In the end, there was no other way, and Xu Li still answered the call. A shy male voice immediately came from the opposite side, saying: “Brother Xu, do you want to come to the bar tomorrow? I miss you.”
Zhang Yuze smiled very politely.
However, Xu Li stubbornly answered: “I’m sorry, I’m not available now. We’ll talk about it later.”
Zhang Yuze glanced at him and felt that it was boring, so he lowered his head and got busy with work. It wasn’t like he was jealous or cared about who called him. He simply, purely, wanted to… Make fun of Xu Li.
Xu Li hung up the phone and looked up to see Zhang Yuze acting leisurely, making him say with dissatisfaction: “Shouldn’t you angrily grab my mobile phone and order me to delete his contact information and never see him again?”
Zhang Yuze said coldly: “Are you sick? Have you watched too many palace intrigue dramas?”
Xu Li frowned and mumbled: “No, it shouldn’t be… The Internet said that lovers would mind this.”
“The Internet also suggests that you prepare your coffin directly, no matter the symptom.” Zhang Yuze stood up and poured a glass of water. “Excuse me, but I don’t mind at all. Our experiment can be declared a failure.”
“Wait, wait.” Xu Li said quickly. “Let’s try again.” After saying that, he deleted the little boy’s contact information in front of Zhang Yuze and showed off in front of him.
Xu Li: “Hurry up and praise me, boyfriend!”
Zhang Yuze was expressionless: “You’re so awesome.”
Xiao Jie, who was sitting at the opposite table and sorting out the medical record sheets, said: “Ahh, love. It’s so sweet…”
Zhang Yuze: …?!
Xu Li: …?!
Soon enough, it was time to get off work after a not-that-busy day. Zhang Yuze turned off the computer and got up to change out of his white coat. As soon as he did that, Xiao Jie smeared oil on the soles of his feet and went to find Zhao Xiaole, intending to share with her that day’s dog food.
Xu Li also stood up with him and asked: “What do you plan to do with your boyfriend later?”
Zhang Yuze: “Go home and sleep.”
Xu Li said “Oh” and touched his trouser pocket: “That’s good, I still have a condom left. That’s fine.”
Of course, he was beaten.
Zhang Yuze: “What’s up with you?! Just sleep! I’m sleepy! What are you thinking about?!”
Xu Li stood up straight, curled his lips, and answered: “Dr. Zhang, although I’ve never been in love or dated before, I still know that falling in love is definitely not such a boring affair.”
Zhang Yuze looked at him vigilantly: “Then what do you want to do?”
Xu Li thought for a while and asked: “What were you and Shen Mo doing?”
Those words evoked a very distant memory in Dr. Zhang’s head. He glanced at Xu Li, frowned, and said: “I have no impression, but it was quite boring indeed. Just movies, eating, and shopping.”
Now that he thought back, the original date content was really boring… What’s more, the new campus of B University was built in the wilderness. There was not even a KFC or something. If one wanted to go on a date, they’d have to take the bus and subway to the city.
At that time, Dr. Zhang was so willing to accompany Shen Mo…
… Love was not for shallow people.
After listening to his words, Xu Li raised his mobile phone and booked a movie ticket for the evening.
“Let’s go, boyfriend! Let’s go to the movies to celebrate our first day of dating!” Xu Li urged him out of the room.
As for Zhang Yuze, he could only glance at him and say as he walked to the elevator: “If you dare to pick a bad film, I’ll kill you.”
However, Xu Li looked speechless for a while, innocently asking: “Do you go to the cinema to watch the movie?”
“Otherwise?” Zhang Yuze didn’t think too deeply. When he finally reacted, he was so angry that he knocked on Xu Li’s head fiercely and scolded him: “Damn, there is video surveillance in there!”
On the way to the cinema, Zhang Yuze was driving, and Xu Li swayed and sat in his co-pilot seat, as peaceful and resigned as an old man. Zhang Yuze’s phone rang. He glanced at the in-car display and saw that it was Han Jinhang.
“Answer it for me.” He told Xu Li.
Xu Li also took a look and said: “Oh, it’s our alumni, right?”
“Hmm.” Zhang Yuze looked at the traffic ahead.
The phone was connected, and Han Jinhang said “hello” twice.
Zhang Yuze: “I can hear you. I have something, make it quick.”
“Oh, oh, oh.” Han Jinhang restrained his voice and asked back like a thief: “Brother Yuze, are you and Xu Li for real?”
Zhang Yuze glanced at Xu Li, only to find out that Xu Li was also looking at him.
“Yes.” And so, Zhang Yuze didn’t bother to explain much, simply admitting it.
Han Jinhang continued: “Brother Yuze, I say you should really think about it carefully. If you just want to play, it’s fine to do whatever you want… But if you want to fall in love, please forget it! I’m afraid he’s no different from Shen Mo!”
Xu Li: …
Zhang Yuze knew that Han Jinhang wanted only the best for him, but his worries were really too much. He and Xu Li were fake lovers. How could he be sad for such a scumbag?! Zhang Yuze thought for a moment and finally answered: “It’s okay. It’s better to go crazy first than to wait for others to hurt you. As long as I take action first, the one in pain would be Xu Li.”
Han Jinhang: ?!
The cinema was right in front of them. Zhang Yuze drove the car into the subterranean parking and said: “Okay, there’s no signal here. Hang up first!”
After the call, Xu Li held his head and smiled: “What, are you planning to cheat on me?”
“Don’t worry.” Zhang Yuze stopped the car in anger and said: “I was single for almost seven or eight years before I met you. I’m neither hungry nor thirsty, and I can live very well without a man.”
Xu Li got out of the car, closed the door, and watched as Zhang Yuze locked it. He smiled and said: “To be honest, boyfriend, your face is enough to harm both the country and its people…”
Zhang Yuze sneered and pulled him into the elevator: “That’s right. After all, even looking at the back of my head is enough to get you hard.”
Xu Li: “…Can you forget about that?!”
After tossing and turning on the way to the cinema, Zhang Yuze found that the movie Xu Li randomly chose was a domestic horror film, a work of art that was praised as a classic, with a spectacular rating of… 3 points on Douban1Douban.com (Chinese: 豆瓣; pinyin: Dòubàn), launched on 6 March 2005, is a Chinese online database and social networking service that allows registered users to record information and create content related to film, books, music, recent events, and activities in Chinese cities.. Poor Zhang Yuze was speechless for a while.
Looking at the generous chest of the “hanged beauty” on the screen, and all those evil ghosts who looked like they were attached to the ceiling with poorly concealed ropes and slings… Zhang Yuze sat in the cinema with only two other people in the audience, saying slowly: “You can choose your own way to die.”
“… I think it’s better for me to die in bed.” Xu Li said.
“Then wash yourself and wait for death.” Zhang Yuze gritted his teeth.
20 minutes later, Zhang Yuze persisted for a while but soon found that it was completely impossible. “Come here for a bit.” He said to Xu Li.
Xu Li leaned over a little, and Zhang Yuze’s head sank on his shoulder, treating him like a human pillow. “Don’t move. Let me sleep for a while.” He said.
And Xu Li really didn’t move, acting like his pillow for two hours. It was only after the movie that Xu Li moved his arm and complained: “Stupid, my shoulder is numb…”
“You deserve it.” Zhang Yuze summed up the entire conversation.
And so, after coming out to the cinema, the two of them were completely bored again.
Full of the vicissitudes of life, Xu Li looked up and said: “It’s boring to fall in love.”
“It’s not too late for you to go to the nightclub.”
Xu Li: “Just kidding.”
Zhang Yuze knew a long time ago that falling in love itself was a boring activity. Go shopping and eat, eat and go shopping, watch movies as a break, then go back for more eating and shopping. No matter how passionate one was, you couldn’t simply go to a hotel and complete the primitive impulse of human reproduction.
You had to eat and go shopping first, and start again and again.
Perhaps the fun itself was only in doing everything with the person next to you. But obviously, both he and Xu Li lacked experience.
“Hey, you two handsome guys! Do you want to participate in our couple’s tacit challenge? You can win a shopping fund worth 1,000 yuan!” In the lobby on the first floor, a young lady saw them and hurried over to ask.
Zhang Yuze didn’t know why she thought they were a couple. Did they even remotely resemble one?!
Xu Li: “Shall we go play, boyfriend?”
Zhang Yuze: “Ha ha.”
Anyway, everything was completely boring, so the two of them ended up participating, alongside several other couples.
Host: “The rules of our competition are very simple. Couples write the answers on the blackboard at the same time and then show the answers. If they are exactly the same, they will score!”
Others: “Wow, we can definitely do it!”
Zhang Yuze & Xu Li: “… We definitely can’t.”
After a not-that-tense discussion, it actually came down to rock-paper-scissors. In the end, it was decided that Zhang Yuze would answer the questions and Xu Li would guess his answers.
Question 1: Please write down your lover’s favorite fruit.
Zhang Yuze: “Watermelon.”
Xu Li: “Durian.”
???
Zhang Yuze was angry: “Why the fuck can’t you guess? I hate durian the most!”
Xu Li: “…My bad.”
Question 2: Please write down your lover’s favorite sport.
Zhang Yuze: “Beat Xu Li.”
Xu Li: “Sleep.”
The answer came out, and Xu Li was angry first: “Damn Zhang Yuze, is it that fun to beat me?!”
Zhang Yuze: “And what’s wrong with you? Is sleeping even considered exercise?”
Xu Li paused for a moment and said: “To some extent, it also counts. It depends on what kind of sleep we’re talking about…”
Zhang Yuze couldn’t wait to hit him with the blackboard and open his skull to see what kind of yellow waste was inside.
Question 3: The most hated season.
Zhang Yuze: “Winter.”
Xu Li: “Winter.”
When the answer came out, Zhang Yuze was surprised. “Did you guess it blindly?” He asked.
Xu Li glared at him: “I’m not that stupid, boyfriend. You’re so afraid of the cold, acting like a stray dog. How can you not hate winter?”
Zhang Yuze paused and said: “So you are smart after all.”
Speaking of that, Zhang Yuze remembered that when he was in college, in order to buy milk tea for Shen Mo, he ran across half the campus and queued in the cold wind for more than 20 minutes.
He had always been afraid of the cold, but he didn’t feel it at that time…
… Once again, it looked like love was harmful to people.
Question 4: The food that your lover hates the most.
Zhang Yuze: “Celery.”
Xu Li: “Carrot.”
Zhang Yuze asked strangely: “Why guess carrots?”
Xu Li replied: “It’s nothing, I just hate them.”
After several more rounds, there were not many chances for the two of them to score, ranking at the very bottom among all the other couples.
“Are you really a couple?” Even the host was speechless.
“Isn’t it…”
“Yes…”
“…”
Although the two of them just quarreled yesterday and have been wanting to strangle each other until now, how amazing was it that they had now officially announced their relationship?!
The host looked at them in disbelief and said: “You can’t pretend to be a couple. It’s very unfair to those who were not selected.”
Zhang Yuze looked at the couples around, and everyone looked back at him in embarrassment. It was clearly written on everyone’s faces: “Why hasn’t this stupid activity ended yet?!”
He thought about what pretense to use in order to get that shabby activity over with when the host came up with a brilliant solution: “Why don’t you two kiss? It proves that you really are a couple.”
Zhang Yuze and Xu Li looked at each other like they were looking at a big, steamy pile of cow dung, and even their lips trembled.
Xu Li closed his eyes first and said: “Come on, we even slept together. What are you afraid of now?”
Zhang Yuze: “Oh, hehe.”
Under the host’s bright eyes, they kissed each other as if they were dead. It felt like… Nothing, really. For Zhang Yuze, it was nothing more than two lips quickly touching each other and then separating.
There were no waves in his heart.
After the kiss, he wanted to see Xu Li’s expression, and he was the same. Kissing without the aid of hormones was indeed ordinary.
In the end, they naturally didn’t get any shopping funds, only one participation award that they still had to carry all the way home.
