ECPW Chapter 7

Lavender

Posted by April Fox, ? Views, Released on November 29, 2024

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VOLUME 2 — SUMMER

Chapter 7: Lavender

──Under the scorching sun and the beads of sweat tracing down my neck, I let out a small sigh in response to the sweltering heat that seemed to melt my body.

After the closing ceremony, we returned to the classroom and listened to the usual reminders and lengthy talks from our homeroom teacher, exchanging greetings as we prepared to leave as usual.

…Before we knew it, the first semester had passed, and tomorrow would mark the eagerly awaited summer vacation.

However, I let out a sigh. It seems like it was becoming a habit. I looked down, feeling unsatisfied.

( …Sigh. )

Despite the impending summer vacation, my heart felt heavy. One reason being… my relationship with Renji, who has avoided me ever since that day.

“Shiori, let’s hang out during summer vacation!”

“( …Yeah… but… )”

“Yeah, I know. We haven’t had a chance to talk since then… Renji is so stubborn about it.”

“( …Yeah… )”

“But don’t worry! Renji has known you for a long time, so he’ll come around eventually! So, how about this summer, just us girls having fun!”

With a pat on my shoulder and a smile, even Ayu-chan, who appeared cheerful, seemed somewhat somber, and I’m sure it’s not my imagination.

Since the clash with Renji over Itsuki-senpai and up to today, they hadn’t had a proper conversation with Renji.

Renji, who blatantly avoided me, seemed to avoid Ayu-chan as well. He didn’t even acknowledge our presence in the same classroom.

When Ayu-chan, frustrated with his attitude, once said, “Stop it already!”, and he responded with “Don’t talk to me anymore.”

After saying just that, Renji once again turned away stubbornly, as he had always been since the past.

It’s typical of Renji that once he decides to do something, he sticks to it, but this was the first time he had been pushed away so much. Initially, I was deeply bewildered by it.

Even when I send him a message on LINE, it gets left on read, and I can’t even make a phone call because my voice won’t come out.

Even if I try to talk to Renji somehow, it’s difficult to catch him after club activities.

Even when I try to catch up with Renji during break time, he disappears into the group of other classmates. He doesn’t even acknowledge my presence. It’s as if I don’t exist at all.

( Renji… is so clueless. )

Even as I cursed in my heart, my sadness only grew stronger.

I thought maybe I should just apologize instead of continuing to be in such an awkward atmosphere, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that.

Because if I did, it would mean accepting Renji’s words from that day.

Now that I knew the truth about Itsuki-senpai, I couldn’t accept or forgive Renji’s words from that day. So, in the end, I couldn’t bring myself to reconcile even now.

( …Even with Renji, it’s like this… )

Sighing for what felt like the umpteenth time today, I walked alone towards the station with my head down.

My summer skirt swayed gently in the breeze.

The reason for my gloomy heart.

The reason weighing heavily on my mind wasn’t just Renji but another presence.

( I wonder if Itsuki-senpai is okay since then… )

The day I heard about Senpai’s past and learned about the wounds in his heart for the first time.

Since the day I arrogantly voiced my opinions and speculations to Senpai…

I haven’t spoken to Senpai even once.

( …Sigh. )

If we hadn’t talked, there might still be hope.

If I could see Itsuki-senpai’s face and gauge his condition, maybe I wouldn’t be so depressed.

— Yes.

Since that day, Itsuki-senpai hadn’t shown up on the morning train we used to take. He hadn’t visited the library either.

Although he might still go to the library, we never ran into each other by chance.

If it was just not bumping into each other at the library, maybe our schedules didn’t match… or perhaps he’s busy with part-time work or studying for exams.

Various reasons come to mind, but considering he’s not showing up on the morning train either, it was clear that Senpai was avoiding me too.

(After all, it was an unnecessary help…)

I regretted it deeply on the first day Itsuki-senpai didn’t appear on the morning train.

I’d thought countless times that maybe I should have just left without saying anything.

But there’s no point in regretting it now.

I don’t think I could have chosen to go home without doing anything in front of Itsuki-senpai that day.

I couldn’t just leave Senpai and go home.

But… even though I thought that.

Not being able to see Itsuki-senpai felt lonely, sad… painful.

Above all, I couldn’t help but worry if he was still alone in that room, burdened with sadness.

If it comes to this, maybe I should just go directly to Senpai’s school or even check on him at his house. I even considered secretly visiting his workplace, but doing all that would definitely be meddling too much.

…In fact, even without stepping over the line, it would be bordering on stalking.

That would definitely be more than just meddling; it would be a nuisance.

And that’s when I realized, it was only through such concerns that I understood.

—The true distance between me and Senpai.

Not friends, not classmates, just acquaintances at best.

We might see each other on the morning train, but even then, there’s no clear promise that had been made.

Unless it’s by chance, we wouldn’t meet at the library.

We’ve never gone out together, nor have we exchanged phone calls, LINE messages, or emails.

( … with Senpai, I…)

If one of us decided not to meet, our relationship would end so easily.

I knew. I knew. But when faced with a reality like this, it hurts.

Feeling this pain because I harbour feelings for Senpai that are disproportionate.

Even if Senpai wasn’t in the train car, I thought, ”Maybe today is the day…” … I headed towards the train car Senpai had taught me about.

Even the reason for going to the library now includes selfish thoughts like, “Maybe I’ll see Senpai.”

Even during class and school life, I find myself thinking about Senpai.

When I arrived at the station, I couldn’t help but search for Senpai’s figure.

A meteor of expectation and disappointment colors the heart of love.

Even if my wishes don’t come true countless times, I find myself smiling wryly as I continue to think about the person I love.

( … Today is the return date for this book.)

I passed through the ticket gate, boarded the train, reached for the book that I had remembered hidden in my bag.

Carrying the book that I had already finished reading, I got off at the nearest station as usual and made my way to the familiar library.

Entering the library and returning the book at the return slot, my feet naturally moved towards the forest of bookshelves.

Even there, I couldn’t help but glance around, not realizing it had become a habit.

( … He’s not here, is he?)

Disappointed once again by this fact, I reached for a book. My gaze dropped while my hand stopped between the bookshelves.

… I want to see him.

Just seeing Senpai’s face for a moment would be enough.

Just a passing glance… no, just seeing Senpai from afar for a moment would be enough.

I won’t ask for more than that. Just once, just once more, I want to see Senpai.

If I could see Senpai’s face just once, I swear I won’t have anything to do with him anymore, so──

“… Finally, we meet.”

“… “

“I’m sorry for being late.”

Suddenly, I felt warmth in my hand.

Before I knew it, a hand from the opposite bookshelf had overlapped with my cold hand that was still holding the book.

“… Will you listen to my excuses?”

“…”

My heart trembled at the voice of the person I had longed for.

I covered my mouth with my non-overlapping hand, desperately holding back the tears that threatened to overflow, and nodded once.

“… I’ve been running away. From my parents, from my reality.”

I desperately try to pick up every word Senpai uttered.

“When I was young, coming back to a silent room was lonely… I tried my best in studies and everything, desperately hoping my parents would notice me.”

I desperately listened to Senpai’s voice.

“But no matter how hard I tried, I never got their attention. Eventually, I gave up on that kind of love from my parents and started avoiding reality.”

All the loneliness, sorrow, and yearning that Senpai has felt until today.

Thinking about all of that made my chest ache as if it were being squeezed, and I couldn’t help but feel regret for not realizing anything.

“I rebelled against the father who took me in and rejected everything. I wanted to become independent quickly, to become an adult quickly… When I was alone in that room, I thought about those things every day.”

Senpai’s loneliness.

Senpai, who seemed to have everything that others envied, was always seeking, wishing for, and suffering from the affection that everyone else took for granted.

Giving up… that’s a lie.

Because I couldn’t give up, Senpai was always lonely.

“Even so, I knew that I couldn’t escape from reality by just struggling. I knew that, but I pretended not to see it, hid my true self, and desperately tried to convince myself

… That someday, the day would surely come when I would be freed from all the pain…”

With those words, his palm, like a butterfly emerging from a flower, detached from mine.

Flitting my gaze back in a fluster, there it was – Senpai’s figure stood at the end of my shadow.

The very person I had been yearning to meet countless times.

“I… I’ve faced it properly.”

My lips trembled at the sight of Senpai’s magnificent figure, which I had seen countless times before.

Although I originally couldn’t speak, my throat felt sore, and it seemed as if my words were being crushed.

“I… I faced my father, and we talked.”

“(S-Senpai…)”

“I was so scared, so anxious that it was pathetic. But… because of Shiori’s words, I was able to face him without running away.”

“(Itsuki, Senpai…)”

“I wanted to report everything to Shiori after it was all over. That’s why I’m late, but…”

“…”

“…Thank you, Shiori.”

Tears overflowed at Senpai’s words and smile, as if a dam had burst open.

＊　＊　＊

“Can you… praise me?”

I’m sure right now I must look like a terribly pitiful guy.

As if trying to deceive myself, I said that and tilted my head. Shiori covered her face with both hands and crouched down in place.

Tears fell through the gaps between her fingers.

Her gentle rain-like tears caused another small flower to bloom in my heart.

“I’m sorry for making you cry again. But… thank you for crying for me.”

It’s truly selfish of me.

Kneeling in front of Shiori, gently stroking her soft black hair, another small bud of a flower blossomed in my heart.

After making her cry, how can I still say “thank you”?

But even so, right now, I’m just so happy to know that there was someone who cried for me.

── The summer night was still far away.

After Shiori had calmed down from crying for a while, we left the library together.

If it were winter now, the sun would have already set.

I couldn’t keep Shiori out late, so we walked shoulder to shoulder on the way to her house, taking a slight detour.

There were things I wanted to talk about.

Things I felt I had to tell Shiori.

I needed a few days to accept the words she threw at me that day.

My stubbornly hardened feelings didn’t easily unravel, and along the way… I found myself wanting to look away again, just as before.

But I don’t want to run away anymore.

Just one more time. Just one more time, I want to believe.

I wanted to believe in my parents who had shown ‘affection’ to the version of myself that had just been born, just once more, because of Shiori’s words.

──It had been so long that I couldn’t remember, but the place where we met was the hospital where my father worked.

I was afraid that if I went to the apartment where I had once lived with loneliness, my heart would break again.

But above all, I felt that I shouldn’t step foot in the place where my father and his girlfriend now lived.

When I visited the nurse’s station and told them I was my father’s son, they called my father on the internal line.

The nurse, who was surprised for a moment by my sudden appearance, quickly dialed my father’s extension on the phone provided.

My father, who had always been busy, spent most of his life at the hospital. Apparently, that hadn’t changed even now.

And, relieved that my father’s lifestyle hadn’t changed… just a little. Just a little, I became worried about my busy father’s health.

“Itsuki…”

Soon after, my father appeared, wearing a white coat, and seemed surprised by the sudden appearance of his son.

Of course. Because a son who had so stubbornly rejected him suddenly appeared at his workplace.

But my father’s confusion lasted only for a moment.

Regaining his composure, he gestured for me to follow him to the room labeled “On Duty,” and he quietly sat down on the black leather chair.

“Sit down.”

After saying those words, his gaze prompted me to sit down on the sofa that was large enough for two people.

As I turned my gaze to my father, who had been watching my every move, our eyes naturally met.

“… What do you need all of a sudden?”

The word ”give up” flashes through my mind as I hear the growling, probing words and gaze.

However, I desperately shook it off. Putting my strength into the hands tied on my lap, I slowly opened my mouth as if to confirm my feelings.

“… Father, I came to talk to you.”

My words surprised my father again.

With his long, narrow eyes, well-defined nose, and expressionless mouth. When I turn older, will I have such a face? Even though it was rude, I couldn’t help but think about such things.

“…What’s the matter?”

“When you ask like that… there’s just so much I want to talk about, but for now, I’ll stick to what I want to say the most.”

There wasn’t enough time yet to fully express everything in my heart.

And I couldn’t afford to waste my father’s busy time, so I decided to only talk about what needed to be said, what I wanted to say now.

“…I’m sorry for being stubborn until now.”

“It… tsuki?”

“I know this might sound strange, but… I’ve been keeping my distance from you, Father, because it’s been my way of resisting the role of being your son.”

It was a form of resistance against parents who couldn’t see me for who I am.

It was my way of pushing back against a reality I wasn’t ready to accept.

“Even now, as a high school student, I won’t say I’m lonely. You have your own life, and I don’t intend to interfere with it, so don’t worry about that.”

As I said this, I couldn’t help but let out a self-mocking smile that had escaped me at the slight pain in my chest.

“But, I’m sorry… I want to rely on you as a son until I graduate from high school and achieve my dream.”

“Your… dream?”

“Yeah. I… want to become a doctor like you.”

“…”

“I want to become a doctor and help the lessen the suffering of as many people as I can”

The dream was too distant for my immature self.

Yet, until today, that dream had supported me over and over again even when I was on the verge of crumbling.

In the soundless room.

In that room, the young me had always watched my father from behind.

Back then, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t catch up.

I wanted him to turn around and look at me.

Before I knew it, my desire to be by his side had turned into a desire to surpass him someday.

“Even at home, you never let go of your phone. If you’re called from the hospital, you’ll leave the house even in the middle of the night. Sometimes, I thought you were just relaxing at home, but I used to watch my father’s back as he read many books and studied in his study when I was a child.”

“I know it might seem odd for a high schooler to say this, but Dad, as a doctor, you were my idol.”

“Itsuki…”

“I never got to see your face, so I don’t know what kind of expression you had on your face while working. But… someday, if I surpass you… I’ll be able to see your face, right?”

“…”

“Then… surely this time, we won’t make any mistakes. Neither you nor I. I think I won’t have to run away from reality anymore.”

I know it’s presumptuous of me, a child, to say this.

But… I wanted him to notice me, even a little.

I wanted him to know.

About the things he dropped along the way he walked straight down.

The existence of things he shouldn’t have overlooked.

“My father, who is a doctor… is still my goal and my aspiration. That… will never change.’

Going to medical school costs a lot of money.

I always looked down on my father, a doctor, for treating such expenses as mere pocket change. But that was wrong.

That money was precious, hard-earned money from my father.

His private life, his hobbies, all his time and rest… he had sacrificed everything to earn it.

To ridicule and scorn that money… I was truly an unbearable child.

“…That’s all for now. I’ll contact you later about scheduling a parent-teacher. I know you’re busy with work and other commitments.”

While saying this, I quietly stood up from the sofa.

I wanted to leave this enclosed space as soon as possible.

My heart was still too young to face my father directly.

“Thank you for taking the time even though you’re busy. Well, that’s it for me…”

“…Come back and talk to me about everything you want to say.”

“Huh?”

“You still have things you want to talk about, right?”

At the unexpected words, I raised my face as if springing up.

And there was my father, with a face that strongly resembled mine, looking at me.

“…Take care of your health, since you’re a student preparing for exams.”

“…”

After saying just that, my father turned his back, sitting on the black leather chair, leaving me wondering what expression he wore.

Until now, I had never been able to understand what expression my father had, as I always looked at his back. But now…

I felt like I could somehow understand what expression my father had.

“…You too, Father, please take care of yourself too.”

While saying this, I gave a small smile.

As I opened the door and stepped outside, I met the gaze of a nurse who had been worriedly watching the room where we had disappeared earlier…

Oh… With that thought in mind, I quickly bowed once, asking her to take care of my father, and then hurriedly left the hospital.

＊　＊　＊

“After that, my father contacted me right away… and today, the parent-teacher consultation went smoothly, and I have decided on my career path.”

“I’m going to attend a private medical university, which is my father’s alma mater.”

“I wonder if it sounds like I’m becoming a daddy’s boy?”

I now realize that Senpai who says such things in a playful manner is actually his own way of hiding his embarrassment.

I listened silently as Senpai spoke, without saying a word…

Without doubt, the rifts that existed between Senpai and their parents haven’t fully healed yet.

Yet, it’s a path we’ve both taken a step forward on, towards each other.

Seeing the relief and clarity on Senpai’s face as he talked about his father, I couldn’t help but feel relieved and genuinely happy.

“(I’m glad.)”

“Yeah?”

“(Ah… I’m really glad! I’ve been worrying so much about saying something unnecessary to Senpai… So when I heard that you were able to talk to your father, I was truly relieved.)”

Hastily typing out my words on my phone, I showed it to Senpai. Then, Senpai glanced at the screen, furrowing their brows for a moment before shooting me a dissatisfied look.

“…Were you worried because you said something unnecessary? Or did you feel relieved because I reconciled with my father?”

“(Huh?)”

“It’s not that you were worried because you couldn’t see me… or that you were lonely because you hadn’t seen me in a while… is it?”

“…”

“…Well, it’s fine.”

With that, Senpai turned away from me.

Looking up at Senpai, my heart rate inevitably increased.

“(S-Senpai?)”

“I… wanted to see Shiori.”

“…”

“That was a lie. …That was a lie.”

As he said this, I stole a glance at Senpai, feeling my face flush as if my blood were boiling.

───Senpai is cheating.

He casually says things like this that I would never say, as if they were obvious.

Like lies.

Senpai can say such things mixed with jokes.

He might have said it as a joke, but for me, I’ve really, really been wanting to see him all this time.

I felt lonely without Senpai and thought about him every day.

I worried about Senpai every day, and meeting him made me really, really happy.

But… I…

I can’t say things like Senpai does.

Because the emotions Senpai probably has for me and the ones I have for them are completely different.

“…Tomorrow marks the start of summer vacation. It’s a bit sad to think that high school life is almost over.”

As Senpai murmured while looking up at the sky, my throat tightened again, and tears threatened to spill.

Suppressing it as best as I could, I pressed the screen of my phone and handed it to Senpai.

“(I’ll pray for you to get into the university you want, Senpai! I’ll cheer you on from the bottom of my heart!)”

“…Yeah. Thank you.”

“(And please make the rest of your high school life wonderful. Your father, surely thinks the same.)”

… And then.

When I finished typing all that and showed it to Senpai, I realized something unbelievable once again.

“Shiori?”

My Senpai questioned me with a puzzled voice as I stood there staring at him.

But… I mean.

My senior said today was the parent-teacher conference.

So, that means…

He came to school with his father today, right? Normally, they would’ve gone out to eat afterward or spent some time together as a family after something like that, wouldn’t they?

“(S-senpai…?)”

“Yeah?”

“(T-Today was the parent-teacher conference, right? So, that means… your dad probably took the day off from work…?)”

“Oh, yeah. He hadn’t used much of his paid leave, so it seems like he could take the day off pretty easily.”

“(…Th-then!! If that’s the case, why didn’t you… after the parent-teacher conference, why didn’t you have dinner with your father or… spend some quality time together after so long!?)”

“Oh… right. But more than anything, I just wanted to come and tell Shiori about it as soon as possible.”

“…”

“I was just so focused on that, that I just realized I could have had dinner with my father after the parent-teacher conference.”

With that, my chest tightened again at my Senpai’s innocent smile.

“I guess I’m just as much of a disobedient son as I can’t blame Father, huh?”

──Ah, geez.

I love him. I love Itsuki-senpai.

My senpai, who always thinks about others first and always gives me warm words.

I love Senpai, who has a delicate heart and kindness like a single flower.

“…Anyway, shall we go somewhere during summer vacation?”

“(Huh…?)”

“Take a break. You said you’d support me, right? I’ll suffocate if I just study for my exams all the time, so help me take a break when that happens.”

“……”

Nodding vigorously in response to his words, I realize I’m such a fickle person.

My senpai laughs again, seemingly amused by my reaction, and quietly looks up at the sky.

“…… Really. I’m glad we could talk.”

Prompted by his words, I looked up and followed his gaze.

There, shining as if watching over us, was the most beautiful star I had ever seen.

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