VOLUME 4 — WINTER
Chapter 17: Schizanthuses
“Itsuki, are you sleeping properly?”
─── It was 2 in the morning.
I was sitting at my desk in the dim light when my father called out to me as he came home from work.
“…You’re the one who’s always working and not getting enough sleep, though. Well, welcome back.”
“Yeah… I’m home. We had an emergency patient today… But, are you really sleeping well? It seems like you’re studying late every day…”
“…Yeah, I am. But no matter how much time I have, it’s never enough. Plus, there’s not much time left until the exams, anyway.”
As I said this with a small smile, my father looked at me with a deeper furrow in his brow.
Turning away from my father’s gaze back to my desk, I noticed the clock and realized that I had already passed the time I had planned to sleep.
(…Now that I think about it, I heard the sound of the front door opening when my father came home.)
I shook my head slightly to clear my foggy mind, thinking about such things.
“Itsuki, it’s late. You should go to bed. You can study tomorrow.”
“Yeah, thanks. You should go to bed soon too. Goodnight.”
I said only that without turning around to face him. A small sigh was audible and the sound of the door closing echoed in the room.
─── The end of the second term and the last winter break of high school life were not at all a happy time for exam takers.
After the recommendation for university was revoked, I decided to abandon my initial plan of taking the entrance exam for a private medical school and instead aimed for a national or public university’s medical department.
When I first told my father about this decision the day before my suspension was lifted, he seemed to feel a bit disappointed, though he had apparently been pleased that I was aiming for the same university as him.
In the end, he didn’t deny anything and just encouraged me to “do my best until the end,” for which I was truly grateful.
And so, I started studying for the entrance exams again from there──
“Why…?”
Honestly, the anxiety continued to build up.
“Sigh…”
Taking off my glasses and pressing my forehead with my hand, I let out another deep sigh. Another lump of anxiety settled in my chest.
…I hadn’t originally set up any contingency plans.
Even before the recommendation was revoked, I had been studying the bare minimum for the general entrance exam just in case.
So, I thought I would be fine even when I changed my preferred school.
…That’s what I thought.
But even though I had prepared, the anxiety continued to grow.
“…Others might be studying more.”
The muttered words were an accumulation of pent-up frustration, a voice of weakness with nowhere to go.
Lately, I’ve found myself murmuring like this more often.
No matter how much I study, no matter how much I plan.
Now that I’m standing on the edge of a cliff, I realize I’m still far from being able to deflect that pressure.
(…For now, I should just go to bed.)
With that thought, I got up, turned off the light, and collapsed onto the bed as if I had fallen.
Again, I let out a deep sigh.
Should I just close my eyes and go to sleep like this───
At that moment, my eyes fell on the phone that I hadn’t touched for who knows how long and I At that moment, my gaze fell upon my phone, which I didn’t know how long I had left lying around, and instinctively reached out for it.
“When was the last time I checked my phone?”
I pressed the button on the side of the phone, where a small green light was flashing. As I tapped the lifeless screen, the sudden brightness made me squint.
There were “10 unread messages” displayed in the app, and as I slowly scrolled through the screen, I sighed again at how many messages had piled up.
(There’s a message from my dad from the day before yesterday, and one from Aki and Tama from five days ago… The rest are from the store manager at the convenience store where I work…)
All of them contained concern for me, and I felt sorry for not being able to reply to any of them until today.
And then, as usual, amidst my hazy thoughts, I noticed that the oldest message still had an unread mark───
“…Huh.”
I instinctively stopped scrolling.
─── Shiori.
Seeing the name displayed on the screen, I almost touched it, but I quickly pulled my finger away.
It had been almost two months since I cut off contact with Shiori.
In the beginning, the messages were sent at regular intervals, but recently they have become quieter and quieter.
No wonder. She sent me heartfelt messages over and over again, but she hasn’t even gotten a single word in response.
But what’s different about Shiori is that she won’t blame me for it.
Normally, it wouldn’t be strange to be angry at someone who doesn’t even reply to your messages, but Shiori probably thinks that not getting a reply is her own fault.
…Thinking about that again filled me with an inescapable sense of guilt, and my heart felt like it had been stabbed with needles.
─── I understand.
Since I’m the one who cut off Shiori’s voice knowing everything, I have no right to feel down right now.
I know everything. I know that I’ll become the worst person in Shiori’s eyes. Knowing all that, I must stick to my decision this time too.
(But…)
Yes, I should understand this logically, but when I see the message sent by Shiori this time, there’s a reason why my heart is deeply shaken.
The words at the beginning of the message, which aren’t fully displayed, seem powerful enough to shatter my resolve into pieces.
“‘This will be the last time’…”
The meaning of those words.
Does “this will be the last time” refer to “sending messages,” or…
Does it mean “everything between us”?
“…”
If it’s the former, there might still be a chance to turn back.
But if it’s the latter, does that mean if I don’t read this message now, I’ll never be able to touch Shiori’s heart again?
─── In the end, I can’t just throw everything away, I want to confirm the true meaning of those words, even though I know it’s wrong. So, I tapped on the message with the unread mark.
And there, I received Shiori’s voice after a long time.
Feeling relieved just by that, I said,
“…Library?”
But as I read its contents, I became even more confused than before.
＊ ＊ ＊
“…Section I-10-10, huh?”
The day after reading Shiori’s message, I headed to the library.
Though it used to be within a 5-minute walk from home, it’s somewhat further from where I live now. It’s been a while since I’ve been there.
However, the main reason I avoided coming here was that there was a high chance of running into Shiori, so I tried to avoid getting close to her as much as possible.
Yet today, I came to the library precisely because of the message from Shiori I read yesterday.
“This will be the last time.”
That was how Shiori’s message began, and its contents were as follows.
[This will be the last time.
I’m truly sorry for contacting you multiple times.
Today, I wanted to ask for one last selfish favor.
I want you to find a certain book for me at the library we used to visit together often. I’ve left my utmost feelings for you in that book.
This will truly be the last time. So, please, can you grant me this one last selfish request…?
The name of the book I want you to find is───]
“…It’s available. That’s a relief.”
In front of the library’s search terminal, I couldn’t help but utter those words and quickly headed towards the bookshelf where it would be placed.
The designated bookshelf was located in an area of the library that was deeply secluded, a place I had never visited even though I was accustomed to coming here.
Unlike the bustling “forest of books” where many students and housewives searched for books, this area was starkly different. There was only one elderly man, stooped over as he searched for a book.
“…Um, I-10-10.”
Passing by the elderly man who was the only one browsing there, I reached the designated bookshelf, searching for the number displayed on the search terminal.
──── However, all the while, I kept thinking about why Shiori had asked me to do this. What she really meant.
“I want you to find a book,” is that her final request?
It’s absurd to think she’d ask me to do that just because she couldn’t find it herself.
If that were the case, Shiori, who is as familiar with the library as I am, could have easily found her way here using the search machine.
Yet, why would she say something like this?
“…Found it.”
Frankly, I couldn’t grasp her intentions at all.
Surprisingly, I reached out to the book that I was able to find quite easily, but just before touching it, I instinctively stopped my hand.
“I will leave my utmost feelings for you in that book.”
That’s certainly what was written in the message from Shiori that was sent.
But perhaps, if I were to accept those “utmost feelings,” it might mean that all ties with Shiori would come to an end right there.
It might be her determination to leave behind everything between us and move forward.
If that’s the case, maybe it’s better for me, for my own sake, to pretend I didn’t read it… to pretend I didn’t accept it…
“…Are you going to borrow that book, sir?”
“Huh?”
“If you’re not going to borrow it, may I borrow it instead?”
Suddenly hearing a voice call out to me, I turned around.
There stood the elderly man I had just passed by, smiling kindly as he looked at me and the book.
“Ah…I’m sorry, but I was thinking of borrowing this too…”
“Huh… that’s a shame… It’s been a while since I saw that book, so I wanted to borrow it too…”
“Is that so… Um, in that case───”
“Here, take it.”
Hesitant, I extended my arm to hand the book to the elderly man, but
“…”
Just before handing it over.
When I realized that something was stuck between the pages of the book, I stopped my outstretched hand.
“Is this… a shiori1Shiori’s name could actually mean bookmark.?“
As the old man said, there was a piece of “shiori” sandwiched inside the book.
“Did the person who borrowed this before me return it with bookmark still inside?”
While the old man tilted his head in confusion at the incongruity of finding a bookmark tucked inside a library book, I realized that it might be a signpost leading to Shiori’s “utmost feelings,” as she had mentioned.
After all, library books are always processed by librarians, so they should have noticed if a bookmark was tucked inside like this.
Yet here it was, so blatantly obvious. It could only mean one thing—
“…”
Shiori tucked it there to convey something to me.
My heart raced involuntarily, but I couldn’t resist. I placed my finger on the page where the bookmark was tucked.
With a gentle tug, I opened the page, confirming my suspicions.
Seeing what was tucked between the lines, my throat tightened, and I blinked rapidly to hold back the overwhelming surge of emotions.
“…”
Why would she do this, all for me?
There, indeed, were Shiori’s “utmost feelings” left behind.
It was her earnest attempt, despite her timidness and inability to approach me, to convey her feelings.
Her message was filled with strength and kindness, a heartfelt cheer directed at me.
But to call this her utmost feelings, or a mere whim…
There must be so much more she wanted to say, yet she chose “this” as her final message to me.
Thinking of her stubbornness, my chest tightened, and I longed to embrace her right then and there.
“—For example, when the sky is a beautiful shade of blue.
Or when a bud of a flower blooms unnoticed.
Or when that child who was crying yesterday is smiling today.
Surely, it’s just that we didn’t notice.
A world so beautiful that words couldn’t express it, was always overflowing there.”
“…”
“But the world I came to know after meeting you.
It was beyond beautiful, beyond words.
Transient,
Painful,
Unbearably kind…
Those were the warm days.”
As I read those words, I raised my head to find the old man smiling kindly at me.
The old man lightly touched my hand that was holding the bookmark. He seemed on the verge of tears, and nodded quietly.
“That was the opening passage of that book. And… that bookmark. She pressed the shepherd’s purse flower into it, you know?”
“Shepherd’s purse?”
“You must have seen it before, haven’t you? It’s a weed with remarkable resilience even in the cold of winter. It’s just an ordinary roadside flower. And that flower… I think the girl who tucked it there must have really cherished the person she wanted to give it to.”
Upon hearing those words, tears welled up in my eyes.
With the book and bookmark slip in hand—a homemade charm labeled “wish for success”—I couldn’t help but kneel down right there and then.
It was embarrassing.
As a high school student, to cry like this, here in this place…
Even though I knew that, I couldn’t resist the overwhelming emotions.
Amidst the forest of books, I cried silently, muffling my sobs.
The old man quietly left my side, leaving only the sensation of a gentle breeze rustling my hair.
“Hey, Senpai.” “What’s wrong, Shiori?”
When was the last time we exchanged words like that?
When was the last time I laughed beside her, shared silent moments, and offered her gentle touches?
But no matter how much distance separated us,
No matter how much I tried to let go, I realize that it was already too late.
── Because, to me, Shiori’s voice was always the clearest.
“…”
I slowly stood up.
Holding the book tightly, I headed for the library’s checkout counter.
As soon as I stepped outside, I saw the snowflakes that had painted the cold sky a few days ago.
With a determined heart, I lifted my head and walked straight ahead, through the streets where snowflakes bloomed.
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『Schizanthuses（シザンサス）』
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