It would be a lie to say that I was not moved at all. No normal person would be unhappy if there was someone who liked them silently all the time. But being happy was one thing, being able to accept it was another.
In this world, there was a kind of regret called meeting the right person at the wrong time.
If only I had not accepted Ms. Jiang’s condition, then I would not have been obsessed with Moscow and could have tried to accept Fang Xiānsheng; if only Fang Xiānsheng was a normal person and not so simple and affectionate. Then I could have refused him more straightforwardly and neatly, without having to worry and struggle like now.
I made up my mind, hardened by heart, and returned the flower basket to him, saying, “Don’t give me these again, and I don’t want any small ones either.”
I handed the flower basket too suddenly, and he didn’t pay attention and he almost dropped the flower basket on the ground. After catching it, he looked at me a little helplessly.
I didn’t dare to look at him, I just stared at my toes and said, “You go, I’ll have to go to eat dinner with my colleagues.”
He nodded and said, “Okay.” Then he turned around and left with the flower basket.
Although he was calm when he spoke, when he turned around, I began to panic, as if I was afraid that he would not come back after he had left.
“Fang Xiānsheng!” I couldn’t help but call out his name, “Have you eaten?”
“Already eaten,” he said.
“Then you go.” I was a little frustrated.
“Okay.” After saying that, he turned around and prepared to leave.
“Wait a minute!” I stopped him again and asked, “Will you come again in the future?”
“Come.”
“Will sit in the front or in the back?”
“Front.”
“Aren’t you going to sit in the back anymore?”
“I want to be closer to you.”
He didn’t speak loudly, but I heard him clearly.
The theatre lights were on, and I saw shyness and tenderness in his blue eyes.
But in the end I said: “You go.”
When I returned to the dressing room, my female companion looked at me and smiled with evil intentions: “Li Sheng, who was the man whom you were just talking to?”
I saw her laughter and my scalp tingled, I simply replied: “A friend.”
“Oh~ it turned out to be a friend~,” She said with a look of realization on her face, patted me on the shoulder, and said, “Not bad! You have a real eye! No wonder you have been single before, this kind of person is really hard to find.”
I explained: “Where are you thinking? We are just ordinary friends.”
“Is that it?” She looked at me in disbelief, “Can you really bear such a handsome boy?”
“Do I have to pounce on every handsome guy?” I was a little helpless, “I don’t want to fall in love yet.”
“Why?” she asked.
“I might have to go back to Moscow to take classes.” I hesitated for a while and then said it. She was one of the few friends I had, and I had to tell her sooner or later.
“Really? That’s great!” She was really happy, but asked again: “But why can’t you fall in love like this?”
“Long-distance relationships are too difficult. I’m afraid I won’t be able to go on.” I said, “After all, this is my own pursuit. It’s unfair to the other person, to make him wait for me for several years in vain.”
“Oh, Li Sheng, sometimes I really don’t know what’s going on in your this head of yours. It’s the same with your previous relationship with Luo Bin. Well, we don’t have to go that far… okay, let’s not talk about him,” she said. She knew I didn’t like to mention the past, so she quickly stopped and said: “I’ve always felt that there’s something wrong with your philosophy on love. Why are you afraid of the other person waiting? If he really likes you, so what if he waits for you for two or three years? Are you not worth waiting for? Besides, there is no such thing as fairness in love. If you like it, you have to live with it! Love whoever you want!”
I was a little confused by what she said and didn’t know how to answer.
I have been taught by my parents since I was young not to trouble others, not to take advantage of others, and to treat others good as they treat you. So I always thought that dating was the same. Since you wouldn’t sacrifice your ideals for others, then you shouldn’t delay others.
Have I been thinking wrong all along?
“You are so wrong, okay!” The female friend immediately shouted as if she knew my thoughts, “Li Sheng, you can’t always think from your own perspective, you have to think from other people’s perspective too! You’re not the other person, how can you assume that the other person will suffer? Maybe it’s just the opposite! Oh, no wonder there is a saying that when God closes a door for you, he will open a window for you. Li Sheng, you have really grown this human body of yours in vain!”
I was so struck by her words that I finally started to wonder if I had been assigned to Fang’s camp by God.
“Li Sheng, I don’t mean to hit (discourage) you. But if you really keep thinking like this, you might end up alone,” She added.
I felt that I was really beaten to pieces. I hit my forehead on the table with a “pop” sound and said in a mournful voice: “Okay, I promise I will make a change.”
“It’s guaranteed to work! You have to take action!” She changed the subject and yelled: “Hurry up! How far have you been with that handsome guy just now? Have you kissed him yet? Have you gone to bed? Is he skilled? Oh, my goodness! I should have rushed out just now, so you can introduce us to each other and I can also check for you. With so little experience, what if you encountered scumbags? What if you encounter scumbags who also enjoy sexual abuse, what if…”
I watched as her eyes lit up, almost spitting words out a lewd expression, and silently swallowed back the situation I had planned to tell her about Fang Xiānsheng and I.
I’d better find a normal person to ask.
After much deliberation, I finally called Ms. Jiang. Firstly, because this matter was related to Fang Xiānsheng after all, and secondly, I somehow felt that she was particularly good at dealing with emotional issues (?)
Oh, if that didn’t work, I would have to go to the church to find a priest to confess.
I asked Ms. Jiang: “If I really get together with Fang Xiānsheng, but I go to Moscow in the end, will this hurt Fang Xiānsheng?”
Ms. Jiang paused for a long while and then said: “Yes, he will be very sad.”
I didn’t understand and said, “Since you knew it would hurt him, why did you choose to let me be with him?”
“Because this is life, Mr. Xiao,” Ms. Jiang said: “Fang Fang is already twenty-four years old. I must let him understand that what he likes will both make him happy and sad. I cannot explain this to him clearly, only you can teach him, Mr. Xiao.”
For a moment, I really wanted to say to her: “You are so cruel.” But my throat felt like something was stuck. It hurt so much that I couldn’t say anything.
“So, if one day in the future, you really hurt him, I will still be grateful to you because this is also part of growing up.”
“I think, you don’t want Fang Fang to never grow up, do you?”
I didn’t answer her and hung up the phone.
My intuition was right. Ms. Jiang was really good at handling this kind of emotional problem. Or to put it bluntly, the reason why I was facing such a dilemma was also because of her.
I thought about the check and the recommendation letter again.
There really was no free lunch1“No such thing as a free lunch” is a popular adage communicating the idea that it is impossible to get something for nothing. in this world.
Only the mentally retarded Fang Xiānsheng would pay in advance.
