We weren’t close or had any business with each other. He sat down at a table on one side of the study and continued his work, while I, conscious of his presence, walked over to the bookshelf I had eyed before, trying to immerse myself in my activities. Standing in front of the densely packed humanities books, I ran my eyes over the spines.
I liked books, but I had never had the chance to read them freely. I couldn’t afford to buy them, nor could I borrow them from the library and bring them home. My mother, when she couldn’t control her anger, would throw anything in sight, even if it wasn’t hers, and if that didn’t satisfy her, she would tear it to shreds. There were so few of my belongings that they couldn’t even fill a single bag when we moved. To me who had such circumstances, this place was heaven to me. I carefully hid my excitement, conscious of his presence behind me, and slowly scanned the book titles.
Although the science book he had given me always seemed to stay in its place next to the sofa, I didn’t limit myself to just that book. Whenever I came into the study, I would calmly browse through the bookshelves to see what was available. There was no one to scold me for looking around the study. He had given me permission to read anything as long as I didn’t take the books out of the study. Trying to shake off my uneasy feelings, I looked for the book I had noted earlier, reminding myself not to be too self-conscious. Despite remembering its location, I had to wander through the vast shelves until I finally found the book and reached for it. Then it happened.
“School isn’t fun, is it?”
Even if there had been others here, I would have known that his question was directed at me. Because I was the only one in this house attending school. I turned my head towards him quietly, as if my guard had been lowered.
“It’s rare of you to give an immediate response.”
He said, seeming to notice my unusual reaction too. His eyes closed and opened slowly. He was still seated at the table, calmly turning the pages of his book. Though his gaze was fixed on the book, he spoke smoothly, as if he could see my every move.
“You probably don’t have any friends either.”
I wasn’t hurt by such words. I had never had friends in my seventeen years. I’d probably be upset if I ever had one, but I couldn’t feel so for what I’d never had. It was true that school wasn’t fun and that I had no friends, so I meekly nodded.
“Yes.”
Then he looked up from his book. His eyes examined my face as if he had found something interesting. Although we weren’t too far apart, I could tell that much. After studying my face for a while, he slowly opened his mouth again.
“There’s no one at your school with a better family background than you, Ji Yewoon, so don’t be intimidated.”
He had always disliked calling me Ji Yewoon, but now he called that name.
“I was going to tell you that, but it seems unnecessary.”
You’re already so confident.
His murmured words, barely audible, struck my ears the clearest.
At that moment, it felt like I had really gained a brother. Was this what siblings were like? Or was this how normal families lived? No one had ever shown interest in my school life before. Whether this counted as interest, I wasn’t sure, but just being asked such a question was unfamiliar. He had previously insisted that the name Song Yewoon suited me better, denying Ji Yewoon, and now he was telling me to leverage the power behind the name Ji Yewoon. He was an utterly unpredictable person.
Most puzzling of all, I wondered why I was hanging on his every word.
I stared at his face without responding. I had been taught that it wasn’t polite to look an adult straight in the eye, but that thought didn’t occur to me. We passed a silent moment, maintaining eye contact. I wasn’t sure if he wasn’t avoiding my gaze or if I wasn’t avoiding his.
“Don’t you have things you want to know about me?”
Eventually, he spoke first.
“I’m not one to talk at length, but why do I have to initiate conversations as if I’m the one eager to talk to you?”
Even his speech was tinged with his inherent arrogance. Couldn’t he just not care about me, treating me like I didn’t exist? Not being used to social interactions, I thought of such a reply but knew better than to say it out loud.
I knew he wasn’t speaking out of a desire to be close to me. However, it would be rude to respond ungraciously to someone who had generously offered me a place to rest because of my insomnia. Struggling to think of a topic to talk about, my mind felt like a rusty machine, incapable of smooth operation without some sort of lubricant. It took me a long time to finally speak.
“How old are you?”
But having almost no experience in conversing with anyone other than my mom, I couldn’t possibly lead a proper conversation with him.
“…”
“…”
A vacuum-like silence passed.
Suddenly, he burst into laughter.
My eyes blinked several times. When I realized I hadn’t wrongly seen him laughing, he looked at me directly with a smile still lingering in his eyes.
“I don’t want to answer that question.”
With a smile still on his lips, he stood up and slowly approached me. His refined and dignified steps contrasted with the casual hands in his pockets. He stopped right in front of me. The distance felt uncomfortably so close, and I found it burdensome to look up at him, so I kept my eyes forward. Consequently, I could see his lips moving clearly right in front of me.
“I wonder why is that so?”
“…”
Was it a question he expected an answer to?
“It’s quite unpleasant that you’re much younger than me.”
I was a sibling that didn’t match his level. From social class to age, nothing about me was adequate. The smile still lingering on his lips seemed to mock that reality.
“It’s not like I became your brother because I wanted to, Director.”
I didn’t say this out of defiance. I simply voiced my thoughts without any filtering or embellishment. I only realized how inappropriate my words might have sounded when the smile vanished from his face. It was too late to take back what I had already said.
“…’Director’, you say.”
However, instead of focusing on the term ‘brother,’ he repeated the word ’director’ as if tasting it. Unable to keep looking at his lips, I lowered my gaze. Just as the regret of walking so fearlessly in and out of a space where I could run into this man at any moment was rattling around in my chest to the limit, a low voice spoke, sinking slowly reaching towards the floor where my lowered gaze was at.
“I don’t want to have you as my little brother.”
“…”
“With that said, it doesn’t mean that I don’t like you.”
I heard each and every word, but I couldn’t understand them, like scattered puzzle pieces.
What did he mean by saying it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like me?
That was the end of the conversation. His feet, which had been in my lowered line of sight, disappeared. The cool presence that had been blocking my way was gone. I heard his footsteps retreat. Finally, I was left alone in the space surrounded by bookshelves. Only after he had completely retreated to his usual spot inside the room did I slowly exhale the breath I hadn’t realized I was holding.
It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like me…
I pondered his cryptic words. I still couldn’t be sure if it was okay for me to remain in this study.
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