It wasn’t just in his study that I felt like I was in a place I shouldn’t be.
In fact, I often wondered if in this entire time, the entire world was a place I shouldn’t have come to. Nowhere felt like it was my rightful place. Having a life that was never meant to be created, it made sense that there was no place for me in this world.
My mom would always threaten to abandon me whenever she got angry. I knew it wasn’t just something she said in the heat of the moment. Since I was a toddler barely able to walk, she had repeatedly said she wished I would disappear. While I was slow to start speaking compared to other kids my age, I had no problem understanding speech. Did my mom think that because I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t understand her words? Or perhaps she didn’t care whether I understood or not. Because even when I was older, she still said such things.
Every moment, I could sense the genuine disdain in my mom’s words. Perhaps I had sensed it even while I was in her womb. I never forgot the harsh face of my grandmother, who cursed me for surviving even though my mom drank herbicide to induce a miscarriage, calling me a tough weed.
“Where have you been? You weren’t in your room.”
The housekeeper who woke me up every morning was quite discreet. But even if she had been talkative, how could she have said anything? To be precise, she couldn’t say anything. I used to think it was just a rumor that the family hired people who couldn’t say anything to keep their secrets, but living in this house made me realize the truth behind the saying, “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.” The discreet housekeeper would knock on my door every morning, and if there was no response, she would come to the study to knock on the door. Hearing that, I would carefully sneak out the corridor and head to the kitchen, causing my mom to think I had just come down from my room. Although she constantly watched for any mistakes I would make, she never had the diligence to wake me up in the morning.
But today, something was different. I felt a chill down my spine.
“I just… went for a walk outside for a bit.”
“Is that so?”
It wasn’t that I had fooled her. She just couldn’t accuse me without proof. Her sharp eyes scanned me from head to toe, and I knew that if there weren’t others around, especially the chairman and the director, she would have grabbed my hair and yelled at me for trying to deceive her. I sat at the dining table, with my shoulders tense. As if waiting for me to sit there, a steaming bowl of freshly cooked white rice was placed in front of me. The glossy, steaming rice was a luxury I was experiencing for the first time. I stared blankly at the bowl without picking up my spoon, lost in thought.
Perhaps, I might never ever be able to go back to that study again.
“Are you doing well, Yewoon?”
I lifted my gaze from the bowl.
“Yes.”
Not knowing how to engage in warm conversations, I couldn’t add any pleasant words. I felt a hostile gaze from across the table after answering so, but I had no other choice.
“Good. That’s a relief. Director Ji, I mean Cheonghyun, please take care of him.”
The warmth from the person sitting next to me felt unfamiliar. It was rare for him to have breakfast with us since he left for work earlier than my school time.
“Yes.”
While I didn’t know how to engage in conversations warmly, that man simply had no reason to. Though we both gave short responses, the reasons behind them were different. From the moment we were born, our circumstances had always been different. Though we sat at the same table, we could never truly be the same. Thinking such thoughts, I picked up the side dishes in front of me. The table, always set with a lavish spread pretending to be a happy family, never tempted me to savor the food. No matter how much food was laid out, I never felt the urge to reach out for what I wanted. I only picked at the dishes directly in front of me.
“Now that we’re a family, how about going on a trip this summer during vacation?”
“Oh, my! Chairman, that sounds wonderful! But Yewoon still has a lot of studying to do. Can he really afford to take a break…”
Her words were so transparent that they didn’t even make me smile wryly.
“Maybe it would be better for just the two of us to go on a trip together this time.”
Even if she was on her knees begging me to go together, I would be the one to refuse. Though such a thing would never happen.
“Still, if we all go together, don’t you think us, as parents and children, will bond quickly, and the siblings will become closer too?”
The chairman’s words about family bonding sounded forced and awkward. Someone who was living in a mansion like this must have remarried dozens of times, it was clearly just a show. Even a high schooler like me could see that, so how could my gold-digging mom not? But my mom was skilled at making such situations into opportunities to get exactly what she wanted.
“What do you think, Yewoon? Would that be okay with you?”
Even without looking up to meet her eyes, I could tell from her voice. The subtle inflections that only her son could understand.
“I was planning to apply for summer self-study.”
Even without her hinting, my answer was predetermined. Staying in a house without her was more of a blessing, I could get the time I most desperately wanted.
“It’s a shame. Then study hard this time, and let’s all go together next winter. Director Ji, try to make time then.”
“I’ll try to do so.”
Could this scene really last until winter? Would my dad and the house stay the same?
I finally managed to finish the bowl of rice. By the time I finished eating, my mom, the chairman, and the director were all gone. I was rather relieved. Thinking I might as well do some reviewing in my room, I headed towards the stairs.
“Don’t even think about doing anything foolish. Understand?”
The chill in her voice made me shrink. I hadn’t expected her to be waiting in the living room just to warn me. I glanced around the empty living room, devoid of any witnesses, and sighed in resignation.
“I won’t be doing anything.”
My mom believed that everyone lived as obsessively and greedily as she did. No matter how much I showed that I lacked ambition, she assumed I was hiding my true nature. However, having grown up witnessing her greed, I was sickened and repelled by the very emotion of desire.
“Don’t go wandering around and end up getting on the chairman’s bad side.”
That won’t ever happen. The words I wanted to say died before they could leave my mouth. My mom finished what she wanted to say and left me in the living room as if I were a stranger. Becoming a madam in a night and wielding unchallenged authority, she particularly flaunted the traits I despised: her tendency to grow stronger in the presence of the weak.
Watching her retreating back, I peeled my feet from the floor and slowly climbed the stairs, sighing deeply. Yet, my chest remained tight, not easing in the slightest. I paused in my steps, feeling sharp pains in my stomach as if I had indigestion. The meal I forced into my stomach weighed heavily inside me. I stared at the remaining steps, trying to soothe the discomfort.
Everything indicated that I shouldn’t set foot in that study for a while. Even though I had thought I could do without it until dawn today, now it was forcibly out of reach.
And it really felt disappointing.
***
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