After that early dawn which made the previous ten days feel meaningless, I began visiting his study again. However, I always set the alarm on the clock on the study table for 6 AM. The routine of waking up to the alarm and tiptoeing secretly back to my room became repetitive. Though I didn’t go there every day, my patience never lasted more than two days. Thus, I ended up visiting the study at least once every three days, getting closer to summer vacation with each passing day.
When the vacation started, my mom would be away from home. Even the intimidating Chairman wouldn’t be around. I wouldn’t need to get up at 6 AM and sneak back as if I had never left my room. I could wake up with the warm sunlight streaming into the study. More importantly, I wouldn’t have to rush to fall asleep, allowing me to leisurely spend the early morning hours in my own room.
Anticipating and looking forward to a particular time was a new feeling for me.
“Aren’t you having your exam period?”
Startled by the sudden voice behind me, I turned my head quickly. I always thought he was either in the inner part of the study or left the study empty, not realizing he hadn’t returned home yet. Still wearing a suit jacket, it seemed he had come to the study before stopping by the dressing room. Remembering how formal he looked on the day he drove me to school on the way to his workplace, I quickly composed myself and replied.
“I’ve already finished my studying.”
It wasn’t an excuse; it was the truth.
“Is there a limit to studying?”
“I memorized the entire textbook because I lacked the basics.”
The school I was currently attending didn’t have nighttime self-study sessions. Neither the students nor their parents wanted it. They were busy with other forms of private education as soon as they left school. As a result, I had to come straight home. I didn’t attend any academies, and I had refused the private tutoring that the Chairman had offered. So, I sat at my desk and memorized the textbooks until nightfall. Since it was too late to build the basics, the most realistic way to get into college was to memorize the textbooks entirely and do well on the regular admission examination. I had already figured this out by the time I graduated from middle school.
“You’re smart, despite your appearance.”
He looked at my face intently, speaking as if in disbelief.
“And reckless.”
I couldn’t find the right words to respond to him. I had never been in a position to act recklessly before, so it was the first time I heard such a comment.
But it seemed he didn’t expect an answer from me. He turned and walked towards the inner part of the study, unbuttoning his neatly fastened jacket as he went. Watching him until he disappeared from my sight, I finally got back to my senses. I put the book I was holding back on the shelf and took out the next one. I had started reading a series of historical novels recently and had finished four volumes. Today, it was time to read the fifth book.
Thinking that I should read only until 1 AM tonight, I lay down on the sofa. With the book opened in front of me, I read with my chin resting on one arm. The temperature in the house was at the right temperature of both cool and warm, so cozy that you wouldn’t realize the season was currently summer. Among all the rooms, the study maintained the most comfortable temperature. It was the perfect condition to fall asleep quickly if I let my guard down even a little.
The alarm woke me up. Turning my body over, I slowly opened my eyes. The book I had been reading lay beside me, and the clock on the table was loudly announcing the morning. I reached out and pressed the button to turn it off. The silence that followed felt unusually serene. The sunlight streaming into the study seemed to pierce my eyes. Being summer, it was already bright outside at 6 AM. I felt a strange sense of romantical feeling. I should have returned to my room quickly, but I wanted to linger a bit longer. Slowly, I blinked my eyes. The study shimmered beautifully in the morning sunlight.
Recently, I read a line in a book.
‘When I opened my eyes, the morning came with the world looking different.’
I had dismissed it as something I wouldn’t understand, but at this moment, the phrase vividly came to me. I felt exactly as the phrase described. The refreshing and clear scenery of the study upon opening my eyes evoked a heart-pounding sensation.
My life had always been in the gutter. I was a non-recyclable trash, in a shade that never saw sunlight. The thing described in the book would never happen to me. It was only expected.
However.
How could I now feel so peaceful and comfortable? As if the world had changed.
I blinked my eyes blankly. The light flickered through my eyelids as they opened and closed. Like a camera adjusting its focus, my eyes, now fully awake, began to take in the scene of the study step by step. The spacious room, the high ceiling, the tall bookshelves filled to the brim. The crystal chandelier reflected the light, illuminating the space as if looking up at the sunlit surface from underwater.
It was a dazzling morning. I felt a delightful tickle. Perhaps this would be what happiness felt like. Conscious of the excitement in my heart, I slowly moved my eyes again. Just as they reached the table near the window where the sunlight fell like a painting, my gaze abruptly halted.
There was someone there.
Thinking this might be a dream, I bit my tongue lightly. The sharp pain confirmed this was happening in reality.
I saw a man leaning back in a chair, reading documents. He looked as if he was leisurely sipping coffee while basking in the sunlight streaming through the window. It was such an unrealistic sight. Even knowing it wasn’t a dream, it felt like one. It might have been because it was the first time we spent a morning around this time together.
The times I spent alone with him here were always at dawn. Even though the lights were always brightly on, it couldn’t compare to the brilliance of nature. Whenever I woke up to the alarm or the sound of the maid knocking, I was always alone in the study. At least, he was never in the places where I could see. It wasn’t the first time I’d seen him in the morning, but there was something different about seeing him here than when we met at breakfast or in the garden.
Had he gotten up early? I had that fleeting thought. I soon realized that he was still dressed the same as yesterday. If so, since when had he taken that seat?
I wasn’t worried about my sleeping habits. He wouldn’t have cared about how I slept. He was a person who wouldn’t take his eyes off his documents, busily reading at every moment. What filled my mind right now wasn’t worry, shame, or embarrassment, but it was a certain emotion.
It was the first time in my life that I had a space where I didn’t feel like an uninvited guest.
That unexpected feeling stirred my heart.
Could this peace be mine? If these days could continue, if I could maintain this, maybe my life could change a bit from how it was now. Perhaps I had finally found where I belong. I truly hoped so.
For the first time in my life, I was waiting and looking forward to something. My heart pounded with anticipation.
It was then.
“Have you stared enough?”
The peaceful silence was broken.
“Your gaze is so intense, it’s hard to pretend not to notice.”
I was so startled that I shut my eyes tightly.
After hearing his unexpected words, I became frozen like I had been struck by lightning. I closed my eyes, and it became quiet again as if nothing had happened. The silence was so deep that I thought I had hallucinated, it was hard to believe I had just heard a voice. But I could feel his gaze on my face. So, without a doubt, I had to accept that it wasn’t a hallucination. I had been so entranced by the romantical morning scene that I had let my guard down. It was too late for regret. Embarrassed, my face flushed hot.
“Go now. You’ve stared enough for quite a while.”
As soon as I heard those words, the shame vanished instantly. I sprang up. What time was it? I hurriedly turned my head to check the clock. 30 minutes. I had been staring for a full 30 minutes, so it would have been more strange if he hadn’t noticed. As if I wanted to disappear into the ground, I got up, tidied the blanket, and left the study immediately. I even forgot to greet him. It was just 30 minutes. Though I told myself nothing serious could have happened, I still felt a rush of anxiety and urgency.
Hurrying out of the hallway, I thought about it. Come to think of it, how did he know that I would leave as soon as I heard the alarm? Did he hear the sound from the inner part of the study, or was the soundproofing so poor that the alarm could be heard all the way to his room?
But I had to admit this. I had let my guard down. Such thoughts had caused me to relax my vigilance.
“Where have you been?”
I nearly collapsed in place.
“What are you sneaking around doing?”
Her cold voice made my whole body shiver.
The surprise I felt in the study earlier was nothing compared to this. I wished the world would end right then, as I was terribly horrified.
I had to admit this. I had let my guard down.
After that day that made the previous ten days feel meaningless, I rationalized that it would be okay to get up early and sneak back to my room. Nothing had happened so far, so I felt secure in that complete deception. Just that much made me drop my guard. Despite a lifetime of realizing that my destiny wasn’tgoing to be an easy life, I had become arrogant.
It’s over, I thought immediately.
Finding happiness was already hard, but why would it shatter easily like thin ice?
“Your mom is asking you a question right now. Aren’t you going to answer?”
I turned my head with difficulty and saw my mom glaring at me with a ferocious expression. Her menacing look made it impossible for me to open my lips, frozen tightly together. I got caught in a scene that was outside my territory. Even if the director took my side, it wouldn’t change anything. The director was at a higher position that my mom fawned over, but I…
“Ouch!”
“Shut your mouth.”
Barely holding back a scream, I suppressed it at her command, fearing someone might hear. It hurt so much that tears welled up. The hand gripping my hair showed no restraint. I was being dragged out of the house by the hair in the blink of an eye. The world was mocking me for letting my guard down. What I had feared and worried about had finally happened.
Even though I had lived with a father who took my small amount of money to pay off gambling debts, my mom would think I was living comfortably thanks to her. Even when I had more days where I skipped more meals than the days that I ate, she thought I was wasting food. So, how much worse would it be now? My mom, who remarried, thought I was living in luxury, eating three meals a day and staying in an excessively lavish room, wearing clothes that didn’t suit me. She wouldn’t tolerate even the slightest flaw from me. She was the kind of person who could kill me here and then act out a dramatic scene with tears, wondering what had happened.
That was my mom. It was the fate I had carried since birth.
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