It was you.
You were the one who covered me with the duvet then too. It wasn’t that I tossed and turned, then covered myself. It was you. My cold got better thanks to your kindness.
Now I finally understood. His voice, which always seemed cold, could be so gentle if I closed my eyes. His actions, which seemed rigid, could be warm when I was asleep. Now I knew that, but we could no longer share the same space like this.
Even though I was still his younger stepbrother and even if he tried to get along with me as step siblings, the kindness I received was no longer mine to enjoy. Given the circumstances, he had no reason to take responsibility for me. I didn’t wish to stay here any longer either.
The happy memory of that morning ended inside this study. I acknowledged that once I left the study, it would no longer be mine. What suited me was not the warm, sunlit study but a remote wine cellar without even a ray of light. My cruel mom made me painfully aware of my place before she left the world.
So, I had to accept that this kindness and warmth from him were no longer mine.
But even knowing that, I couldn’t open my eyes.
I knew I had to open my eyes, express my gratitude, and say goodbye. But I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t because my eyelids were heavy from not being fully awake. But if only I could extend this time a little longer. If I could stay in this warm study just a bit more.
My heart that had never desired anything before revealed a feeble selfishness.
In the end, I pretended to be asleep, missing the opportunity that came after half a month of waiting.
Not knowing when the next chance would come.
* * *
The next opportunity didn’t come for a long time, and the first day of school dawned without me seeing him.
The longer I went without seeing him, the more I regretted not taking my chance properly that day. But I never imagined the consequences of my greed would be so severe.
“Isn’t he shameless? He plans to keep studying here?”
“Did the family decide to keep that freeloader?”
“They must be crazy to keep that unlucky bastard after getting into such a tragic incident right after remarrying.”
“Did he pocket the bereavement money for his mother’s death? Seeing how he’s still here because he can’t let go of the school ranking.”
I couldn’t just sit back and wait for him to kick me out. It took me until the first day of school to realize that.
At any school, it was inevitable that I would be ostracized after transferring. Not all transfer students faced this, but for me, it was always the case. I could understand it. People must have been cautious about befriending a child with a troubled situation, fearing that misfortune might rub off on them. I didn’t really need friends, so it didn’t matter. I didn’t miss what I never had and thus I never wanted it.
Being ostracized at this school was no different. He had said that no one here had a better family background than “Ji Yewoon,” but that was neither entirely true nor false. While they revered the power of the Ji family, they didn’t consider “Song Yewoon” part of that family. However they couldn’t completely disregard my background when I had been “Ji Yewoon,” so even if they had continuously ignored me, they hadn’t resorted to the petty act of openly gossiping in my hearing. Children from prominent families didn’t behave in such a childish manner; instead, they showed their disdain in more subtle ways, like excluding me from group projects or not informing me of changes to our schedule.
But now that I was Song Yewoon, cut off from support, I was no longer someone they had to show any regard.
“Well, it worked out for the best, didn’t it? It was horrible just attending the same school with someone lowly like him.”
“They’ll make him transfer school, right?”
“Of course. Would the director just stand by? He despises paupers pretending to be rich.”
However, I wasn’t passionate enough to confront and fight over their mocking remarks. I didn’t hold my life in such high regard to argue. They weren’t wrong. It was true that I didn’t fit in and that I was a pauper pretending to be rich. The only incorrect parts were that I never received bereavement money for my mom’s death and that I wanted to continue attending this school. But whether their words were true or false didn’t matter. Correcting them wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t make me feel any better.
I just silently stared at the text in the textbook open on my desk, chewing over words that wouldn’t sink in.
Leaving that suffocating mansion would naturally mean dropping out of school. Studying while working in a factory would be a luxury. Once I saved enough money to live like a human being, I could start thinking about other stuff then. There was no reason to desperately change my lethargic life just because I suddenly found myself becoming a lone individual. I felt exhausted even before starting anything.
Maybe that’s why I felt like wanting to be alone for a while.
Suddenly, I wanted to leave through the back gate instead of the main gate where a car with the chauffeur was waiting for me. I had no intentions or aims. I just didn’t want to return feeling like this. I wanted to delay going back to that mansion where I was an uninvited guest, just for a little while. I wanted to be alone, somewhere other than in that mansion, somewhere no one knew me, somewhere away from their eyes.
I walked mindlessly. I didn’t have a destination, I just walked wherever my feet took me. I walked and walked and walked, until my feet hurt so much that I couldn’t walk anymore.
By the time I came to my senses, it was already night. I looked around and realized I had walked far from the school.
I sighed at my recklessness. I had dismissed his words about me being reckless, but now I thought he might have understood me better than I understood myself. Having never done anything as I like in my life, what courage drove me to walk so far? It was laughable. I turned to go back. Or so I thought.
But I couldn’t turn around and stood frozen in place.
…Was it okay for me to go back?
If I did go, where to?
I could tell where I was just by looking around. I knew the area the school was in. But there was one thing I didn’t know.
Where the mansion was.
I didn’t know that.
I stood there blankly for a long time. Eventually, I couldn’t move forward or backward and sat at a nearby bus stop.
I had always been driven by the chauffeur, going to school lethargically. I would get in the car in front of the house and get out in front of the school, then get back in at the school gate and get out at the garage. I had never gone out on my own, so I didn’t know the way back. The thought that it wasn’t a house I would live in for a long time was deeply ingrained in my mind. I had no use for its address, so I didn’t pay attention to it. I didn’t know which roads the car took from the house to the school or from the school back to the house. I probably also consciously tried not to know. Others might think I was stupid if they heard this. Some might scold me, saying I could just call someone, but even that was impossible.
Just as I didn’t know the house address, I also didn’t know any contact numbers.
Not the house phone, the chauffeur’s, …or that man’s.
I didn’t know any numbers.
If I had pulled this stunt when my mom was alive, I would have been locked in the cellar again and beaten severely for inconveniencing the family. In reality, it would have been because she couldn’t tolerate the disgrace I brought to her. On the surface, though, that would have been the reason. And I might never have been allowed out of the house again.
But now my mom was gone. Even if I didn’t return to that house, no one would come looking for me.
I didn’t feel lonely or sad about becoming an orphan, but it suddenly hit me that this was what it meant to be all alone in the world. Even if I sat here pathetically or wallowed in self-pity, no one would come looking for me. Not now, and ever.
I sat there idly, staring blankly at the darkened road.
I was in a quiet neighborhood. There was no one at the bus stop, and the buses stopped only sporadically. No one got on or off. A bus that stopped upon seeing a student sitting there opened its front door, but soon closed the door and continued on its way.
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