I hadn’t intended to run away. But if I helplessly gave up on returning to the house now, I would indeed be running away.
I would leave that house eventually, but I had planned to say a final goodbye. I should also take the belongings I had packed to leave at any time. There weren’t many, but they were all I had left in this world, and it bothered me to leave them behind. With these thoughts, I let out a slow sigh. The low sound of my sigh settled in the quiet bus stop. My head, which had been looking straight ahead, drooped wearily. Should I go back to school first? Then what would happen? I pondered this and counted the cracks in the pavement beneath my feet.
Then, a pair of shoes entered my field of vision. They were expensive, well-maintained shoes that wouldn’t tolerate even a speck of dust. The toes of the shoes were pointed towards me. I stared blankly at the legs standing in front of me, then raised my head. The figure was dressed in a neat and strict suit. His appearance was not unfamiliar. For some reason, I didn’t want to confirm the face of the person standing right in front of me. However, I couldn’t stop my gaze from moving up out of habit. Eventually, our eyes met.
“If you’re going to do this, do it for certain. If you can’t go somewhere where I can’t find you, don’t even try.”
It wasn’t just my paranoid feeling. The cold face looking down at me belonged to him.
There was no way to track my location. I didn’t sense any surveillance around, so there wasn’t any watchman. Yet, how could he appear right in front of me like this? I couldn’t believe the reality of this situation, so I couldn’t take my eyes off his eyes.
Suddenly, the wind blew. The wind that passed him and reached me carried the scent of the person who covered me with a blanket when I slept. For some reason, I missed those times. My mouth moved on its own, as if hoping to return to that time.
“I don’t… know the way back.”
A crack appeared on his usually calm and cold face. Thinking I might have seen it wrong, I slowly blinked. When I looked again, he had already returned to his expressionless, chilly demeanor.
What was he thinking when he came to find me? Or did he just happen to see me while passing by? The first words, like a greeting, that he said suggested the latter wasn’t possible, but I couldn’t help but be suspicious.
“Did it not occur to you to make a call?”
He sneered as if my words were nonsense.
“I was going to.”
That was a thought I had considered too. But it was impossible for me to do.
“…But after thinking so, I realized I didn’t know any contact number.”
As soon as I finished speaking, his face twisted again. This time, I hadn’t seen it wrong.
“Haaaa…”
His sigh was exceptionally loud. He couldn’t seem to relax his expression for a long time.
My half-hearted runaway attempt at night came to an end just like that. I didn’t even know how he found me. The cold wind blowing from him made it hard for me to talk to him, so I couldn’t bring up the matter I regretted not saying from before.
But our next meeting came sooner than I expected.
“What is this?”
There was no rebuke telling me not to make him repeat himself. I, too, thought my question was pointless. After the failed runaway and the confession that I didn’t know any contact number, it was obvious what the item he brought was for.
I grasped the phone in front of me. I had never owned one in my life, but I had seen everyone else use them, so I managed to turn it on without difficulty. I unlocked the screen and examined what appeared. Instead of a background image, another screen was displayed. After staring at it for a long time, I lifted my head. Expecting him to be engrossed in his breakfast by now, I was surprised to find his gaze fixed on my face. It was hard to meet his eyes directly, so I dropped my gaze. After focusing on his chin for a moment, I looked back at the phone. I slowly read the words on the screen aloud.
“Ji Cheonghyun.”
His name and number were displayed on the screen.
Not “hyung” or “director,” but simply the name “Ji Cheonghyun.” It seemed to draw a line, yet in reality…
“You are still Ji Yewoon, and I am your guardian.”
Not as a brother or a director, but as Ji Cheonghyun, the person himself.
“Even if you say you don’t want to stay in this house for a second longer, you can’t do as you please without my permission.”
I put the phone down on the table and looked again at his face. His face was cold and inscrutable as usual, but looking at him, I was certain I hadn’t misinterpreted it.
“…So I can stay here?”
“You have to stay here.”
It was an uncertainty that had been bothering me the entire time after my mom died and he had been away, but his answer was simple.
“Why?”
Was it as some kind of bereavement money for my mom’s death or his sense of responsibility? Which was it? The reason he said he would take care of me, an uninvited guest in his house.
“Did you think I’d throw a bundle of cash at you and tell you to leave?”
It was as if he could see right through my thoughts, one corner of his lips curling up as he spoke.
“That’s not it…”
I couldn’t finish my sentence and closed my mouth.
Naturally, I thought I had to leave this place, but the new owner of the house said that wasn’t necessary. Upon hearing his words, a new desire arose within me.
I was still longing for his study, and I was still clinging to the anticipation of perhaps finding happiness for the first time there. The emotions I thought I had forgotten were revived by the warm touch of someone who used to cover me with a blanket while I pretended to be asleep. Like frozen snow melting, so did my frozen emotions.
There were three years left until I became an adult. It was an opportunity to go to the university I had longed to attend, instead of a factory. My heart raced. Just like how the children at school mocked me, it didn’t matter if this came with the price of my mom’s life.
Life would be for those who remain, after all.
“Then, what should I do?”
“…”
I was asking what use I could be to him. He didn’t answer immediately, and instead, a seemingly endless silence followed.
“Do as you please.”
When he finally responded, I couldn’t tell if it was indifference, disinterest, or kindness.
“What? Should I give you a set task?”
I stared at his face. I tried to detect any hidden signs behind his expression with a suspicious look but found nothing. I grabbed the phone I had set down earlier, gripping it tightly as if it were a lifeline.
It felt like being exposed to a torrential downpour and hail without a roof. My consolation was that things couldn’t get worse than they already were. I was far from hopeful that things would get better.
“Just don’t do anything unnecessary like yesterday.”
However, the man who had been my brother only on paper until yesterday said he would gladly shield me from the harsh winds with his broad hands. That assurance comforted me more than the fact that I could stay within this house’s walls.
* * *
In this vast house, only he and I were left.
I no longer had to be on edge over an alarm set for 6 AM, nor did I need to find excuses to visit his study because I couldn’t sleep. I could freely watch TV in my room, explore a new worldon my computer, and study with the lights on until dawn. I no longer needed to hide somewhere else.
He asked what I wanted to do most.
I answered that I wanted to go to university.
Hearing my answer, he found it ridiculous and said that going to university wasn’t something to want but something needed to be done.
But in my whole life, it was not something I needed to do; it was something I wanted to do. Going to university wasn’t a choice I could make for myself. It was something I desperately wanted because I couldn’t have it.
I didn’t want to live a bottom-tier life like my mom. To avoid that, something had to change. How could I distance myself from my mom and get closer to living a life like common people? After long contemplation, I concluded that I had to go to university. If I could attend university like everyone else and think and worry about many things while living a normal life, my future might diverge from my mom’s life. Only then could I live like everyone else. In my previously lethargic life, this was my only goal and escape.
However, I dropped out of high school.
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