I received a gift from someone other than that man.
This was my first time.
I had received many things from that man. I had received comfort in his study and his kindness for no particular reason. There were many material things too—sumptuous late-night meals, a mobile phone, and a credit card I hadn’t used yet because I had no reason to go out. But receiving something from someone else was a first. I only remembered the existence of the gifted item, which I had forgotten while keeping it elsewhere, when I went downstairs for coffee late at night, unable to finish my homework. As I stared absentmindedly at the coffee being brewed, I recalled what I had received earlier and opened the refrigerator. The fresh chocolate I had stored earlier was sitting there quietly.
The tutor had said it wasn’t anything grand, but to me, it felt quite significant. I wasn’t used to receiving things from others, but rejecting them was even more unfamiliar, so I had obediently taken it and stored it in the refrigerator as instructed earlier that day.
The sound of the coffee machine filling the kitchen stopped. As if it was a signal, I took out the chocolate and carefully closed the refrigerator door. And as I turned to grab the coffee.
Someone was standing right behind me, I nearly dropped the chocolate in my hands in surprise.
I hadn’t sensed any presence walking in.
My heart skipped a beat in surprise as I realised he was there, staring at what I was doing. I lifted my head and met his gaze. My gaze nearly stopped before reaching his eyes out of habit, but remembering his previous remark, I forced my hesitant eyes up to meet his eyes.
“Would you… like some?”
He didn’t give any response. He just stared into my eyes silently. Since I started to consciously make eye contact with him, I had a new curiosity. Prolonged exposure to cold should cause frostbite, but why did I feel like I was getting burned when I looked into those cold eyes? This curiosity always came up when I stared into his eyes for a long time, and it was the same now. Unable to endure his impassive and cold face, I eventually extended what I was holding toward him and conversed first.
“What is it?”
Only then did his gaze shift away from my face. His eyes, looking down at the flat box in my hand, were colder than when he had been looking at me.
“The tutor gave it to me to eat.”
His gaze suddenly returned to my face.
I realized I had been mistaken. That was my immediate thought.
The eyes I had been seeing until now weren’t cold. They had just seemed indifferent and stern, but his eyes right now were genuinely chilling, freezing me to the bone. It was now clear to me that he had never truly looked at me with cold eyes, as I now felt an overwhelming chill.
“Why?”
My lips froze at the cold question, and I couldn’t come up with a straight answer. I didn’t know why this was given to me either.
“I’m not sure too.”
I flinched, unsure why he was so silently angry, wondering if I had done something wrong. I didn’t know why the tutor had given this to me. I only guessed it might be a token of appreciation for the snacks always provided during the tutoring sessions. Though it made me wonder why he didn’t give this to the housekeeper instead.
“Give it to me.”
But my thoughts didn’t last long.
His words and actions didn’t match. He said, “give it to me,” but without waiting for me to hand it over, he snatched the box from my hands. He walked off after taking the box, and I stared after him in a daze. He finally stopped his steps at one spot.
Clank!
A thunderous noise echoed. I shuddered at the sound. It was a savage noise, like something heavy had suddenly fallen.
If I hadn’t seen it myself, I wouldn’t have believed it. The fact that he, standing there with such a serene expression, had just thrown the box into the trash can.
“Are you naive or just foolish?”
His voice was so cold it felt like it froze my very blood. His voice pricked my ears like it had thorns.
Just like how he had tossed the chocolate box into the trash, he left me in the kitchen. I was left alone in the now eerily quiet kitchen. I stood there for a long time, dazed. His cold back, leaving without even glancing backward, lingered before my eyes.
He had never been angry at me before.
Realizing this, something ached inside me. It wasn’t my ears; it was somewhere else that throbbed.
I forgot the cup of coffee and went back to my room. The workbook I had been so focused on earlier no longer held my attention. I lowered my hands beneath the desk and stared blankly.
Was it wrong to accept things from others? Was it a stain on his honor? I couldn’t defend myself by claiming I didn’t know it wasn’t allowed. Ignorance was no excuse. He was a man who could get angry anytime he didn’t like my behavior. I was used to being the receiving end of others’ anger. My mom had always been angry at me. So, there was nothing to fear about him being angry at me.
There was nothing to fear, but…
I lifted my legs, which had been dangling under the chair, and hugged them. I sat curled up with my chin resting on my knees, just thinking about his gaze sent a chill through me.
My heart felt strange, almost as if it were aching. It made no sense, but…
I felt sorrowful.
Should I apologize?
But what’s the reason?
It would be helpful if he could tell me the exact reason for his anger. Whatever the reason, I wouldn’t refute it. I was someone who could admit to wrongdoing even if I didn’t do anything wrong. My whole life had been that way.
Creak-
At that moment, I heard the sound of a hinge creaking. Was it a hallucination? I curled up even more. But the approaching footsteps suggested I hadn’t misheard. When I turned my head towards the sound, my body shrunk further. A cold chill brushed against my bare skin. Slowly, I lifted my head. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him standing there, his black coat draped over him, the cold wind blowing through it. His mouth, which had been tightly shut, opened as our eyes met.
“There isn’t a place in this house that isn’t my space. Don’t be upset if I come in without knocking.”
I had thought he left the kitchen because he didn’t want to see me, but I didn’t realize he left the house. I stared blankly at his face. Seeing him in my room felt unfamiliar, so I blinked slowly.
Contrary to his words, I wasn’t upset at all. He was right. Even my room was his space. I had never once thought he needed to knock to enter my room. So I was about to nod to indicate I had no complaints. But before I could, I heard the sound of something being put down on my desk. I turned my head toward the sound.
“…”
What he had placed on my desk was…
“I’m fine without it.”
It was chocolate. The transparent box was packed with chocolates that looked expensive, far more so than the ones the tutor had given me.
This man was really a puzzling person. Had he felt guilty about throwing them away? He could have had his assistant buy them, but he went out himself. I was a person undeserving of such effort to be appeased. Though a fleeting thought of sorrow crossed my mind, it didn’t mean I hated or resented him. I genuinely was fine.
…Or perhaps not. Could it be that I only felt fine because he had now approached me first? If he hadn’t come, would I still have been able to convince myself that I was fine? Even as I told myself I was okay, I couldn’t be sure of my true feelings.
“…Seems like you’re just foolish.”
His voice was low, almost like a sigh.
“Just go to sleep.”
With that, he left the room. As if no one had entered just moments ago, the door closed without a trace. I was alone in the room and it became silent again. Unconsciously, I pressed my hand to my left chest. My chest throbbed.
My response seemed normal enough, so what exactly had pulled a nerve in him? I stared blankly at the spot where he had been, thinking of his parting comment about my foolishness. The place where he had stood felt several degrees colder, as if the chill was still lingering.
I decided to stop my studying and climbed onto my bed, not necessarily to obediently follow his advice, but because I knew I wouldn’t be able to concentrate anymore. I turned on the TV, leaning against the headboard with a duvet draped over my knees, and absently pressed the remote buttons. As I watched the random channel, certain words caught my ear, making me sit up abruptly.
[You’re joining us today for the Valentine’s Day event. How do you feel about it?]
[Yes, I want to thank everyone who participated, and for those who couldn’t join this time, we have a White Day event coming up, so please…]
I reached for my phone on the bedside table. The screen showed a low red battery level, a reminder of how seldom I checked it.
11:48
February 14
Suddenly, my chest tightened. Thump, thump-. A sound coming from somewhere made my ears ring. It was a familiar sensation, the same throbbing I felt when I wanted to escape the study before. It throbbed. My left chest area.
Slowly, I turned my head. In the dim room, lit only by the TV, I stared blankly at the object casting a shadow. Was the chocolate he left on my desk an apology for throwing away the previous one? Or?
Or maybe…
‘…Seems like you’re just foolish.’
His low, sigh-like voice lingered in my ears. Thump, thump-. The sound of something, similar to banging or knocking, grew louder and louder.
That night, I couldn’t sleep properly, tossing and turning all night.
And once again, without fail, the tutor was replaced.
* * *
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