His hand on my cheek was gentle, warm to the point of burning. The hand, wide enough to cover not just one cheek but my entire face, was unexpectedly soft for its intimidating size. My face tingled and stung, despite his gentle touch wasn’t the least bit rough on me, as if he was squeezing cotton wool,. It was because of his sharp gaze fixed intently on me. His eyes were heavy and still, as they clung to my face, unwilling to let go. As if he was holding something back, his eyes weighed heavily on my heart.
Right then. Thump, thump-. I heard a thumping noise again, muffled in my ears. It was a familiar sound I had heard before, as if something was banging or knocking. Suddenly, my left chest felt heavy.
“Your cheeks.”
The voice that I hadn’t heard in a week. His voice was lower and more subdued than usual, as if he was tired.
“They’ve gotten a bit chubbier.”
His words could have sounded accusatory, as if implying I had been indulging myself while he was gone. But I didn’t misunderstand him. His eyes showed no sign of reproach. His languid tone, as if observing the time that had passed, merely expressed what he saw as it was.
I fell silent, not knowing what to say in response. My neck hurt from tilting too far back to look up at him, so close and very near that I could almost feel his breath on me. He was closer than ever before. As if a week of distance had been closed in an instant. As if…….
Almost as if he had missed me.
“……”
“……”
I held my breath as the tips of his fingers moved lightly over my face. His touch was as soft as a feather, making my spine shudder. His fingertips throbbed and tingled. I got so hot that I couldn’t tell if the heat came from his hand or my face.
“Lie down and sleep.”
He said as he withdrew his hand.
“…”
His casual words implied that he had been watching over me while I slept. Like becoming a pillar of statue, I sat up and looked into his face for a moment. Only when he stepped aside as if to say he wasn’t going to be in my way, did I come to my senses and get up.
I didn’t leave the study. As always, I settled onto the sofa and pulled a cozy blanket over myself, feeling his gaze as I did so. I pulled the blanket up to my lips, my breath mingling with the fabric. Thump-. The sound that had been haunting my ears earlier grew louder. Despite the bright midday sun streaming into the blue study, I closed my eyes again. I’d just slept soundly enough to feel refreshed, but I’d drifted back to sleep, seeking to escape his persistent gaze.
Yet, I couldn’t sleep easily. It wasn’t just the sunlight or the fact that I had already rested well.
It was because of the sensation on my lips under the blanket.
Just before his hand withdrew, his fingers had brushed against my lips, leaving them tingling. The warmth lingered, as if I had been burned. I tucked my lower lip in, biting it slightly, as if to hide the lingering sensation.
Eventually, I fell asleep again, escaping into unconsciousness. When I woke up, the sun was setting. I had spent the entire day in sleep, a stark contrast to the restless nights of the past week.
After a week of sleeplessness and constant tossing and turning in this spot, I finally could sleep soundly. My rest was deeper and more comfortable than any sleep in my own cosy bed. The reason for such a peaceful rest was obvious when I opened my eyes.
Before I had fallen asleep, our distance had been too close. I had been so close to him, so breathtakingly close that there was no distance between us, but now he was so far away, as if it was only a dream. He wasn’t on the sofa across from me, but seated in front of the table where I had been sitting when he came back. He was sitting where I’d been, focused as always on his papers.
It wasn’t truly that far. Compared to the previous days he had been gone, he was now within my arm’s reach. Just having him in my line of sight was comforting.
I blinked slowly, and the scene changed. The blue study, once cool and serene, now glowed with golden light, like a room warmed only by a fireplace. The setting sun reddened the glass windows behind him. Long shafts of sunlight poured into the study. Long shafts of sunlight poured into the study. It was a glorious scene, a dazzling sunset, but no matter how stunning it was, it was no match for the romantic picturesque side view of him bathed in that light. I gazed mesmerised at him, immersed in the twilight. A second felt like an eternity. This reality was like an unbroken dream, him being unreachable even though he was right in front of me.
Thump, thump-. Again, I heard the muffled thumping in my ears.
A memory resurfaced inside me. It was an emotion I had hidden deep within, one that I had avoided acknowledging even to myself.
‘When I opened my eyes, the morning came with the world looking different.’
There was a morning when I wondered if the feeling of happiness might be something like this—when my heart was inexplicably pounding. That time, that man was also by the window where the sunlight poured in like a painting. It was a time that felt dreamlike, enough to make me bite my tongue. For the first time in my life, I did not feel like an uninvited guest. The unfamiliar sensation caused my heart to throb. The feeling I had back then was…
Fluttering.
Yes, it was fluttering.
The indistinct nature of that emotion was the pounding sound of my heart echoing in my ears.
At that time, I felt that this peace could not belong to me. I wished for such days to continue, but I believed it wasn’t my fate. However, unbelievably… everyday, I was now living the time I had longed for with a racing heart. Simply because that man was still sitting in that same spot.
A dazzling and magnificent scenery, a man so elegant and beautiful as if he were a painting. Perhaps back then, I…
Suddenly, my flowing thoughts came to an abrupt halt.
His head moved unexpectedly.
I quickly closed my eyes. Before his eyes could meet mine, I barely managed to shut them. This happened before. I had lost myself watching him before and felt embarrassed, yet I had forgotten that and was caught up in the same sentiment again. I pretended to be asleep, nervously hoping he wouldn’t realize I had been watching him again.
Creak-
The sound of a chair scraping the floor roused my nerves. It was the sound of him rising from his seat. The fact that he didn’t return to his chair suggested that, fortunately, he hadn’t noticed me watching him. I inwardly sighed in relief. Yet, my startled heart wouldn’t calm down easily. Thump, thump—my heart’s loud beating filled my ears.
Soon, I heard footsteps approaching quietly. Had I not been so alert, I wouldn’t have heard the silent and cautious steps.
The sound stopped. Only silence remained. The stillness was so profound that it felt like I could hear the air moving between us. Breathing evenly as if asleep, I thought that if a gaze could make noise, his eyes on my face would be incredibly loud. If a gaze had weight, my face would be deeply indented. I could feel his gaze resting on my face so undoubtedly clear. I could feel it, even with my eyes closed. I could almost tell what kind of look he was giving me. His face, which had cupped my cheek, hovered vividly before my tightly shut eyes.
I worried whether my pretence to be asleep would be obvious, whether my eyelids were trembling noticeably, whether the thumping sound of my heart could reach him. As if to mock my fretting and anxious mind, the louder the pounding of my heart grew. Just as my anxiety peaked, the pounding in my ears stopped.
The deafening pounding stopped.
Beep-. A long beep echoed in my ears.
My breathing stopped. I barely managed to keep my eyes shut from opening reflexively in shock.
Something pressed against my lips, making me unable to release a gasp of surprise.
The moment I realized what was touching my lips, it felt as if the world and time had stopped.
Thud-
I heard the sound of a door closing, but I couldn’t open my eyes for a while. Only when I was sure that the library was completely still did I slowly open my closed eyes.
Unconsciously, I rubbed my lips with my fingertips. My heart was beating violently as if it would burst out of my chest. The lips that had secretly touched mine burned as if they were on fire.
A man who had never coveted anything that wasn’t his, who could have anything he wanted at his hand without ever having to think of stealing or snatching.
He had secretly kissed the lips of someone who was sleeping.
And then he left calmly, as if nothing had happened.
My process of thoughts stopped. The rusty gears of my mind froze, refusing to process what had just occurred.
I was left behind, and all I could do was catch my breath and calm my confused mind.
* * *
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