AUG Chapter 6.6

Today was my mom’s memorial day.

A year had passed since only he and I remained in this house.

I had spent four seasons with him. The fact that it had been a year since my mom died felt more poignant than anything else.

To be honest, I didn’t want to visit her.

They say the dead can’t speak or harm the living, but I was still terrified and anxious about facing my mom’s remnants. If I stood before her urn, looking a bit plumper as that man had said, it felt like my mom would strike me with a bolt of lightning, unable to contain her anger at her well-fed son. I sincerely hoped I wouldn’t have to go, but I didn’t have the courage to ignore my mom’s memorial day.

After much contemplation, I finally told him that morning that I would visit the columbarium.

“You don’t have to go.”

His firm reply left me momentarily speechless. I had thought that if he didn’t provide me with a driver, I could use that as an excuse not to go. But it still felt uneasy to give in so quickly, so I tried to express my intention once more.

“Still…”

“Her urn is no longer there.”

His unexpected words abruptly cut off my attempt. It took me a moment to understand what he meant.

What did he mean by it’s no longer there?

“Pardon?”

Since the funeral, I had not visited the columbarium once. I thought maybe it had been moved somewhere else in my absence, but his answer sounded strange. If the urn wasn’t there, shouldn’t I just go to where it had been moved? His answer was far from what I imagined. Or, more accurately, it wasn’t what I could have imagined.

“I threw it away.”

My momentary doubt that I had misheard was dispelled by the next words.

“Do I have to spend money to keep it nicely there?”

“…”

“I don’t have such romantic thoughts like feeling thankful to her for giving birth to you. It’s just a shame I can’t kill her even if I wanted to, because there’s no way to kill someone who’s already dead.””

Without realizing, I closed my mouth.

After that day, he never directly confessed to me again. However, he didn’t entirely pretend that it didn’t happen either. From time to time, like right now, he would reveal his feelings in a way that I couldn’t ignore, making me realize that what happened that day was not a dream, but reality.

He was not cowed. He didn’t beg for my feelings. He treated me the same way as before, making it hard to believe that he had confessed so fiercely. He still wasn’t affectionate towards me, only speaking when necessary. The days and seasons passed as if nothing had happened, as if nothing extraordinary had happened. Without demanding an answer from me, without showing me any extra affection.

Sometimes, I wondered if I had misunderstood his words. But such doubts didn’t last long. Little things caught my eyes. When I woke up from a nap in the study, his gaze would be on me instead of the thick book in his hand, or he would push my favorite side dish towards me during meals as if it were nothing, or reacting sensitively to my matters like today. Those were undeniable signals.

There were many times when I bluntly confessed to him that I had been abused by my mom. I thought he’d just listen and forget. I didn’t realize he was so angry that he’d thrown away the urn because he couldn’t bring himself to kill that woman who was already dead again. Suddenly, I remembered him saying it was a pity that my grandmother had already passed away. That regret might have been because…

“Why? Do I not seem human to you?”

He asked, meeting my eyes as I only stared at him without answering. I Unable to reveal everything I was thinking, I just shook my head. I carefully expressed only the knot of emotions filling my chest.

“If you’re not human, then…”

I would really fall into the fires of hell.

“Then I must be worse than an animal.”

Feeling relieved that I had nowhere to visit my mom made me feel like a piece of trash worse than an animal. I despised myself for being comforted by his words. No matter how abusive and mean my mom was, she was biologically still my mom. Thinking otherwise was wrong. But…

All I could think of now was being thankful for the kindness he showed me.

“Let’s go out.”

It was when I had lost my appetite and was just playing with my food. When I looked up to see him getting up to leave, he motioned for me to get ready. I wondered where he was taking me and what kind of whim he was having, since he had never asked me to go out with him before, which made me miss the chance to refuse. I wasn’t in a position to disobey his words, and given that he had made sure I wouldn’t have to think about or visit my mom on her death anniversaries by disposing of her urn, I didn’t have the heart to refuse.

My closet full of clothes was filled by his secretary every season. Not knowing where we were going, I didn’t know what clothes to wear. After some contemplation, I chose to dress neatly. When I came down the stairs, he was waiting downstairs and led the way out of the house.

It had been over a year since I was in a car with him. I had locked myself in the house like a bird that had closed its own cage door, and he didn’t force me to go out. So this was the first time we sat side by side in the backseat of his car since the day he drove me to school. I didn’t ask where we were going, and he didn’t tell me either.

The car stopped in front of a department store. I followed him, wondering, as I didn’t think any stores would be open before 9 AM.

Sure enough, there were no employees inside the glass doors of the department store. Looking at the deserted and empty place, I wondered why someone who knew this would come here in vain. And then, the door opened in front of me. A neatly dressed employee opened the locked door and bowed deeply to greet him. The man ignored the polite greeting off like air and stepped through the door.

“Isn’t it… still closed?”

He didn’t bother to reply, as if my question wasn’t worth answering.

I had to understand through my own intuition. The fact that usual rules didn’t apply in the face of his wealth and power. There was no need for him to explain anything to me. He walked straight in, picking up clothes as he liked.

“Try this on.”

I struggled to catch the clothes he tossed into my arms. Looking down at the clothes, I blinked, still disoriented. I hadn’t yet adapted to being dragged to a closed department store, and he was acting like he’d come all this way just to buy my clothes. No, maybe that really was his whole purpose.

“I told you not to make me repeat myself.”

I had no choice but to obediently head to the fitting room with the clothes. The employee, who had been following him at a distance to keep him out of the way, had already entered the store and was holding the door to the dressing room open for me to enter. His unusual behavior was confusing, but I felt quite okay, as this was the first time I had ever been in a department store and the first time I had ever tried on new clothes in a dressing room.

He glanced at me briefly after I came out wearing the new clothes, then picked several more outfits in the same size, instructing the staff to send them over. Thinking it was over, I followed him out of the store, relieved.

But it wasn’t the end; it was just the beginning. He moved from store to store, making me try on more clothes. Once he found the right size, he picked several more of the same size. Despite buying so many clothes, not a single shopping bag appeared. I wondered where all the purchased clothes were going. Then, I realized he didn’t need to carry anything himself. I remembered his secretaries who had filled my closet with clothes. I was reminded again of the kind of person I was living with.

Finally, after changing into new clothes from head to toe that cost unimaginable amounts, we left the department store. Even then, the department store remained closed. I wasn’t sure if it still hadn’t opened or if he had somehow kept it closed, but I decided not to dwell on it. This world seemed like it was beyond my understanding.

It was long past the time he should have been at work. I assumed we would now go our separate ways, but I was soon proven wrong.

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