“I want to commute to the university like everyone else.”
I had to say it clearly this time to avoid any misunderstanding. His brow furrowed instantly, but I steeled myself, knowing that cautiously wording it with ambiguity would only lead to another miscommunication again.
“I’m thinking of taking the bus or subway. It’s actually less complicated…”
“I thought you were asking for quite a cute request.”
My words were cut off by his interruption, and I closed my mouth as his cold voice sent chills down my spine. Only then did I notice his face had hardened, matching his cold tone. Facing his displeasure, I realized I hadn’t misjudged. Even if he had been willing to grant a difficult request, this request of mine was something he would never agree to.
“Song Yewoon.”
Song Yewoon. He only called me in such a cold manner by my full name when he was angry to the bone. Despite his bount nature, he tried his best to be gentle to me. But sometimes, he would show this rigid and strict nature, usually when…
“If you think that you could slip out of my grasp because you’re an adult now, I would become angry.”
When I acted as if I wanted to escape from his territory. I had never imagined that my request could be seen that way, so I missed my chance to refute.
“Did you expect me to let you wander outside defenceless?”
“…”
“If you want to go to the university, think it over again.”
His words were genuine, without the slightest hint of exaggeration. I was foolish to think for a moment that the man, who wouldn’t even let me go out onto the main street in front of the house alone, would allow me to use public transportation to get to the university.
After he selfishly and unfairly threatened me for one last time, I trudged out of the garage following him. On the walk back to the house, the car key in my hand felt like it was piercing my skin more painfully than a thorn. It was as heavy as my troubled heart. Even though I walked right behind him, it felt like he was so far ahead of me that it was hard to keep up. Worried that the widening distance would also make his heart grow farther away, I mustered strength in my weak legs to keep pace with him.
Suddenly, I recalled the day I received my university acceptance letter. The meaning behind his last words, like pieces of a puzzle, fell into place clearly and precisely. It was so clear that I could understand his hidden meaning.
Once again, I realized that daringly asking him to empathize with my understanding would only inflame his anger and make no difference.
***
I didn’t expect to get into university at the usual age. I wouldn’t have felt too aggrieved if I had to retake the entrance exam. Despite receiving extensive tutoring, university seemed like a distant place. Unlike my occasionally anxious mind, fearing to disappoint him for his constant support, he didn’t seem particularly interested in my grades. Though I couldn’t tell if he received updates from my tutors, he never openly managed my grades. He wasn’t someone with the leisure to be concerned with such trivial matters. He only said it was fine to retake the exams as many times as needed until I got into my desired university.
I had never been ambitious to aim for an absurdly prestigious university. The university I applied to suited my grades, and it would have been a place I had never even dreamed of attending before. When I found out that I received the acceptance to a university I thought was beyond my reach, I was so surprised that I found it hard to believe it wasn’t a dream. Overjoyed with getting into a university that felt more than I deserved, I immediately informed him of the acceptance when he returned home from work.
I didn’t even ask for his congratulations. However, when I saw the look of his displeased expression and silence, I realized too late that I had been too naive. My university wasn’t just about me. Regardless of whether or not I was visibly part of the Ji family or had roles to fulfill for the Ji family, it was an unchanging fact that I was a member of the Ji family. Thus, even though the university seemed more than I deserved, it was one the Ji family wouldn’t even consider worthy of acknowledgment. I failed to understand that him saying it was fine to retake the exams as many times as needed implied I should meet the standards of the Ji family, who would only acknowledge prestigious universities.
‘Should I retake the exam?’
After hesitating, I cautiously spoke. But he remained silent for a long time.
While I was happy about the acceptance, I wouldn’t have been too disappointed to retake it again next year. I was prepared to retake the university entrance exam as many times as needed to meet my guardian’s standards. However, he only looked at me with an unreadable expression and didn’t speak for a long time.
‘I’m still contemplating.’
And the words he finally let out were…
‘Whether to do something I’ve never done before and contradict myself.’
It was hard to understand him immediately. I racked my brain, unable to grasp his metaphorical expression, perhaps due to my weakness with applied problems. Just as I was about to ask for clarification, he continued.
‘Why did I agree to send you to university again?’
I then realized why he had remained silent for so long. It wasn’t a matter of the university’s accreditation. He was saying that he had second thoughts about letting me go to university.
The display of his contradiction left me shocked and speechless. He had said I could do whatever I wanted and that going to university was a necessity, not something to want. I knew I should know my place and shouldn’t be feeling this way, but I still felt disappointed. It wasn’t that I regretted studying hard for it. An indescribable emotion roiled inside me, threatening to consume me.
‘I was complacent, thinking that graduating from university to get a degree was a given.’
‘…You said you wouldn’t tell me what not to do.’
I retorted at him for the first time, expressing my frustration. I would have understood if he had told me from the start that I should know my place. I wished he would tell me sooner that it was a dream beyond my reach. I couldn’t hide my disheartened expression. I turned my gaze away, unable to face him any longer. He remained silent again, his persistent stare fixed on my face. After a prolonged silence, he finally spoke with a low sigh.
‘It might sound petty, Yewoon, but to me…’
His gentle call of ‘Yewoon’ seemed an attempt to comfort me, and I felt another wave of sorrow.
‘I’m not pleased about your worldview expanding.’
‘…’
‘Even letting you out for the shortest moment feels wasteful. How can I watch if some scumbags latch onto you?’
The direction of his subsequent words were so unexpected that I was left stunned.
It was an extended reason for why he wouldn’t let me out alone. It was in line with him throwing away the chocolates I received from others and constantly replacing my tutors. It occurred to me in hindsight that maybe he made me quit high school for similar reasons.
‘That would be… confinement.’
But instead of feeling horrified or bitter, my sorrowful feelings instantly dissipated. It was ridiculous. While his actions were often incomprehensible, they usually stemmed from his affection for me. Every time I realised this, it calmed my surprise and dispersed my sorrow, as it did now.
‘Your confinement shall be delayed until after graduation.’
He didn’t say that he wouldn’t imprison me. The fact that he allowed me to graduate suggested he had decided to endure contradicting himself after much deliberation. Ultimately, I couldn’t help but laugh in exasperation.
‘What’s funny? Do you think it’s a joke?’
He wasn’t someone who made jokes. Since I had been living with him alone, there was never a single moment where I felt suffocated or wanted to escape, so it didn’t sound particularly scary. If his idea of confinement was in the same sense as mycurrent lifestyle.
‘Should I graduate early?’
‘Do your best for that.’
I really didn’t have the desire to leave him.
***
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