That happened not too long ago. As I ruminated on the memory, I swallowed my sigh.
This silence was uncomfortable. It was a feeling I hadn’t experienced in a long time.
Couples who were quiet would learn to get used to the silence before learning how to increase their conversations. The skill to make small talk wouldn’t come naturally, and there was no way to suddenly have endless topics to discuss. Rather, it’s better to get used to not to feel uncomfortable or awkward in the absence of conversation. Therefore, a quiet moment with him shouldn’t have felt strangely uncomfortable.
However, at this moment, the sound of his even breathing against my back was so distracting that I couldn’t sleep.
Even if he was angry, he never used a different bed or turned his back on me. This was something he had never broken since the day I confessed to him and we came home together.
But I hadn’t yet reached his level of maturity. Even though he was the one unilaterally angry, I was the one who was afraid and had turned my back on him. I felt cramped in a bed that was wide enough to keep me from falling off no matter how many times I rolled over. Even though I was far away from him, it felt as if I couldn’t get away from him. All my attention was so focused on him that I couldn’t sleep.
‘If you want to go to the university, think it over again.’
I couldn’t misunderstand what he meant. To the man who had thought about not letting me go to university because he didn’t want my worldview to expand, my desire to take public transportation to school must have seemed utterly unrealistic.
Every time I saw him not keeping silent or ignoring me when he was angry, I realized how much more of an adult he was compared to me. Conversely, it was bewildering to see him act so immaturely, ready to lock me up at home whenever he misunderstood that I wanted to escape his grasp. The man who was so coldly rational in business would lose his composure only with me. And I didn’t entirely dislike this as it seemed to reflect the size of his affection for me, perhaps making me the strange one.
Though it was still difficult for me to align with his unreasonable reasoning, a part of me was glad that he was sensitive to my actions. I might get upset if one day he would take such requests of mine lightly. Maybe that’s why there was the saying ‘birds of a feather flock together’, and ‘one takes the color of one’s company’.
The chauffeur wasn’t working for me, but him. Thus, asking him to drop me off far from school wouldn’t work. Driving myself to the university was probably already a significant concession on his part. It would be better to follow his advice and look for a public parking lot somewhere near the university.
That was my conclusion after sleeplessly turning my back to him.
Now that I reached my conclusion, I slowly turned towards him. Seeing him lying closer to me than usual, it seemed like he had narrowed our physical distance since he couldn’t bridge the emotional distance, which touched me deeply. As I cautiously approached him, his body moved closer towards me, surprising me into stillness.
“Have you finished thinking about it?”
His low, muffled voice didn’t sound like he had just woken up but rather like he had been waiting in silence for me to finish thinking. His eyes, which met mine even in the darkness, had a clear expression. I hesitated briefly before moving a little closer to him. He naturally extended his arm and pulled me into his embrace, as if he had never been angry.
His warmth felt the same as always, as if nothing had happened. I slowly burrowed into his chest and rubbed my face against him, as if seeking comfort. His hand stroked my hair cautiously. His affection, never turning his back on me, was a warmth I leaned into. I softly began to speak.
“I don’t have a driving license.”
There was no need for lengthy explanations. His hand, which had been stroking my hair, paused momentarily as if acknowledging my words, then resumed as if it wasn’t anything big.
“Starting tomorrow, the chauffeur will take you.”
It was obvious where I would be taken to. Either to a driving school or some other route that would get me my license faster. The order had been entirely reversed. Typically, one would buy a car after obtaining a license, but here, I was getting a license to drive the car.
“I’m fed up with teachers coming and going here, so I’ll give you driving lessons myself.”
“Are you going to get angry at me again?”
I heard people often have fights during driving lessons, but since it’s impossible for me to quarrel with him, it would be him unilaterally getting angry. He wouldn’t yell at me for my poor driving, but he wouldn’t overlook it without pointing it out.
“Do you want to go to university that badly?”
I wondered if he thought I was complying because I was afraid he wouldn’t let me go to university?
“I don’t feel good when you’re angry, Director.”
I was following his words not because I feared I wouldn’t be able to attend university. Not that I would be okay with not attending, however, the reason for my action wasn’t because of going to university. Just as his eccentric actions were all because of me, many of my actions were because of him.
“No one wants to be hated by someone they love.”
There was no response, and the silence returned.
As our conflict seemed to resolve, the silence no longer made me feel uncomfortable. His mind had relaxed and he embraced me again, and I quietly shared my hesitant confession. Finally, the drowsiness finally began to overtake me. And just as I was about to drift off.
“You really toy with people.”
I felt his breath. My shoulders flinched as his lips brushed against my neck and then pulled away.
“Do you hate being confined by me?”
His whispering lips tickled my neck. Sleep was flying away from me.
To answer his question, I had never once considered trying to escape his grasp. He always assured me that his feelings for me would never change, but I had thought that it was inevitable that he would grow tired of me. However, I had never once considered the possibility that I might be the one to have a change of feelings first.
“If I say I don’t want that, will you not do it?”
As I asked this disingenuous question, I carefully reached for his hand. I intertwined his fingers with mine. As I watched his hand tightening the grip at my affectionate prodding, in an instant, he shifted his position, his body now heavily pressing down on me. He kissed my neck again before pulling away to look into my eyes. Even in the darkness, his face was so clearly visible, and I always marvelled at it every time, never gett tired of it. His lips parted, the corners of his mouth lifted slightly.
“When you confessed your love for me, you should have been prepared for this.”
His confidence that I couldn’t possibly dislike him wasn’t something he learned—it was his innate arrogance. His blatant display of it made me chuckle, but my smile gradually faded. The gaze in his eyes, looking down at me, was so deep that I couldn’t take them lightly. The hand I held was warm, almost hot. A thought crossed my mind, and I slowly moved my hand, gently tickling the back of his hand with my fingertips as I whispered.
“Thank you for the gift.”
As soon as I said that, the buttons on my pajamas came undone, and the cool air rushed in. He moved his hand that wasn’t intertwined with mine, his face impossibly composed for someone who was disheveling my clothes.
“I’m turning twenty and getting a car. Who knew living a long life could turn this way.”
I had gotten used to the natural flow of this moment, my body no longer stiffened but I couldn’t help still feeling nervous. My words were uncharacteristically long due to the nervousness. As my voice slurred, gradually losing composure under his touch, he leaned down slowly. His lips pressed gently against mine and then parted slightly. He lifted the hand that had been fumbling with my clothes to gently brush my cheek. His eyes, filled with affection, held my gaze for a long time, making me feel assured of his love. Finally, he spoke slowly.
“Live a long life, Yewoon.”
“……”
“It will take a long time for me to give you everything.”
For a moment, I couldn’t even blink. When I understood his words, I suddenly felt like my tears were about to fall.
It was a relief that he wasn’t a rational person. If he had been, I wouldn’t have this happiness at this moment. Overwhelmed with that thought, I hugged him tightly.
The difficulty in our communication due to our different understanding was only a luxury.
It was a night where I was grateful that he was my luxury.
***
Make me feel happy and supported by leaving a comment!
