The delayed movie was destined to be even more delayed due to the heavy rain, but He Jian Shan didn’t mind.
The winter rain was chilly. Once the wind blew, it could seep right through clothes and into the bones. Outside, He Jian Shan was so eager that he felt nothing, but now, as he calmed down and followed Lin Hui to his house, the cold that hit him as soon as the door opened made him sneeze uncontrollably. Lin Hui quickly turned on the lights, and without even changing his shoes, he rushed to fetch a towel for He Jian Shan: “I’ve turned on the heater, hurry and dry your hair and body so you don’t catch a cold.”
Under the bright lights, He Jian Shan saw that Lin Hui’s clothes were also speckled with water droplets, his hair partly wet. He helplessly threw the towel over Lin Hui’s head and started wiping him down. Lin Hui was startled and tried to stop him, but the moment his fingertips touched He Jian Shan’s hand, he withdrew them quickly as if shocked.
Only the sound of rustling from the towel wiping persisted, filled with a quiet, tender gentleness.
After a while, He Jian Shan spoke, “Alright.”
Lin Hui nodded absent-mindedly, coughed lightly, and led He Jian Shan to the living room. He poured a glass of water for He Jian Shan and casually asked, “Have you had dinner?”
He Jian Shan shook his head.
Lin Hui was speechless: “Even if airline food is bad, you should’ve eaten something to fill your stomach.” Saying this, he walked into the kitchen, opened the fridge to check, and then looked at He Jian Shan, “I have pork rib soup and rice at home. I’ll stir-fry a dish for you. Let’s have dinner first?”
He Jian Shan nodded, “Okay.”
Seeing his agreement, Lin Hui swiftly donned an apron, took out tomatoes and eggs, while He Jian Shan leaned against the kitchen doorway, watching him intently. Lin Hui felt his gaze, paused his actions, and said softly, feeling a bit awkward, “Stop staring. Go sit on the sofa and rest. I’ll call you when it’s ready.”
He Jian Shan thought for a moment, “Can I take a look around?”
“Sure. But do you need to? Standing at the doorway, you can see all the way to the back.” Lin Hui’s smile mixed with the sound of beating eggs, as if the sound also carried a scent of food. His words were modest—three bedrooms and a living room, with two bedrooms plus a study. Compared to He Jian Shan’s house, it indeed wasn’t big, but the layout was excellent, obviously spacious and bright even at night, more than enough for one person.
“The house and location are very nice, a good purchase,” commented He Jian Shan.
Lin Hui had already started slicing tomatoes, and while cutting, he laughed, “I had Li Feng Hai help me with this. You wouldn’t believe it, but on the day of the house handover, he even brought a worker with him, and they each took a small hammer, tapping around the corners. They were so picky that the sales consultant’s face turned green.”
He Jian Shan couldn’t help but laugh, “No one knows better than him.”
He Jian Shan casually turned around and found Lin Hui’s home was as cozy as he had imagined: large areas of natural wood-colored furniture, soft short-pile carpets, a chandelier overhead radiating warm light, carefully pruned green plants in the corners… Every corner of the arrangement showed the homeowner’s care and love. He slowly walked into the study and only upon entering did he notice that one whole wall was a bookshelf. They were divided into unevenly sized cubbies, holding a variety of books and ornaments. He Jian Shan casually pulled out a book, flipped through it, and put it back, then turned his gaze to other items in the cubbies—a set of somewhat aged stationery; a small globe; a completed LEGO airplane; a cubby alone held a botanical atlas; the ribbon tied around Lin Hui’s wrist before a trip was now tied around the neck of a wooden carved cat, becoming its bowtie, which He Jian Shan couldn’t help but take a picture of; and then—
He Jian Shan stopped walking. He furrowed his brows, unable to resist pulling it out.
—A fountain pen.
It was a classic model from the top fountain pen brand AS—“Muse”: an all-black lacquered barrel, only the cap was inlaid with a circle of tiny diamonds, like an elegant crown, or like stars in the night sky; combined with the red tip at the end of the clip and the silver nib, it immediately reminded one of a graceful young girl dancing, as if a goddess had descended.
This was the origin of “Muse”—the founder of AS happened to see a girl in a black tulle dress dancing in water and fell in love at first sight, thus he was inspired to design and create this model. He Jian Shan was so familiar with this pen because he owned an identical one, a birthday gift when he was ten years old, worth 49,500 yuan.
He Jian Shan felt puzzled. He had never heard that Lin Hui collected pens, and he didn’t seem like someone who would spend so much money on such an expensive pen. The only possibility was that it was a gift from someone else, but because of its name and origin, this pen was usually given between lovers or to express admiration to someone liked.
He Jian Shan examined the pen closely; not a speck of dust on it, brand new as if just taken out from a showcase, Lin Hui must cherish it dearly. Such a treasured gift, who could have given it? Before he could gather his thoughts, Lin Hui’s voice came from the other side, “President He, dinner is ready, come and eat.”
He Jian Shan responded, pressing down his curiosity, carefully placing the pen back in its place.
At the dining table, the steaming scrambled eggs with tomatoes and the fragrant pork rib soup whetted He Jian Shan’s appetite. Probably fearing he would feel awkward eating alone, Lin Hui also served himself a small half-bowl of rice, joining him. As they ate, they chatted—
“I saw many travel-related books in your study.”
Lin Hui nodded, “Cloud tourism, no time to go out, just enjoying others’ travel stories.”
He Jian Shan was curious, “What do you do on your days off?”
“Sleep, play with my phone.”
“…”
Lin Hui couldn’t help but laugh, “What, you don’t believe it? I told you I’m lazy.”
Perhaps because they were at home, Lin Hui seemed much more relaxed, and He Jian Shan laughed too, “After all, vacations are for resting, and sleeping is resting.”
Lin Hui glanced at him, “I thought you were going to say it’s not healthy.”
“Eating soup with rice should be avoided.”
“…Oh.”
“By the way,” Lin Hui remembered something and spoke again, “I invited young President He’s band to perform at our annual meeting, is that okay?”
“The word ‘our’ made He Jian Shan feel pleased, “You make the decisions.”
“According to young President He, President He Zhao doesn’t seem to like these things, I’m worried that when the time comes…”
“Don’t worry, I’ll handle it.”
As they talked, He Jian Shan couldn’t help but think of the pen in the study again. He hesitated for a long time but couldn’t help asking, “That shelf, I saw… there was a pen.”
Lin Hui froze for a moment, his expression becoming somewhat unnatural, “Oh, that…”
“Was it a gift from a friend?”
Lin Hui took a sip of water and nodded, “…kind of.”
He Jian Shan suddenly felt the tomatoes in his mouth tasted sour. He didn’t understand what this “kind of” meant, but he didn’t show it on his face, continuing to ask, “From an ex… friend?”
“…Cough cough…” Lin Hui suddenly choked, coughing violently.
He Jian Shan could see his evasion, but he didn’t want Lin Hui to feel uncomfortable. He enjoyed the comfortable atmosphere when chatting with Lin Hui and didn’t want to ruin it, moreover, whether it was an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, in his eyes, He Jian Shan, they didn’t count for much. Thinking this, he quickly changed the topic, swiftly moving on.
After dinner, Lin Hui cleaned up the dishes and when he came out, he saw He Jian Shan standing on the balcony, staring out the window, lost in thought. The rain outside hadn’t stopped yet; in the starless and moonless night, only the washed leaves shone, along with the lights spilling from the buildings not far away. Lin Hui didn’t know why, but suddenly, he just didn’t want to approach; he only wanted to stand inside and watch He Jian Shan’s back, wishing he could keep watching.
Perhaps it was a bit quieter around, He Jian Shan seemed to sense something, turned his head and smiled, “What’s up?”
Lin Hui shook his head, slowly walking to his side, “What are you looking at, President He?”
“Assistant Lin,” He Jian Shan didn’t answer his question but instead said, “Call me by my name, and stop saying ‘you’.”
Lin Hui paused, muttering, “But you still call me ‘Assistant Lin’?”
“That’s different.”
Lin Hui was just about to ask what was different when he suddenly realized something, and his ears turned red.
For a moment, neither spoke.
Lin Hui was actually quite confused. He had too many questions: like what did the bow tie tied around his wrist mean, and what did inviting him to the movies mean; he had many things he wanted to say, many things he couldn’t bring himself to say before and still couldn’t say now. He had liked He Jian Shan for too long, so long that when facing him, he could no longer find a trace of “courage” on himself: hesitant, indecisive, afraid that reaching for the moon would turn out to be a joyless endeavor.
But indeed, something was different between him and He Jian Shan, something had changed. That secret and ambiguous emotion, like a thread, entwined them, gently pulling at each other. Lin Hui didn’t know if this change was because of that accident, but it was enough to cause a huge storm in his heart—as if pressing the “PLAY” button in a game, everything had just started, and he was already lost.
The wind whistled through a gap in the window and left again.
Lin Hui spoke up, “I once saw a documentary, about a minority group I think, they worship the wind, the wind that’s blowing outside now. Every spring, the people there hold an event called ‘Running with the Wind,’ which is like an obstacle race running against the wind, from one side to the other, picking up various fruits and utensils along the way, symbolizing a year of abundance. They believe the whistling wind can blow away misfortune and bring good luck.”
Lin Hui looked down and laughed a bit, “You—do you like these natural phenomena? What season do you like, what weather?”
He Jian Shan turned to look at him.
For some reason, it was just a casual chat, but he couldn’t help but want to keep looking at Lin Hui: his eyebrows, his upturned lips, that patch of light on his shoulder… he was so mesmerized, he almost forgot to answer the question, “…I like… like… rain.”
“Rain? The kind of drizzling spring rain, or—” Lin Hui pointed outside, “this kind of rain?”
He Jian Shan still couldn’t bear to move his gaze, nodding, “Yes.”
Lin Hui was puzzled, “Why? Such heavy rain makes it inconvenient to travel, right?”
He waited a long time but didn’t get an answer from He Jian Shan.
The temperature from the heater had risen, even standing on the balcony, Lin Hui felt the dry warmth. He was about to go pour two cups of water when he suddenly felt his wrist grabbed by the person beside him. Lin Hui looked up in surprise into He Jian Shan’s eyes, finding them alarmingly bright.
He Jian Shan’s throat moved slightly, slowly pulling him in front of himself, reaching to caress his face, then gradually moving to his lips. His thumb kept rubbing Lin Hui’s lips, as if soothing, yet also as if restraining himself.
Lin Hui’s heartbeat pounded like drums, his eyelashes fluttering intensely.
He Jian Shan leaned in close, his familiar breath enveloping Lin Hui, their breaths beginning to intertwine.
“Is it okay?” He Jian Shan’s voice was intensely husky.
Lin Hui’s hands curled up tightly, and after a long while, he said, “…I don’t know.”
“Then—” He Jian Shan earnestly suggested, “Let’s blame it on the rainy day, shall we?”
Lin Hui couldn’t help but laugh, and He Jian Shan laughed too. They were so close, their laughter seemed like butterflies flapping their wings near their ears.
A wave of sorrow surged in Lin Hui’s heart; he always felt like this was a dream, a familiar yet repeated scenario from countless nights. He stared motionlessly at He Jian Shan, his eyes reddening without him noticing. He asked in a very soft, very gentle voice, “Are you real?”
The He Jian Shan who invited him to the movies, the He Jian Shan who wanted to kiss him, the He Jian Shan standing here now, were they real? Lin Hui felt doubtful.
He Jian Shan’s heart felt like it was suddenly pricked by a needle, a sharp pain that made him stop his movements. He didn’t understand why Lin Hui would have such a doubt, he had never felt this before: no one had ever told him that among the thousand and one emotions of love, there would also be pain that made one want to cry.
He wanted an answer. He Jian Shan wanted.
This evening, he had dodged two questions, but now, he wanted to answer them.
“Assistant Lin,” He Jian Shan spoke, slowly closing his eyes then quickly opening them again, “you asked me what I was looking at, I’m looking at your shadow; you asked me why I like heavy rain, because our first meeting was also in such heavy rain; you asked me if I am real, I can only say—”
He Jian Shan paused, carefully looking at the person in front of him, the light flowing in his eyes, “I—”
Lin Hui’s body began to tremble, his eyes reddening as he stared intently at the person in front of him.
“—have fallen in love.”
He Jian Shan lowered his head and kissed him.
Author’s Note:
There are many songs about unrequited love, but if I had to choose one for Lin Hui, it would be Faye Wong’s “Reserved”. After this chapter, Lin Hui can finally say goodbye to this song.
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