“So, even now, you still haven’t told him how long you’ve actually liked him?”
The end of the year is always a busy time, but for the couple Luo Ting and Gu Wenli, it ironically meant a bit of extra time on their hands, primarily because their daughter Dou Dou was taken to their hometown by the grandparents. With some rare downtime, they invited Lin Hui over for dinner.
Dinner, however, turned into an interrogation. Luo Ting, upon learning that Lin Hui and He Jian Shan were really together, exclaimed so loudly over the phone it was nearly ear-piercing. If it weren’t for everyone being at work, he’d have poured himself a drink and set out peanuts, ready to listen to Lin Hui’s story for days. So, the moment his mother-in-law passed airport security with his daughter, he was quick to text Lin Hui: [Quick, dinner is set, Lili and I are eagerly waiting, we’re waiting for you]
Lin Hui: […You two already have a grown child, can’t you be a bit more dignified?]
Luo Ting: [Us middle-aged folks don’t need dignity; we need some juicy gossip to spice up life]
Lin Hui: […]
And so, Lin Hui came over to freeload a meal and gave them a full rundown of his relationship status with He Jian Shan. After a series of “awws” and “ohhs” from Luo Ting, he keenly sensed something amiss and asked, “So, even now, you still haven’t told him that you’ve actually liked him for a long time?”
“Why should I?” Lin Hui peeled an orange, staying silent.
After a while, he added, “I don’t see the need. Whether it’s been 3 years, 5 years, or 8 years, my crush was my own business, and it’s all in the past now. Bringing it up now feels odd, like I’m saying ‘Look how much I love you, aren’t you touched?’ I don’t want to use that to hold him hostage; let things take their natural course.”
Luo Ting got anxious, “How is that holding him hostage? And what’s so weird about it? Let me tell you, you’re being overly sentimental. You’re smart about everything else, just not about love—you should listen to me.”
Luo Ting began reasoning, “Remember the time I gave Lili a birthday gift? I made a handmade album, bound with thread, incredibly thick and labor-intensive, working until 2 AM. When I gave it to her, I acted nonchalant, but I had our eldest hint to Lili about how much effort I put in and how I stayed up late and even cut my hands. She was moved to tears—you need to play it smart like that!”
“Don’t talk nonsense.” Gu Wenli couldn’t help but knock Luo Ting on the head, pushing a bowl of washed grapes towards Lin Hui, “Lin Hui, don’t listen to his nonsense, have some grapes.”
“What nonsense am I talking? He’s dating He Jian Shan, not just any He Jian, it’s He Jian Shan!”
Gu Wenli shook her head at Luo Ting and turned to Lin Hui, “Lin Hui, Luo Ting may be blunt, but he’s not wrong. Even though you two are together now, I always feel like you’re overthinking it. Do you know what your attitude reminds me of?”
Luo Ting and Lin Hui turned to look at Gu Wenli.
“When Luo Ting and I started working, we often met up at the central mall. There was a big display window next to the south entrance showcasing Louis Vuitton. I used to stare at a handbag there; I really loved it, wanted it so badly, but I couldn’t afford it. Later, Luo Ting saved up for months and bought that bag for me as a gift.”
“When I received that bag, I was overjoyed. I must have taken hundreds of photos from every angle. I cherished that bag so much, I hardly used it unless there was a special occasion; I even bought a matching dress and shoes for it.”
“In reality, it was just a bag. But because of its hefty price, I never saw it as just a regular bag, barely even using it for its intended purpose.”
“I think He Jian Shan is like that bag to you. He’s the luxury item in the display window, something you’ve longed for in your dreams, but now that he’s actually in your arms, you find him too precious to use, and you can’t help but handle him with care, even if you don’t want to.”
Lin Hui opened his mouth to speak.
“Don’t argue, Lin Hui,” sighed Gu Wenli. “I even think that maybe you don’t want to tell He Jian Shan you’ve liked him for a long time because you hope that if you ever break up, you can keep a bit of your dignity.”
Luo Ting looked at Lin Hui in surprise, “Really? You just started dating?”
Lin Hui set down his orange. “I’ve never thought about us breaking up, but I also dare not expect too much. When you first started dating, you dreamed about the future, planning in which city to live, what kind of house to buy, how to decorate, even naming your children. But it’s different for us. Not to mention we’re past the age of dreaming, just the fact that we’re both men is enough to draw attention. When I was secretly in love, I didn’t have to worry about anything. Now that we’re together, I can’t ignore these issues. He’s not like me; he has too many people, responsibilities, and burdens behind him. And I think things are fine as they are now.”
“Besides, you say I treat him like a luxury item, but isn’t he also playing the role of the perfect lover?”
Luo Ting and Gu Wenli exchanged glances.
“It’s not quite right to say he’s playing a role; he is the perfect lover, able to do everything to the best of his ability. But perfection takes a lot of effort to maintain.”
Luo Ting frowned. “Wait, what’s wrong with being a perfect lover? You’re too picky.”
Lin Hui smiled. “That’s just his personality; if he can score 100, he wouldn’t settle for 99. He’s used to it. It’s fine in work where striving for perfection is beneficial, but love isn’t work. I don’t want him to worry about work and then have to put so much effort into our relationship or me. I don’t want him to be so tired.”
“Have you ever asked him? Have you ever told him your thoughts?” Gu Wenli furrowed her brow. “I feel that in a way, He Jian Shan might also lack a sense of security. Before he focused on work, now he’ll focus on you?”
“Our dating life isn’t quite like others’, missing some steps, he always feels he’s shortchanging me. You know what he tells me—‘What others have, you should have too.’ I asked him who these ‘others’ were,” Lin Hui suddenly chuckled, “he said, people in TV dramas.”
“But, people in TV dramas aren’t Lin Hui, nor are they He Jian Shan. We’re different from others. If I start talking about my unrequited love, wouldn’t he feel even more indebted? That’s exactly why I don’t want to say it, I don’t want to turn love into his responsibility, and eventually into a burden. You think I’m being overly sensitive, then let me be. More than loving me, I hope he learns not to be so hard on himself, to love himself, to love the world.”
If Lin Hui had to pinpoint what initially attracted him to He Jian Shan, it would definitely be loneliness.
In this world, some people love animals, others collect cups, some are addicted to online games, others relieve stress through travel… different people, different emotional needs, drawing happiness and sustenance from various things. But He Jian Shan seemed to have nothing but his work.
Or so it seemed.
Countless days and nights, whenever he saw He Jian Shan busy at work anywhere, that profound loneliness, like a deep chasm, simultaneously cutting him off from the world and irresistibly drawing Lin Hui closer, uncontrollably.
Gu Wenli shook her head, somewhat disagreeing, “Lin Hui, how can love be a burden? Have you ever thought that you are part of this world too, loving you and loving the world aren’t contradictory. Love isn’t a solo act, you’re too independent, or should I say you’ve been his work partner for too long and haven’t completely transitioned from that role. You need to let him know that you need him, it’s not needing him that would actually burden him. I find your relationship interesting; both of you are so eager to give each other the best dating experience that you neglect the essence.”
At this, Gu Wenli suddenly smiled, “Speaking of which, love does influence each other. I actually think he’s already changing because of you, different from the He Jian Shan you used to describe.”
Lin Hui was stunned.
Luo Ting nodded repeatedly, “My wife is right. Hui, I’ll lay it out harshly today. You don’t have family pressure, you’ve got nothing to lose, what are you afraid of? Stop worrying about what He Jian Shan will do, think about yourself, OK? Are you trying to be a model citizen? Is the government going to give you an award? Get moving, bro! Last time you told me about that delicious bread, tell He Jian Shan to buy it for you. Buy the whole store!”
Lin Hui couldn’t help but laugh, “Yes, yes, I get it.”
“Don’t laugh. At the very least, first meet with me, I’m your best friend in Jinghua. Invite him, just say we want to invite you both over.”
Lin Hui didn’t even think to refuse, “Can’t do it.”
“Why not? You haven’t even asked him. What, do you look down on us poor friends?” Gu Wenli feigned dissatisfaction.
“You know that’s not what I mean.”
“Yes, you just subconsciously think he’s not suitable for such casual, trivial friend gatherings. We’re not familiar with him, we usually don’t share the same interests, it might become very awkward, and that’s also a kind of burden.”
Lin Hui was left speechless by Gu Wenli, turning to Luo Ting helplessly, “Your wife shouldn’t be teaching math, she should teach psychology.”
Luo Ting burst into laughter, “You’re too caught up in the middle of it. I just love seeing you smart people acting dumb, hahaha.”
Whether he was too caught up, Lin Hui wasn’t sure. He had thought about confessing his deep feelings to He Jian Shan during their intimate moments. But it seemed some things, once the perfect moment was missed, really did become difficult to express. He Jian Shan was great, perfect, able to do everything to the best of his ability, and the more he was like this, the more Lin Hui worried that such finely tuned, passionate love might continuously consume his enthusiasm. The transition from superiors to lovers brought subtle changes to both their work and personal lives, and these changes might make He Jian Shan feel burdened. If one day, he felt tired and didn’t want to continue, how could Lin Hui gracefully exit from such deep affection?
How could there be such a complicated thing as love in this world, desire, embarrassment, longing; contradiction, worry, fear… Love came with so many side effects, like sweet traps, and as Lin Hui indulged himself in falling deeper, he couldn’t help but be constantly on edge.
That evening, back at home, He Jian Shan was working in the study. These days he had been staying at Lin Hui’s place, and the study was now completely taken over by his documents. Lin Hui had thought that maybe being together every day wasn’t too good, considering making him go home. But He Jian Shan, remembering Lin Hui’s words about not being used to dating, insisted they couldn’t be apart, needed to increase their time together to get accustomed. Did that make sense? Lin Hui didn’t know, but every time He Jian Shan kissed him, he forgot everything else.
Over the past many years, Lin Hui had always been solitary, never feeling anything amiss. But now, his home slowly filled with another person’s belongings: clothes, watches, keys, he even found He Jian Shan’s tie under the sofa rug; they used the same brand of body wash and shaving cream, He Jian Shan, who didn’t like scented products, now eagerly chose various fragrances; He Jian Shan held him every night as they slept, then kissed him awake in the mornings…
From simplicity to luxury is easy, from luxury to simplicity is hard. Once he got used to another person’s warmth, he could never go back. He really loved He Jian Shan too much, despite many lingering concerns, nothing could stop his greed and craving for the feeling of being loved by He Jian Shan. Such direct, fervent love brought uncontrollable joy and happiness.
Gu Wenli and Luo Ting were right, he couldn’t always hang love high up, love wasn’t the moonlight above, just to be admired from afar. He had obtained him, and he wanted to keep him forever.
Thinking this, Lin Hui knocked on the door and walked in. Upon seeing him, He Jian Shan smiled and stretched out his hand, Lin Hui instinctively took it and moved beside him. He glanced at the stack of contracts on the table, hesitated for a moment, and then spoke up:
“Do you… have some time lately? There’s this good friend of mine from university, we shared a dorm, and he’s also in Jinghua, oh, he’s married, his wife and I are also close, they have a cute daughter named Dou Dou; lately their daughter isn’t around, so they’re pretty free…” Lin Hui meandered around, finally getting to the point, “…they want to invite us over.”
He Jian Shan raised an eyebrow.
Before He Jian Shan could respond, Lin Hui quickly added, “Oh, if you don’t want to go, it’s okay, really, it’s busy at the end of the year, maybe next time we—”
“I want to go.”
Lin Hui paused.
He Jian Shan’s face softened with a smile, “I’d like to meet your friends with you.”
“Cough… when are you free then, I’ll let them know?”
“My time is always yours to arrange.”
“Alright.” Lin Hui said, pulling out his phone, “It’s your first time going, I should check if we should bring a gift—”
He Jian Shan snatched his phone away, “No.”
“Huh?”
He Jian Shan seriously said, “This is an invitation from my boyfriend’s good friend, I should personally prepare a gift, I can’t let my assistant do it.”
Lin Hui held back a smile, “President He, what if your boyfriend doesn’t like the gift you pick…”
He Jian Shan sighed, “Then I’ll have to make it up in other ways.”
“Such as?”
“Such as—”
He Jian Shan pushed the documents aside, then lifted Lin Hui onto the desk. Lin Hui leaned down slightly, his hands cradling He Jian Shan’s face, and they exchanged a prolonged kiss. When they finally parted, both breathless, their eyes alight with desire, Lin Hui whispered into He Jian Shan’s ear.
“President He, maybe you should compensate first.”
Author’s note:
Love breeds worries and fears.
