After his last illness, it took him nearly half a year to regain some of his healthy complexion, but now it had all disappeared.
Even though he didn’t speak, Qiao Yue could feel his current emotions. He couldn’t help but sigh and said to Shen Muchuan, “Is it nighttime now? If you’re tired, you can go to sleep. You don’t have to stay with me.”
Shen Muchuan slightly sat up, adjusted his pillow to make it higher, and whispered, “It’s just turned dark.”
“I just woke up. I’m not sleepy… How about you? You’ve been sleeping all day. How do you feel now?”
Qiao Yue’s gaze fell in the direction of his voice, blinked a few times, and spoke with some difficulty, “I’m okay, just a bit tired…”
Shen Muchuan’s heart felt heavy, as if a drop of thick ink had just fallen into clear water, rapidly spreading. He used to be afraid of worrying others, so he would endure any discomfort silently… But the way he said it now indicated that it was probably much more than that.
“If you’re tired, you can sleep a little longer, and I’ll wake you up later…”
But Qiao Yue shook his head. “I won’t sleep anymore. I’ve slept for a long time. I just want to hear you talk for a while.”
Shen Muchuan had been looking at him without even blinking. When he heard Qiao Yue’s request, he nodded and said, “Okay.”
“Then… What do you want to hear? About what I want to do in the future…”
In the future…
The three words “in the future” were something Shen Muchuan couldn’t even dare to think about. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like if he were the only one left for the rest of his life.
Shen Muchuan didn’t want his emotions to affect Qiao Yue, so he spoke lightly, saying, “I can’t say for sure… I’m quite materialistic, always thinking about making more money while I’m still young. Otherwise, when I get old, you’ll have to endure hardships with me.”
“But when it comes to what I really want to do, I don’t really know.”
However, after saying this, Shen Muchuan noticed that Qiao Yue was staring at him intently. Under the white light above their heads, it seemed like there were glistening tears in his eyes.
Seeing Qiao Yue’s troubled expression, Shen Muchuan’s heart trembled, and he asked anxiously, “What’s wrong? Are you feeling unwell somewhere?”
Qiao Yue remained silent, slowly shaking his head. Hot tears rolled down from the corner of his eyes. With a voice that sounded strained and unstable, he said, “I’m sorry…”
Shen Muchuan had never seen him cry before, even though he had lost his sight and endured the torment of illness. He had always accepted everything calmly, never like this moment.
“Why are you apologizing?” Shen Muchuan hurriedly wiped away his tears, feeling both helpless and heartbroken. He said, “Why do you always like to apologize to me… Please don’t say sorry anymore in the future, okay?”
Qiao Yue closed his eyes and let out a soft sigh, saying, “Okay.”
…
As his condition deteriorated, the hospital moved Qiao Yue to a regular ward. Even though Shen Muchuan had prepared for all of this in advance, he only truly felt a helpless fear as the footsteps of death drew nearer.
Qiao Yue spent most of his time in a semi-conscious state. Sometimes Shen Muchuan would talk to him, and he would listen for a moment, only to drift off to sleep the next. He had little appetite, hardly eating anything, and Shen Muchuan knew that several times, Qiao Yue had forced himself to eat just so he wouldn’t worry.
Watching him grow thinner each day, seeing the food he managed to eat come back up, and wondering if he would wake up the next day was a torturous experience for Shen Muchuan. It was like a blunt knife cutting into his heart. Yet, every time, he found the strength to go on, holding onto Qiao Yue’s hand as if he had boundless courage.
One night, Shen Muchuan was abruptly awakened by a strong palpitation, drenched in cold sweat. He sat up and checked the sky outside, finding it still pitch-black. The hospital’s companion ward was quiet, with only a faint rustle from the breeze brushing the hospital lawn outside.
At that moment, a disordered and hurried set of footsteps echoed in the corridor outside the ward. Shen Muchuan had a premonition of something and stood in place for a moment before dashing out of the room.
However, before he could enter Qiao Yue’s room, he saw doctors and nurses rushing out from the corridor outside, and Shen Muchuan subconsciously followed them. He was kept at a distance by a group of nurses and doctors until he watched Qiao Yue being wheeled into the emergency room.
The nurse extended her hand to block him and said, “I’m sorry, family members please wait outside.”
Shen Muchuan stared at her for a moment, as if he had just understood her words, and nodded, “Alright, I’ll wait for him outside…”
The young nurse looked at his pale face and let out a long sigh before turning and following into the emergency room.
The hallway lights were glaring, and Shen Muchuan leaned against the cold wall of the emergency room. As his nerves relaxed, his consciousness became sluggish and sticky. His heartbeat, strangely, slowed down considerably. In this quiet night, he could hear every beat as if they were echoing.
It was as if, faintly and vaguely, he could sense that something had silently reached its end.
Finally, with a sharp sound, the lights in the emergency room dimmed. This sound reverberated in the empty hallway.
The door opened, and a doctor walked out, removing his mask. He addressed Shen Muchuan, who was standing there dazedly, “The patient is still conscious. You can go in and talk to him.”
At this moment, Shen Muchuan surprisingly found himself strangely calm. He nodded calmly, but because he hadn’t spoken for so long, his first attempt to speak didn’t produce any sound. He felt his throat move up and down, then he cleared his throat and said, “Okay.”
The patient’s consciousness was extremely weak at this point, and all the medical equipment and ventilators had been removed from his body. However, when Shen Muchuan entered the room, the patient’s eyelids twitched, and after a long while, he slowly opened his eyes.
“You’re here.”
Shen Muchuan softly acknowledged with an “Mm-hmm” and then sat down beside his bed, reaching out to hold his hand resting on the sheets.
“Don’t be sad,” a faint curl formed in the fingers of the hand that he held, as if comforting him in silence.
Shen Muchuan looked at him and nodded emphatically, “Alright, I won’t be sad.”
A smile appeared on Qiao Yue’s face, and he continued, “In fact, these past two years, I’ve been really happy every day… even though I can’t see, I feel like these have been the most awake and yet happiest two years of my life…”
“I feel the same… I feel the same…” This sentence left Shen Muchuan in tears. He thought he could hold back, make this person leave without any worries.
Struggling, Qiao Yue raised his hand, as if to touch Shen Muchuan’s face. Shen Muchuan immediately grasped it and pressed it against his own cheek.
Using the back of his hand, Qiao Yue gently wiped away his tears, but more tears welled up. Finally, he sighed softly and said, “I want to see you one more time…”
Shen Muchuan nodded, struggling, “Alright…” He held Qiao Yue’s hand and traced it along his brow, his eyelids, his nose, his lips, all the way down.
“Feels so good…” Qiao Yue said, and then slowly closed his eyes.
At the same time, the ECG monitor flickered, and a straight line was drawn…
*
The funeral over, Shen Muchuan returned home. Since Qiao Yue had lost his sight, unnecessary furniture had been removed from the house. The living room was empty, and as he walked through, it seemed to echo with a chilling silence.
He cooked some porridge in the kitchen, serving two bowls, but he sat at the dining table for a while. It wasn’t until the porridge had cooled down that he got up and went to the bedroom.
Everywhere bore traces of Qiao Yue’s life. Shen Muchuan went over to the wardrobe and took down Qiao Yue’s coat, hanging it inside.
However, as he shook the coat, a letter fell out. Shen Muchuan’s heart trembled, and he picked it up, staring at it for a long time, unable to bring himself to open it.
Finally, he closed his eyes, then opened them slowly, and with trembling hands, he opened the letter.
The handwriting was so clear and neat that it hardly seemed like something written by a blind person. Even the spacing between each word was meticulously uniform…
“Muchuan, I hesitated for a long time, uncertain whether I should tell you these words, but after thinking it over, I decided I want you to see them.
I realize I’ve been selfish, leaving you to face all of this alone once again.
As early as two years ago, I knew that I might not be able to accompany you for the rest of our lives… I’ve thought countless times about what you would do if I were gone, but no matter how much I thought about it, I couldn’t come up with an answer. I had hoped that I could spend the first year with you, thinking there would be a second, a third, maybe even ten or twenty more years together.
I was even greedy, wanting to be a part of each year of your remaining life, but I never expected this day to come so quickly.
I have so much to say, to save for the thirty-year-old you, the forty-year-old you, the fifty-year-old you, the sixty-year-old you, and the seventy-year-old you… I don’t know if you’ll want to read them when the time comes…
What I feared the most was whether you would truly forget me if I were gone. But later, I sincerely hoped that you would forget me, that you could find happiness in the days when I’m not there.”
After reading the letter, Shen Muchuan suddenly rushed to open drawers and cabinets, finally finding a cardboard box under the bookshelf.
Inside were nearly a hundred letters, from the age of thirty to one hundred, with one for each birthday and Chinese New Year…
Shen Muchuan picked up the letter for his thirtieth birthday, and with a snap, tears fell onto the envelope, quickly smudging the black ink.
“How can I go on without you for the rest of my life?”
“Why are you so cruel? You knew I couldn’t do it…”
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