DPPM Chapter 77 – See You

|| “I just want to see you when the flowers bloom once more.”

CW: emotional abuse, depression, suicidal thoughts/ideation. 

Song Minghai did not like this ending.

That’s why Song Yan failed to eat the big cake that Kong Xiaoxiao and the others bought for him. That’s why Song Minghai forced him to leave No. 3 Middle School immediately.

It was a shock that day.

It should be the good season when spring thunder begins to rumble and all seedlings start to sprout.

It started the longest barren summer in Song Yan’s life.

Things were far less optimistic than what he and Xia Zhiye had said to each other.

In order to prevent him from contacting Xia Zhiye again, Song Minghai confiscated his mobile phone, strictly restricted all sources of income, and even the computer at home was disconnected from the Internet.

To avoid him contacting Xia Zhiye through Shen Jiayan or other former classmates and friends, on the second day after arriving in Beijing, he was sent to another strictly boarding private school where bringing any electronic communication devices was absolutely prohibited. There, he didn’t know anyone, not even a person he could talk to, only utterly unfamiliar surroundings.

He was only allowed to go home for two days each month. The driver arrived promptly at the school gate for pick-up and drop-off, without giving him any chance to visit any other place or see anyone.

Even if he just bought an extra cup of milk tea with Song Minghai’s credit card, he would be strictly questioned.

On the day before he was sent to the boarding school, he overheard a heated argument between Tan Qing and Song Minghai. They smashed several expensive porcelain pieces, creating a loud and chaotic scene with debris scattered all over the place.

Song Yan knew why they quarreled, and also knew that Tan Qing did not win in the end.

He watched Tan Qing sitting alone in the living room, wiping her tears incessantly. He took out the first aid kit, approached her, sat down beside her, and lowered his head to bandage the cuts on her hands caused by the broken porcelain pieces. “I’m sorry.” 

Tan Qing could divorce Song Minghai earlier.

But once divorced, she would inevitably not be able to compete with Song Minghai, the biological father, for custody of Song Yan. At that time, Song Yan would only have Song Minghai as a legal guardian, and then Song Minghai could do whatever he wanted without any constraints. No one knew what he would do.

So Tan Qing didn’t dare to divorce Song Minghai until Song Yan finished his college entrance examination.

These were the words Tan Qing never said, but Song Yan understood. 

Tan Qing held back her tears and touched his head, “It’s okay, it will be fine, we all can endure it a little longer.”

Endure a little longer, endure through this long summer and cold winter, and you will surely reunite when spring blooms again. 

Thanks to living in a highly technologically advanced society, when you miss someone deeply, there are always ways to express your longing to them.

Whenever the monthly holiday comes back, Tan Qing will always give Song Yan her mobile phone, so that he could video call Xia Zhiye for the whole day. 

Sometimes it feels like there are endless things to say, listening to the other person talk about the quirky and interesting things happening at school, then teasingly checking if any girls have secretly sent small gifts again.

Sometimes there’s no need for words. They just turn on the video, place it by their pillows, pretending they are still falling asleep together, without bringing up those heartbreaking topics.

And whenever one of them can’t sleep and suddenly opens their eyes, they always manage to inadvertently catch the other still-unshut eyes.

And then follows a long, silent gaze until one of them can’t bear it any longer, blushes, turns away, and all the pretense of peace finally shatters on its own, revealing the longing they’ve been trying so hard to conceal but couldn’t.

They miss each other, far more than could be quenched by two days per month video calls. 

So, the literary giant, Xia Zhiye, resorted to one of humanity’s oldest forms of communication — writing letters to Song Yan, and then sending them via express delivery services like SF Express.

The day he received Xia Zhiye’s first letter was the spring equinox.

Xia Zhiye wrote: [My beloved husband, Song Yan, as if meeting in person upon receiving this letter, I smile as I write this. The peach blossoms in No. 3 Middle have bloomed, and I miss you.]

The letter was nonsensical, trivial, lacking substance, and overly sentimental. 

Song Yan, sitting alone in the classroom as he opened the package, couldn’t help but laugh and curse under his breath.

The new classmate beside him was surprised, “Damn, Song Yan, you can laugh, ah?”

Song Yan looked up at him, paused with the letter in his hand, then lowered his head again and read the letter once more.

It turned out when he left the warm environment and Xia Zhiye, when he was thrown into this utterly unfamiliar new environment, he began to change back to his former gloomy appearance.

Not inclined to talk, aloof and solitary, with no one to confide in or trust, always sitting alone in the corner of the classroom, burying oneself in studies or practicing problems, showing little interest in anything else.

Sometimes even studying in the bathroom with a flashlight until 3 or 4 AM, then appearing alone in the classroom for self-study at precisely 6:50. 

The new roommate found it unbelievable. “Song Yan, don’t you ever sleep?”

Song Yan replied, “Mn, I don’t like to sleep.”

–But the truth is, he doesn’t don’t like to sleep. He couldn’t sleep. 

He didn’t tell anyone, including Xia Zhiye, that he had severe insomnia again.

At first, the sleep aid was enough. Drinking one pill was enough. But soon, he began to drink two pills, and even three pills when he’s desperate. Yet, it was still useless. 

Whenever he closed his eyes, he felt like he was standing on the edge of a pitch-black cliff, with no way forward or backward. Behind him, endless loneliness and despair chased to engulf him. At times, he wondered if he should just jump off the cliff and be done with it.

The first time this thought resurfaced, Song Yan abruptly sat up in bed, feeling it was a precursor to a recurrence of depression.

But he couldn’t relapse. He had promised Xia Zhiye to wait for him patiently. So he sat up, took out that awkward and insincere letter, and read it over and over again, word by word. Eventually, he came to the realization that he didn’t want to.

Because he has not seen the peach blossoms in the backyard of Nanwu No. 3 Middle. 

In his reply letter, he wrote: [Show me next year.]

Since then, Song Yan would receive express delivery from the school guard almost every day.

Sometimes the letter was very short, just a sentence like [I miss you.]

Sometimes the letter was very long, and it told many interesting things. 

One letter after another filled an entire box. Xia Zhiye said these were love testimonies that surpassed WeChat messages, phone calls, and video chats. He said they would bring out the most romantic and touching love story when they grew old and looked back on them.

Song Yan felt that Xia Zhiye was really optimistic.

He bet that after a few years, Xia Zhiye would despise how sappy he was at this time.

However, these letters, delivered to his hands every day as a substitute for electronic communication, were indeed the greatest comfort during his long and lonely days.

He learned that Little Fatty started losing weight, Little Mahjong grew taller, Zhao Ruiwen started pursuing Kong Xiaoxiao, Ruan Tian got married to her boyfriend, and Zhou Ziqiu successfully bent himself for Shen Jiayan. 

And at times, they would be reminded of Song Yan, and then sigh, “I don’t know how Yan-ge is doing now.”

Song Yan told them that he was doing well.

Until the summer vacation, when he was sent by Song Minghai to a completely closed college entrance examination training camp, where he lost all contact with the outside world for over a month. It wasn’t until the last week of August that he finally fell ill.

The illness came without warning, raging on relentlessly. He had a persistent low-grade fever that wouldn’t go away, accompanied by vomiting and diarrhea during the day and night sweats and nightmares at night. He couldn’t eat anything and couldn’t sleep no matter how hard he tried. The illness lasted for many days, and the already thin young man became even thinner, almost just skin and bones.

The doctor said that this was all caused by psychological reasons.

Finally, Song Minghai relented and Tan Qing was allowed to take care of him. However, he was still not permitted to contact Xia Zhiye. Song Minghai gave strict instructions to the nurses and doctors in the ward, prohibiting any non-relatives from visiting him. Then, in a hurry, he went back to deal with the chaotic matters of the mall¹his company’s project.

When Tan Qing appeared in the hospital room with Song Lele, the sight of Song Yan lying on the bed made both of them tear up instantly.

Song Lele rushed over and hugged Song Yan tightly, crying out, “Sob sob sob, Gege, don’t be sick, please get better soon. Is Gege sick because he can’t see Xia-gege? I brought Song Xiaoxi to see Gege. Will Gege get better?”

Tan Qing, with red eyes, placed the small sago palm tree on the bedside table of the sickbed and said, “Children understand everything and nothing at the same time. He said Xia-gege told him that as long as you make a wish to the divine tree, Xia-gege will appear soon. I’ll step out for a moment.”

Tan Qing probably didn’t want her child to see her losing her composure. She choked up halfway through her words, turned around, and quickly walked out of the hospital room, intending to compose herself and not cry. 

And Song Lele, at an age where emotions are hard to hide, laid on top of Song Yan, tears and snot smearing him all over, crying uncontrollably, “Gege, they say you got sick because you’re too unhappy, but why are you unhappy? Is it because you can’t see Xia-gege? Then, please make a wish to the divine tree, okay? If you make a wish, Xia-gege will appear.”

Song Yan rubbed Song Lele’s head with the hand that had already pierced several times for IV drips, and said hoarsely, “Gege  can’t make a wish.”

“Why?”

Song Lele didn’t understand.

Song Yan smiled and said, “Because I can’t let you think that Xia-gege doesn’t keep his promises.”

There was no divine tree in this world, just a big liar who told white lies to children. 

The big liar is now also confined by his family, with restricted financial resources. Even Xia Yu has been ordered not to help him. Even if he knows he’s sick, besides futile worry, what else can he do?

But Xia Zhiye promised himself that he would do what he said.

So he couldn’t let him break his promise. 

He must… hold on a little longer.

“Gege is tired, I want to sleep for a while, can you play by yourself?” Song Yan was indeed extremely tired, and just wanted to close his eyes for a while.

Song Lele nodded obediently, then picked up Song Xiaoxi and secretly left the room, hiding in a corner of the corridor. Squatting down, he looked at the small sago palm tree, remembering what Xia Zhiye had once told her, “If our sincerity is enough, maybe it will come true.” He tightly pressed his lips together.

Although he wasn’t the top student with outstanding grades, he wasn’t dumb either. He knew that a small sago palm tree couldn’t possibly bring back Xia-gege. So, he took out his smartwatch, the one Xia Zhiye had his number stored in, and dialed it.

“Hello, divine tree? My Gege is sick, and I want to make a wish for him. I have a lot of sincerity because my Gege is feeling really, really bad.”

When Xia Zhiye received a call from Song Lele, he was currently studying and doing mock exams. 

He has always been a smart but lazy person. Because he could do things better than others without much effort, he always just muddled through, casual and indifferent. He never thought he had to compete for anything in exam results.

But when he decided to take care of Song Yan for a lifetime, when the day came for Song Yan to leave Nanwu, he decided that he needed to work even harder, because only with enough effort, becoming strong and excellent enough, could he protect everything he cared about.

He never played games again, never slept in class again, and almost all of his time, apart from eating and sleeping, was spent writing letters to Song Yan and studying.

This was a good sign for the elders – that is, if it wasn’t for Xia Zhiye becoming more and more silent at home.

And it seemed that Elder Xia rarely returned home during the summer vacation, perhaps feeling guilty towards his grandson.

Only Xia Yu remained, ordered by Elder Xia to supervise Xia Zhiye, not to give him any money, and not to help him see Song Yan, while also feeling sorry for his naive younger brother.

Sitting in the living room, Xia Yu watched Xia Zhiye bury himself in his studies through the corner glass, listened to the thunder and pouring rain outside, and sighed softly while holding a cup of coffee.

However, before she could finish sighing, Xia Zhiye answered a phone call, hastily packed a backpack, slung it over one shoulder, and quickly walked up to her. “Jie, I’m going out for a while.” 

Xia Yu: “?”

“Song Yan is sick, very, very sick. I have to see him.”

“No, you can’t. If Grandpa finds out, not only you, but also your brother-in-law and I will be punished. You know that…” 

“Jie, I beg you.”

From childhood to adulthood, Xia Zhiye has been like a proud child of heaven, a figure surrounded by stars. When has he ever said such words?

Xia Yu sat on the sofa, holding a cup of coffee, and looked up at the young man who had suddenly grown so tall and sturdy. She opened her mouth, but in the end, she could only sigh softly, “What’s the use of you going? Do you think you can see him just because you go? His father isn’t as easy to persuade as our family, and even his stepmother only met him today.”

Xia Zhiye clenched the strap of the schoolbag on his shoulder. “You already knew about it?” 

“I just heard from Tan-jie. She said non-relatives are not allowed to visit. It’s pouring rain in Nanwu and Beijing. If you go, it’ll be a wasted trip. And when you come back, Grandpa will punish you. Why bother? Just make a video call. It’s the same, isn’t it?”

“Not the same.”

“Why is it different?”

“Because I promised him I’d keep my word.”

After he finished speaking, he picked up the umbrella at the entrance, turned around and walked into the summer rainstorm.

He only had 400 yuan on him, not enough to buy a ticket from Nanwu to Beijing, but enough to buy a ticket for the green train to Beijing.

He told Song Lele that because this was a wish relayed by Song Lele, the gods needed an extra day to process it. Before that, he had to keep it a secret, accompany his brother well, and make sure his brother ate well. This way, when his brother woke up after a good sleep, he would see the biggest surprise.

So in the early morning, when the thunderstorm still rages, Song Yan was awakened by Song Lele from his endless sleepiness and exhaustion.

Song Lele held a bottle containing branches, excitement evident in his eyes. “Gege, Gege, the osmanthus flowers are blooming. Smell them, they smell so good.”

Song Yan looked at the tiny cream-colored dots scattered among the leaves, suddenly realizing that it was the end of summer again, the season when osmanthus blooms.

It’s just unclear whether this year, in the Wine Alley, there could still be young people meeting amidst the fragrance of osmanthus.

He touched the osmanthus with his fingertips: “Mn, it smells really good.” 

Song Lele held the flowers and blinked. “There are a lot of sweet-scented osmanthus flowers downstairs in the hospital, all over the floor! Gege, do you want to go down and have a look?”

Song Yan rubbed eyebrows. “Gege… is still tired. I won’t go.” 

Song Lele was insistent. “Aiyah, Gege, let’s just go, okay?” 

Song Lele has never been someone who behaves immaturely and acts willfully.

He’s probably behaving like this now just to cheer Song Yan up.

Song Yan didn’t want to break a child’s heart. 

Thinking of this, Song Yan reluctantly patted Song Lele’s head and put on a coat over his hospital gown. “Let’s go, I want to see how good it smells.” 

“It smells very good. So good it makes you want to cry.” 

Song Lele happily took Song Yan’s arm and took him downstairs when the nurse on duty was not paying attention.

Song Yan didn’t really expect much.

He has seen the best sweet-scented osmanthus in Wine Alley. The sweet-scented osmanthus there was so good.

And as he followed Song Lele downstairs, the little boy let go of his hand and ran off excitedly, and he didn’t bother to keep track of him. He stood by the window, watching the dim light outside and feeling the rain pouring down heavily. It felt like he was back in Nanwu.

It’s been exactly one year since he first met Xia Zhiye, but he didn’t know when the next meeting would be.

Maybe, in another year.

And he wondered if he would ever miss Xia Zhiye to the point of falling ill.

Thinking, he heard a familiar sound called, “Song Yan”.

Song Yan only thought was: ah, he’s losing his mind, he’s getting auditory hallucinations now. 

Then, he heard another call: “Song Daxi.” 

He froze for a moment, purely in disbelief.

However, the familiar and lazy voice behind him once again fell into his ears, “I received the wish conveyed by Song Xiaoxi, so I came to see you. Aren’t you going to accept it?”

Song Yan felt his fingertips curling involuntarily at his side, and his eyes seemed to well up with an inexplicable sourness. He thought he must have misheard, it couldn’t possibly be true. He decided to turn around and see for himself, he would surely find out.

He turned his head, not daring to hope. 

Then he saw Xia Zhiye standing outside the door, holding an umbrella, looking at him. He seemed weary and dusty, but still bent those extremely beautiful peach blossom eyes and smiled, saying, “What’s wrong, Yan-ge? We haven’t seen each other for only half a year, and you don’t recognize such a handsome boyfriend? Are you that ruthless and unscrupulous?” 

Loose, lazy, shameless, and full of nonsense.

Talking nonsense without any shame.

Except for Xia Zhiye, Song Yan did not know another person like that. 

Therefore, this hallucination must be the real Xia Zhiye. 

But he’s the damn ruthless and unscrupulous one.

Song Yan walked over, gritting his teeth, and delivered a fierce punch to Xia Zhiye. He did it again and again, until the corner of his eyes turned red and his wrist hurt. 

So he gave Xia Zhiye another fierce kick, but ended up hurting his own throat and feeling pain in his chest.

How come after not seeing each other for half a year, their Princess Yanyan still has such a bad temper?

Xia Zhiye chuckled, took Song Yan into his arms, buried his face in his shoulders. Pretending not to feel the dampness coming from the thin T-shirt fabric, he whispered, “Song Yan, I miss you so much.”

‘They all say that this trip is pointless, but I just want to see you when the flowers bloom once more.’

• 1
  his company’s project