Chapter 23 – Thunder and Lightning
Novel Title: 一屋暗灯 (Ephemeral Light)
Author：麦香鸡呢 (McChicken)
Translator: K (@kin0monogatari)
Protagonists: 宋谨 (Song Jin -MC), 宋星阑 (Song Xinglan -ML)
*Please read at Novels Space.space, the original site of translation. TQ*
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⚠️*TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter contains depictions of child abuse and attempted suicide. Proceed with caution.
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Over the next few days, Song Xinglan seemed to be deliberately avoiding Song Jin. He no longer followed him around offering to help when he cooked, but instead went to sweep the yard. He would only come in to eat after Song Jin had finished cooking. During meals, he remained silent, quietly finishing his food, and then tidied up the bowls to wash them. Occasionally, he would ask Song Jin what vegetables he needed and then go out alone to pick them, although he always ended up picking the wrong ones.
Song Jin knew that his reaction that night had been too much. It created a shadow over Song Xinglan. He also understood that Song Xinglan was not angry because he had kicked him in the shoulder. He had simply become aware of his resistance and reluctance towards him. So he became more cautious and dared not approach him.
Who could he blame? Although the current Song Xinglan really didn’t remember anything, that didn’t mean that the shadows and obstacles in Song Jin’s heart would disappear as well. It was impossible.
After taking a shower at night, Song Jin saw Song Xinglan standing in front of the small room door as he came out of the bathroom. Grapefruit was rubbing against his leg. Song Xinglan lowered his head, wanting to touch it, but Song Jin didn’t allow him to touch the cat. So he could only look at it.
Hearing the door open, Song Xinglan turned his head and then awkwardly took a step to the side, away from the grapefruit. He said, “I- I didn’t touch the kitten.”
Song Jin didn’t say anything. He just dried his hair and walked towards his room. As he passed by Song Xinglan, he stopped and said, “leave your clothes here. I’ll wash them for you.”
Song Xinglan slightly widened his eyes and immediately refused, “No. I can wash them myself.”
“You won’t wash them clean. And you won’t wring them out thoroughly either,” Song Jin didn’t look at him. He just said, “Just leave them. I’ll wash them for you.”
Only then did Song Xinglan nod blankly. At the moment when Song Jin was about to enter the room, he said, “Ge, thank you!”
Song Jin sat in the room. The wind was a bit strong tonight. It seemed like it was going to rain. After drying his hair, he used the computer for a while, then turned off the power and unplugged it. Just in case it thundered at night, he wouldn’t have to get up specifically to unplug it.
He turned off the light and closed his eyes. But he couldn’t fall asleep. The wind outside was very loud. Song Jin opened his eyes and happened to see a bright flash of lightning outside the window. Two seconds later, a loud thunderclap rang out, shaking the window as if it were trembling.
The thunder in the mountains seemed particularly loud. Grapefruit was startled awake, meowed, and ran to the edge of Song Jin’s bed. He laid down there.
Lightning continued to flash and thunder rumbled. Suddenly, Song Jin’s door was knocked on. Or rather, it sounded more like it was being pounded. Song Xinglan was outside shouting, “Ge, open the door. Ge!”
Song Jin’s heart tightened instantly amidst the thunder and the pounding on the door. Song Xinglan had never knocked on his door with such force in the middle of the night. Not to mention, he had been so careful and cautious lately, not daring to speak loudly. But now, he was pounding the door so loudly.
“Ge! Please! Ge!” Song Xinglan’s voice was tearful as he was banging on the door. “Open the door, Ge!”
The sounds ringing in his ears mixed with the thoughts rushing into his mind. Song Jin’s thoughts were chaotic. Lightning pierced through the curtains, occasionally illuminating the room dimly, as if he had returned to that night over three years ago. The skylight in the attic, the pale moonlight, and Song Xinglan pushing open the door in the darkness. Song Jin almost felt the smell of rust from the handcuffs and the smell of blood on his wrists.
“Ge! Please- please open the door for me!” Song Xinglan cried out to him, “I’m begging you, Ge!”
Song Jin’s head throbbed. He reached out to turn on the light, luckily it didn’t trip. Grapefruit was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching the door vigilantly.
The light seemed to provide some sense of safety. Song Jin forced himself to come back to reality. The person outside the door was not the Song Xinglan from three years ago. That guy wouldn’t be crying and panicking like this. There was a world of difference between them. At least now they were really different.
Song Jin walked to the door and said, “Stop banging on the door. Don’t move.”
The pounding on the door stopped instantly. Song Xinglan’s voice trembled, “Ge, I’m not banging on the door anymore. I’ll be obedient. Can you please open the door, please…”
Song Jin took a deep breath and opened the door.
Song Xinglan’s face was covered in tears, his eyes were red. When the light from the room shone on his face, he forcefully pushed the door open and reached out to tightly embrace Song Jin.
Song Jin’s mind went blank for a moment. He used all his strength to push him away and even subconsciously shouted, “Let go of me!”
“No. No…” Song Xinglan’s whole body tensed and trembled, “Ge, I’m really scared… Please don’t drive me away… I’m begging you…”
“You let go of me first!” Song Jin pushed his waist, commanding, “Let go!”
However, Song Xinglan held him even tighter, burying his face in Song Jin’s neck. Tears flowed down Song Jin’s collar as Song Xinglan incoherently said, “Ge, I’m so scared… Please don’t scold me. Don’t hit me. Don’t lock me upstairs… It’s too dark. I’ll be scared alone… I’m begging you…”
The sound of pouring rain outside filled the air. Song Jin’s hearing was filled with the natural sound of thunderstorms and Song Xinglan’s unintelligible murmurs. Grapefruit was spinning at their feet, occasionally looking up and meowing.
“You let go of me first.” Song Jin tried to speak calmly, “I’ll just close the door for a moment.”
Song Xinglan sniffed, loosening his grip slightly. Seeing no response from Song Jin, he slowly let go, wiping his tears haphazardly and watched as Song Jin closed the door.
Song Jin looked at him and said, “Sit on the sofa.”
Song Xinglan moved his feet and walked to the sofa beside the bed. He then sat down.
He stared at Song Jin with his wet, red eyes, blinking without blinking, until Song Jin sat down on the edge of the bed.
The thunder came suddenly and left quickly. It was as if it had begun to become dull and vague, leaving only the continuous downpour. The bedroom was bathed in warm yellow light and Grapefruit jumped onto the sofa, sitting beside Song Xinglan.
“Who hit you?” Song Jin asked him.
Song Xinglan’s fingertips twitched nervously. He said, “I don’t know.”
“What do you mean by being locked upstairs?”
“I don’t know…” Tears suddenly welled up in his eyes again. Song Xinglan’s expression became fearful. He looked at the ground and spoke in vague, confused sentences. “He… He scolded me, hit me… Locked me upstairs… There was no light upstairs… It was very dark, very small… Thunder was loud… I was alone inside. I begged him to open the door… But he wouldn’t open it. I was really scared…”
Song Jin looked at Song Xinglan. He knew that these might not be nonsense.
Song Jin had wondered why Song Xinglan had turned out that way later on. Besides his mother and brother leaving home, Song Xiangping must also bear a great responsibility. Otherwise, Song Xinglan wouldn’t have treated him like an enemy, confronting him head on. However, what exactly had happened, Song Jin had no way of knowing. The two people involved would never tell him.
Thinking back now, it was probably a case of child abuse. After the beating and scolding, young Song Xinglan was thrown into the attic, left to be surrounded by darkness and the terror of thunder.
Song Jin remembered the attic in his hometown. It was very small. No one would normally go there. Not even the maid would go to clean it. It was covered in dust. Before his parents divorced, Song Xiangping had also threatened Song Jin, saying that if he didn’t behave, he would lock him in the attic.
Song Jin had always thought it was a joke to scare him. But he never thought that Song Xiangping would actually do it to Song Xinglan.
The thunder tonight stirred up deep memories from Song Xinglan’s childhood. He tasted that fear again, which is why he came crying to him.
“Was it Song Xiangping?” Song Jin asked him.
Song Xinglan lifted his head. His eyes were filled with tears, showing confusion and helplessness. He gasped heavily and then sobbed uncontrollably. But he showed no recognition or reaction to the name.
Song Jin walked to the computer desk and took out a photo from the shelf. It was a picture he had kept for several years of him with his mother.
He walked up to Song Xinglan and handed him the photo, asking, “Do you recognize the person in this?”
Song Xinglan wiped his tears and looked at the photo.
“It hurts… It hurts…” he suddenly choked up, “It hurts so much…”
“Who is hurting?”
Song Xinglan pointed to his mother in the photo and said, “She’s hurting…”
“How do you know she’s in pain?”
“Injection… Doctor gave her an injection…”
Song Jin squatted in front of him, looking at his face. He asked, “Did you go to the hospital to see her?”
Song Xinglan shook his head, “Don’t know.”
“Did she see you?”
Song Xinglan suddenly pressed his head with one hand, furrowing his brows, seeming to be in some pain. However, he still answered, “She saw me. It seems like she saw me.”
Song Jin’s eyes were already a bit red as he asked, “What did she say to you?”
“She said, she said…” The photo slipped from Song Xinglan’s hand. He held on to his head with both hands, crying until his voice became hoarse, “She said sorry… She said sorry… But I walked away… I didn’t talk to her… I ignored her…”
Song Jin covered his eyes with his hand. He suddenly remembered the incident when his mother attempted suicide by cutting her wrist while she was in the hospital. He remembered his mother’s answer when he asked if she was afraid.
“I am afraid. But I also feel reluctant to leave this world.”
The long-lost younger son suddenly appeared at the hospital when she was seriously ill. But he did not accept her apology. He left coldly without a word, mixing hope and despair together. That’s why the mother wanted to end her life. But she was filled with a helpless reluctance.
This was the hateful kinship and blood ties among their family, erasing any goodness, all evolving into twisted hatred and crazy desires for disconnection. Everyone was sick of it and wanted to escape. But the resentment gradually became deeply rooted. So much so that in the end, no one could escape. They were all trapped in the entangled web.
“He made me call someone else ‘mom’…” Song Xinglan suddenly lifted his head. His expression turned to that of pain as he choked up, “I only have one mom… I don’t want to call anyone else ‘mom’…”
“But my mom doesn’t want me anymore…” Tears streamed down from his tightly closed eyes, “My mom doesn’t want me anymore… I hate her… It’s because of her that he locked me upstairs… that he hit me… I hate her…”
“So, that’s why you treated me like that?” Song Jin lowered his hands. His eyes were bloodshot. But he didn’t cry, “That’s why you insulted me and violated me?”
He stood up, staring coldly at Song Xinglan. “I was only seven years old back then. I was just like you, unable to do anything. Why do you have the right to hate me? Why do you have the right to treat me like that?”
Song Xinglan looked at him with blurred eyes, seeming not to understand what Song Jin was saying. “Ge…”
“You’re just a lunatic, a natural-born lunatic!” Song Jin suddenly lost control of his emotions and shouted at him, “Song Xinglan, I haven’t had it much better than you. Why should you take the grudges of our parents’ generation out on me? Just because of what you did to me, you think you can be forgiven? What’s the difference between you and Song Xiangping? You’re both cruel, selfish, dark, and twisted. You’re both lunatics!”
Grapefruit was so frightened that it jumped off the sofa and hid under the computer desk. Song Xinglan stood up in a panic, wanting to reach out and grab Song Jin, “Ge…”
But Song Jin quickly stepped back, looking at him and said, “And also, she didn’t reject you. Your mom didn’t reject you.”
Shortly after arriving here, Song Jin went to the second floor where some of his grandparents’ belongings were kept. He placed his mother’s belongings here as well. While organising his grandfather’s bookshelf drawer, he came across some documents from over a decade ago.
It turned out that his mother and Song Xiangping had a custody battle back then. His mother wanted to take both him and Song Xinglan away. But Song Xiangping would never agree. So, after the divorce agreement, his mother filed a lawsuit, hoping to obtain custody of Song Xinglan. However, Song Xiangping, with his far superior financial resources, could afford the best lawyers. It was clear that his mother’s defeat in the lawsuit was predictable.
As for why Song Xinglan was left with Song Xiangping in the first place, Song Jin could guess. He was already seven years old at the time and could remember things. So Song Xiangping chose the four-year-old Song Xinglan.
However, he was fundamentally incapable of being a father. He ultimately led to Song Xinglan becoming a mentally twisted lunatic.
Tears finally welled up in his eyes. The secrets and hidden truths buried for many years poured out like the torrential rain outside. Despite the fact that the person in front of him was a fool, Song Jin still wanted to reveal the whole truth to him. “Back then, Mom fought a lawsuit with Song Xiangping to get custody of you. But how could she win against him? She didn’t see you, not because she truly disliked you. She just knew that when it’s over, it’s over. She didn’t want to be so sentimental. She knew that you and her would have no relationship in the future, because Song Xiangping wouldn’t allow her to see you. Do you understand?”
Song Jin collapsed onto the bed, crying uncontrollably. “Song Xinglan, why are we even a family? Why do I have to endure not only Mom’s resentment for a whole decade, but also your assault… I’m your brother. Even if you hate me, you can’t treat me like that…”
“Ge…” Song Xinglan called out to him. He was bewildered and panicked, “I don’t hate you… Ge, I don’t hate you…”
“That’s now,” Song Jin looked up at him through tears, “because you don’t remember anything.”
He pointed to the door. “Get out.”
Song Xinglan didn’t move. Song Jin suddenly stood up, grabbed Song Xinglan’s hand, and pulled him out. He opened the door, pushed Song Xinglan out, and then closed the door.
Song Xinglan stood outside the door, listening to Song Jin’s suppressed and painful cries.
“Ge… please don’t cry. You can hit me if you want. I won’t make a sound. But please don’t cry, okay?” Song Xinglan crouched in front of the door, gently touching the door as if he could comfort Song Jin’s back and said with a choked voice, “Ge, I was wrong. Please don’t cry. I’ll be obedient from now on…”
Song Jin didn’t reply.
The late-night rain washed over the undulating earth. No one could be reborn in the rain. Only the entangled past remained intricately intertwined, unable to be separated no matter how much effort was exerted.
Song Jin eventually cried himself to sleep on the bed, while Song Xinglan sat in front of his door. He stayed there until the early hours of the morning. As the autumn rain stopped and the sky began to lighten, he finally got up and returned to his small room.
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*Translator’s Note: *sighs* This family is really fucked up. -K
Next update: -Daily-
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