Chapter 34 – New Year
Novel Title: 一屋暗灯 (Ephemeral Light)
Author：麦香鸡呢 (McChicken)
Translator: K (@kin0monogatari)
Protagonists: 宋谨 (Song Jin -MC), 宋星阑 (Song Xinglan -ML)
*Please read at Novels Space.space, the original site of translation. TQ*
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Two days later, someone came to Song Jin’s house. He must be one of Song Xinglan’s assistants. He came to take away some things Song Xinglan had brought earlier.
Song Jin stood in the corridor holding Grapefruit. In fact, since the morning he returned home, he had already neatly organised all of Song Xinglan’s belongings without needing the assistant’s help.
The assistant wheeled out the luggage and smiled, saying, “Since President Song hasn’t been at the company for several months, there’s quite a lot to catch up on. So, he took a flight soon after being discharged this morning and couldn’t come in person.”
He didn’t know that Song Xinglan’s absence was a great blessing for Song Jin.
“No problem,” Song Jin replied.
It has been raining these past two days. There was a light drizzle that was cold, damp, and bone-chilling. The leaves of the plane tree in the courtyard had already fallen off completely. Its branches tremble in the harsh winter wind.
Not long after, the assistant left. Song Jin stood at the door for a moment before turning back to his room.
To this day, he still didn’t know whether Song Xinglan remembered the events of the past two months. If he did, Song Xinglan would likely need time to process it all. After all, the person who lost their memory was vastly different from his usual self. The actions taken and words spoken were all markedly out of character for him.
Song Jin hoped he remembered. He hoped Song Xinglan remembered how much he had relied on him and the many affectionate confessions he had made. Not for any other reason than wishing that the somewhat pleasant life of the past two months could soften Song Xinglan’s heart a bit. It was so that he would refrain from disturbing him anymore and they could cleanly cut ties.
Yet, Song Jin also didn’t want him to remember. He didn’t want Song Xinglan to recall the kisses and intimacy, whether initiated by himself or consented to. He didn’t want Song Xinglan to think of him as someone who would engage in such things with his amnesiac brother. In that light, Song Jin felt like a true fool. He was deluding himself, willingly accepting the brother who had once forced and tormented him, all under the veil of amnesia.
It was almost more humiliating and degrading than when Song Xinglan had assaulted him three years ago.
Suddenly, Song Jin felt the house was so empty. It was as empty as his chest, filled with confusion and coldness. He was unable to touch any tangible entity he could sense.
Two nights ago, on a rainy night, Song Xinglan had held Song Jin so tightly as they walked side by side under the pitch-black night sky. The clear and distinct words “I want you to love me” still seemed to echo in his ears. They lingered with the tumultuous sound of the rain, refusing to fade away.
Song Jin had a ludicrous thought — if the amnesiac Song Xinglan could come back, he might actually give an answer.
The condition was, he must never regain his memory.
***
In less than half a month, it will be New Year’s Eve. He Hao asked Song Jin on WeChat if he wanted to join him for the New Year’s countdown that night. But Song Jin declined.
It wasn’t the first time he would be spending the New Year alone. He had grown accustomed to dismissing all holidays.
The door of the small room was tightly shut. Grapefruit would occasionally scratch lightly at the door and sniff around. In fact, he got along quite well with Song Xinglan. Normally, Song Xinglan loved standing by the door to play with him, easily amusing him with just a tissue. Sometimes, when the door was closed, if Grapefruit scratched at it, Song Xinglan would come to open it. Using the excuse of bringing Grapefruit back to his brother’s room, he would then spend some time in Song Jin’s room.
Today, Grapefruit was lingering outside the small room again, stretching out its paw to scratch at the door. Song Jin happened to see this as he stepped out of the room. Grapefruit glanced at the door of the small room, then turned to look at Song Jin. Even though he couldn’t speak, Song Jin felt as if he was asking, “Why isn’t this door opening?“
“He’s gone,” Song Jin said quietly after watching Grapefruit for a moment. “He won’t come back. He won’t open the door for you anymore.”
Grapefruit stared at Song Jin with its amber eyes. He then turned back to look at the door of the small room.
Song Jin walked over and picked Grapefruit up. It nestled on Song Jin’s shoulder, still gazing at the door.
***
On New Year’s Eve, because they were in the countryside, as evening fell, people in the village started setting off firecrackers. Grapefruit was so scared that it huddled in Song Jin’s arms. He was afraid to move. Song Jin gently stroked his head and tied a small red scarf around his neck.
Grapefruit shook his head, clearly not used to wearing scarves.
Song Jin went to the kitchen to cook, with Grapefruit trailing at his feet. He was clearly frightened by the occasional firecracker sounds outside.
Opening the fridge, Song Jin saw a large bag of chicken wings.
It was not long ago that Song Xinglan had asked him to buy them.
Song Jin remembered the day when he had asked Song Xinglan, “What dishes do you want to eat for the New Year?”
At that time, Song Xinglan was lying on the small sofa in Song Jin’s room, with Grapefruit lying on his chest, watching him eat longan fruit seriously. Song Xinglan asked, “Is it Chinese New Year?”
“There is still more than half a month left.”
Song Xinglan pondered for a moment. He was puzzled. “Why prepare dishes so early?”
“Stocking up,” Song Jin replied. “Otherwise, as New Year’s Eve approaches, some dishes are hard to find and prices go up.”
Especially in their small mountain village. It was a bit far from the city centre. Everyone in the village bought meat from the only grocery store. Sometimes if they went too late in the morning, they could hardly find any meat left.
“Let’s make a large plate of chicken wings,” Song Xinglan said. “Braised chicken wings. I’m fine with just chicken wings.”
Song Jin chuckled. “Even if it’s not enough, there’s nothing we can do.”
The next day, he went to the store and bought a whole bag of chicken wings and froze them in the fridge. Later, Song Xinglan kept pestering Song Jin for a few days to make some for him first. But Song Jin didn’t agree.
Now thinking back, Song Jin felt he should have agreed at that time. Because he didn’t really like eating chicken wings. And now with such a large bag left, he figured he would take a long time to finish them alone.
It was only now that Song Jin realised, when Song Xinglan was around, he had thought about celebrating the New Year properly. He even thought of stocking up on groceries so early. But now, none of it mattered anymore.
Song Jin picked out a few chicken wings and placed them in hot water to thaw. Then he went to chop other vegetables. He cooked especially slowly today, trying to pass the time. By the time it got dark, he could have his meal, take a shower, and go to bed. Tomorrow will come soon. Tomorrow was New Year’s Day. Though it held no special meaning for Song Jin, it was still the New Year after all.
As the vegetables simmered in the pot, he ran out of soy sauce. Song Jin washed his hands, stood in the kitchen for a few seconds, then turned and headed to the doorway of the small room where the new soy sauce and various other odds and ends were kept.
Opening the door, the room was quiet and empty. The small bed was bare. Song Jin turned on the light. It was the first time he noticed how dim the lighting in this room was.
The bed was so small. No wonder Song Xinglan always complained about not being able to sleep comfortably.
Song Jin went into the boxes to find the soy sauce. As he breathed, he could feel the faint dust stirring in his nostrils. Several boxes were empty. Song Jin felt like there was an emptiness somewhere in himself as well. There was a sense of unawareness, until he touched a bottle of new soy sauce. The weight in his hand brought him a sense of solidity, grounding him. Otherwise, he felt he might float away in the next moment.
Something slid off the side and bumped into Song Jin’s shoulder. It landed on the box.
It was a few strands of red lanterns, bought by Song Xinglan from the small shop. He said he would hang them on the Chinese parasol tree in the courtyard on New Year’s Day and put another one on Grapefruit’s tail.
In just over two months, because of the affection and sincerity that the amnesiac Song Xinglan kept emitting, Song Jin found himself in this absurd state of reminiscing over things. Song Jin felt it was ridiculous. Yet he couldn’t deny its rationality.
In over twenty years, there truly hadn’t been anyone as sincere to him as Song Xinglan was during those two months. Really, there hadn’t.
Such straightforwardness, dependence, and love, handed to him so completely—Song Jin couldn’t refuse it even if he wanted to.
Song Jin could no longer deceive himself. He had never been so clear-headed in realising what he was extremely lacking. It was something Song Xinglan had given him unreservedly. Therefore, he could not forget it.
Nor could he get it again.
“Meow…” Faint sounds of firecrackers could be heard from outside. Grapefruit anxiously ran to Song Jin’s feet, rubbing against his pant leg.
Then it glanced at the bed, thinking that its other brother would be sitting there.
Song Jin held the soy sauce in his hand and then picked up Grapefruit.
“Don’t look. He’s not there.” Song Jin looked up and blinked, forcing the wet sting back into his eyes.
He was grateful that Grapefruit was a cat and couldn’t understand the choke in his voice. He also couldn’t understand the full extent of his regret. He wouldn’t mock him for placing his longing on someone who could never come back.
***
Dinner was ready. Song Jin brought the dishes to the table, eating slowly by himself. He Hao and Tang Min had already finished their New Year’s Eve dinner and gone out to meet up for the New Year celebration. Now they called Song Jin, almost begging him to join them for fun.
“I really don’t want to go out,” Song Jin said. “It’s too far. Let’s get together during the New Year holidays.”
He Hao was endlessly complaining on the other end of the phone. Song Jin heard someone entering the courtyard gate so he said, “I have something to do here. I’ll hang up now. You guys have fun. I’ll go out and find you in the next few days.”
He hung up the phone, thinking it should be someone from the village. He had gone to the village clinic in the morning to buy some medicine since his throat had been hurting for the past few days. However, the clinic was closed. He happened to run into a villager. Upon hearing that Song Jin’s throat was inflamed, the villager said that his son would be coming home for the New Year today and could bring the medicine back. He would give it to Song Jin later.
Song Jin insisted that he would go over in the evening to pick it up himself. But the villager was more persistent, saying his son might come back at any time so it wasn’t certain when. Anyway, he would bring the medicine to Song Jin when he got it.
“Uncle Zhang?” Song Jin quickened his steps to the door, saying while opening it, “It’s too much trouble for you. I could have gone myself-…”
The moment the door opened, all the words Song Jin was about to say were stuck in his throat. Only the night wind blew in his ears. And even the incessant sound of firecrackers seemed to cease instantly, leaving the world in a silent stillness.
Song Xinglan stood outside the door. He was dressed in a black coat, almost blending into the dark wilderness behind him. The night made his face look cold and pale. The wind was blowing his hair to reveal a faint scar on his forehead. Those eyes were just as Song Jin had always seen them, just as they were when he saw Song Xinglan for the last time in the hospital room—indifferent and deep. They captured no emotion but more oppressive than anything else. They were like invisible claws around the neck, making it hard to breathe.
Song Jin had often opened the courtyard gate for Song Xinglan when he ran out to play. Song Xinglan always blinked his bright eyes at him with a silly smile. He was lively and vivid. But in that split second, when Song Jin opened the door again, the person standing in front of him turned into the cold and cruel demon from his past. He had turned back into his nightmare.
There was never enough buffer time, no matter how long it took. Whenever the complete memory of Song Xinglan appeared before him, Song Jin always found himself on the verge of collapse in an instant.
His fingertips almost dug into the door frame. He wanted to see Song Xinglan. But definitely not the Song Xinglan in front of him.
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*Author’s Note: I won’t be updating tomorrow. But I’ll try to write more words in the next chapter. Although I don’t usually reply, I do read all the comments carefully 😀 -McChicken
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*Translator’s Note: The author is finally saying something hahaha☝🏻. You think SXL will want to cut ties with his brother? No way in hell, man. He’s very possessive of him. -K
Next update: -Daily-
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