Chapter 39 – The Harsh Truth
Novel Title: 一屋暗灯 (Ephemeral Light)
Author：麦香鸡呢 (McChicken)
Translator: K (@kin0monogatari)
Protagonists: 宋谨 (Song Jin -MC), 宋星阑 (Song Xinglan -ML)
*Please read at Novels Space.space, the original site of translation. TQ*
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⚠️*TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter contains mentions of suicide attempt. Proceed with caution.
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Han Zhuo looked at Song Xinglan for a long time before finally asking, “Isn’t he your younger brother?”
“He is,” Song Jin answered with his voice croaked.
The birthday three years ago was indeed too miserable to recall now. Song Jin told Han Zhuo that Song Xinglan was his younger brother when they were almost caught in a kissing scene witnessed by Song Xinglan.
Later, Tang Min saw Song Jin and Song Xinglan kissing with his own eyes. Song Jin told Tang Min that Song Xinglan was just someone he knew.
“Why did he…-“
“-Don’t ask,” Song Jin softly interrupted him, “Han Zhuo, I’m getting off here. Please don’t ask anything. Just turn around and drive back, okay?”
He turned his head. His expression was almost indescribable. Han Zhuo felt it was like the prelude to some kind of shattering.
“I’m begging you, just don’t interfere. This is something between me and my younger brother.” Song Jin slowly unbuckled his seatbelt and picked up the paper bag containing books. His movements seemed orderly. But every one of his fingers trembled. He said, “You go back now. Thank you for today.”
“Song Jin…”
Standing outside the car, Song Jin smiled at Han Zhuo, “Really, it’s fine. He’s my younger brother. He’s just a bit immature. You go back.”
His smile was too pale, almost despairing. Han Zhuo didn’t start the car but watched as Song Jin walked towards another vehicle, opened the back door, and got in.
Even now, if Song Jin still didn’t realise how to handle Song Xinglan properly, then he truly was too clueless.
Submission. Compliance.
His younger brother’s response to firmness was to be even firmer. Only by yielding could he find a glimmer of hope in his presence.
So Song Jin could never be the person cowering in Han Zhuo’s car. He could only open the door and get out, hoping to avoid a greater tragedy.
After Song Jin got into the car, Song Xinglan didn’t look at Han Zhuo again. He just turned around and sat back in the driver’s seat. Then, the car turned a corner and continued forward.
Han Zhuo remained in the middle of the road for a while before starting the car and finding a way to turn around.
After driving for a bit, he hesitated for a moment and decided to call Song Jin. Song Jin picked up quickly.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Song Jin said. “I’m on my way back now. You drive safely.”
“That’s good to hear. Tell your brother not to drive like that again. It’s too dangerous.”
The scenery outside the window was still. The car had long since stopped by the side of the road. Song Jin sat in the back seat, looking at the silent Song Xinglan in the driver’s seat, and said, “Okay. I’ll hang up now.”
“Yeah. Bye.”
The call ended. The only sound left was the raindrops hitting the car window.
Song Xinglan suddenly opened the car door and got out. He then opened the back door. Song Jin leaned against the opposite side of the car door, head lowered, his profile obscured in melancholy.
“Did you sleep with him?” Song Xinglan stood outside the car, straightforwardly and softly asking him.
The two had spent over two hours in the hotel, then left together and got into the car to go home. In retrospect, Song Jin felt that it indeed looked like something had happened between him and Han Zhuo in the hotel.
“If I sleep with him, so what?”
The car remained unlit, making the interior extremely dark. Yet Song Jin’s eyes seemed even darker, his face no longer showing any signs of panic or fear, just a diffused indifference trending towards calmness. He asked, “If I sleep with him, what are you going to do to me?”
“Condemned me?” Song Jin chuckled to himself. “Call me shameless? Call me cheap?”
“Or…” He slowly raised his eyes to look at Song Xinglan, asking, “Rape me again several times, regardless of the circumstances?”
It seemed that at this moment, nothing mattered anymore. Everything could be discarded. Song Jin didn’t want anything anymore. He didn’t want to endure it anymore, nor did he want to deceive himself and continue living. Enough of this, he was too tired.
Song Xinglan stood outside the car, not saying a word. But something was clearly tightening within him. The gloomy coldness and oppressive chill receded when he had to face Song Jin’s unusual demeanour. They were replaced entirely by silence.
“Would you do that?” Song Jin asked softly, “Just like more than three years ago, would you destroy me again?”
Without waiting for Song Xinglan’s answer, Song Jin continued, “I remember when you had amnesia, you asked me how the scars on my hand came about.”
“There are three scars on my wrist. Two were from the handcuffs you put on me. And the other was from when you raped me the first time. I thought I couldn’t live anymore and wanted to slit my wrist and die. Unfortunately, in the end, I was afraid of death and pain. So I couldn’t cut any deeper.”
Song Xinglan’s body stiffened as rainwater sliding down his cheek, dripping from his chin onto the ground.
“If only I had been more ruthless back then…” Song Jin said, shaking his head lightly, “No. It should have been earlier than that. Before I returned to the Song family’s house. I should have died then. None of this would have happened.”
“Ge.” Song Xinglan finally spoke. His voice was hoarse, yet his body remained rigid and unable to move.
Song Jin seemed not to hear him, as if every word he said was self-talk, as if it didn’t matter who was next to him anymore. As long as someone could hear him, even if that person was Song Xinglan, he didn’t care.
“Do you know, after you went abroad, I went to see a psychiatrist…” Song Jin paused, “But I came out in less than five minutes.”
In that brief moment, tears fell from the corners of Song Jin’s eyes. It was as if they couldn’t be held back for another second. He looked at Song Xinglan, choking with sobs, “Because I couldn’t even tell the doctor that I was raped by my own younger brother. For this reason, I didn’t even dare to see a doctor…”
“Taking medicine doesn’t help… It doesn’t help me at all… This thing keeps weighing on me, I can’t get better… I’m not sick. I just can’t get over that hurdle…”
“Do you know what kind of dreams I’ve been having these years? I always dream of you pinning me down on the bed, not wearing a single piece of clothing. I turn my head and see mom standing right next to us…”
“I want mom to save me. But I can’t speak… When I wake up, I realise that mom is already dead and there’s no one to save me…”
“I really want to ask you, Song Xinglan…” Song Jin cried, “If you really hated me, why didn’t you just kill me? I wouldn’t blame you. But instead, you made my life worse than death. Do you hate me that much?”
“What did I do wrong…” Song Jin bent over. His head rested against the back of the front seat with his fingers deeply embedded in his hair. He hoarsely and nearly brokenly questioned, “I was only seven years old when I left home. I was just like you, knowing nothing, able to do nothing… I lived under mom’s resentment for so many years. After coming home, I treated you as my only family. I didn’t care how Song Xiangping treated me… I really wanted to be a good brother to you, to make it up to you, to treat you well…”
“Even if… even if you didn’t like me, why did you have to treat me that way…” Song Jin gasped for breath, pressing a hand to his agonising heart, crying intermittently, “I feel like I’m dying… Song Xinglan… after you destroyed me, you lost your memory and clung to me… when I foolishly developed feelings for you, you recovered… Stop tormenting me…”
It turns out that pouring out one’s heart is also such an excruciatingly painful thing to do because the person standing opposite is the source of the evil, the instigator.
The raindrops gradually diminished. Song Xinglan’s fingers twitched. Then, his whole body seemed able to move again. He slowly bent into the back seat, reaching out to pull Song Jin’s arm.
“Don’t touch me!” Song Jin shook off his hand, pressing his back tightly against the car window. His face was full of tears and he looked completely shattered. Living to this point, he didn’t need any more triggers to be provoked. He was like a glass cup full of cracks; even the slightest touch could cause him to completely break apart. Trembling in pain, he seemed to use all his strength just to utter another sentence, “Song Xinglan… please… Just let me go. I can’t go on like this anymore… I… I can’t…”
“I’m sorry.” Song Xinglan looked at him in the dim light. His voice reached Song Jin’s ears as if from a great distance, yet each word was clear. He said, “Ge I’m sorry.”
Song Jin leaned back with his eyes half-closed, tears still streaming uncontrollably.
He never thought Song Xinglan would apologise. He always felt Song Xinglan should apologise to him. Yet, he also believed it was impossible for Song Xinglan to do so. But when those words of apology truly reached his ears, Song Jin realised that those words were worth less than scrap paper.
He had endured nightmares and struggled for so many years. If an apology could truly heal him, then he would be utterly worthless.
“Don’t apologise to me… I don’t want to hear it…” Song Jin curled up tightly in the corner, his breathing shaky. He sobbed as he said, “Just let me go… Please, let me go… That’s all I ask… Okay…”
Song Xinglan didn’t answer. Instead, he reached out and pulled Song Jin into his arms.
Song Jin struggled frantically, pushing and shoving, emitting extremely painful and suppressed sounds from his throat. They sounded like a cry or a muffled sob when one’s mouth was covered. He felt as if he was truly on the brink of death. His emotions had reached their peak. Beyond this, there was only death. Like a balloon about to burst; he feared he would explode and disappear completely in the next moment.
But Song Xinglan only held him tighter, as if intuitively afraid that he would indeed disappear before him. His face pressed against Song Jin’s neck. The rain on his face felt cold and wet against Song Jin’s skin, yet his breath was warm, continuously hitting the side of his neck.
His voice trembled slightly, “Ge, I was wrong. I’m sorry.”
Song Jin resembled a dying fish, opening his mouth as if searching for water. His chin rested on Song Xinglan’s shoulder, his chest heaving violently a few times before he could gasp out a breath. Accompanied by a low, hoarse cry, each word seemed to be forced out through gritted teeth:
“I don’t want to hear it…”
The cold rain, which had been falling for half a day, finally ceased, with only a few occasional drops falling from the treetops onto the car window. Song Jin gasped for breath amidst his sobs. This eruption of long-repressed emotions exhausted the last of his strength. His body, mind, emotions, and nerves were all sighing with exhaustion. His consciousness and flesh were drained, leaving him an empty shell. They barely retained the instinct to live.
Song Jin felt as if he were floating, about to drift to a place so quiet it lacked any sound. Yet sometimes he felt like he was sinking endlessly, with no end in sight, not knowing when he might crash and shatter into pieces.
He slowly closed his eyes, feeling exhausted. He let go of the grip he had on Song Xinglan’s jacket, his tense body going limp, leaving only slight tremors.
Song Xinglan continued to hold him until Song Jin, drained of strength, fell into a fitful sleep. Only then did Song Xinglan slowly lift his head and, in the dim light from the street lamp, gaze at Song Jin’s tear-streaked face before gently pressing his forehead against his.
Having been in the rain, Song Xinglan’s forehead was cold, while Song Jin’s skin was burning hot from the emotional turmoil. As their foreheads touched, it was as if Song Xinglan was trying to absorb some of the warmth. Despite his brother being utterly shattered, there was still something about him that made it hard to let go, leaving Song Xinglan with a lingering attachment.
Song Xinglan’s fingers brushed through Song Jin’s soft hair. He whispered almost inaudibly, “Ge, let’s go home.”
He released his hold and gently laid Song Jin down on the back seat. Song Jin, with a nasal tone, mumbled in his sleep and curled up automatically. Song Xinglan took off his jacket and draped it over him, wiping the tears from Song Jin’s face with the back of his hand. Then he got out of the car and returned to the driver’s seat.
Over half an hour later, the car stopped outside the courtyard gate. Song Xinglan went to the back seat, took the keys from Song Jin’s jacket pocket, and carried him out of the car. Song Jin slept soundly, perhaps truly exhausted or perhaps having given up. Even as Song Xinglan carried him into the house, Song Jin didn’t open his eyes.
Song Xinglan helped him take off his shoes. When he reached out to pull down the zipper of the jacket, Song Jin suddenly raised his hand to grab his collar, frowning slightly. His eyelashes, clumped together from tears, were long and black, with his nose tip turning red, looking very resistant.
“I’m not going to touch you,” Song Xinglan gently pried his hands away and said, “Just taking off your jacket.”
Song Jin seemed to be out of strength. His hands dropped down as his head tilted to one side. He fell back into a deep sleep.
Song Xinglan took off his jacket and covered him with a blanket.He then went to the bathroom to get a warm towel to wipe Song Jin’s face.
Song Jin occasionally twitched his eyelashes and frowned. His pale skin turned slightly red from the warm towel. In the end, he curled himself into the blanket, unwilling to have his face touched anymore.
Song Xinglan hung the towel back up, then returned to the room and adjusted Song Jin’s blanket. Grapefruit remained silently by his side, just looking up at him.
The room was very quiet. But even in such silence, Song Jin’s breathing was almost inaudible, making one question his very existence. He seemed more ethereal than wind or dust.
Song Xinglan stood by the bed for a while, then bent down to pick up Grapefruit. Grapefruit meowed. His eyes widened with a hint of nervousness as he looked at Song Xinglan’s face.
“He’s asleep,” Song Xinglan said softly, looking at Song Jin on the bed. “Let’s go out and not disturb him.”
He carried Grapefruit out, turned off the light, and closed the door.
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*Translator’s Note: Now he knows how to apologise! He almost lost his brother for fuck’s sake. What if SJ really had committed suicide back then? Does he think he will get a chance to apologise that way? Grr… Well, at least, he’s regretful. Hmph! -K
Next update: -Daily-
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