VOLUME 3 — AUTUMN
Chapter 13: Geranium
I left the school with Senpai leading me by the hand, we took the usual train, and got off at the usual station as always.
From the time I left school until I arrived at the station, I didn’t exchange a single word with Itsuki-senpai.
After passing through the ticket gate, I stopped and looked up at Senpai, wondering where we were headed next. Our gazes unexpectedly met.
“For now, I want to talk things over slowly. So, is it okay if we go to my place?”
“…”
With a serious gaze, Senpai looked at me.
I hesitated for a moment, but when I nodded timidly, a gentle force was put into the hands we were connecting with.
“Now, I’ll go make some cocoa, so just sit tight.”
Upon arriving at Senpai’s house and wiping my wet uniform and bag with the towel handed to me, I sat down on the carpet as he suggested.
As I watched Senpai disappear into the kitchen, I let out a small sigh.
This was my second time coming to Senpai’s house, and unlike the first time, the room seemed brighter. Perhaps it was because Senpai had placed a new potted plant next to the TV stand.
Did Senpai buy it?
As I absentmindedly stared at it, another sigh escaped my lips as two mugs were placed on the table in front of me.
“My father brought that pachira”
“…”
“He said having some greenery in the room helps you relax… I don’t really get it, but I just did what he said and put it there.”
“It’s a pain to take care of, though.” Contrary to his words, Senpai seemed pleased.
I couldn’t help but smile at Senpai’s demeanor, and mouthed my lips to say, “Itadakimasu.” I reached for the cocoa in front of me, the sweet aroma tickling my nostrils.
“…I actually want to say that if you don’t want to talk, you don’t have to,”
“…”
“If possible, I would like Shiori to explain it to me.”
With one sip.
As I held the cocoa in my mouth and placed the mug on the table with both hands, at the same time, those words were thrown at me.
Raising my gaze from the cocoa as if invited, my eyes met Senpai’s, furrowing his brow as he looked at me. Involuntarily, my throat made a gulp sound.
The steam rising from Senpai’s coffee cup seemed to reflect my current feelings.
── It’s not that I don’t want to talk to Senpai.
I also know that it would be extremely rude of me to cause trouble to Senpai in a situation like this and not say anything.
Moreover, judging from Senpai’s behavior when he came to school, he probably already knows about the Twitter incident.
So I have to speak up.
…I have to tell him everything.
I know… I know.
I understand, but…
“…Are you scared?”
“…”
When I think about what Senpai will think of me, I feel anxious and anxious, and I can’t help it.
Scared? To Senpai’s question, I could only nod quietly while sniffling softly.
Then, Senpai let out a sigh, reached for his own cup, and took a sip of coffee.
Then, Senpai took a breath again. He rested his chin on his chin as if thinking about something, and slowly began to weave his words together, as if confirming his own feelings.
“I was scared too… “
“…”
“I was scared that you might break, that your smile might disappear… I was so scared that I couldn’t help it.”
As he spoke, Senpai smiled sadly, and tears welled up in my eyes again.
“I regret not noticing sooner… I really regret it. I don’t want to regret something like that ever again. I don’t want to feel this anxious anymore.”
“….”
“So… for a coward like me, could you tell me what you’re going through?”
Plop. A teardrop fell down my cheek.
Senpai’s words were always gentle, always warm.
As I covered my face with both hands to hide the tears that were falling one after another, Senpai’s hand gently stroked my hair.
“…It’s okay. I’ll always be on your side.”
Senpai’s words felt like magic, gently wrapping my heart in a way that healed my sadness.
…I love you, Senpai.
What can I do to repay this precious kindness that Senpai has given me?
What can I do for Senpai, who is more sensitive and warmer than anyone else?
“(My… dad…)”
How should I respond to the love that Senpai taught me?
After crying for a while, I rested my hand on my phone, tracing the cold glass surface.
Senpai, who had been gently stroking my hair until I calmed down, took this as a cue and slowly withdrew his hand.
I exhaled softly, repeatedly checking my own breathing.
Every time my heart raced, I placed my hand on my chest and reassured myself that everything would be okay.
──I don’t know how much time passed while I composed my thoughts into words.
But, I hoped that my innermost feelings would be conveyed.
That my voice would reach Senpai.
Five years ago, on that day—
I continued to write, hoping that Senpai would understand without a doubt.
Five years ago.
It was a terrible stormy night.
My family was a close-knit family of three that was well-regarded even in the neighborhood.
My father was a bus driver, and my mother was a nurse.
Both working, there were times in my childhood when I felt lonely, but they showered me with love to make up for it.
Our home was always bright and filled with laughter.
It was embarrassing to watch the two of them get along so well despite their age, but I was proud of my parents.
“I wonder if we should take a spontaneous bus trip when Shiori becomes a high schooler?”
“Eh? But I just started middle school! Besides, Dad, won’t you get bored riding the bus until your day off?”
“There’s no way I’ll ever get tired of it. Your dad is the number one bus-loving bus driver in Japan!”
I still vividly remember my father’s joyful laughter as he said that.
“Here, Dad. This is an amulet! I made it in the handicraft club!”
“Oh, Shiori’s handmade amulet? Hmm, is this supposed to be a bus? It looks a bit clumsy.”
“Geez!! Then I won’t give it to you anymore!!”
“Haha, just kidding. Thank you. Why don’t I take it with me every day and cherish it?”
With a big hand, my father happily accepted the felt bus-shaped amulet I made.
“Sweetheart, it looks like it’s going to rain today. Take an umbrella with you, okay?”
“Oh, thanks. Well then, Mom, Shiori. I’m off for today!”
“Yeah. Take care!”
── It was just another typical morning.
“…The rain today is really something.”
It must have been around 10 o’clock in the morning when I said those words to my mother.
The TV announcer was talking about record-breaking heavy rain, but I was listening to it as if it was someone else’s problem.
As I stared out the window at the scenery dyed pitch black by the pouring rain, I couldn’t help but think of my father. A sudden feeling of anxiety flooded my heart.
(Dad, working on a rainy day like this… If it’s raining tomorrow, will we still be able to go out?)
Tomorrow is the first day off with my father since I entered junior high school.
My dad, who works as a bus driver, often works on weekends as well.
Even on the occasional weekday holidays, if I went to school, I couldn’t go out with my dad.
That’s why tomorrow is a rare Sunday when we both have a day off.
We had already made plans to go somewhere.
“Aah…!!”
Suddenly.
I heard a loud crashing sound from behind, followed by my mother’s short scream, and I turned around in shock.
“What’s wrong, Mom!?”
“Mmm, I just slipped and dropped a bowl. Shiori, it’s dangerous, so don’t come over here.”
“Eh? Whose bowl did you break?”
“Your father’s bowl. It was his favorite… Well, there’s no helping it. I’ll have to buy a new one.”
With a frown and a disappointed expression, my mother cleaned up the broken bowl that belonged to my father.
For some reason, my heart started to race as I watched her, and when I looked outside again, the sad sound of rain echoed in my ears over and over.
── And then, it was evening that day.
“Yes, hello. Yes. …Huh? My husband?”
While sinking into the sofa in the living room and watching TV, a sudden phone call came.
My mother answered it, initially responding in her usual manner, but her voice gradually began to tremble.
“I-I see. And… how is my husband’s condition?”
“Huh? Dad?”
“Yes, yes… I see. Right away. Right away… I’ll go with my daughter.”
With just those words, my mother hung up the phone and stood frozen in place, staring blankly into space.
My mother’s unusual atmosphere and the small amount of conversation I could hear made my heart feel uneasy.
“…Mom, what happened? Dad…did something happen to him?”
“…”
I turned off the TV in a panic and got up. My mother finally seemed to come back to her senses as she looked at me.
As soon as she looked at me, tears welled up in her eyes, and with trembling lips, she covered her red-tipped nose with her hand.
“…Mom?”
“I-I just… got a call from your father’s company… Your father, he… he had an accident. And… your father, he’s in critical condition, on the verge of death… so he’s going to be taken to the hospital.”
From there, without understanding anything, my mother and I jumped into the car and desperately headed to the hospital in the stormy rain.
Just before arriving at the hospital, lightning streaked across the pitch-black sky.
I remember the sound of thunder striking somewhere, strangely clear.
“Excuse me, are you Mr. Hiratsuka’s wife? We’d like to ask you a few questions—”
After arriving at the hospital for a while, men in black suits came to guide us to the door where a red light indicating surgery was in progress.
In their hands were black leather notebooks.
Without understanding anything, as I alternated between looking at my mother and those people, my mother only said “I understand” and quietly stood up.
“M-Mom?”
“I’m sorry, Shiori. Could you wait here for a moment for your father?”
“It’s okay.” Leaving those words with a smile, my mother left with the two men in black suits.
Watching their retreating figures and the surgery light, I could do nothing but wait there alone for both of them.
“I’m sorry we couldn’t do more… Your husband’s condition is critical. It’s likely he won’t make it through the night.”
As my father, who had come out of surgery, was moved to a private room, my mother finally returned.
A doctor wearing a white coat bowed his head and said this to us in front of my father, who was connected to many tubes and bandaged so much that we could barely see his face.
Tonight is the critical moment.
I’ve heard that line countless times in dramas, but usually, people miraculously recover.
So surely, my father will be fine.
Definitely, he’ll be okay.
Believing that, I prayed for my father’s safety over and over again.
Through the night, without sleeping, I prayed only for my father’s safety.
And then, at dawn──
My father quietly passed away with us by his side.
“Yesterday, around 11 a.m., on the streets of ○○ Ward—”
The news was being broadcast on a television set in the lobby of the hospital.
Never in a million years would I have imagined that it was my father who caused the accident, and that several people had died because of that accident.
── My father, who was a bus driver, had an accident while on the job.
During the heavy rain, the bus my father was driving collided with a car.
The accident killed several passengers on the bus, including the father, and the driver of the car.
…Am I having some sort of bad dream?
My mind couldn’t accept the reality, and I kept pinching my cheeks, hoping to wake up from this nightmare.
But I never did.
Still unable to accept reality, I gazed blankly at the hospital scenery when suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder.
“…Could it be, Hiratsuka— Shiori-san?”
Suddenly addressed, I tilted my head in confusion, wondering who it was, and the man looked at me with a disdainful smile.
In his hand was a dirty black notebook and a retractable ballpoint pen.
A camera hung from his shoulder, and his worn-out suit was stained with some unknown liquid.
“Has there been anything strange about your father lately?”
“Huh?”
“For example, you know… if he had been doing drugs, or had symptoms of depression—”
Curious eyes were directed at me.
Feeling a deep sense of disgust, I finally realized that the man was somehow related to the media.
Sweat poured out from my entire body involuntarily, and as I stood up, I took a step back as if to escape from the man.
But the man, as if cornering me, stared at me from a breathless distance.
“According to the police investigation, the cause was poor visibility due to yesterday’s severe storm. They say it was due to the bus driver’s negligence… but apart from that, if there’s anything else your family can think of—”
“T-That’s… not true! My father was… completely normal yesterday!”
“Oh? In that case, could there have been something your family didn’t know about?”
“S-something I don’t know…?”
“Like if he had something to hide from his family, causing him stress. Maybe he had debts and was overwhelmed. Or maybe something outside of his home—”
“I’m… sorry. This is a hospital, so please refrain from discussing such matters here.”
“…”
As the man aggressively approached me, curious eyes started to turn towards us.
Just then, a middle-aged doctor who happened to pass by intervened between me and the man.
“Are you a doctor here? If so, could you tell us if the driver involved in yesterday’s accident did anything that could have caused it—”
“I cannot discuss any private matters of patients or their families. This is a place for those who are unwell. Please, if you have no business here, please leave.”
“…”
The doctor spoke firmly and decisively, leaving the man from the media with no words, and he swallowed hard before leaving the hospital.
Watching his retreating figure, I suddenly realized that the people who took my mother away yesterday were different from the man just now—they were police officers conducting an investigation.
I realize that those people of yesterday were police officers, different from the people today.
“…Are you okay?”
“…”
“I might be overstepping, but you should be careful with people like that. They manipulate people’s emotions with any information they can get their hands on to write information that can sway people’s hearts.”
As I was looking down, trying my best to hold back the tears that overflowed, I heard a voice suddenly call out to me, and I looked up in a panic.
When I looked up, the doctor who had just saved me was looking at me with concern.
With a gentle demeanor and a sincere atmosphere, the doctor handed me a handkerchief and said, “Use this.”
Accepting the handkerchief from the doctor, I thanked him and bowed before quickly leaving the scene.
However, I would soon realize that the incident with that man, who seemed to be from the media, was just the beginning.
In the weeks following my father’s passing, every time I walked outside, I was approached by people like him, and each time, I was subjected to heartless words.
Eventually, those people even began to camp outside our house, showing no regard for morals, making it difficult for us to leave the house, let alone go to school.
The bus accident was determined to be caused by poor visibility due to heavy rain and the bus driver’s negligence.
In the end, my father remained a suspect who had passed away, and the case was closed without prosecution.
However, the people who seemed to be from the media, unsatisfied with this outcome, repeatedly appeared before our family.
As we began to feel that their actions were more about amusement than anything else, they finally seemed to lose interest in the case.
── Then, by the time I was able to go to school again.
The scenery around me had changed drastically.
“…Huh?”
As soon as I arrived at school and greeted my newly made friends, I received an unexpected response.
“Um… Sorry, but could you not talk to us anymore?”
One of my friends said this to me, and I stumbled over my words in surprise, noticing the disdainful look in their eyes.
“Um, why…?”
“Why? Asking that, isn’t it obvious?”
“Um, obvious…?”
” If we hang out with a child of a murderer, people would look at us strangely!!”
At those words, I felt like the world before my eyes turned pitch black for a moment.
My throat grew hot, and my nose tingled.
── Murder.
Words I had heard countless times from the people from the media.
I thought I was finally free, but that wasn’t the case.
Even today, the looks I felt on my way to school were the same as those from those people.
──But it’s different. It’s not like that.
My dad loved buses.
He took pride in being a bus driver more than anyone else.
He always put customers first, greeting students, office workers, and salarymen he met every morning.
The elderly with walking difficulties, pregnant women, and adorable babies.
He talked to everyone without discrimination, eagerly telling me every day which people he had picked up and the sights he had seen on his route.
──That’s why I still can’t believe it.
That my dad, who always drove safely, caused such an accident.
That the bus my dad loved not only took his own life but also the lives of the customers he cherished.
If there is such a thing as heaven, my father must be crying by now.
For causing such an accident with the bus he loved so much.
For causing so much trouble to the company he was indebted to.
For taking the lives of innocent people.
── For making our family sad.
I’m sure my dad must be repenting over and over again, feeling regret since then.
That’s why I couldn’t stand people calling him a murderer.
I didn’t want people who knew nothing about my father to casually say such things.
“…Dad… is”
“Is?”
“Dad isn’t… a murderer!!”
“Huh?”
“Dad… Dad didn’t want… that accident to happen!! He didn’t want… to cause such an accident…!”
“…”
“Apologize!! Apologize to my dad… right now!!”
It was the first time I had lost control in anger.
I confronted the girl who had been looking down on me with folded arms.
As my classmates noticed our exchange, curiosity spread among them.
“What…? How can you be so… demanding… I have no reason to apologize!! I just said the truth!!”
“…”
She pushed my shoulder forcefully, causing me to stagger back a step.
But I refused to retreat, strengthening my stance with both feet.
No matter what others said or what kind of curious glances I received, I wouldn’t back down. I clenched my fists tightly.
But then,
As I took a deep breath to respond,
“Your dad… He killed this girl’s little brother, didn’t he…?!”
This time, I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
“What…?”
“You… You don’t know anything, do you? Your own father killed her friend’s brother, and you’re telling us to apologize right now? Aren’t you the one acting… crazy?”
Her words were spun as if they were being thrown out, and I finally realized how stupid I was.
Her eyes were filled with tears and were glaring at me.
Eyes of hostility directed intently at me──
“Th-that’s not… true…”
“It’s not a lie. This girl’s little brother was on the bus your father was driving.”
“…”
“Do you know what your father did? Even if he’s called a murderer, it’s no wonder!”
I couldn’t find the words to respond to her words, so all I could do was stand there dumbfounded
I’m so full of myself.
I didn’t even have the luxury of knowing about the families involved in the accident or the people who were left behind.
The true victims were the people involved in the accident caused by my father.
The ones left behind had to carry a burden heavier than my grief.
Yet here I was, unable to comprehend…
What did I just say to her, someone who would never heal from her wounds?
As I struggled with confusion and regret, I managed to turn my gaze towards the girl behind me, only to see tears welling up in her eyes.
I couldn’t help but gasp.
And then, as I tried to gather my thoughts to apologize to her…
“…I never want to hear your voice ever again.”
I lost my voice, just as she wished.
＊ ＊ ＊
“(From then on… I couldn’t stay at that middle school anymore. I talked it over with the school and transferred to a neighboring middle school.)”
The story I heard from Shiori weighed heavily on my heart.
When I’ve heard everything, I don’t know what to say in response.. I frowned, unsure of what to say or how to approach her.
It was too much to simply say, ‘That must have been tough,’ or ‘I’m sorry.’
Her past was so tragic that it was drenched in sadness.
“(Even at the neighboring school… I was shunned for a while because of rumors and stuff… But there was a childhood friend, Renji, who lived in the same neighborhood. Renji… was always by my side at school.)”
“…”
“(I know that I shouldn’t be living a normal life like this. But… ever since the accident, Mom has been treated harshly by others… But Mom always stays dignified and believes in Dad, even if she’s criticized… She always acts cheerful in front of me. So… I can’t make Mom any more sad. I have to keep looking forward as much as I can.)”
“…”
“(Even if I say that… I can’t speak anymore, so I’m sure I’m making my mom sad after all…)”
As she spoke, a self-deprecating smile crossed Shiori’s lips, squeezing my chest and making me ache.
But the girl in front of me…
She trembled with anxiety, desperately trying to hide her shaking hands from me, struggling to resist her fear. She had borne this pain alone until today.
She had shattered her heart to the point of losing her voice, yet she had bravely carried the ‘guilt’ until today.
Her father, whom she loved so much, was degraded and despised.
Still, she was just trying desperately to protect her family.
To preserve the precious memories with her beloved family. To ensure that the time spent with her cherished family would not be erased, despite the cruel fate, this twelve-year-old girl fought desperately.
Knowing Shiori’s past and the reason behind her losing her voice, I vaguely thought that something might change.
Thinking such things lightly and pretending to be her hero alone, I was truly just a fool.
── After hearing about Shiori’s past, I realized once again how shallow and immature I was.
What was Shiori feeling when she heard about my father’s story from me?
How did she feel, listening to my story, digesting it, and giving me words of encouragement?
How much did she suppress her own feelings and save me, clinging to the past?
“(I’m sorry, Senpai. I’m sorry for burdening you with such a terrible story. Thank you so much for helping me today.)”
Why does God have to be so cruel?
Why did He punish her alone so severely?
With that, she let out another self-deprecating smile and quietly put her cell phone back into her bag.
Only the sound of rain, like a broken radio, echoed in the room, enveloping us in loneliness.
In that silence, neither Shiori nor I resisted, simply surrendering ourselves to time.
— After that, I don’t know how long the voiceless time continued.
But slowly.
Following the pounding heartbeat once again, I took a deep breath and quietly spoke along with the rain tapping on the window.
“…It wasn’t a bad story. But it was a really… painful and sad story.”
“…?”
“For you to tell me that, really… I’m sorry. It was such an insensitive request. But… even so,”
“…”
“…Even so, I’m glad I heard it from you. I’m thankful… that you talked to me.”
At my words, Shiori raised her head.
Though she’s still only seventeen and retains some of her childishness.
Her shoulders bear not only the pain of losing her beloved father but also the loss of her voice to express that pain.
“You don’t have to hold back. It’s okay to cry. I’ll… take it all.”
“…”
At that signal, silently, large tears rolled down Shiori’s eyes.
Down her smooth, white cheeks, one after another, fell the fragments of Shiori’s suffering.
As if to hide them, Shiori covered her face again with both hands. In that moment, I impulsively hugged her.
In my arms. The trembling body and the tears falling became voices, speaking to my heart.
— “I’m sorry.”
I’m sorry for hurting you.
Despite that, I’m sorry for being so positive.
I’m sorry for hurting many people.
I’m sorry for not being able to protect those who protected me.
For my beloved dad. For not being able to protect the feelings of my beloved dad.
— I’m sorry for not being able to speak.
“…Shiori, you did nothing wrong. You don’t need to blame yourself anymore.”
“…”
In my arms. At my words, she shook her head, thinking that it couldn’t be like that, but I rubbed her back over and over again to soothe her heart.
That gentle voice, my heart.
Because all I can do now is hope that she won’t suffer anymore.
Just for now, I earnestly wish she would entrust all of her pain to me.
Please. She’s here with me now.
(— Senpai. I’m sorry for causing you so much trouble.)
While earnestly wishing that the kind girl wouldn’t disappear into the vortex of sadness…
(I’m sorry.)
I tightly held onto her trembling body in my arms, not wanting to let her go.
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『Geranium（ゼラニウム）』
Determination・Comfort.
With you, I am happy.
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