VOLUME 4 — WINTER
Chapter 16: Snowdrop
“So, you haven’t seen Itsuki-senpai since then?”
The uniforms had already transitioned to winter clothes. It was getting to the point where one couldn’t withstand the cold without a coat.
As Ayu-chan spoke, wrinkles furrowed her brow incongruously against her beautiful face. She sighed deeply.
“(…Yeah. I haven’t met with Senpai.)”
Ayu-chan let out an ambiguous smile and lowered the corner of her eyebrows in a wistful manner.
── Since then, no matter how many times I tried to contact Itsuki-senpai, I never received a response from him.
But still, I couldn’t bring myself to give up. I went back to the high school Itsuki-senpai attends, met with Aki-san, and talked things over.
And then, Aki-san informed me of Senpai’s current situation and circumstances.
As a result of that incident, Senpai moved out of the apartment where he lived alone and was now living with his father.
On the day I heard this from Aki-san, I went to the door of the apartment Senpai used to live in. The tag listed as [SOUMA] that had been there when I last saw him was now gone.
Feeling an indescribable loneliness, I realized how selfish I was.
And, as if understanding my feelings, when I pleaded with Aki-san to let me meet Senpai, Yuki-san said with a sad expression:
“…Itsuki said he doesn’t want to meet with you, Shiori-chan.”
Once it was said so clearly, my heart couldn’t bear to run away. I couldn’t resist the overwhelming sadness.
But even so, I realized that it was a matter of my emotions. Persistently asking for it would only cause trouble for both Aki-san and Itsuki-senpai.
In truth, I desperately wanted to see Itsuki-senpai.
I can’t help but worry about Senpai, and I don’t think I’ll be able to shake the anxiety that went rampant in my chest until I see his face.
And if I could meet him, although it wouldn’t change anything now, I wanted to apologize over and over again.
I’m sorry for runing his recommendation. It was my fault and because he protected me.
I wanted to apologize directly to him, to say that I’m really sorry for causing him so much trouble.
“I can’t tell you much about the details… but Itsuki is moving forward positively, including with his exams. So, can you wait a little longer?”
But all of that was just my ego. After hearing Aki-san’s words, I realized that Senpai no longer wanted to have anything to do with me.
My kind Senpai and Aki-san probably hesitated to tell me that directly.
If that’s the case, there’s only one thing I can do.
I realized that giving up is the best thing I can do now.
“Shiori, are you really okay with this? I mean, if he doesn’t want to meet up, then I guess there’s nothing we can do about it… but still…”
“(It’s okay. It’s all my fault. Besides, if I get involved with Senpai any more and cause trouble to him again, I won’t be able to get over it this time.)”
As she said this with a small smile, Ayu-chan twisted her face sadly.
…But the truth is, I still want to see Senpai.
Every day, I look for Senpai’s figure on the platform at the station.
I keep having this dream-like thought that maybe he’ll greet me gently like before, saying ‘good morning’.
Even while I sleep, I clutch my phone, hoping that I might get a call from him.
── But… I have to stop clinging to such hopes.
Because even having such hopes might be a bother to Senpai.
According to Aki-san’s story, Itsuki-senpai is now moving forward positively with his exams.
If that’s the case…I’ll support Senpai from afar.
The best I can do right now is to continue to silently support Senpai so that his dreams don’t fall apart.
＊ ＊ ＊
“──Itsuki, are you really okay with this?”
As I watched the image of Shiori disappearing towards the station from my seat by the window, Aki’s plaintive voice reached me.
“It’s fine. If I don’t involve myself, Shiori probably won’t be hurt anymore.”
As I said that while looking at Aki, he raised his eyebrows and turned his gaze towards me.
“…Are you serious? The incident the other day wasn’t your fault. He just got jealous on his own and… spread rumors about Shiori-chan on his own, right?”
“Yeah, that’s right. But if I hadn’t been involved, Shiori wouldn’t have been hurt by those rumors again. That’s a fact, right?”
“But… Shiori-chan probably doesn’t care about that kind of thing. Even now, she’s really worried about you and wants to apologize even a little…”
“Well, that too.”
“Huh?”
”Shiori thinks it’s all her fault that I was suspended from school and my university recommendation was revoked. It was my impulsive actions that caused the problem, not Shiori’s, but she keeps blaming herself. If I meet her now, like you said, Shiori-chan will probably keep apologizing to me. Even if I tell her it’s okay and not to worry, the kind Shiori will still feel responsible… In the end, no matter what I say when we meet now, it won’t help Shiori in the slightest.”
Seeing Aki frown sadly at my words, I quietly formed a smile on my lips.
I understand what Aki wants to say, and I know he’s genuinely worried about Shiori and me.
But this is something I decided for myself.
The answer I came up with after thinking about it in that house, which was still silent for a week while I was suspended from school.
It was a decision I made in that house I hated so much, a decision I engraved in my heart.
…In the past, I couldn’t have possibly reached such a decision.
In that soundless house, alone, drowned only in loneliness, I wouldn’t have been able to find the answer and determination.
The immense anxiety and loneliness I felt as a child.
But now, that place has become a place for me to calmly think things through and find peace in my heart.
No… that’s not it. It’s not that it “has become”.
It’s because Shiori “changed” it.
Because Shiori gave warmth to that house.
So in that place, I was able to reach my own answer and determination.
“…Yeah, Itsuki might be right about that. But if that’s the case, wouldn’t it be better to talk to Shiori-chan more?”
“Thanks. But I’ve already made up my mind. I won’t… meet with Shiori.”
“I see. If you says so, then I won’t say anything more. I’ll support you. But don’t push yourself too hard, okay?”
“I understand… By the way, isn’t this starting to sound like I’m your girlfriend? Tama might get jealous.”
“It should be Mari, not Tama…!”
“Huh? What’s going on!? Did you call me!?”
“Oh, Tama!! Are you done with your supplementary classes!?”
“Well, obviously. With me there, those supplementary classes are a piece of cake. Here, the rest of the reports. Akki, help me out!”
“You still haven’t finished them after all this time!!”
── Despite how selfish I may be, seeing the two of them lively as ever today made me smile softly again.
In a few more days, once this second semester ends, we won’t have much time to spend together as a trio like this at school anymore.
Without a doubt, I can confidently say that my high school life was bright and happy because of these two.
“…I’m sorry, Shiori.”
Contrary to the lively atmosphere, the words softly spoken like raindrops will never reach you or the intended recipient.
Putting my hand on the frozen window frame and opening it, the freezing winter wind brushed against my cheeks.
…Truth be told, I desperately want to see you.
I want to meet you and tell you over and over again that it’s not your fault.
I want your eyes, that were always looking straight at me, to be focused on me alone.
And… I want to convey the determination I’ve engraved in my heart to you right now, in response to those eyes.
Leaning my elbows on the window sill and looking up at the pale, dull winter sky, even my exhaled breath was colored in that white.
It’s as if I’m looking at you and myself.
When I gently close her eyelids, I can see the flower-like smile she showed me every time she saw me, in that ephemeral color like hers – pure white everywhere.
I can’t tell you how many times that smile has helped me today.
How many times have I been guided by it?
── “Hey, Senpai.”
So as not to lose to the freezing cold of winter anymore.
So that that gentle, fleeting flower never withers, I once again firmly tread upon the ground of determination I’ve engraved in my heart.
＊ ＊ ＊
“Shiori, are you stopping by the library today too?”
.── The final day of the second semester of my second year of high school.
After listening to the principal’s long talk as usual, I returned to the classroom. My homeroom teacher gave me some notes on how to spend the long vacation.
Still, our hearts were light after finishing the early day without classes, and each of us was excited for the winter break starting tomorrow.
Meanwhile, as I prepared to leave school early, Renji spoke to me.
Frowning, he still showed a hint of guilt in his expression as he looked at me, but I made an effort to smile brightly.
“(Yeah. I need to return the book I borrowed last week, and there are some new ones I want to borrow. Renji, don’t you have club activities today?)”
“Yeah… no. Today’s an off day.”
“(I see. Sometimes, you need to take it easy. Oh, please tell Auntie that I’ll come to greet her before the end of the year!)”
Taking my loafers from the shoe rack and dropping them to my feet, I turned my back to Renji and slipped them on.
A pleasant thumping sound echoed through the entrance, and I smiled at Renji again and waved as I was about to leave the school───
Once again, Renji’s urgent voice stopped me in my tracks.
“Shiori!! Um… I…”
“(Yeah?)”
“Actually, I heard about it yesterday….So, I…maybe I’m being an unnecessary burden, but…”
“(What are you talking about?)”
“……”
“(Renji?)”
I gave him a hesitant gaze and tilted my head at Renji, who seemed to be struggling to continue, and he, clenching his fist firmly as he looked at me, opened his mouth as if he had made up his mind.
“…That guy. Souma-senpai’s… story.”
“…”
── Senpai.
Souma. The moment that name came out of Renji’s mouth, my expression reflexively stiffened, and I momentarily forgot how to breathe.
Because it’s been a month and a half since I last saw Senpai.
Lately, even Ayu-chan and Renji seemed to avoid talking about him in front of me, perhaps out of concern.
So hearing his name from Renji’s mouth after such a long time made my heart pound like a drumbeat.
Just that alone made me realize that I still haven’t given up on Senpai.
“I’ve been thinking about talking to you all day… but, even though you’re trying to move forward, if I end up dragging you down with unnecessary things… I thought about it and ended up missing the timing to say it.”
True to his words, Renji, in his own way, has always regretted that day.
If he hadn’t gone to see Itsuki-senpai, maybe none of this would have happened.
If Senpai university recommendation hadn’t been revoked, maybe Senpai and I wouldn’t be in this situation right now… Renji continued to blame himself.
But Renji shouldn’t be worrying like that in the first place.
After all, if you trace it back, everything is because of me.
The issue with Senpai’s recommendation, the relationship between Senpai and me, all of it happening now is because of the problems I’m dealing with. So Renji doesn’t need to feel responsible.
That’s why, to prevent the kind Renji from blaming himself even more, I’ve always tried to be cheerful in front of him.
Lately, Renji’s been showing fewer sad expressions, and I thought maybe the guilt lingering within him was fading.
But why all of a sudden?
“…I went to see Souma-senpai.”
“(Huh…?)”
“But… Senpai had already left, I couldn’t meet him in the end. Then, by chance… I ran into the soccer club’s advisor. We’ve met a few times at tournaments and practice matches, so we’re somewhat acquainted. And then… I asked him about Senpai.”
“…”
“Then, Souma-senpai… even though his recommendation was revoked, he’s planning to take the national university entrance exam. Not for the private university he was originally going to attend with the recommendation, but for the public medical school outside the prefecture.”
“(A medical school… outside the prefecture?)”
I couldn’t help but ask again, and Renji awkwardly nodded, saying, “Yeah…” and lowered his gaze.
The private university Souma-senpai was originally planning to attend with the recommendation was a prestigious medical school in the prefecture.
Senpai’s father graduated from there, and Senpai had joked before about it being a good university, especially because it was easy for him to attend.
At that time… even if Senpai had gotten into that university and become a college student, I had a faint hope that there might be a tiny chance, even a one in a hundred of a miracle, where I could coincidentally meet him.
But just as Renji said, if Senpai takes and passes the exam for the out-of-prefecture university, that possibility would almost be zero.
Knowing it’s Senpai, I don’t think he would do something as irrational as spending time and money to commute to a faraway university every day.
If it’s an out-of-prefecture university, Senpai will probably live alone nearby the university.
If that’s the case, it might truly be the end of me ever meeting Itsuki-senpai.
“…The advisor doesn’t know Senpai that well, but even among the teachers, it’s become a topic that Senpai studies like crazy. Although the advisor said the chances of passing were fifty-fifty…”
But that’s not the problem.
Talking about not being able to meet Senpai anymore is not the kind of conversation we should be having.
Senpai, who dislikes showing his efforts in public, is studying desperately without caring about appearances.
Even though I don’t have much knowledge in the first place, I can only imagine how tough it must be just hearing about taking the medical school entrance exam.
To take the medical school entrance exam, which is said to require a retake as a given, how much effort would be needed?
Because it’s Senpai, I thought he would surely pass easily… I naively thought so, but that’s not the case.
Senpai, without exception, must be facing a path as narrow as threading a needle.
“Really… amazing, isn’t he…? If it were me… I wouldn’t have changed things so quickly…”
“(…Yeah, you’re right. But… that’s like Itsuki-senpai, I guess.)”
I smiled wryly at Renji, and he twisted his face again with a pained expression.
Senpai… has always worked hard without anyone knowing.
And now, he’s piling new efforts on top of that hard work, trying to carve out a new path for himself.
No matter how much recognition he gets from others, he never slacks off in the results. He’s always tough on himself.
I wonder how much such he’s is pushing himself…
Just imagining that image makes me want to cry, and I unconsciously grip the hem of my school skirt tightly.
“But, I… hearing that, I started to think that maybe Senpai not meeting you is because of that exam…”
“(…Huh?)”
“Because, you know, the person who was so determined to protect you… it’s unthinkable that he would suddenly cut off contact without saying anything, right?”
I couldn’t help but feel shaken by Renji’s unexpected words.
But I quickly shake off the brief hope that welled up in my chest.
That’s impossible.
Because if there’s even a one in a million chance of that happening, Senpai would surely explain his feelings to me.
There’s no way Senpai would distance himself from me without saying anything… no way he would deliberately hurt me.
“Besides, look at this…”
Despite my confusion, Renji, seemingly confident in his conviction, continued without hesitation.
As he spoke, he took out his cellphone.
With practiced hands, Renji tapped the screen and opened Twitter, showing me a page I hadn’t seen in a while, then handed it to me.
“That tweet… it’s been retweeted a lot. This guy named ‘Kuri Sutiano’ replied to a tweet about you from the account of ‘Iikucchittini,’ the soccer club senior who was spreading rumors about you a few days ago. It was the most retweeted tweet. And even though this guy only has that one tweet, it’s getting a lot of attention and is being retweeted a lot.”
“…”
A screen as blue as the sky.
As I read through it as Renji instructed… the moment I touched the words and emotions written there, warm tears welled up and trickled down my cheeks.
“Shiori… is it really… Souma-senpai…?”
“…”
I couldn’t even nod at Renji, but I touched my mouth with the other hand that was holding my phone, as if to suppress the voice that wouldn’t come out.
Senpai… Itsuki-senpai.
Since that incident. After I talked to my classmates, rumors about me stopped circulating within the class.
But that was only within the class.
Even after Senpai was suspended, I still had some unpleasant experiences for a while due to the rumors.
But at that time, my head was filled with thoughts of Senpai… I didn’t have the luxury to care about what others thought of me.
I was too depressed… I didn’t have the time.
But now, looking back, even that might have been according to Senpai’s intentions. I’m getting ahead of myself thinking such things.
Maybe Senpai intended for me not to hear the voices around me that would hurt me.
Although it’s unlikely, I can’t help but think such things…
Even if no one in the world notices her voice,
To me, always,
only her voice is clear.
Senpai…
I know he’s someone with immense kindness.
Scrolling through the tweet Renji showed me with trembling fingers, various voices lined up below it.
[What’s this? I want someone to say this to me too!]
[Wow, a really cool reply came haha!]
[Hey, a prince-like guy suddenly appeared?]
[Oh, by the way, I heard the guy who runs this account got caught.]
[Rumor has it that the guy who caught him is quite handsome]
[The guy who got caught is quite pathetic, they said.]
[I mean, I don’t care, but the number of retweets is crazy lol]
Those were just a few voices.
Of course, there were also derogatory tweets, but the overwhelming majority were voices supporting this tweet.
“…That tweet was posted on the day Souma-senpai’s suspension was lifted, when Shiori went to see Senpai.”
“…”
“I don’t know if it’s really him… even if I asked him, he probably wouldn’t tell me, but… I believe it’s Souma-senpai.”
Renji’s voice was clear and resolute, and I raised my gaze from the phone, meeting his earnest eyes.
When I did that, my eyes met Renji’s sincere eyes as he looked straight at me.
As if prompted by that, tears trickled down my cheeks again.
Meeting Senpai, getting to know him, and being exposed to him, I realized many things.
The inevitable and accelerating feelings of love that sprouted inside me as I chased after Senpai, who was like a butterfly with fascinating, ephemeral, and beautiful wings.
Senpai, who was always kind and warm.
The more I got to know him, the more I realized he was someone I couldn’t reach, and I was struck by that realization every time.
“…It’s snowing,”
Renji, who seemed to be mumbling words, urged me to look up into the air.
Above, from the pure white sky, snowflakes gently floated down.
Touching it gently in my palm, it felt just like Senpai’s ever-cold hand. With just that, I felt like I could face forward again.
“(Thank you, Renji…)”
“Shiori…”
“(I… I’ve decided.)”
When I smiled while saying this, Renji looked surprised for a moment, but then he looked at me and smiled like the sun.
What I can do for Senpai now.
There’s one more thing I want to do for my beloved Senpai.
…I have feelings I want to convey.
“…”
Taking a deep breath as I looked up at the sky amidst the falling snow, I headed to a certain place.
In this changing season, just once more.
I earnestly wished that, just once more, Senpai and I could be connected.
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『Snowdrop（スノードロップ）』
Hope in Adversity
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