“Should I throw this away?”
“…What?”
As if not hearing his words, Kangwoo raised an eyebrow and Heewoon added in a small voice. I thought you would find the bouquet bothersome to deal with. Kangwoo chuckled, seemingly amused at Heewoon’s hesitant words.
“Are you doing this on purpose because you got on my nerves a while ago?”
Heewoon raised his head defiantly.
“You’re even using your head now.”
“No, it’s not like that…”
“Come here.”
Looking at Kangwoo’s slightly stern face, Heewoon swallowed hard. Then, carefully, he got into the car and closed the door.
“Ugh…”
Kangwoo squeezed Heewoon’s face, making him groan. Kangwoo pinched Heewoon’s cheek, and as he winced, Kangwoo spoke.
“Do you think that I’m such a pushover that you want to play with me?”
“N-No!”
Heewoon’s eyes widened. Kangwoo was the one playing. He had always been doing that from the beginning until now.
“If you do that openly, it doesn’t feel pleasant.”
Smiling hysterically, Kangwoo said.
“Really, it’s not like that. I thought you didn’t like bouquets. It feels like it was a waste having bought it…”
“…I can’t tell whether you’re being sly or not.”
Mumbling to himself, Kangwoo let go of Heewoon’s jaw. He pushed away Heewoon’s hand that came up to touch his own chin and groped it instead. Gently stroking the reddened skin, Kangwoo murmured.
“I don’t dislike it.”
“…”
“If I disliked it, I wouldn’t have stayed quiet when you said those shitty remarks earlier.”
It was a calm voice, and his gaze was gentle.
Kangwoo lowered his head and kissed Heewoon. Their lips lightly met several times before parting. Heewoon’s lips opened slightly as a habit. Kangwoo, looking at the tip of Heewoon’s nose, raised the corner of his mouth. He lightly bit Heewoon’s lower lip, then pulled away.
Heewoon exhaled lazily. The eyes of the two met at a close distance. Frowning, Kangwoo squeezed Heewoon’s cheek with the palm of his hand.
“Even if you look like that, we won’t have sex here.”
“…”
“Even if you want to have sex outside, endure it.”
Kangwoo had a lecturing tone. Heewoon, who had never even had such thoughts, felt unjust, but since Kangwoo was staring at him intently, Heewoon nodded his head.
“Good boy.”
Kangwoo chuckled softly and stroked Heewoon’s head. Throughout the day, Heewoon kept holding the bouquet in the car. Kangwoo had insisted that he hold it, even though it could have been placed in the back seat. At every traffic light, Kangwoo turned his head to silently gaze at Heewoon.
Heewoon was a bit confused about whether Kangwoo was teasing him or not. The slow glances alternating between the bouquet resting on his knee and Heewoon’s face made it hard to believe Kangwoo was deliberately trying to tease him.
***
After the graduation ceremony, Heewoon didn’t meet Seo Kangwoo for several days. He seemed extremely busy. Heewoon, confined mostly to his home, spent time with his mother.
Although her body must have fully recovered, his mother often seemed to lack energy. Every time she looked weary, Heewoon would talk about his brother. There were occasions when Heewoon prepared meals in hopes of lifting her spirits, but his cooking repertoire was limited to kimchi stew, so the menu remained the same. Sometimes, his mother, while mumbling, would say that Heehyun also liked kimchi stew.
Heewoon found solace in the brief moments when he pretended to go out for tutoring. He realized anew that he was really a bad guy.
Lately, Heewoon had been going out frequently, even staying out overnight. Heewoon thought that perhaps if he were present, his mother might muster a bit more strength. However, upon further reflection, he wondered if it was not the case. Maybe his presence made it harder for his mother because then she felt the need to pretend to be okay. Besides, Heewoon alone wasn’t enough for his mother. She needed Heehyun.
She needed someone more because she had been through a lot of difficult things. Even if she did something bad to him, as her son, Heewoon couldn’t let her go. Losing a husband would be much more difficult than losing a father.
Heewoon often said this to himself.
Only on weekends could he meet Kangwoo.
Heewoon greeted the house helper who opened the door, looked around, but couldn’t see Kangwoo waiting in the living room as usual. Heewoon headed straight upstairs.
“You’re here?”
A voice echoed as he ascended the last staircase. Kangwoo stood in front of the bedroom door at the end of the corridor. He remained in that position, arms outstretched as if to hug. Heewoon tilted his head slightly and approached slowly.
When Heewoon stood close enough for their toes to touch, Kangwoo exhaled warmly and pulled Heewoon’s waist. Their bodies pressed against each other completely. As Heewoon stumbled, his foot slipped between Kangwoo’s two feet. Kangwoo petted Heewoon’s head and said.
“I told you that you can call me when you miss me, why haven’t you?”
Gently putting his cheek near Kangwoo’s neck, Heewoon frowned. Seo Kangwoo was really shameless. Hearing that, it almost sounded as if Heewoon should be missing him. As if that were possible.
Really.
“Because you don’t call, I keep thinking about you, Sunbae.”
“…If I call, you won’t think about me?”
Heewoon asked softly. Kangwoo paused, as if he didn’t expect such words. The hand that was stroking his head was so big that it kept brushing against his ear.
“Even if you call, I’ll still think about you.”
“…”
“Maybe I just keep thinking about you, Sunbae.”
Kangwoo stated plainly.
Keep thinking. Heewoon repeated those words in his mind. His mother would think about him and then inevitably about his brother, but Seo Kangwoo was different.
A familiar scent, as comforting as his mother’s smell, enveloped him. Kangwoo’s voice saying he missed him was affectionate. Heewoon thought that being with Kangwoo felt more comfortable than being with his mother, perhaps.
Kangwoo entered the bedroom while still holding Heewoon. Heewoon stumbled backward, fearing he might trip over his own feet. Kangwoo, laughing lightly, jumped onto the bed.
“Ugh.”
Heewoon yelped as Kangwoo’s arm pressed against his side. Kangwoo didn’t care and continued to kiss Heewoon’s cheek and forehead. Heewoon, with his neck cringing, turned his head.
Something caught his eye on the table next to the bed. Instead of the painting that used to be there, a vase with dried Sinensis took its place.
“It’s pretty, isn’t it?”
Kangwoo asked, noticing Heewoon’s gaze. Heewoon nodded vaguely. Kangwoo admired the flowers and playfully ruffled Heewoon’s hair. Heewoon found it strange to place such beautiful flowers in a vase, as they were dead flowers.
“Wouldn’t it be nice if Woo Heewoon was like the flowers too?”
Kangwoo mumbled indifferently. Heewoon turned his head to look at Kangwoo. The words didn’t feel scary, they were just incomprehensible.
***
At the end of winter, Heewoon thought this winter wasn’t as cold as he expected. It had been one of the warmest winters in recent memory.
However, from the moment that one call came, the warmth that felt like spring in the winter began to disappear.
On a weekend morning, Heewoon pressed Kangwoo’s house doorbell, and at the same time, his phone rang. It was an unsaved number, but it was a number he remembered.
–Hey. Visiting your lover’s house?
“Pardon?”
Heewoon was startled and looked around. Since the door was conveniently open, he darted inside.
–I didn’t know Woo Heewoon had such a talent-
“W-What…”
Suddenly, his heart sank.
–Aren’t you fucking with the owner of that house?
“N-No.”
–Don’t deny it. The atmosphere looks a bit fishy. Damn, it’s the end of the world these days. Homo guys openly staying together.
Heewoon paled as he listened to the continuing words, as if he were talking to himself. His feet on the grass stopped as if they were frozen in place. Memories of going to Kangwoo’s graduation ceremony came to mind.
‘I heard Seo Kangwoo has a girlfriend?’
‘He was being really affectionate.’
The image of Kangwoo looking for him and the expression he had when their eyes met, the voice saying he didn’t dislike the bouquet, flashed in Heewoon’s mind.
He felt afraid. It wasn’t just the fear of rumors spreading that he was gay. It was the fear of appearing to others as if Kangwoo and he were a couple. The relationship that he wanted to cut off immediately was being perceived as a romantic one.
–Your lover looks really wealthy, won’t he pay for your debts? In that case, we might…
“It’s not like that!”
Heewoon abruptly interrupted the string of words. Speaking in a slightly subdued tone, he added.
“H-He’s just a junior.”
-Just a junior, my ass. It’s obvious from just one look. The money you send us is from that guy, right?
“N-No.”
–Well, talk nicely to him and get more money.
“Really, he’s just a junior… a close junior. We’re both guys, so I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Heewoon tried to speak calmly, however his heart felt as if it was leaping out.
“Does that guy know about your debt?”
After a brief hesitation, Heewoon replied, yes.
–Really? Then, maybe you’re not. Well, we won’t lose anything. It might even be better if you were.
The man muttered.
–Then have fun with your close junior.
“Yes.”
The call ended with a friendly tone. Heewoon gave a long sigh.
“Was that about me?”
Heewoon was startled, turning his head. Kangwoo, who had been sitting with bent knees, slowly stood up.
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