“Don’t mention it. I have to go to work now, can you stay here alone?”
Kangwoo looked worried. Heewoon nodded drowsily, and suddenly, as if on a whim, Kangwoo pinched his cheek hard. Heewoon made a yelp.
“If you need anything, call me.”
“Okay.”
Kangwoo, with his disheveled hair, got up. Watching him fix his tie, Heewoon asked.
“When will you be back?”
“In the evening.”
After answering, Kangwoo stared intently at Heewoon. Their heads gradually drew closer. The upper lip that touched first was sucked and their eyes met again, before tongues were involved. It was a ticklish and warm kiss. A kiss similar to a morning.
After Kangwoo left, Heewoon sat there quietly. Upon waking up in the morning, he noticed a spacious table right next to the bed. On it were water, snacks, a few books, and even a phone.
Heewoon looked at the phone within reach. His mother would be worried. He should call her quickly. However, he only thought about it and didn’t move his hands.
Let’s do it after lunch, Heewoon thought.
After having lunch, his thoughts changed. His leg hurt, maybe he could take a short nap and then make the call. That thought changed again after taking a nap and waking up. Now it was around sunset, and Seo Kangwoo would be coming soon.
Heewoon stared at his hands, moving as clumsily as his broken leg. It took dozens of seconds, maybe even minutes, to pick up the phone within reach. Perhaps a few minutes passed while he hesitated.
After laggingly pressing his mother’s number on the unfamiliar phone, he touched the call button. He heard the signal tone in his ear. His heart raced at that sound.
–Hello?
His mother’s voice didn’t sound bad. Heewoon bit his lip.
–Who is this?
Maybe the phone number had changed.
“It’s me, Heewoon.”
–It’s you, Heewoon?
His mother asked a bit anxiously.
“Yeah.”
–Heewoon, is my son okay? Where are you now? Huh? Did you get hurt anywhere?
Hearing his mother’s voice, full of worry, Heewoon bit his lip again. His bulging leg came into view.
“I’m fine. Mom, are you not hurt anywhere?”
–Yeah, I’m fine. When I asked them about you, they wouldn’t say anything at all. You don’t know how much I was worried for you.
‘What? Is that Woo Heewoon?’
Far away from his mother’s voice, Heewoon could hear his brother’s voice.
‘Just where and what is that punk doing now? No, fuck. And what’s with the guy who saved us. Give me the phone.’
–No, Mom will talk to him first.
Heewoon heard the sound of his mother moving somewhere and the sound of the door closing. His brother’s voice, shouting that it was suspicious, was cut off. Heewoon took a small deep breath.
“Mom, are you still at the hospital?”
–Yeah. While I’m here, he said to take all sorts of tests. This one secretary person said so.
I see. Heewoon gave a mechanical response. His mother, who received favors from someone she probably wouldn’t even know, wasn’t frustrated.
–That young man. Who is he?
His mother must have seen Seo Kangwoo.
Heewoon recalled the expression his mother had when he last saw her as he left the operating room. It was a mix of shock, sadness, fear, and relief, all in one mess.
–Why did he only take you? Heewoon, are you really okay? Just in case, if…
“No, it’s not like that.”
Heewoon shook his head, simultaneously feeling a bit relieved. It seemed like his mother hadn’t witnessed Seo Kangwoo breaking his leg, or him crawling like a bug while tied up, or pleading not to be abandoned.
–He seems like a scary person. If he mistreats you…
There was a bitterness in her voice. Perhaps, she might have seen Kangwoo pummeling the back of the man’s hand, beating him mercilessly.
“He’s good to me. He saved us.”
–Still, come over here right now. Yeah? Should Mom come to pick you up?
Listening to the voice pouring out concern and fear, Heewoon opened his mouth.
“Mom.”
Heewoon still had a slightly hoarse voice.
“If I’m not with this person, those loan sharks will come back.”
–….
The continuous flow of his mom’s voice, full of worry and fear, was cut. But it soon continued.
–We can just run away abroad. That was the original plan, right? Yeah?
The voice she tried to make firm had many flaws. Heewoon couldn’t forget his mother’s face when she was dragged into the van. There was one emotion in her eyes, visible over the thick hands blocking her mouth.
Resignation.
Just like at that moment, Heewoon knew his mother would frequently lose the will to escape and might someday be unable to endure that life.
“Mom, for the past few months, I actually haven’t worked part-time. This person gave me money, and I could eat delicious food, buy everything I wanted. I slept well, and I studied a lot.”
Although no words came through, Heewoon sensed that his mother was listening.
“If we’re together, I can do everything I wanted. I don’t have to pay off debts, and I don’t have to work part-time.”
–…….
Beyond the phone, his mother took a deep breath.
–To Mom,
His mother coughed and continued.
–It feels like I’ve just sold my son away…
“No. Mom, you can have a comfortable life now. And Hyung won’t have to run away. He should be able to do something here in Korea. He almost died for real.”
Even if his mother woke up late, she must have seen his brother lying on the operating table. It was shocking even for someone like Heewoom who resented him, but for his mother, it must have been more overwhelming.
Heewoon bit his lip. His mother, who always pretended to be okay and hid her tears, was sobbing because of himself. Hearing the sobbing cries, Heewoon’s eyes turned red too.
–Mom, Mom is really sorry…
Before making the call, Heewoon already knew his mom would give up.
“No need to apologize. That person…”
His mother just cried. It was time for Seo Kangwoo to return. Heewoon pressed hard on his eyes before he spoke.
“He’s my lover.”
Then, when he turned his head, he noticed Kangwoo standing at the door. Their eyes met. Kangwoo didn’t leave that position, only staring at Heewoon.
–…Do you guys like each other?
“Yeah.”
Heewoon answered, also without taking his eyes off Kangwoo.
–…That’s good to hear… Is he really good to you?
Heewoon’s greatest worry was how his mother would react to the fact that he’s gay. However, it seemed like his mother, who was suddenly hit with things most people wouldn’t experience in their lives, thought it was not that big of a deal.
“He treats me very well. Mom, I’ll stop now.”
–Okay. Can Mom… call you with this number?
Yeah. Heewoon answered shortly before ending the call. Kangwoo was still in his place. Mmm. He cleared his throat. Tilting his head at an angle, their eyes locked, Kangwoo said.
“Am I Sunbae’s lover?”
Heewoon stared blankly at Kangwoo and then shifted his gaze to the phone.
“I’ll fix what I said to my mom.”
Watching the finger move as if about to make a call, Kangwoo furrowed his brow. Stepping forward, he took the phone away from Heewoon.
“Huh?”
“What are you going to tell her? I’m just your junior?”
“…Yeah.”
With a mischievous expression, Kangwoo pulled strongly on Heewoon’s ear.
“Ack!”
There was a cracking sound, like something breaking. Maybe something might have happened to his cartilage. Watching Heewoon getting teary-eyed and fumblingly touch his ear, Kangwoo clicked his tongue.
“It really hurts…”
Heewoon felt unfair. Kangwoo shook his head and gently pushed Heewoon’s hand away, then tenderly cupped the ear. At the tickling touch, Heewoon lifted his head and looked up at Kangwoo, who spoke as if frustrated.
“When you’re being pretty, please only just be pretty.”
Kangwoo immediately kissed him. He stroked Heewoon’s cheek and kissed his ear, then pulled away and sat down on the bed.
Kangwoo’s hands were constantly touching somewhere on Heewoon’s body. Kangwoo would stroke his shoulder, brush his hair back, or hold his chin to get a closer look at the bruise above his cheekbone.
As Heewoon shifted in his seat, feeling uncomfortable with his posture, Kangwoo adjusted the pillows. Tapping the pillow, Kangwoo said.
“The new semester starts next Monday…”
“Yeah.”
Kangwoo sat properly and glanced at Heewoon’s leg, saying.
“With your leg like that, it’s going to be inconvenient to go to school.”
“…Should I take a leave of absence?”
“Will you be okay with that?”
Kangwoo’s face looked affectionate as he asked that. Heewoon nodded with a slightly pale face. Kangwoo lightly patted Heewoon’s head.
“I’ll cancel saying that you’re tactless.”
He said it with a faint smile, but Heewoon swallowed dryly. He remembered how Kangwoo had muttered that there were still many things he could do with one broken leg.
“Kangwoo.”
“Yes.”
Heewoon’s pupils shifted uneasily.
“L-Later, if you break my leg again, will you do it after giving me anaesthesia?”
It was a very cautious but important request. Heewoon didn’t want to experience that dreadful pain again.
Looking at Heewoon’s tense face, Kangwoo touched his forehead and turned his head. Ah. Why are you so cute saying such idiotic words? Muttering softly, he seemed to find Heewoon’s words amusing.
Returning his gaze to Heewoon, Kangwoo laughed. He sighed languidly and pulled Heewoon into a hug.
“I’ll think about that.”
“…”
He didn’t give a definite answer, neither about breaking another leg nor about using anesthesia when breaking it. Heewoon leaned his forehead against Kangwoo’s shoulder, with the corners of his mouth slightly lowered. A large hand gently stroked the back of his head.
“Take a leave of absence, and stay at home for a while.”
“Until when?”
Until I want to let you out. Resting his nose on the back of Heewoon’s ear, Kangwoo whispered. His lips traced the outline of a smile.
“Yeah.”
“Is it okay, even when you can’t see anyone?”
Kangwoo asked bluntly. And Heewoon nodded.
“I said that I would see only you.”
At those words, Kangwoo lifted his head from Heewoon’s shoulder. He cupped Heewoon’s cheeks, and kissed him. So hard that his pressed lips hurt a little.
“If only you could have behaved this prettily from the start, I would…”
I would have gone easier on you. He swallowed the words he was about to say, then softly murmured.
“I would adore you even more.”
To Sunbae, I’m now the most important person.
Seo Kangwoo whispered with a smile. He was right. Tilting his head, Heewoon suddenly looked out the window. The reddish sunset glow of dusk was seeping in. Until a little while ago, it would already be completely dark at this hour.
The eyes reflecting the red light locked onto Kangwoo. He seemed to be in an awfully hood mood, whether it was because Heewoon said he would see only him, or because he was taking a leave of absence, or because he mentioned Kangwoo was his lover.
Could it be that Seo Kangwoo really thinks of them as lovers? Heewoon knew that Kangwoo liked him in some sense, but he didn’t consider that as love. Similarly, when Heewoon told his mother he had a lover, it wasn’t for that reason either.
There was no way to express this violent relationship, almost destroying himself, with such an emotional word. So what name should be given to it?
As Heewoon gazed at Kangwoo, beautifully illuminated by the sunset, he was lost in thought. Kangwoo smiled so beautifully that it could enchant people, yet he had no hesitation in killing. Kangwoo came to save him but also ended up breaking his leg.
“Sunbae.”
“Yeah.”
“What are you thinking?”
“Just…”
“You don’t have to worry about the debt anymore, it’s okay now.”
Heewoon’s lips slightly parted. Perhaps Kangwoo had paid off that debt that had swollen to tens of billions.
“Even if you don’t pay the debt, I’ll make sure no one bothers you.”
Kangwoo laughed and gently cupped Heewoon’s cheek. Heewoon realized it. The debt was still there. Even if Heewoon had chosen Seo Kangwoo, he still left the trap open.
If Heewoon left Kangwoo’s side, it would be hell once again.
A fair hand rested still on the bed, its nails scratching the sheets. Heewoon, with vacant eyes, kept bothering the bedsheet with his fingertips, putting his gaze on his feet.
“Instead of rolling your head unnecessarily and causing another accident, just ask me for anything.”
Kangwoo, watching Heewoon silently, poked the forehead with his finger. A low voice followed.
“Then I’ll let you know in advance whether I’ll get angry or not.”
The sunset illuminating Kangwoo’s face dimmed. Consequently, he looked even warmer.
“Your answer?”
“…I’ll do that, Kangwoo.”
Kangwoo’s finger dropped from Heewoon’s forehead. The hand that brutally beat those who tormented Heewoon lightly touched his nose and gently cupped his cheek.
“I’ll continue to protect you.”
“…Continue?”
Heewoon mumbled absentmindedly. Then Kangwoo tilted his head.
“Were you planning to leave after spending some time with me?”
“No, no! I never thought of that. I just… I was curious how long it would continue.”
The tightly stretched bedsheet wrinkled a bit under Heewoon’s hand. Kangwoo spoke slowly, his eyes searching for the pupils visible through Heewoon’s lowered lashes.
“Some people repay a lifetime of gratitude to the person who saved their lives.”
The palm caressed Heewoon’s whole cheek. Then, slipping down like a slide, Kangwoo grabbed his chin. Heewoon, with an uneasy gaze down, lifted his head.
“I saved Sunbae twice, didn’t I?”
Kangwoo said. Without mentioning the fact that both times were his own doing.
“Twice?”
Heewoon, who had been pondering for a moment, thought that it included saving him when he witnessed the murder. So he nodded. Kangwoo looked at Heewoon with a soft smile.
“You owe me twice, how long do you think it will take for you to repay me back?”
Kangwoo’s pupils stared into Heewoon’s eyes. Heewoon had to repay Kangwoo’s favor. If it were a few days ago, he would have accepted it awkwardly, but now it came out naturally.
“A very long time…”
Heewoon hesitated in his words, and Kangwoo lightly laughed. Then, mimicking Heewoon’s words, he said,
“Yeah, a very long time.”
At that moment, the hand that had been tormenting the bedsheet came to a halt, as if it had been waiting for those words.
Something suddenly touched Heewoon’s fingertips on the bed. Looking down, he realized it was Kangwoo’s fingers. Heewoon’s hand twitched, and it brushed against Kangwoo’s fingertips.
In response, Kangwoo’s well-shaped hand brushed over Heewoon’s hand, covering the back of his hand. It felt reassuring.
In this situation where one should feel suffocated or desperate, Heewoon felt a sense of calmness, making him see visions of the future and cling to hope. He wanted to be embraced by the arms which caused multiple crimes he had witnessed.
Heewoon was completely broken now.
He knew there was no turning back now. The currents had brought him far away, the water that wrapped him felt familiar. Sometimes the whirlpool was too violent, yet his body only swayed in its place.
The worst part was that the desire to turn back had completely disappeared. Moreover, this violent wave would take him to a place he had never been before. A place he had never dared to dream of when he was in his original position.
His quick-witted brain even listed several advantages.
He didn’t need to pretend, he didn’t need to be strong, and he’s not alone.
Then he thought.
Despite being broken, he was radiating light.
“No matter how much I think about it, I seem to always be at a loss. Sunbae has nothing except for being pretty.”
Despite his grumbling words, Kangwoo was smiling very sweetly. Still looking at his face tinged with red, Heewoon realized that winter was over.
The chaos where he stayed was entirely uncertain. It was an ambiguous world where there was no right or wrong, his emotions had no kind of form or name.
The only certain thing here was one. Heewoon desperately needed Kangwoo.
Just imagining a world without Kangwoo was already terrifying to Heewoon.
<Formless> the end.
There will still be 30~ chapters of epilogue after this, so don’t leave yet!
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