Su Xinghe stammered, “S-same bed… we just lay there for an hour, nothing else happened.”
“Is lying down together not enough? What more do you want to do?” He glanced at her, his eyes slightly narrowed. “Don’t think I don’t know what you’re pondering. You’re older now, understanding more about these things, curious to try, huh? What do you mean by ‘giving up because it’s broken’? Who’s broken here? You’re an official in my palace. If I wanted to do that with you, it’s not impossible. But you must understand childhood bonds, genuine feelings… they’re precious.” As he spoke, he sighed deeply, almost as if talking to himself, muttering, “What is a woman worth… Genuine feelings are the rarest, the most precious.”
That threshold it would be so easy to cross. He was a pure person, someone with incredibly high standards for emotions. If there weren’t mutual affection, simply doing that would reduce her to the same as any other woman in this confined palace, where each day would be spent scheming and calculating, gradually decaying into corruption and mundanity. He couldn’t bear to see her become like that, so he refused to act.
He dared not touch her, indeed. He could hug her, hold her, but he couldn’t cross that line. He wouldn’t take advantage of her without giving her a title. If she didn’t want that, if her ambition for power didn’t die, she would be a huge threat to the dynasty in the future. Whether it was affection or love, it had not reached the point of recklessness. For others, perhaps he could give all, but for him, there was always something just short of that. Yet for him, it was already enough.
He looked at her, upset and fuming over the injustice she suffered, and found it amusing. At twenty-two, it was as if she were a ripened fruit, with certain desires beginning to stir though in truth, it wasn’t about her; it was about himself. Everyone in the world thought the same: if the Crown Prince wanted to find a woman, he could do so effortlessly; after all, the palace was filled with them, mountains upon mountains, ready for him to choose from. But who knew what demons or monsters these unfamiliar women might be? They were too much of an unknown, good for nothing but bearing children. And if he wanted to cultivate any real feelings, he’d have to investigate their family history back to the eighteenth generation. With the heaviness of the nation on his shoulders, he didn’t have that kind of time
But now, there was someone right in front of him, someone he’d been circling like raising a venomous insect for ten years, someone he knew well. He had already made plans: after she dealt with Zuo Zhaoyi and her son, he would discuss their relationship. That way, they wouldn’t waste time, it would be killing two birds wth one stone. It is better to marry someone familiar than a stranger.
She was still beside him, grumbling, “Your Highness, you can’t keep treating me this way,” but he pretended not to hear. He gazed into the distance; the sky was vast and clear, and the wind was cold enough to cut through to the bone. Yet, walking like this, he felt a deep sense of peace. That peace, perhaps, came from knowing his marriage was settled. Even if things dragged on until he was thirty, she couldn’t be able to escape him anyway. From this, it was clear how great it was to be the Crown Prince, he could fulfill the fantasies that others dared not even dream of. He also recalled the poem he had learned when he was young, *Chang Gan Xing*:
*”When I first covered my forehead with my hair, I plucked flowers in front of the gate; you rode on a bamboo horse, playing around the bed, teasing me with green plums…”*
What a pure and innocent emotion that was, the kind that many people never experience in their entire lives.
He suddenly asked, “Su Xinghe, do you enjoy being an official?”
Su Xinghe hadn’t expected him to ask such a question and hesitated before replying with a nod. “I don’t enjoy staying in the inner court. I like being an official.”
So, by bringing her into the harem at the height of her vitality, she would not exercise her full potential. How pitiful! But letting her roam freely wasn’t great either, take Lou Yueting, for example, who suddenly jumped into the picture. All these extra complications were just more headaches.
He asked her, “What do you call General Lou Yueting again?”
Su Xinghe muttered with her head down, “I call him Brother Yueting.”
“Do childhood friends all need to be addressed that way? Adding ‘brother’ after their name sounds like you’re very close.”
After saying that, he turned around and walked backward, smiling at her, making her scalp tingle with unease. She swallowed nervously, “Your Highness, please watch your step, be careful not to trip.”
But that wasn’t what he wanted to hear. He began to think seriously. “I was born in February. What about you?”
The second day of the second lunar month. The day when the dragon raises its head it so happened to be the Crown Prince’s birthday. How could she argue with him on such an important date? Su Xinghe sighed in resignation, “I was born in October.”
And then? He continued to smile at her, making her even more flustered. Desperately, she said, “I can’t overstep this goes against propriety.”
“What are you afraid of? There’s no one else here in this narrow path.” He coaxed her, sounding like a sly trickster luring a child. “No one has ever called me ‘brother’ before. Today, I want to hear it. Call me that, just like you call Lou Yueting.”
Su Xinghe furrowed her brows in frustration, looking at him with a sense of helplessness. What was going on? How could no one call him ‘brother’? He had a bunch of younger siblings who all called him ‘Second Brother.’ Wasn’t that enough? She wanted to say, “Your Highness, if you keep this up, I’ll have to summon the imperial physician.” But she didn’t dare. She couldn’t figure out what was going on in his mind. His thoughts were deep and many-layered, perhaps he was trying to figure out if the Lou family was conspiring with Prince Jianping. If she acted recklessly, it would be bad for anyone involved.
As for the Crown Prince, the “brother” he longed to hear was not the kind used to refer to siblings in a family. His eyes were filled with anticipation as he watched her lips open and close several times, but in the end, she gave up.
She finally said, “I just can’t say it.”
“Qingzhu brother, why can’t you say it?” the Crown Prince demanded, frustrated. Yet after saying it out loud himself, he reflected on the fact that as the heir to the throne, even his name was distanced by the honorific “zhu” (lord). It created a barrier between him and others. If it one of his other brothers. Qingzhu’s brother, Qingxiao’s brother, and even his fourth brother Qingfu’s name sounded more intimate. For a moment, the Crown Prince felt utterly disappointed. He turned around dejectedly and walked into the roaring winds through the gates of Fengchu Palace.
Su Xinghe hurried after him. Seeing his response, she felt a pang of guilt. She said, “Your Highness, don’t be sad. Have you forgotten? You still have a childhood name.”
The Crown Prince’s vision darkened, for a moment as he recalled that time. His mother despite being well-read, had chosen such a nickname for him…
“Abao?”
Su Xinghe nodded eagerly. “Abao brother! See, doesn’t that sound so warm and close?”
The Crown Prince’s face twisted into a bitter smile. “Don’t even try. That childhood name hasn’t been used since my mother passed.” They had now reached the courtyard of the women’s quarters. He stopped and lifted his chin slightly, “Go rest. You’ve been busy for days. I’ll give you half a day off. Sleep well, then come back to attend to me.”
Though they had agreed she would return to manage the study, it seemed now that it had merely been said for the sake of appearances. The Crown Prince’s mood was often difficult to grasp, but occasionally, he would show unexpected kindness. It made last night’s intrusion into her room seem insignificant. Su Xinghe relaxed, glossing over the matter in a casual tone, “I came back late last night and didn’t go to Lizheng Hall to greet Your Highness.”
He said, “I know. I came over afterward.”
He didn’t even try to conceal anything. After her initial shock, she had no words.
Seeing her fall silent, the Crown Prince, feeling the need to ease the tension, smiled and said, “I came to ask about the Fang family case. I was going to summon you, but it was too cold. You girls can’t handle the chill, so I decided to come in person. I didn’t expect you to be asleep, so I couldn’t ask my question, but I did see you sleeping. Your sleeping posture…” He noticed her expression full of alarm and chuckled warmly, “I won’t say more, don’t want to embarrass you.”
He just couldn’t resist poking fun at her. Su Xinghe resigned herself to it and nodded, “I’m not as sharp asleep as I am when I’m awake.” After speaking, she knelt and respectfully saluted him, “Thank you, Your Highness, for granting me leave to rest. I’ll take a short break, and at dusk, I’ll return to the hall to serve you.”
The peacock feather on her official hat swayed back and forth under her arm as she left. The Crown Prince stood there, watching her go. Only after she entered the courtyard did he slowly his way toward the front hall.
Su Xinghe returned to her room and, without doing anything else, pulled out her bedding from the cabinet, lay down, and fell asleep immediately. She had no idea how long she had slept, but when she opened her eyes again, the sky had already darkened. Quickly getting up and ready, she made her way to Lizheng Hall. As she entered the side gate, she saw a dozen young eunuchs lighting the lamps. They were raised large red poles topped with intricately carved bronze fixtures, hooking the lanterns neatly into place. The slight sound of the hooks clicking into position came one after another, barely distinguishable in timing. Everyone was completely silent, even their footsteps on the ground were as light and quick as possible. This was the rule of the imperial household. the more people there were, the more composed and unhurried everything had to be.
She lifted her robe and stepped onto the terrace from the side path. She had only walked halfway when Dequan emerged from the hall. This time, he didn’t even go to the duty room, instead standing obediently under the eaves of the corridor. Hearing footsteps beside him, he glanced over and then, like a ghost sneaking up, sidled up to her, signaling toward the hall with his eyes. Su Xinghe didn’t quite understand and asked what was going on. Dequan replied, “The *Old Master* is here.” By “Old Master,” he meant the Emperor.
This was rather unusual. The Emperor rarely came to Lizheng Hall; most major state affairs were usually handled in the Inner Cabinet, and the Crown Prince was often by his side. What important matter had made him come all the way here?
“Has the meal been served?” she asked in a low voice.
Dequan nodded, “His Highness is dining now.”
However, with the Emperor present, not just anyone could appear. She couldn’t enter the hall so she waited outside the corridor with Dequan.
Night had fallen, and a few scattered stars dotted the sky. It was the coldest part of winter, and the wind pierced straight her collar. Unlike Dequan, who was hunched over and cowering from the cold, Su Xinghe stood perfectly straight, entirely on the wall, paying no mind to the chill.
Although the hall walls were thick, they couldn’t completely muffle the sound, and the faint murmur of conversation between the Emperor and the Crown Prince seeped through.
The reigning Emperor was known for his strictness, in governance and in family matters, though there were exceptions. While he might have treated his other children with only moderate affection, he held a special fondness for the two sons left by Empress Gong. As he spoke with the Crown Prince, his tone was full of care asking about his studies and yesterday’s visit to the elders outside the palace. The Crown Prince responded with clear, organized answers, and the Emperor alternated between praise and guidance, sounding very much like a kind and attentive father in an ordinary household.
On one side, the sound of the wind, and on the other, warm conversation. Strangely, the two blended harmoniously on this cold night. Inside the hall, the voices rose and fell. When they spoke quietly, it became difficult to make out the details. They were discussing the issue of the Crown Prince’s consorts again, a likely topic during these father-son talks, and she was mentioned in the conversation. She vaguely heard the Emperor say. “the daughter of Su Yu Jin.” Next to her, Dequan quietly clasped his hands and gestured as if to congratulate her. She ignored him. The Crown Prince’s voice was clearer; he said, “We’re doing fine. Please don’t worry, Father.” He reminded the Emperor that Father himself had been nearly thirty when he had been born, while he and Su Xinghe were only twenty-two there was plenty of time.
The Emperor was less reassured. “True, but think of it like a farmer tending his crops. you can’t water just one seedling. For a royal family, the continuity of the dynasty is of utmost importance.”
At this point, Dequan stopped gesturing congratulations and strained his ears even harder to listen. Finally, the Crown Prince said, “I only want her.” Dequan responded with exaggerated gestures, sticking out his tongue and bowing dramatically in disbelief.
The Emperor sighed deeply. “You remind me of my younger self. But in the end, even I had other women besides your mother. In this world, no one can live solely by their desires. Even I couldn’t avoid that. You’ve surely heard the recent rumors in court…” His voice then became lost in the swirling wind.
Su Xinghe clenched her hands inside her sleeves, understanding that the Emperor had come to give the Crown Prince a heads-up. The pressures from all sides were becoming too much for him to bear, and he was finally considering appointing a new Empress. If this conversation were with Prince Xin, he might bluntly say, “If the Imperial Concubine becomes Empress, her son will surely be the next Crown Prince.” But with the Crown Prince, he was far more considerate of his father’s position.
“It’s not easy being Emperor. Only I know how hard it’s been for you, Father. The stability of the state depends on the balance between Heaven and Earth. For years, you’ve kept the position of Empress vacant for my sake and my younger brother’s, and many ministers have grumbled about it. You’ve carried this enormous burden alone, and I’ve seen it with my eyes. it pains me deeply. Now that we are grown, Father should finally take a breath. Whether an Empress should be appointed or who that Empress should be is entirely up to the judgment. We will follow your decision without objection…”
Su Xinghe looked up at the sky. tonight, the moon was a thin silver crescent, and the northern wind was so strong that even the halo around the moon seemed ready to disperse.
After about the time it took to drink two cups of tea, the Emperor prepared to leave. The entire Eastern Palace knelt in unison to see him off. Once the imperial entourage passed through Chongjiao Gate. The Crown Prince finally stood up. He said nothing more but glanced at Su Xinghe. Understanding his meaning, she quickly lowered her sleeves and followed him inside.
