Sunday, the day after. Once again, I found myself on my way to the hospital. Normally, I’d only visit on Saturdays, but I just couldn’t relax, so I decided to go again.
When I told Mai, she said she’d come along too, so we agreed to meet at the station as usual.
“I’m really sorry about yesterday. My mom was completely out of line.”
Mai lowered her head apologetically as we rode the train.
“I told you on the phone not to worry about it. No one’s to blame here.”
Today’s gift for Kazuki was flowers. Games were probably a no-go at this point, and he hadn’t had much appetite lately, so I thought flowers might brighten up his hospital room.
“My dad said he’ll be a little late, but my mom should be arriving soon. I think she’ll probably get there around the same time as us.”
“Got it. I should properly apologize to her about yesterday too.”
“P-Please, don’t worry about it. It’s my mom’s fault, after all.”
“No one’s at fault here. We all just want to do something for Kazuki.”
“…Yes.”
Mai went quiet after that, and I didn’t have anything else to say either. Instead, my mind drifted back to the same thought that had been with me since yesterday.
What’s really best for Kazuki? What can I even do for him?
As soon as we arrived at the hospital, Mai’s phone chimed with a message.
“It’s from my mom. She says she’s here.”
“Alright.”
If she’d come just a bit earlier, the three of us could’ve gone to his room together, but oh well.
After greeting the usual nurse, we headed down the now familiar path to Kazuki’s hospital room. As we got close, though—
“—What’s the meaning of this, Kazuki!”
An angry voice echoed from inside the room, stopping Mai and me in our tracks. It was unmistakably Sanae’s voice.
We rushed in, and there was Sanae, clutching a disposable chopstick wrapper, scolding Kazuki.
“Why haven’t you made any progress? What on earth were you doing yesterday?!”
“…I’m sorry.”
Kazuki curled up miserably in his bed.
On closer look, there was a faint glow under his sheets. Noticing it too, Sanae yanked the covers back, revealing a still-lit handheld game console.
“Kazuki, were you playing games all day yesterday?! What happened to the promise you made with me?”
“W-Wait, Mom!”
Seeing that Sanae looked ready to pounce on him, Mai quickly restrained her. I stepped in too, standing between her and Kazuki.
“Stop playing these games! They’re useless! If you waste precious time on such trivial things, you’re going to end up with regrets you can never fix!”
“Calm down, Mom!”
Held back by Mai, Sanae’s harsh breathing was directed straight at me. Her glare was sharp, as if I were an enemy.
It’s your fault for interfering.
That was what her gaze seemed to be saying. Even if she didn’t say it out loud, I was sure she was thinking it. Her eyes practically screamed it.
“…Mai, come with me for a bit.”
Sanae steadied herself, then led Mai out of the room. Now, only Kazuki and I were left behind, with a heavy silence hanging between us.
“…Sorry, Kazuki.”
“Why are you apologizing, big brother?”
“It’s my fault for giving you that game. You got scolded because of it.”
Kazuki shook his head.
“I was so happy about it. I had fun playing. It’s my fault for not listening to Mom.”
At his heart-wrenching words, I couldn’t think of anything comforting to say.
I sat down in a chair, and after a moment, Kazuki spoke up.
“I’m going to die soon, right?”
A chill settled over me, cold as swallowing a block of ice.
“…What are you saying? Don’t talk nonsense.”
It was the first time in my life that I struggled so hard to keep my voice from shaking.
But Kazuki only gave a small smile, as if he saw through every word I’d said.
“My mom and dad are doing all these things for me because they know I’m going to die soon, right? They just want to make sure I have nice things before I go.”
“That’s not it. They’re doing it for you, but it’s not because you’re going to die.”
“Heh, lying like that will make God mad at you, you know?”
So be it. If lying to Kazuki now was wrong, I’d gladly accept the consequences.
“My chest has been hurting a lot recently. The doctors give me all kinds of medicine, but none of it works. When I see Mom and Dad doing everything they can for me, I just… I just know. I know I’m going to die.”
“You’re not going to die.”
“Hey, is Hell a scary place? One of my friends told me there are scary demons there, that they make you swallow needles or take boiling hot baths.”
“You won’t go to Hell! You’ve been such a good kid, haven’t you? Even if God is a bit of a jerk, they still know that. They’ve seen how hard you’ve tried! If they send you to Hell, then they’re no god at all!”
Before I knew it, my voice had grown louder. I couldn’t bear to see Kazuki resigning himself to his fate.
“But I just wanted to talk with everyone more, normally.”
At that moment, a tear slipped from Kazuki’s eye.
“When Mom and Dad come visit, they always ask me to do something for them, but we never really talk. Mai would play with me, but Mom would always scold her… so I was really happy when you came, big brother. We played cards, you told me funny stories, you even gave me a game… I had so much fun. Thank you, big brother.”
Kazuki spoke through his tears, still trying to smile, even with death looming close.
I reached out and gripped his hand tightly.
“—Don’t worry. If you die, I’ll go to Hell with you.”
I wasn’t just saying it to comfort him—I meant it. I truly believed I could do that for him.
“But big brother, aren’t you going to Heaven?”
“No, actually, I don’t have any points either. F-rank. So, I’ll be going to Hell too. You won’t be alone. Even if you die, I’ll stay with you.”
I stroked his head gently, trying to reassure him.
“…No, you can’t. You should go to Heaven and be with Mai.”
“You really want to push Mai and me together, huh? I keep telling you, we’re not like that. Just ask Mai. I’ll go get her.”
I stood up and stepped out of the room. Right now, Kazuki needed to feel the warmth of someone else. I wanted as many people as possible by his side.
I walked around the hospital, searching for Mai and Sanae. They’d probably gone somewhere to talk, and I thought they might be in a nearby rest area.
As I got closer to the resting area, I heard a voice.
“—Yuichi isn’t that kind of person!”
Mai’s angry shout reached me from around the corner, making me stop in my tracks.
It sounded like she was arguing with Sanae. I’d never heard Mai shout like that before—she seemed genuinely furious.
“He must be! Coming to visit Kazuki and giving him such an expensive game—all just to raise his own humanity level!”
“No! Yuichi did it for Kazuki!”
“If he cared about Kazuki, he’d focus on raising Kazuki’s level! But all he does is focus on his own points! He’s just using Kazuki! He’s nothing but a hypocrite!”
“—! …I understand now. It’s people like you, Mom, who made him hate helping others… who made him hate humanity levels!”
“W-What did you just say?”
“It’s people like you, Mom, who made Yuichi hate helping others and despise humanity levels!”
“Wait, Mai!”
I heard Mai’s footsteps as she ran off, and Sanae’s frustrated sigh lingered in the air.
“…”
I couldn’t bring myself to round the corner. I just stood there, drained, a dull ache gripping my heart.
Hypocrite. That’s what she called me.
If true kindness is helping someone purely for their sake, then maybe I really am a hypocrite.
I don’t even know what’s truly best for Kazuki. So, maybe I’m not actually helping him at all.
If Kazuki ends up in Hell because of my actions, if someone were to tell me, “If only you hadn’t meddled, he’d be in Heaven now…” I’d have nothing to say in my defense.
Wanting to fill his remaining days with happy memories—that was just my wish, after all. I was doing it for myself.
“…What is true kindness?”
Does such a thing even exist? What separates true kindness from hypocrisy?
Before I met Mai, I couldn’t judge anyone’s kindness. I saw everyone as a hypocrite.
But maybe it was just my own perspective blurring things. Maybe there were people who genuinely wanted to help others, even without a reason.
How could I tell? How could I explain what was in my own heart?
I want to help Kazuki. It’s the truth. It’s not a lie.
Why?
No reason. I just want to see him smile.
Why?
Because he’s important. Kazuki is a good kid. It’s the truth.
Really?
Or is it… just for my humanity level?
“…Damn it.”
I slumped down in the hallway.
Trying to convey your own kindness to others is far harder than judging the kindness of others. I was starting to understand how Mai must’ve felt all this time—always being questioned, always being asked “why” every time she helped someone.
But there’s no reason. No reason. I just want to help Kazuki. Mai’s the same. She’d help a stranger, even. No reason—just wanting to help should be enough.
Why isn’t it?
“…Then is God right?”
If human intentions don’t matter, if all that counts is the outcome, then God’s approach—assigning points without regard for intent—might indeed be the only fair way.
Pushing my gloomy thoughts aside, I returned to the hospital room. I closed the door and spoke to Kazuki.
“…Kazuki, I couldn’t find Mai, so I came back. What were we talking about? Right, you were asking if Mai and I were dating, but—Kazuki?”
For a moment, I thought he was asleep. His eyes were closed, and he lay on his bed.
But his left hand clutched his chest, tightly, with his nails digging in. His brow was furrowed, and beads of sweat covered his forehead.
It took me three long seconds to realize he was having an attack. Three precious seconds that I’ll never be able to regret enough.
“Kazuki!”
I rushed to his side, shaking his shoulder.
“Kazuki! Kazuki! Stay with me!”
Frantically, I glanced at the call button beside his right hand. He must’ve tried to press it himself. I grabbed it and pressed the button repeatedly, not caring if I broke it.
“…Big brother…”
Breathing heavily, Kazuki’s eyes opened slightly.
“Kazuki! Are you alright, Kazuki!”
“Big… brother… I think… I’m about to see… God…”
“Don’t talk! The doctor’s coming; just hold on a little longer. You’re going to be okay!”
Kazuki clutched his chest in pain.
Until I heard the hurried footsteps of the nurse rushing down the hallway, I held Kazuki’s hand tightly.
