One Saturday in his second year of graduate school, Tao Jun went to work overtime at the company early in the morning, but suddenly came home at noon and pulled Tao Ling, who pulled an all-nighter, out of bed, saying that he wanted to eat rose rice cakes, immediately, and he couldn’t wait another moment.
Tao Ling cursed as he burrowed into the blankets, but couldn’t fight against “power” and was finally dragged into the car. Afterwards, the two brothers drove on the highway for six hours to arrive at Huai City, the capital of the neighboring province.
It was already evening when they arrived at their destination. Tao Jun took Tao Ling to an old town, walked through the crowds into an alley, and bought the last few handmade rose rice cakes of the day.
Tao Ling didn’t like these. He didn’t want it anymore after taking two bites of the one in his hand, so Tao Jun took it and finished it.
The satisfied Tao Jun looked very happy, and said while eating: “For rice cakes with this kind of memorable taste, this is the only place within the whole country that sells them. There aren’t any branch stores either. Seize this opportunity, you won’t get another chance.”
“Can’t we just come back here again?” Tao Ling yawned as he rolled his eyes.
Tao Ling was unfamiliar with Huai City. He didn’t know how Tao Jun found this store in an unfamiliar city, or why he had to come on this specific day.
But Tao Jun was always like this. In private, he didn’t live up to his elegant appearance at all. He would get mad from time to time, and sudden whims and impulses were his daily routine. In times like these, it was his hobby to torment Tao Ling.
Going to different cities just for a snack could be considered nothing. In the past, he had even snatched up Tao Ling at 3am and brought him to an overran cemetery in Lin City, saying that Tao Ling had to become more courageous.
He later received a beating from Tao Ling on that mountain.
It wasn’t until a long, long time later that Tao Ling understood. Every time Tao Jun did these things, he was seeking the strength to continue on through this wantonness.
But that was a story for later.
Getting back on topic to that day in Huai City, Tao Jun insisted on drinking that night. He normally had many social engagements, so he usually refrained from drinking whenever possible. But on this particular day, he was unusually excited. Tao Ling thought he had successfully closed some big deals and was happy, so he joined him for a round.
They found a hotel in the city at night. Tao Ling had finished showering and was sitting on the bed, folding his clothes, while Tao Jun sat on the side and watched some TV. Suddenly, Tao Jun opened his arms and reached out to hug him, smiling as he said, “C’mon, xiao Ling1nickname for Tao Ling, hug gege. You’re the only one gege has now.”
“Fuck off, Tao Jun. Are you crazy? Did your head get wedged between your boss’s door?” Tao Ling retorted, pushing him away forcefully.
Tao Jun let himself fall on the bed, lying on his back, laughing without restraint. As he laughed, his voice suddenly became hoarse. Tao Ling noticed something was wrong and immediately looked back, discovering that tears were streaming down Tao Jun’s face.
That pair of eyes was overwhelmingly bright, yet filled with sorrow.
Even years later, recalling that moment still felt as if it was happening right in front of him. It was a memory that, once touched, caused heart-wrenching pain, making it almost impossible for Tao Ling to breathe.
The two brothers had been mutually dependent2相依为命, an idiom in a “till death do us part” way, but is applicable to any relationships with a strong bond ever since they were little. Tao Jun was both a gege and a parent. He resembled a god, never crying in front of Tao Ling. Seeing this loss of self-control, Tao Ling also panicked and asked in a hurry, “Ge, what’s wrong?”
Tao Jun shielded his face with his hand, and the corners of his lips were still curved upward, yet his laughter sounded even more sorrowful than crying.
Tao Ling was at a loss as he helped to soothe him. After a long time, Tao Jun finally stopped forcing himself to laugh. He only tightly hugged Tao Ling and soundlessly cried on his shoulder. His tears showed no sign of stopping.
It seemed like his tears had been accumulating for more than 20 years, only for them to leave a slight trace in an unfamiliar city, and disappear once dawn broke.
That night was unbearably painful. Tao Ling hated how stubborn memories could be, and did everything he could to convince himself that it was all in the past, only for it to resurface unexpectedly.
His chest heaved violently a few times before he abruptly overturned the box on the coffee table. Still not satisfied, he stood up and gave it a hard kick.
The box skidded across the living room to a corner, and the rice cakes that came from afar were scattered all over the place.
Tao Ling stood in place for a while before taking a few hurried steps back. He pressed his back firmly against the door, forcing himself to take deep breaths.
After a few minutes, as if he were fleeing, he hastily grabbed his keys and phone, and stumbled out the door.
After sitting on a bench in the community garden for a while, Tao Ling’s turbulent emotions finally settled. He left the community and walked aimlessly, only to find himself on the street opposite the school’s west gate.
Before he had realized it, he was already standing at the entrance of the flower store.
Tao Ling turned his head, and found that Wen Qingying had also just happened to look over.
They exchanged smiles as Wen Qingying put down the wrapping paper and stood up.
“Sir, I saw you just now, on the bus.” As he walked over, he handed out his phone.
Tao Ling was stunned, realizing that the glance really wasn’t an illusion.
He forced a slight smile, and replied, “I had a meal with another teacher. So I’m out for a walk now.”
Wen Qingying smiled, and it was so bright and attractive that it made Tao Ling feel a bit self conscious. Glancing at the branches of the tung tree outside, Wen Qingying wrote, “The weather has been nice lately, good for a walk. It’ll get colder soon. Does sir want to come in and sit? I’ll make you some coffee.”
Tao Ling agreed.
Sitting at the table, watching Wen Qingying’s calm profile, Tao Ling’s anger had finally dissipated, leaving only an indescribable sadness fermenting in his chest, growing ever more intense.
The discomfort was overwhelming. Tao Ling couldn’t describe his emotions, only forcing himself to not think about it, and focusing all his attention on Wen Qingying instead.
Wen Qingying’s hands were beautiful. Beautiful when arranging flowers, beautiful when typing, beautiful when holding a pen, beautiful when making coffee…
So when he cups someone’s face, embraces someone’s waist, or holds someone’s hand, it would look beautiful as well.
The coffee was ready. When Wen Qingying raised his arm to grab a cup, Tao Ling, as if possessed, instinctively reached out his left hand, covering Wen Qingying’s right hand with his palm.
Wen Qingying paused, and in the next second, he slightly turned his wrist as if trying to pull away.
With such a move, Tao Ling was startled. He immediately let go, his fingers barely touching as they brushed against Wen Qingying’s index finger. It was as if that was his intention all along.
In that fleeting moment, what Tao Ling didn’t realize was that Wen Qingying’s movement seemed as if he was about to hold his hand in return.
Pausing for a moment, Tao Ling awkwardly smiled. He didn’t immediately look up at Wen Qingying, and instead hastily apologized: “Sorry, I wanted to help you wipe off the coffee powder.”
He raised his hand to show Wen Qingying, pointing to the faint brown mark where he had brushed against him just now.
After taking a clear look, Wen Qingying smiled, then handed him a tissue.
Tao Ling took it and wiped his hand clean. His fingertips trembled uncontrollably. He clenched his fist to conceal the places where he had touched Wen Qingying, and tightly held onto the tissue in his palm.
After the coffee was ready, Tao Ling absentmindedly picked it up and took a big sip, scalding his tongue and causing him to swallow half and spit out the other half. He frowned as he opened his mouth to cool it off.
Wen Qingying turned around and was startled, hurrying to find a glass of water.
Tao Ling waved his hand frantically, indicating that he was fine, but Wen Qingying ignored him and stubbornly poured some cold water for him to drink.
Finally, with water in his mouth, Tao Ling felt awkward. Just as he was thinking of how to make up for it, Wen Qingying suddenly leaned over and wiped the corner of his mouth with his index finger.
Tao Ling was surprised and reflexively leaned back, using the same piece of napkin to wipe away the water stains.
Wen Qingying’s hand paused for a moment, then he smiled faintly, retracting his hand.
Today’s coffee was fragrant, but Tao Ling couldn’t taste a thing.
Maybe it was because his emotionless demeanor was ordinary, or maybe because he was accustomed to hiding his emotions, Wen Qingying seemed oblivious to his unusual behavior and continued calmly wrapping the packing paper beside him.
Finally finishing the last sip of coffee, Tao Ling took out his phone and typed: “Thanks, the coffee was great. I just remembered I still have something to do, so I’ll see you tomorrow.”
After letting Wen Qingying see his entire phone screen, he immediately got up to leave without waiting for a response. Feeling flustered but pretending to be calm, he left the flower shop.
The tall and thin figure had disappeared for quite some time, but Wen Qingying still stared at the doorway.
He lowered his head and raised his right hand to eye level.
After looking at it intently for a long time, he closed his eyes and, gently, with the utmost care, kissed his own index finger.
