The waterside pavilion had a tranquil atmosphere, making it an excellent spot for counseling sessions. Qin Yuanxi had strolled through the entire palace before settling on this location. It was draped with gauze curtains and had enough privacy, nestled behind a lotus pond emitting a subtle fragrance of lotus blossoms. Surrounded by nature, it was relaxing. He had arranged musicians on the other side of the pond to create a harmonious blend of music with the pavilion, neither too loud nor too soft, meeting their needs just right.
Qin Yuanxi meticulously prepared every detail for comfort, yet upon arriving, he felt somewhat constrained. Despite the relaxed environment, he couldn’t relax himself, affecting the ambiance.
“Sit there.” Inside the pavilion were two seats. Qin Yuanxi followed Meng Xuan’s previous arrangement, preparing a spacious beauty couch for Zhao Tuo, with a small incense burner beside it. He sat on a low stool at a distance from the couch, indicating Zhao Tuo to lie down.
“Or maybe take off your shoes, be comfortable.”
“I’ll go light the incense.”
Watching Qin Yuanxi bustling around without any apparent method, Zhao Tuo, holding onto him, pulled him into his arms. “No rush, don’t be so tense.”
“I’m not tense.”
Qin Yuanxi wanted to refute, feeling that he wasn’t nervous. But handling such a big matter required seriousness, keeping him on edge and finding it hard to relax.
“You say you’re not tense, but you’re all stiff and rigid.” Zhao Tuo sighed lightly, whispering in Qin Yuanxi’s ear before nibbling gently on his earlobe.
Qin Yuanxi felt electrified, his body tingling. Zhao Tuo swiftly moved from his earlobe to his lips, initiating a kiss.
As they kissed, things got a bit disorganized. Before Qin Yuanxi realized, Zhao Tuo had pressed him down onto the couch, their clothes all messy, breaths coming quickly.
“Uh, aren’t we supposed to be doing something serious?”
“Aren’t we doing something serious right now?” Zhao Tuo chuckled, pulling Qin Yuanxi’s hand downwards, sensing warmth: “You’re so tense, why not relax first, huh?”
Qin Yuanxi’s earlobe felt warm. He hesitated, neither agreeing nor rejecting, just closing his eyes slightly, tilting his neck upwards with a subtle invitation.
“Ah Xi’s choice of place is really nice.”
The melodic music outside the waterside pavilion, accompanied by the faint fragrance of lotus carried by the gentle breeze, occasionally mixed with some hurried breaths, laden with evident restraint. After a while and a few changes in the melody, the commotion inside the pavilion gradually settled. Qin Yuanxi’s hand rested on Zhao Tuo’s chest, sneakily exploring and feeling the texture.
Touching someone trained in martial arts was genuinely delightful, unlike himself, a mere bookworm; he had nothing to look at. Though Qin Yuanxi lacked it himself, it didn’t stop him from coveting Zhao Tuo.
“Does it feel good?”
“Great.”
Qin Yuanxi’s response flowed easily, blushing afterward. Then, he heard Zhao Tuo chuckle softly, casually draping clothes over his shoulders, straightening him up a bit, before getting up to light the incense burner.
When Zhao Tuo lit the burner, Qin Yuanxi hadn’t fully grasped what Zhao Tuo was planning. It was only after catching a whiff of the sweet scent that his mind gradually returned.
“Now, now?”
Zhao Tuo closed the burner and tidied up the couch before lying down himself. “Hmm, yeah, why not now? Not good?”
“Not that it’s not good, it’s just—”
It felt a bit odd. Just a moment ago, and now they were shifting to a counseling session. Wasn’t that a bit unreliable?
“Should I go back there?” Qin Yuanxi thought maybe he should return to his own spot, maintaining some air of propriety.
But Zhao Tuo swiftly pulled him back into his arms. Qin Yuanxi’s hand continued to roam on the chest muscles. The touch felt truly pleasant.
“No need, let’s not fuss about those things; we’re just going to talk.” Zhao Tuo closed his eyes, lightly stroking Qin Yuanxi’s hair. “Tell me about Ah Xi’s childhood, alright?”
Qin Yuanxi wanted to say, ‘Aren’t we supposed to talk about you?’ How did it end up being about him?
But since Zhao Tuo asked, he openly told everything.
Starting from his fragile childhood health, Qin Yuanxi recounted the playful antics, fishing, and catching shrimps with other kids, eventually working hard through school and the daunting college entrance examination, finally securing admission to his favorite university.
“It’s like the imperial examination, although we don’t call it that way in our region, but it means the same thing.” Qin Yuanxi explained as he spoke. “However, our exams might be a bit simpler, and more people get accepted.”
“Ah Xi must have been the top scorer.”
Qin Yuanxi almost burst out laughing. “You really think highly of me. I was probably around the two thousandth rank within our province, it’s been so long, I can’t recall exactly.”
Back then, Qin Yuanxi felt he had performed remarkably well, but now, he could let it slide.
“You’re the impressive one.” Qin Yuanxi remembered this person was the true top scorer, the national first place.
“What’s being ranked over two thousand in the province?”
“It’s just…” Qin Yuanxi felt a bit awkward explaining, “It’s the local ranking, around two thousand or so.”
Sure enough, as soon as he finished, Zhao Tuo’s expression changed. Qin Yuanxi felt like this guy was now viewing him like a bottom-tier student. He sighed deeply, defending himself, “But it’s different, alright? Our system is different from here. Being around two thousand in the whole province is still okay, really. Though I can’t compare to the top scorers, it’s… different, you know?”
Feeling somewhat wronged, he couldn’t change the fact that he wasn’t an academic achiever.
“No, Ah Xi, you’re good and outstanding. Being the top scorer isn’t everything.” Zhao Tuo held his hand tightly. “You’re excellent.”
Qin Yuanxi remembered; this guy wasn’t just a top scholar in literary subjects but an all-around top scholar! Truly skilled in both literary and martial arts!
Quietly withdrawing his hand from Zhao Tuo’s grip, it was apparent they weren’t on the same page.
“I started serving in the court, and in my second year, a war broke out in the western regions. I volunteered to go to the frontline as the vanguard general, ready for immediate departure with the army. However, the Lu family didn’t allow it. At that time, there was an internal vacancy at the Wen Yuan Library, and they wanted me to become a Grand Secretary and later join the Imperial Cabinet.”
As Qin Yuanxi listened, Zhao Tuo continued, “I refused. The Lu family severely reprimanded me for it. Even though I eventually went to the frontline, the Lu family gave me only a year. They demanded that I return to the court after one year.”
“And then?”
Qin Yuanxi had a general understanding of the situation involving Prince Lu, but not in such detail. He knew that Prince Lu had been to the frontline, fought for his power, but the specifics were unknown to him.
“I found more pleasure on the battlefield than in the court. I spent three years on the frontline, accomplishing numerous feats. The Lu family repeatedly urged me to return to the capital, but as long as the Emperor didn’t order my return, their insistence was futile.”
“Exactly at the time of the Northwestern Alliance’s invasion, the court hoped for my involvement in the battle. I also wanted to crush the barbarians from the northwest to prove my capabilities and persuade them to allow me to stay on the border as a General safeguarding our land.”
“In that battle, I poured all my efforts, determined to win.”
Listening to Zhao Tuo’s solemn tone, Qin Yuanxi sensed there might be more to the story.
“Did you lose?” His voice was hushed, afraid that any loud noise might disturb Zhao Tuo.
“No, I won. We breached the enemy camp and achieved a resounding victory.” Zhao Tuo tightened his grip on Qin Yuanxi’s hand. “In that battle, I lost my most trusted deputy, my… only friend.”
“He died?” Qin Yuanxi felt sympathetic but was unsure how to console him.
“He leaked the military secrets to the enemy, and I killed him with my own hands.”
“What?”
Qin Yuanxi never expected such an answer. His face immediately knotted in sorrow as he hugged Zhao Tuo. “He betrayed you, and you… killed him because…”
“He didn’t betray me,” Zhao Tuo interrupted Qin Yuanxi. “He remained loyal to me. He leaked military intelligence for my sake. Only by losing the battle could I stay in the military camp. Once victorious, the court would certainly summon me back to the capital.”
“Why? What kind of twisted logic is this?” Qin Yuanxi couldn’t comprehend it at all.
Not only him, even Zhao Tuo didn’t understand it back then.
“Later, as predicted by the deputy, when we won that battle, I didn’t receive the recognition and rewards I deserved. Instead, I was summoned back to the capital by an imperial decree, stripped of my military position, and began anew as a mere clerk in the Han Lin Academy.”
Seeing the resentment in Zhao Tuo’s eyes, Qin Yuanxi was infuriated. “Why? Was it the Lu family’s doing?”
“It was partly them.” Zhao Tuo sighed. “In my youth, I was too prominent and attracted jealousy. The Lu family hoped I’d learn from setbacks. They told me that prowess in battles wasn’t true skill; real skill lay in power. Only by firmly grasping power could one avoid being manipulated.”
“Afterward, following the Lu family’s arrangements, I started from a clerk and gradually advanced into the Imperial Cabinet. After becoming a senior Cabinet minister, my first case was against my own teacher.”
Qin Yuanxi felt Zhao Tuo’s fingertips turning cold. “The former Chief Minister of the Cabinet, the closest to the Emperor’s power, was ultimately executed. Over these years, as I climbed up step by step, what have I truly been doing? I have no idea. It’s like drifting along with the tide. The Lu family is no more; I could have taken control of my life, yet I don’t know where I should be heading. Year after year, I’ve lost myself in this maze.”
On this journey, he had killed his friends, his teacher, his colleagues. But what was the purpose behind all this? Day after day, year after year, he had trapped himself.
“I just want to find myself, the true self that belongs to me.” Zhao Tuo held Qin Yuanxi’s hand, placing it on his chest: “It’s really difficult to retrieve the lost self.”
Hey everyone! I just finished one of my TL projects, ‘The Villain Forced Me to Eat Soft Rice.’ It’s an interstellar ABO novel about a cute tyrant King and a hostage Prince couple. Make sure to check it out! ( ˶ˆ꒳ˆ˵ )
Hello, everyone ヾ(＾∇＾). I hope you enjoyed the story! If you’re feeling generous, please buy me a coffee, share/comment on my translated works! Check out the link below for early chapters. (๑>ᴗ<๑)
