RES Chapter 85

TW: Mentions of self-harm

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Lu Ming returned home while almost being lost in thought.

Auntie Zhang was in the kitchen preparing the soup for the evening meal. When she heard the sound, she ran out suspiciously: “Mr. Lu, are you off work so early today?”

Lu Ming muddled up and ripped off his tie. His whole face seemed to have lost its warmth and there was a bit of frustration in his depressed expression. The gloomy eyebrows were huddled together, solidifying into a hard stone.

He stood in place, and everywhere he looked, he could see the scene of Chi Qiu every day after he came home from work. For a moment, he froze, no longer taking a step forward.

Lu Ming looked around his home in silence and there was Chi Qiu’s figure everywhere.

The carpet that Chi Qiu liked, the sofa that Chi Qiu liked, the pillow that Chi Qiu liked, the tea cup that Chi Qiu liked… Every place, every thing, had Chi Qiu’s smile and warmth.

In just one year of getting together, not only his heart was making silent changes, but even his ‘home’ had become his subconscious safe haven.

Lu Ming dragged his steps, unable to walk into the bedroom.

He saw a bouquet of dried roses in a vase embedded in the wall. It was made by him and Chi Qiu together. He still had the video of Chi Qiu from that day saved in his phone.

He didn’t know why he saved it, he only knew that at that moment, he didn’t want to miss any of Chi Qiu’s smile. So in his phone, an extra video file that had nothing to do with work was added.

Lu Ming looked at the bouquet of dried flowers, his dry lips moved slightly, and what came to his mind was still the look on Chi Qiu’s face when he broke up with him.

“Actually, for people like you, it doesn’t matter who you marry.”

So cold, nothing like Chi Qiu at all.

The reappearance of these words was like the reverberation after ringing the bell, lingering in his ears for a long time, slamming his fragile nerves.

He wanted to refute, he wanted to open his mouth and say no. But his throat was strangled by something and he couldn’t make a sound.

How should he explain it to Chi Qiu?

Explain that it shouldn’t be just anyone, explain that he only wanted him to be his partner? What should he take as evidence, how should he convince Chi Qiu?

…

No, no.

He had lost the best time to explain, he always said no to conversation and always could not say what Chi Qiu wanted. How difficult it was to guess the human heart, but Lu Ming could guess Chi Qiu’s heart, he just couldn’t answer it.

In his heart, there was something breaking apart.

And his reason was a broken string of the zither, useless and a trash.

It was only at this moment that Lu Ming realized that he actually had nothing. He didn’t even know what it was like to love someone.

But if the pain inside him at this moment was love, then would this love be too casual? Because, the pain and suffering were the physical memory that had accompanied Lu Ming for several years.

It was not caused by Chi Qiu, but the happiness and joy given by Chi Qiu had been thrown away by Lu Ming for a long time, never having been completely recovered.

Lu Ming’s head hurt so badly. Every word said by Chi Qiu was replayed in his mind, like an old abandoned movie. Lu Ming wandered in the empty space alone, shouting and screaming.

He couldn’t stand the stimulation and stumbled to the cellar. His trembling hands opened bottle after bottle of wine.

He drank it down with a full mouth. The fatigue of a sleepless night was fully manifested at this moment. Lu Ming tormentingly poured wine and he was full of alcohol that soon anesthetized him. He wanted to let himself drift off to sleep.

He would be better only if he slept. However, he couldn’t sleep. No matter how much he drank, he couldn’t sleep.

Thinking that Chi Qiu was going to divorce him and that Chi Qiu was going to leave the house, his whole heart was flustered for no reason. He once thought that Chi Qiu was dispensable to him.

If he could keep the marriage, he would treat Chi Qiu very well; if he could not keep the marriage, even if they divorce after five years, they would be decent to each other.

Now, Lu Ming knew that his understanding was wrong.

He wasn’t decent.

It turned out that it was so hard to quit once you were used to a person’s temperature.

He covered his face and hissed in pain, but there was not a single sound. He was used to repressing, having his normal emotions locked up in his heart. And now they were running amok in the narrow box, crashing against his limited body. He was in pain, helplessly clenching his fists, punching one after another on the hard wine racks.

As the shelves shook, many bottles fell and shattered all over the floor.

The aroma of red wine was mellow, affecting Lu Ming’s dependence. He drank it like crazy, the veins in his neck burst out as his breathing became rough. As if in the next moment, he would die of suffocation.

Auntie Zhang, who came after hearing the sound, was completely shocked. She had never seen Lu Ming like this before. Looking at the mess, the first thing that came to her mind was to call Chi Qiu.

She dialed over and over again, but Chi Qiu’s phone was always off.

Auntie Zhang really had no choice, so she immediately notified Lu Fengshen.

…………

Half an hour later, Lu Fengshen stepped into the Lu family’s villa.

Aunt Zhang led him all the way to the cellar. As soon as the door was opened, the red wine smell in the room rushed to the nose. Lu Ming just sat there in the debris on the ground, staring at the ground without moving.

Lu Fengshen’s expression changed as he hurriedly went forward: “Lu Ming!”

Hearing Lu Fengshen’s voice, Lu Ming moved slightly and the knuckles of his hands went numb. Lu Fengshen stepped over the broken glass on the ground before his eyes immediately locked on the bottle of medicine at Lu Ming’s feet. In an instant, he couldn’t care less about Lu Ming. Instead, he suddenly picked the medicine bottle up and looked at it.

Fortunately, the medicine bottle was full, indicating that Lu Ming did not overdose.

Auntie Zhang thought she had done something wrong so she explained anxiously: “I brought the medicine. Mr. Lu asked me for it, so I went to get it, but he didn’t take it…” She was so frightened that she stammered, even her feet were a little weak.

“Fortunately, he didn’t take it. If he takes too much, there might be an accident.” Lu Fengshen put the medicine bottle on the shelf. When he squatted down, he saw the swollen marks on Lu Ming’s face right away.

Feeling guilty, he softened his tone and asked Lu Ming: “Yesterday, you rejected me with a straight face, why are you wilting today?”

“…”

When Lu Fengshen saw that Lu Ming did not speak, he sighed heavily: “What exactly happened? Do you have to make your house look like this?”

Lu Ming sat indifferently with an empty expression.

Feeling that something was wrong, Lu Fengshen reached out and waved his hand in front of Lu Ming: “Lu Ming? Say something.”

And Lu Ming followed his hand in a trance, moving his eyes a little, while the whole person was lifelessly frozen in place. This appearance, it was the same as when he was seriously ill before, the appearance after he self-harmed.

Lu Fengshen panicked. He grabbed Lu Ming’s wrist and checked it carefully. After confirming that there were no self-inflicted wounds, he was relieved. Holding Lu Ming’s wrist, he pondered for a moment before asking: “You are like this…Could it be related to Chi Qiu?”

As soon as the name ‘Chi Qiu’ came out, the expressionless Lu Ming twitched. He tightened his jaw line and his hands trembled uncontrollably. Just like last night when Chi Qiu came to him, his body went out of control, causing all the organs in his body to tremble with fear.

Lu Fengshen pressed his shoulders hard: “Lu Ming! Wake up, can you hear me?!”

“I…”

Lu Ming spit out a word with difficulty. His face was red as a breath stuck in his chest, he couldn’t swallow, he almost choked to death.

There was a tear streak on his face. After so many years, Lu Fengshen saw Lu Ming crying for the first time. It seemed that from the day Lu Ming lost his memory, he lost the ability to cry and grieve.

Today, Lu Ming wept silently, like a lost child. His knuckles turned white and both hands grasped Lu Fengshen’s hand. He was restrained and desperate, and the box in his heart was knocked off a corner. The emotions that had been closed for a long time seemed to have been cut open, running out one by one with the cracks and devouring him frantically.

He said hoarsely, “I screwed up.”

Gradually, Lu Ming looked at the broken glass all over the floor and the memory came back.

It was a dark, gloomy night——

Lu You took the shards of glass and cut her arm one by one. Her gaze was gloomy, and the blood was sweet with a fishy smell. She smiled coldly, her lithe body was like a wisp of smoke floating in the air.

Her voice was shrill, without any sanity as she babbled selfishly.

She took the glass and scratched it on her, leaving a red streak.

“Xiao Ming, if you go back to him, I will definitely die for you to see.” She was afraid of being abandoned, so she repeated the words relentlessly, tearing at Lu Ming’s heart. “You must not be like your father, you must not go back to him. They are all lying to you, they are all liars…Only mom loves you!”

“…”

“You are the flesh that fell off mom’s body!”

“…”

“If even you betray me…why would even my son want to betray me? I’m crazy, yes, I’m crazy, I’m driven crazy by you guys! It’s you guys! It’s you guys——”

She shrieked.

Lu Ming also let out a roar. The wine he drank on an empty stomach was as strong as fire, tossing and turning, igniting a disaster. Lu Ming fell to the ground and vomited as he clutched his head in pain and whimpered. His fragility, his evasion, and his vulnerability, at this moment all show up in one piece.

In fact, Lu Ming had never changed; he was still so cowardly, trapped in place by Lu You’s death.

He waved his hand hard, trying to wave away these disgusting memories.

But slowly, in his blurred consciousness, he heard the voice of Lu Fengshen constantly calling him.

It turned out that when there was still a trace of breath left on earth, he would not die.

Just like back then, the box of memories could be closed, then it could also be opened.

Perhaps Chi Qiu was right: “The memory is yours, and if you are really willing to retrieve it, you don’t need anyone’s help at all.”

Lu Ming replied to himself: “Yes, I am willing to retrieve it ……”

But Chi Qiu’s voice constantly hovered in his ears: “Maybe it’s because it’s not important to you so you’ve forgotten it.”

Lu Ming shook his head. The tears were pouring down as he desperately denied: “No, no…”

It’s important, but it hurts too much.

 

Lu Ming was very sick and lost a lot of weight.

Lu Fengshen specially gave the shocked Aunt Zhang a vacation for a while. He put aside all his work and moved from the hotel to Lu Ming’s villa, temporarily staying in the guest room and personally coming over to take care of Lu Ming’s food and daily life.

On the company’s side, Lu Fengshen also helped him take care of it.

Also this morning, Lu Fengshen went to Chi’s house, only to belatedly learn from Chi Lanyan that Lu Ming and Chi Qiu were planning to divorce.

The attitude of Chi Lanyan seemed to be very calm, not as if she knew what ‘good things’ Lu Ming had done. Seeing this, Lu Fengshen naturally wouldn’t take the initiative to break it. He apologized to Chi Lanyan and hoped to see Chi Qiu.

However, Chi Lanyan decisively refused him: “Although our Xiao Qiu looks like a gentle child on the surface, his heart is more stubborn than anyone else. Once he has made a decision, he will not change it easily. Since he has decided to divorce Lu Ming, there is actually no room for redemption in this matter.”

“Just let me meet Chi Qiu, I know it’s not good, but Lu Ming…there is indeed something that’s hard to tell you.”

“Mr. Lu, what Lu Ming has done, you and I both clearly know. I’m not going to break it now. I’m trying to leave a thin face for each other. Don’t be difficult.”

Chi Lanyan was smart; combined with Chi Xia’s affairs, even if she couldn’t find out anything under Ji Feining’s obstruction, she wouldn’t be as clueless as a fool.

Lu Fengshen was dumbfounded.

Chi Lanyan’s attitude was much colder: “He doesn’t want to see anyone from your Lu family, please go back.”

“I…”

Chi Lanyan wrinkled her eyebrows and interrupted him impatiently, “Xiao Qiu does love Lu Ming very much, but I really hope you all won’t take advantage of this feeling of his again and again; it’s too nasty. Mr. Lu, I hope you all won’t bother Xiao Qiu anymore.”

She added: “Of course, when we meet again, it should be time for their divorce.”

Lu Fengshen was at a disadvantage, he couldn’t refute any of Chi Lan Yan’s sharp words.

 

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The author has something to say:
Next week’s Lu Ming will become a good Lu Ming! After all, he is very, very, very willing to get his memory back, no matter what kind of pain he will suffer TUT

 

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