Chapter 13: “It couldn’t be helped”
From downstairs, I can hear the voices of people who were students at this school until yesterday.
The sounds of scratching and banging on the completed barricade are constantly heard.
The pain in my back disappeared before I knew it.
Maybe I just couldn’t feel it because the emotional pain outweighed the physical pain.
After that… I carried Mizuno-san ―― Natsumi – to the classroom, which had no desks and chairs, folded her hands over her chest, and put a handkerchief over her face.
When the board that had been pierced through her heart was removed, the blood flowing inside Natsumi overflowed from there. The feeling when the board was pulled out of her body. It came off so easily that it made me wonder if it was actually stabbing a human being.
My hands are dyed bright red with Natsumi’s blood.
Eventually, the amount flowing out decreased, and Natsumi’s body rapidly changed color, and now she was just sleeping soundly in the center of the classroom, like a wax figure.
Tears fell from my eyes again as I foolishly imagined that she would wake up if I kissed her.
I lean against the classroom locker and hug my knees.
“Masaomi……”
I heard a sweet voice.
Kana straddles my lap and slowly brings her face closer to me. I couldn’t hold my knees anymore, and I had trouble finding a place to put my hands.
Kana, on the other hand, smiles lovingly at me, hiding her clear eyes behind her eyelids.
…Kana’s lips stole my thoughts away.
She changes the angle of her face and aggressively entwines her tongue with mine.
Breath and breath mix, saliva and saliva mix, and I fall into chaos.
If you seek it out and interact with it, your sadness will certainly fade. Because thought is powerless in front of pleasure.
When I opened my eyes, I saw Kana’s face, enthralled with her tongue.
Had Kana ever been so fascinated by something?
No matter who she interacts with, she tries to keep his distance and doesn’t actively interact with them.
But she doesn’t refuse. Neither does she invite. That’s why she’s neither hated nor liked.
Because she always had a smile on her face, people didn’t have any bad preconceived notions about Kana, and because she rarely said anything, no one complained of sarcasm.
But it was different for me and Kazuki.
I remember the first time Kana spoke to me.
While Kazuki and I were having a fun casual conversation, Kana suddenly approached me. Kazuki and I interrupt our talk and look back at Kana.
――Can I approach you?
Kazuki and I couldn’t believe our ears because we weren’t as close as we are now, where we called each other by the same name. We even pinched each other’s cheeks to check the reality. I don’t remember doing anything to make her particularly like me.
However, if there is one thing that comes to mind.
It’s the atmosphere.
Mine and Kazuki. Kazuki and I got along so well that I wondered if there were other people who got along so well with each other. Every day was so much fun, and we were always laughing.
Maybe he wanted to be illuminated by being near us, who were smiling like the sun. Like the moon floating in the dark night.
But I had more fun being with Kazuki, so I tried to avoid Kana. There were various restrictions when Kana was involved, and it was difficult to move around.
I was avoiding Kana.
But Kana still approached me.
Looking happy and in love…
Kana parts her lips.
The baby-faced person with round eyes smiles as if she’s pampered by me.
“…More. Masaomi too.”
Kana asks for a kiss, as if she’s whining.
I agree to that without any hesitation.
Things like reality, helping, and protecting.
I wanted to forget all that.
Someone who loves me. All I have to do is accept that kindness. I hope she can comfort me.
It will be comfortable. I won’t suffer. All I need to do is accept it. There’s nothing easier than this.
I put my hand, which had nowhere else to go, around Kana’s back. Kana moans happily and the kiss becomes more intense.
This is fine.
I’m fine with this.
I did my best. I’ve supposedly done enough.
That’s why, I can take it easy now……
――Why won’t you help me?
I felt someone whisper in my ear, and I opened my eyes.
Natsumi stands there, her handkerchief removed, bright red, and she walks towards me, dragging her bandaged leg.
――Why won’t you help me?
With blood flowing from her chest, she reaches out to me.
――Why won’t you help me?
I tore myself away from Kana.
“What’s wrong? Masaomi”
“We can’t do something like this……”
Natsumi was still asleep in the center of the classroom. The handkerchief is still over her face as well.
On the other hand, the hands that were joined around her chest came undone, and one hand was on the floor of the classroom.
“……I wanted to help.”
“Masaomi?”
“I wanted to help. I tried to help! But I couldn’t! … I couldn’t move my legs. I was so scared, I couldn’t do anything.”
The tears that should have stopped started flowing again.
“I wanted to protect you!… Katou-san and Natsumi as well…I wanted to save everyone…”
“However, you couldn’t do it.”
I meet eyes with Kana.
“Masaomi, don’t push yourself too hard. Just do what you can.”
She smiles like an angel.
“What Masaomi can do. Just do it in your own way, within the limits of what you can do.”
“Kana……”
“Kazuki knows that too, which is why he tried to save Masaomi. Only his important people.”
The face of my best friend who promised to protect his treasures. The face of a close friend who apologized to Natsumi.
“Masaomi couldn’t protect them. Neither Katou-san nor Mizuno-san. It was something Masaomi couldn’t do, so it couldn’t be helped.”
Kana caresses my head. Like a mother stroking her child. Gentle and slow.
“It couldn’t be helped……?”
Words like sweet honey.
“Yeah, so Masaomi isn’t at fault. There’s nothing to be sad about. It was something Masaomi couldn’t do.”
Kana’s words easily entered my ears. It became entrenched in my mind, as if it were a psychological thing.
It was truly a drug.
“It couldn’t b helped……”
“Yes. It’s not Masaomi’s fault.”
Kana smiles. It was a perfect smile, with no trace of malice.
“I love you. I’ll always be with you.”
From the bottom of my heart, I desire the words that I have dismissed as jokes.
No one believed me.
I’ve been accused of hypocrisy and glared at. Kana is the person who has always believed in me.
I want her.
Even if it comes from being spoiled, it’s okay.
Right now, at this moment, there is someone who accepts me.
That’s why I will only protect Kana. All I have to do is protect her. I don’t need anything else. Because that’s all I can do.
I can’t help it. It can’t be helped.
I tell myself.
Suppressing my past self that screams deep inside me, I imprint a new me on top of it.
I don’t care who complains. That’s the extent of what I can do.
I won’t help anyone other than Kana anymore. I don’t have to help anyone.
Just cut out everything around me. If I can’t do that, I might even lose Kana. If I had abandoned Katou-san and helped Natsumi, at least Natsumi would have been saved.
That’s the best.
Minimize sacrifices, maximize effects.
That’s what humans are.
A hundred people will not be sacrificed for the sake of one person. Without hesitation, just let one person die.
That’s the extent of what I can do. It’s what I have to do.
…My heart aches.
I just have to let go of your past self. I just need to throw away my past self that torments me with guilt. There is no need for such a spirit from the past.
“……Me too.”
There was nothing I could do about Kato-san or Natsumi. I have no choice but to think so. I can’t help but think so…
“I love you, Kana.”
I tried to lock my still aching heart.
“Masaomi… what are you doing?”
As I was about to kiss Kana, a voice interrupted me.
When I looked, I saw Kazuki standing at the entrance to the classroom.
“I’m asking what you’re doing.”
My heart hurts. I couldn’t seem to lock it. But I was definitely able to push it deep inside.
“Masaomi is, with me”
“I didn’t ask you, Kana!”
It was a look on Kazuki’s face that I had never seen before. His voice sounded like he was crying, but his face looked like that of a demon.
“Masaomi!”
“……Sorry.”
Kazuki strides towards me and forcefully pushes Kana away. Kana fell on her butt and made a small complaint.
“That hurts……”
Without looking at Kana, Kazuki grabbed me by the chest and pulled me to my feet, then pressed my face close to his.
“Masaomi, what d o you mean by ‘sorry’? What are you sorry about?”
I need Kana. Without Kana, I would be alone. Even Kazuki was against helping Katou-san.
I remember when I left the student council room with Kazuki.
At that time, I couldn’t understand Kazuki’s words.
But now I understand.
I need Kana.
When I realized the fear of losing something, I realized how Kazuki felt. Yes, even Kazuki, who I always thought was on my side, ended up targeting Kana.
“Are you disappointed that Kana was taken away from you?”
“You……!”
“You remember when you said that Kana and I were your treasures, right?”
“……I remember.”
Kazuki looks at me suspiciously.
“In the end, it’s because Kana likes me, so it can’t be helped, right?”
The force that grips my chest gets stronger.
“Kana will be sad if I disappear, so you have no choice but to help me, right?”
The color of Kazuki’s eyes becomes tinged with disappointment.
“Say it clearly, Kazuki. You love Kana.”
“Yeah…… so what?”
“I feel the same.”
Kazuki’s hand lets go. Then, his right arm raised up and grabbed my right cheek with a groan.
My back hit the locker, but I had to hold back from falling.
I felt like if I didn’t hold back this pain, I wouldn’t be able to carry out my will.
Kana tries to run towards me who was hit, but I stop her with my right hand.
I put my hand on the locker, straighten myself up, and catch Kazuki’s sharp gaze.
“Masaomi, don’t you care about Mutsuki-san?”
At Kazuki’s words, the feelings that I had suppressed deep within my heart began to tremble.
“You love her so much…… isn’t that what you said?”
“Masaomi loves me, Kazuki.”
“Kana, if you look at Masaomi, you’ll understand. This guy only sees you as a tool to comfort him.”
Kana’s innocent smile still shines.
“I don’t see it. Masaomi loves me. Isn’t that right?”
Kazuki and Kana pay close attention to my movements.
“Right, Masaomi?”
However, I was desperately trying to come to terms with my heart, which began to shake and wouldn’t stop. The depths of my heart that I failed to lock. The imprinted consciousness seems to be pushed back.
“Masaomi? Isn’t that right?”
Kana pulled my sleeve.
“Masaomi, right? Masaomi”
As the number of pulls increased, the force became stronger.
“Masaomi!”
“Y, yeah…… that’s right.”
I was panicking. I could barely keep my voice from breaking.
