Chapter 17 “I want to stay a hypocrite.”
“Masaomi, Kana……”
The night breeze from the rooftop carries Kazuki’s voice.
“So this is all that’s left.”
The student council president looked at me and Kana and put his glasses back on.
“It was terribly, seriously……”
After saying that, the student council president passed by me and locked the door leading to the rooftop.
I widen my eyes at that action.
“With this, no matter how powerful they are, they shouldn’t be able to come in.”
“……And you still call yourself the student council president?”
Kazuki said in a scary voice with the starry sky behind him.
“It’s because I’m the student council president. I’m the one who has the key here, so it’s only natural that I should be saved. But if you’re late or…”
The cold wind makes me shiver.
“There’s no need to wait for dying people. Aren’t I praiseworthy for choosing to save the people who are here right now?”
The student council president spreads his arms as if looking up at the starry sky.
“Two lives or four lives. Which should be prioritized? You understand without me telling you, right?”
It means he’s cutting them off. To save the maximum number of lives with the minimum of sacrifices.
“If you want to help them then I won’t stop you. You can go. Just know that you’ll never be able to step foot in the rooftop again.”
He plays with the key in his hand, spinning it around in his hand.
Once the door is locked, it cannot be opened from the inside or outside without the key.
“……I”
Acceptance.
Discard your past self. Don’t do what you cannot do. Only do what you can. Within your own limits, focus on what you can accomplish. It’s inevitable that there are things you cannot do. Turn failures into the past and let them fade into oblivion. Abandoning something may be unavoidable if it’s to protect something precious.
Certainly, it sounds soothing. It permeates the body quickly. It calms the heart. It sounds natural.
“Masaomi?”
Kana stands in front of me and grabs my hands.
“Are you still wavering? We’re saved. You don’t have to worry.”
She shakes my body with a smile.
“Kana…”
“You protected me. The person you love.”
As Kana said. I did what I could. I did what needed to be done. I did what was within my capabilities. I protected someone important.
I accepted it.
“I, am okay like this, right……?”
“Yup. You did nothing wrong. What you did was right.”
The right thing. What my parents have been teaching me all along. What they have been saying continuously.
“Don’t worry anymore, Masaomi.”
Katou-san. The classmate who was sitting next to me. A life I couldn’t protect.
“Let’s move on?”
Natsumi. The person who gave me courage. The life I sacrificed.
“Hm?”
Mutsuki-san. The person I admire. The one I got on her feet.
“Masaomi?”
Kazuki. Someone I thought was my best friend. A bond I thought would be unbreakable.
“I……”
I am trying to turn many things into the past. Each of them is irreplaceable, something that will never be regained. They should shine within my heart.
If I can accept and let go, life would become easier. If I can accept, I can live happily.
It’s like tearing off chains that are dragging me down, cutting off the burdens tied to my heart. If I do that, I’ll feel lighter.
But, wouldn’t that leave me weak? By carrying and pulling heavy burdens for a long time, my legs and back become stronger. It’s through strength that the burdens I’ve been carrying gradually feel lighter.
The difference between the former and the latter is my own strength.
“……I……am……”
Cut them off.
“I……’m”
Emotions that I tucked away deep in my heart, sealed with a lid. My past self.
Then, that lid is lifted, and those emotions resurface. I try to push them back down from above, but my strength is not enough. Gradually, their form begins to emerge.
“Masaomi!”
――Why…?
I recall Natsumi’s face when she was attacked. She looked at me with a puzzled expression. A face that realized her own despair, a face of disappointment in me. A face cursing her own fate.
――Why…?
Mutsuki-san’s right leg. The leg struck directly by the spider. The same right leg as Natsumi’s.
“Masaomi, you’ve broken it off, right? Isn’t that right?”
Natsumi and Mutsuki-san seemed to overlap.
“Masaomi, Masaomi!”
After getting up, she didn’t make any effort to move. She just spoke insolent words, refused to climb the stairs, and tried to drive me away. Even though she should have agreed to run away. The copious sweat she wiped away many times. Wasn’t that sweat on her forehead the finest act of bravery?
――Why… won’t you help me?
Natsumi said.
I remember it again. Natsumi’s mouth moving, looking at me at that time, she…
――Why… are you making such a sad face?
Natsumi was showing concern for me. Despite the impending sense of death, Natsumi, unlike anyone else, was caring for me. She had always been like that.
Despite the disability in her right leg, her heart was freer than anyone else’s.
Worried about me wanting to escape, she hesitated to ride on my back. Despite being pained that she couldn’t be of help to someone, she tried to cheer me up. It was the same when attacked by the spider. She came worrying about me.
My legs, frozen in fear, unable to move. Natsumi understood. So, knowing I couldn’t save her, she asked me at least not to be sad.
It might be a selfish assumption. It might be a means to ease her own suffering.
But until the very end, she was thinking about me.
“Kana…… will you please let me go?”
“What are you saying? You said you’ll always be with me.”
There is someone important. There is something precious.
“You’re saying foolish things.”
The student council president’s cynicism is absorbed into the darkness.
“I thought I cut them off. I believed that I could do it……”
I gently shake off Kana’s arm, which is desperately trying to hold on to me.
“But I can’t throw away the past. I can’t think of the mistakes I made as something that can’t be helped.”
Kana smiles and puts her hands on my cheek.
“No, Masaomi is just a little confused. I’ll give you a hug. I’m sure you’ll calm down.”
“At that time…I did try to help Katou-san. Because of that, Natsumi was sacrificed, and in the end, I was unable to help anyone…”
This time, I put my hands on Kana’s shoulder.
“It might have been better if I just cut them off. It would have been better if I gave up on Katou-san.
“What are you saying? Masaomi.”
Kana’s smiling voice belies her expression.
“But you see, Kana.”
I’ll be as gentle as I can, and I’ll be serious about my words.
“I want to help you both. That’s how I truly feel. Not hypocritically, but from the heart… I can’t do it, so I’ll do what I can… I understand.”
“If you understand then let’s stop this. If it’s you, I’m sure you can cut them off.”
Kana’s smiling eyes become slightly wet.
“Still…even though I know I can’t, I wanted to help you two, everyone.”
“Masa… omi?”
“That’s why…… I can’t do what you said.”
“You!”
Kazuki came between Kana and me and squeezed my neck with both hands. His face was so close that our noses were touching. Eyes like blazing fire. An expression of intent to burn me to the ground.
“Aren’t you protecting Kana? You love her, right? Then why won’t you stay with her!”
Kazuki pulls me down onto the concrete roof.
The concrete on the roof, which has been exposed to rain and wind, has a lot of gravel. The pain of gravel digging into my scalp from being slammed. The pain tells me that it’s not a dream.
“I love Kana. However, she said that you’re enough! That she can’t help it! I hate it, but I thought that you will be able to make her happy!
“Kazuki……”
“No one can replace you!”
He grabs my chest as I fall to the concrete and shouts. I could see the night sky over Kazuki’s shoulder. Kazuki’s eyes were shining sadly, like stars floating in the night sky.
“No matter how much I hate you! No matter how much you hurt me! You’re my only friend!”
The person I admired. He’s nicer than anyone else. My one and only best friend.
That’s who Kazuki is.
“So please don’t make Kana sad…I’m begging you…”
“Kazuki…I…”
Rain fell on my cheek.
“Even so, I want to stay a hypocrite.”
Kazuki doesn’t wipe away his tears. No, it’s not that he doesn’t wipe it, it’s that he can’t wipe it.
“A cowardly, incapable, and all-talk hypocrite……”
Mutsuki-san’s face appeared and disappeared.
“That―― is my truth.”
As if in response to my reply, Kazuki’s fist was raised. However, the fist never fell. I close my eyes, grit my teeth, and slowly see the starry sky.
“Don’t be rough with Masaomi… Kazuki…”
Kana hugged Kazuki, blocking his movements.
“Cut it out already, Kana. Why, no matter what he does to you――]
Kazuki asks over his back.
“Because I love him…… I love him so much…… Because he’s precious to me!
I can’t see Kana’s face. All I could see was Kazuki’s face twisted in agony. Kazuki stood up with his eyebrows furrowed and hugged Kana, who had fallen into a sitting position.
Kana wrapped in Kazuki.
I look at Kazuki’s back and stand up.
“Let go… Kazuki.”
“I won’t let go.”
Kazuki hugged Kana even tighter.
“Masaomi?”
Kana, whose face was cradled in Kazuki’s chest, lost her sight.
“Masaomi?”
Kana is calling me.
“I can’t throw away the past. Because of my past, I am who I am today.”
I wonder if I will reach Kana’s heart.
Kazuki, let me go. I’m going to talk to Masaomi.”
“I’m not letting you go.”
She tries to push Kazuki’s chest back, but Kana’s strength won’t allow her to do so.
“I couldn’t save Katou-san. I couldn’t protect Natsumi. I killed them both. I’ll carry that burden on my shoulders.”
I smiled even though I knew it wouldn’t get across. I didn’t mean to cry, but it seemed like my lachrymal glands were reacting on their own.
“Even if I fail or get hurt, I want to keep being a hypocrite. I want to be considerate of others.”
People can be people because they have a heart that wants to help others. People can be kind.
I think the right thing to do is to care for someone.
To live with regrets and carrying the burden of the past without throwing it away. That’s how it is like to reach out to someone who is suffering.
Even if I am paralyzed by fear, I want to extend my hand. I don’t care if it’s called hypocrisy.
I just want to help. I just want to live true to myself.
That’s my truth.
“Masaomi? Where are you?”
I know it’s a naive idea.
But, because I grew up spoiled and grew up receiving a lot of love, I know kindness better than anyone else. I can be kinder than anyone else.
I’ve had my share of pampering, it’s now my turn to do something for them.
Since someone helped me, it’s my turn to help someone else.
“Let go, Kazuki. I want to talk to Masaomi.”
“Kazuki, please take care of Kana.”
I keep an eye on the student council president. The student council president moved the muscles on his face in deep annoyance and opened the door to the roof.
I bow to the student council president.
“Go and die if you want.”
He folds his arms and insults me.
“Don’t go, Masaomi! Stay by my side!”
I take the first step into the open door to darkness.
“You can cut them off! Masaomi, if it’s you, you can do it!”
Kana’s voice gradually fades away.
“You said you loved me, right? You said we’d be together forever, right?”
The starry sky is out of place in a school building where fear is rampant. Of course, it’s the same to me now.
“I trust you! I will trust you!”
Kana hits Kazuki in an attempt to get free from him.
“I’m sorry… Kana. There are people waiting for help. There are people in danger. I… I’m going.”
Kana goes wild inside Kazuki’s arms. Kazuki silently accepts the pain.
“Let go! Kazuki! Masaomi is leaving!”
Part of me was glad I didn’t have to see Kana’s face. If that usual smile had disappeared, I probably wouldn’t have been able to leave this place.
I can’t imagine Kana crying.
“Come back, Masaomi! I love you, and I don’t want to be separated from you!”
I must not stop. I endure the feeling of being pulled into the deep swamp over and over again.
“Please! Release me! Masaomi is!”
As I passed through the door, I heard Kazuki’s voice. I couldn’t see his expression because it was from behind.
“Leave the treasure to me.”
“I will.”
“I beg you…… you said…… always together…… that you’d break it off……”
When I pass through the door, the student council president roughly closes the door. I felt like I was imprisoned.
Eventually, I heard the sound of a lock closing.
There is no going back. Because the die has been cast.
“Masaomi!”
The last voice I heard from the other side of the door sounded like a voice from another world.
