“If it weren’t for you—”
Lai Zuoyi’s words were like meticulously crafted thorns, sharp enough to pierce through all defenses. At least in Yang Shiluo’s eyes, these thorns had already stabbed holes into Lai Yunyue’s soul, gradually consuming that tiny spirit. She wanted to cry but couldn’t; the only ones who could reach out to save Lai Yunyue were herself and Lai Zuoyi.
The cries and lamentations in the living room resembled an endless tragicomedy, with Yang Shiluo caught in the middle, being pulled by both invisible forces. She struggled to utter a word, only able to watch as a cold-eyed spectator.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”
Lai Yunyue cried, her face covered in tears and snot, while Lai Zuoyi, with a grim expression, suddenly snapped out of it upon seeing the child vigorously wiping away tears, her sleeves drenched. She froze for a moment, her expression blank; the next moment, tears gushed down. She forcefully pushed Yang Shiluo away, rushed towards Lai Yunyue, and embraced her, crying loudly.
“I’m sorry, Mom loves you so much! Mom loves you very much! I’m sorry, Yunyue, please forgive Mom— I shouldn’t have hurt you like this. I’m sorry, Yunyue, Mom is sorry for you—”
Lai Zuoyi held Lai Yunyue tightly, continuously kissing her cheeks and apologizing, her eyes filled with blame and pain. Lai Yunyue also held onto her tightly, shaking her head and saying it’s okay. Yang Shiluo’s eyes turned red; she hurriedly handed tissues to the mother and daughter.
“Yunyue, I’m sorry… Mom will take you to McDonald’s this Saturday, okay? Don’t you like fried chicken? Mom will buy fried chicken and your favorite chocolate sundae. Forgive Mom… Mom is really sorry… I know I was wrong, I’m sorry…”
Lai Zuoyi held Lai Yunyue tightly, repenting. Lai Yunyue sniffled and said it’s okay, cherishing the tender embrace offered to her at this moment, slowly closing her eyes and falling asleep.
“Sister.” Yang Shiluo softly called out, suppressing the emotions welling up inside her.
“Hush…” Lai Zuoyi placed a finger on her lips, gently picked up Lai Yunyue, and returned to her room, wiping the tears and mucus off the crying little face with a warm towel before quietly closing the door.
“Let’s eat first.”
After leaving Lai Yunyue’s room, Lai Zuoyi took a deep breath, steadying herself. Yang Shiluo nodded, and the two of them sat side by side in the living room, silently finishing their takeout—or at least half of it. After the recent events, neither of them had much appetite.
“Yunyue is… I gave birth to her after being raped.”
After a prolonged silence, Lai Zuoyi finally spoke these words, even though Yang Shiluo had already known. Her body jerked involuntarily, then she nodded.
“When I finished studying abroad, I thought that having international work experience would make it easier to find a job when I returned to the country… and also give you some face.” Lai Zuoyi’s gaze remained focused on her tightly gripped chopsticks. “I found a job, thinking the boss appreciated my skills, allowing a rookie to become a secretary. However, after a social event, he raped me… and even threatened a second time. I had to escape. The boss had strong connections, both in the media and the legal system. There was no way I could win if I reported it.”
“Beast…” Yang Shiluo gritted her teeth, seeing Lai Zuoyi’s fingers slightly curling, she decided to take a deep breath, fearing a second emotional impact on her.
“I really love Yunyue.” Lai Zuoyi lowered her head. “Very much… She is my daughter, I know that, both rationally and emotionally. But every time I think about her half-brother being that man, I remember that night. Even if I endure it, I know that adults’ problems shouldn’t burden children. However, I still made the wrong choice, hurting Yunyue in moments of losing control, and she forgave me time and time again, even though she is more mature than me.”
Lai Zuoyi finished speaking, sniffing, her eyes turning red as she looked at Yang Shiluo. “I always wanted to be a… perfect mother, just like my own mother. But I became the worst woman, not even deserving the title of a mother. Shiluo, isn’t this ironic?”
“I’m afraid I don’t even have the courage to face it.” Yang Shiluo felt a wrenching pain in her heart. She wished she could personally kill the man who hurt Lai Zuoyi, especially when she saw the disappointment and pain in her eyes. She understood that Lai Zuoyi had always been a gentle person, and her world was completely torn apart by the selfish desires of others.
“I’m really terrible.” Lai Zuoyi said, shedding another tear. Yang Shiluo handed her a tissue, suppressing her own emotions and listening to her pouring out her grievances.
“Before returning from overseas, when Yunyue was still little… I once thought of strangling her, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. When she got a little older, I would take her out and deliberately leave her behind. The first time I did this was when I took her to the movies. I lied to her, saying that I needed to use the restroom and left her alone in the theater, going home by myself. At first, I felt relieved, but the internal pressure kept growing. I couldn’t resist going back before the movie ended. I still remember asking Yunyue if the movie was good when it finished. She said she didn’t know because she was waiting for me the whole time.”
“Um…” Yang Shiluo could only imagine the scene briefly, and she didn’t dare to think about it further.
Now, Yunyue is only six years old. When did that incident happen?
“There was another time. I deliberately left her bag behind when I took her to the amusement park.” Lai Zuoyi smirked, but there was no joy in her expression. “My internal struggle was stubborn, just the same. I kept throwing it away and picking it up again… it was like Yunyue was some kind of doll, brought out when I liked her and locked away when I was fed up. I don’t know, and I don’t have the courage to ask if she remembers these things. At least I remember them myself, each time is clear in my memory. It’s as if I keep carving words into my heart with a carving knife, recording those foolish actions of mine.”
So, every time she went to a new place, she was restless, afraid of being abandoned again? Yang Shiluo thought of the anxious and fearful Yunyue secretly looking around when Lai Zuoyi wasn’t paying attention.
Her stomach twisted again.
“And then, I really can’t stand myself like this.” Lai Zuoyi forced a smile, wiping away the tears forming in her eyes with her left hand. “Shiluo, I love you genuinely. Because you mentioned before that you like traditional romantic confessions, I originally wanted to confess to you when I came back. But now with Yunyue, I’m afraid you won’t accept me, thinking that I betrayed you by having a child. That’s when things started to worsen… I would lay hands on Yunyue. I know I shouldn’t hit her, but I can’t suppress the loss of control. My rationality is like a burnt-out fuse, and each time I come back to my senses, she’s already been beaten all over, crying on the ground. I… I…”
Lai Zuoyi couldn’t continue. She lowered her head, silently crying, continuously wiping away the tears on her face.
Yang Shiluo’s mood sank to the bottom with her crying. Waves of malice surged over them, pulling them into a cold vortex. Yang Shiluo saw the battered Lai Zuoyi sinking, and she was desperately trying to pull her back up.
“I… I know I thought too much…” Lai Zuoyi’s voice trembled. “But at that time, I felt so helpless… and it’s been many, many years since I saw you. I’m afraid you’ve changed… and the matter with Yunyue… I dare not tell my parents… I’m so scared… really scared… there’s no one who can help me…”
“I can!” Yang Shiluo shouted. She had finally approached when Lai Zuoyi was about to completely immerse herself in self-blame, grabbing her hand. “I can help you, Zuoyi! And hey, I really like you, like romantically! Don’t worry about Little Moon’s matter! I like you and Little Moon, because she’s our daughter, right? So, I like my wife, and how could I hate my own child?”
Lai Zuoyi sniffled and looked at her, “You don’t mind that she’s…”
“What do I mind? I already like her so much!” Yang Shiluo knew her tone sounded insincere. After thinking for a moment, she decided to put away the smile and looked at Lai Zuoyi seriously, “Zuoyi, I love you too. I understand it’s impossible for you to suddenly let go of these hurts, but drowning in them is not good, not for you, not for Little Moon. And the fact is, it has already happened.”
“What should I do then?” Lai Zuoyi looked at her with a questioning gaze, “Shiluo… I really don’t know what to do. Should I send Yunyue away… I’m not a qualified mother. She will resent…”
“Zuoyi, calm down first.” Yang Shiluo pinched her cheek, feeling like the roles had reversed from before. She used to be the one running to her junior’s aid, but now she was the one embracing her panicking senior. “This can’t be rushed; we’ll take it step by step. First of all, you have to believe that I don’t mind what happened to you. It’s not that I don’t care; it’s just that, no matter what happens, my love for you hasn’t changed. And I really like Little Moon; she’s very sweet and obedient. If you don’t mind, I hope we can live together in the future. We can take care of Little Moon together and watch her grow. To let go of the fear of the past, the only way is to face it.”
“Do… do I not send her away?”
“I can’t be sure, but for Little Moon, you’re her only family. Even though she has never spoken, I can tell she loves you as her mother. Even if mistakes were made in the past, you should face them with actions to make amends. Don’t send her away; Little Moon has been waiting for you to come back!”
Yang Shiluo gently looked at Lai Zuoyi, “Do you love Little Moon?”
“I love her; she’s my daughter,” Lai Zuoyi replied without hesitation, gently lowering her head.
“Yeah, she’s my daughter too,” Yang Shiluo giggled, “I gave birth to her. How could you not love her?”
Lai Zuoyi heard this and burst into laughter. Yang Shiluo smiled and took her hand, continuing to speak softly, “So, let’s face it together! There will surely be many challenges in the future, but we can overcome them together. Let’s put aside those memories of hurt for now, okay? I believe that future happiness is waiting for us ahead. Shall we move forward together?”
“Okay.”
“Yeah, yeah!”
They held hands, gazing at each other. In the belated warmth, Lai Zuoyi spoke softly, “Shiluo, I’ve been regretting my decision these past few years, but now… I’m so glad I came back to find you.”
“Yeah, I’m very happy too!” She smiled, her expression like a small sun dispelling the fear in Lai Zuoyi’s heart. “No matter what happens in the future, I’ll be by your side. So, let’s walk this path together!”
“Yeah, let’s walk together with Yunyue!”
“Of course! After all, she’s the one I gave birth to—haha!”
Yang Shiluo gave Lai Zuoyi a peck on the lips, and they shared a smile. The dispersed clouds revealed a budding flower of love.
In the future, a field of happiness was sure to bloom there.
