TCCRMMAICSTA Chapter 2

【Heavens, am I going to die before even getting a chance to see a brothel?】

 

【Just end it already! I don’t care anymore! Bring out the suona [1], let’s have a feast with ten tables once I’m gone!】

 

Yu Wanwan had already resigned herself to death. In the palace, the more secrets you know, the quicker you die!

 

As a eunuch in the Office of Internal Affairs, with a pair of “dog ears” to boot, she knew far more than the average person—juicier gossip too.

 

For instance, which concubine had the best figure, or whose undergarments were the most extravagant. She could even tell you the exact colour of the emperor’s underwear on any given day.

 

So… yeah, her death would be that much more miserable.

 

But the cold blade against her neck stayed still for a long moment without making a move.

 

She looked up, and a familiar face came into view.

 

“Dad! Why is it you?” Yu Wanwan’s eyes widened.

 

Her memory told her that this towering man with a strong build, a square face full of righteousness, was indeed her biological father—Yu Zhongming.

 

He was also the General of Cavalry for the Zhou Dynasty, though his ambitions reached far beyond that. His goal was to seize the Zhou throne!

 

As for her, she was just the lowly illegitimate daughter of a servant in the general’s household. No one even knew she existed.

 

So, Yu Zhongming had arranged for her to enter the palace to gather intel, officially to keep an eye on the situation, but in reality, she was nothing more than a spy!

 

Originally, she was supposed to become a palace maid in the imperial kitchen, where she could serve tea and food—there was even a chance that the emperor might take notice of her, allowing her to rise to power like a phoenix from the branches. [2] 

 

But fate had played a trick on her, and she had ended up as a eunuch in charge of recording royal bedroom affairs.

 

Yu Zhongming was just as shocked to see her dressed as a eunuch.

 

“What’s with your get-up? Disguised as a eunuch—do you have a death wish?”

 

Yu Wanwan rolled her eyes. “Dad, if you’re worried I won’t die fast enough, you can always shout a little louder.”

 

“You…” Yu Zhongming was momentarily speechless.

 

“Alright, this isn’t the place to talk. Let’s go back to my place first,” a shy female voice suddenly spoke.

 

Yu Wanwan craned her neck to take a look, and there, in the bushes, dishevelled and wearing a red mandarin-duck embroidered undershirt, was none other than one of the Emperor’s four high-ranking consorts—Xianfei!

 

T/N: The  4 Consorts (妃; fēi):

Noble Consort (貴妃; guìfēi)

Pure Consort (淑妃; shūfēi)

Virtuous Consort (德妃; défēi)

Worthy Consort (賢妃; xiánfēi)

 

The Xianfei had a round face. At first glance, she wasn’t the type of beauty that stunned you, but the more you looked, the more charming she became. She had an air of calm and stability, like everything was at peace and the nation was flourishing.

 

Yu Wanwan thought to herself: 【Oh-ho! The Xianfei is already at the rank of concubine and still messing around with another man. This is like Zhong Kui diving into a cesspit to hunt demons!】[3] 

 

【And my dad dares to say I’m reckless! At most, I’m guilty of deceiving the Emperor by disguising as a man, but this—this is putting a green hat on the Emperor! That’s a death sentence faster than lightning!】[4]

 

【My dad hasn’t even successfully rebelled and taken the throne, but he’s already sleeping with the Emperor’s woman. I can only say—999! Bro, you’re too epic!】 [5] 

 

Seeing Yu Wanwan standing still, Yu Zhongming pulled her towards the hidden room of Xianhe Palace.

 

Xian Fei straightened her clothes and openly walked back to Xianhe Palace from another direction. When the three met again, the Xianfei  kept looking Yu Wanwan up and down.

 

Yu Wanwan returned the glance: 【No wonder she’s a high-ranking concubine—look at that fresh and delicate face. But why is she staring at me? Does she plan on killing me to silence me?】

 

【My dad wouldn’t go that far, would he? Even a tiger doesn’t eat its own cubs!】

 

The Xianfei  stared at her for quite a while, then smiled and said, “General Yu’s daughter truly is androgynous. No wonder you’ve been in the palace for so long without being discovered.”

 

Yu Wanwan was speechless: 【Seriously, folks, speechless is my native language. Is the Xianfei complimenting me or insulting me?】

 

【But I must admit, the Xianfei’s taste in men isn’t bad. My dad’s build is sturdy, way stronger than the Emperor’s by a long shot.】

 

【She’s done a good job sneaking around! Well played! Seems like the Emperor’s… ahem, weakness won’t stay hidden for long.】

 

Wait! The General of Cavalry’s daughter!?

 

Isn’t this the biggest scapegoat family in the book? If the Emperor is the lovestruck playboy, and the War King is the ultimate winner, then the entire family of General Yu is the biggest scapegoat.

 

In the book, it was briefly mentioned that General Yu’s rebellion failed, and his forces were absorbed by the War King. In short, the General’s family was nothing more than the War King’s stepping stone! General Yu’s main role was to sacrifice himself and offer everything to the War King.

 

All the forces and intel General Yu painstakingly gathered ended up in the War King’s hands, and naturally, the entire family was executed. The book specifically mentioned General Yu’s youngest daughter. Because she knew too much from collecting information, she had her eyes gouged out, her tongue cut off, her limbs chopped off, and was turned into a human swine (a gruesome ancient torture where a person is mutilated and kept alive in extreme suffering).

 

Back when I was reading the book, I was too busy ogling the beautiful women to pay attention to this scapegoat family! After entering the palace, I was so preoccupied with eavesdropping that I didn’t even bother to find out how things were going with General Yu’s family. I had no idea how many daughters General Yu had.

 

But from the looks of things now, I am this soon-to-be mutilated, ultra-super unlucky scapegoat!

 

So there’s no way I can conspire with this big-time scapegoat, General Yu. I need to find a way to get in good with the War King!

 

Yu Wanwan immediately spoke up, “Dad, you have to get me out of the palace, or I won’t survive past midday here!”

 

Yu Zhongming looked puzzled, “Why? Has anyone else discovered your identity?”

 

“Because I’m going to die sooner or later! Right now, no one knows who I really am. But if they find out, I’ll already be ashes in an urn, and then how could I possibly leave the palace?”

 

Yu Zhongming sighed in relief, “If that’s the case, just stay in the palace for now and gather information. If anything unexpected happens, I’ll rescue you.”

 

Yu Wanwan clenched her fists, cursing in her mind: 【Damn it! Useless dad! I seriously doubt I’m even your real daughter! You can’t even guarantee your own survival, and you’re talking about rescuing me?】

 

【What a waste of a righteous face. You can’t judge a person by their appearance, and ancient wisdom doesn’t lie!】

 

【Well, if you can’t rely on men, then a sow can climb a tree. I have to save myself.】[6] 

 

“Got it. I still need to go work at Lanxin Hall. Farewell.”

 

With that, Yu Wanwan left the Xianhe Palace.

 

Yu Zhongming tried to stop her, but the Xianfei, with a glint in her eye, took his arm. “Don’t worry. The information we want, she will deliver it to me willingly.”

 

The Xianfei thought to herself that she had found a great treasure! She could hear Yu Wanwan’s inner thoughts! And from the looks of it, Yu Zhongming couldn’t hear it; only she could.

 

With this ability, she would know all the information Yu Wanwan had immediately! How could the women in the palace compete with her now?

 

Moreover, stealing people was a great crime, and Yu Wanwan actually praised her for doing it well. The Xianfei, who had been a bit guilty, now felt justified and emboldened.

 

Yu Zhongming nodded, then pinched the Xianfei’s waist.

 

“You little vixen, don’t be so reckless next time. If someone finds out, it will be dangerous.”

 

“You old fool, you weren’t saying that before. This Xianhe Palace is ours, and no one else will know. Can Yu Wanwan really tell anyone?”

 

“If something happens to you, she can’t escape either. She’s not that foolish.”

 

Yu Zhongming nodded: “That’s true. If she doesn’t say anything, others won’t know. But you must keep her background hidden well. Don’t let her sense any signs of trouble.”

 

“Don’t worry, from now on, only I will control her.” The Xianfei said with a proud expression.

 

After some more intimate moments, Yu Zhongming finally left the Xianhe Palace.

 

Meanwhile, Yu Wanwan, resigned to her fate, continued working at Lanxin Hall.

She crouched in a corner, recording while yawning: 【Can’t the Emperor just stay still for a while? It’s always a quick affair, but he has to make a trip.】

 

At this moment, a rustling sound caught her attention. She turned around to see a green pit viper slithering through the grass. Its triangular head was a clear sign of its venomous nature.

 

Her eyes brightened: “Little Green! Can you help me with something?”

 

The viper lifted its head and looked at her: “No, I’m very busy.”

 

“Busy doing what? Looking for Fahai?[7]  Scare the two people in the room for me, and I’ll give you some wild toads as a treat.”

 

The toads in the nearby pond croaked loudly: “You think you’re so great, you’re so high and mighty, and you want to use our lives as gifts!”

 

Yu Wanwan: “……. I’m an independent and strong woman. If you don’t want to help, then forget it!”

 

With that, Yu Wanwan lunged forward and grabbed the viper by the head, tossing it through the window gap.

 

“Get going!”

 

The viper: “Ah! I will never be happy again!”

 

With a whoosh, piercing screams erupted from inside the room.

 

The screams were partly due to Lady Lan being frightened and partly due to the Emperor’s… enraged roar!

 

Yu Wanwan picked up her pen and quietly noted in her ledger: “A snake encounter at Lanxin Hall, the Emperor lost interest, went to bed in fifteen minutes.”

 

She noted it with a smirk on her face: 【Finally done for the day! Wanwan, I work hard every day for two taels and eight coins a month. When the work comes, I just say ‘to hell with it!’】

 

With a snap, Yu Wanwan closed the ledger and went back to her room for a good night’s sleep.

 

The next morning, Yu Wanwan was woken up by a clattering noise. Palace eunuchs couldn’t sleep in, but the Record-Keeping Room was an exception since they had to work through the night.

 

The awakened Yu Wanwan was in a foul mood. She opened the door and saw the palace maid from the day before, Xiao Qing, scrubbing the floor diligently. Despite the loose-fitting maid’s uniform, it couldn’t hide her slender waist and curvy figure.

 

Yu Wanwan’s morning grumpiness instantly evaporated.

 

【Her waist isn’t just a waist, it’s the curved blade of Death himself!】

 

Xiao Qing noticed her and quickly stood up. “Eunuch Yu, did I wake you up?” 

“The Warlord is returning in triumph today, and the Emperor ordered the palace to be thoroughly cleaned to welcome him, so I started sweeping before dawn.”

 

“The Warlord!” Hearing that name made Yu Wanwan tense up immediately.

 

According to the original plot, on the day of the victory banquet, assassins would attack, resulting in heavy casualties in the palace, and the Warlord would barely escape death.

 

She had to cling to the Warlord’s coattails, and today was the perfect opportunity to make a good impression!

 

If she saved the Warlord and made a great contribution, even if her true identity was exposed, she wouldn’t have to die.

 

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[1] “Bring out the suona”: The suona is a traditional Chinese wind instrument often played at weddings and funerals. Here, Yu Wanwan uses it in a humorous way, implying a large funeral feast upon her death.

 

 [2] “Fly onto a branch and become a phoenix”: A common metaphor in Chinese culture, meaning to rise to power or fortune from a lowly position, especially referring to women gaining favour with someone powerful (like the Emperor) and significantly improving their social status.

 

[3] “Zhong Kui diving into a cesspit”: Zhong Kui is a mythical Chinese figure known for catching ghosts and demons. The phrase is used humorously here to highlight the absurdity of The Xianfei’s actions, suggesting that messing around in the palace is as dirty and dangerous as hunting demons in a cesspit.

 

[4] “Putting a green hat on the Emperor”: In Chinese culture, “wearing a green hat” (戴绿帽子) is a metaphor for being cheated on by one’s spouse.

 

[5] “999” is modern internet slang, particularly in China, used humorously to express amazement or admiration for someone doing something impressive or outrageous. It’s not a traditional idiom but rather a playful term that likely evolved from the common use of numbers as shorthand in online communication. “999” can be seen as the equivalent of saying “epic” or “legendary” in English. It’s more of a meme-like expression. 

 

[6] 母猪能上树 (mǔ zhū néng shàng shù)” is a humorous expression meaning “if men are reliable, then a sow can climb a tree,” implying that something highly unlikely will happen if one were to rely on men.

 

[7] “法海 (Fǎhǎi)”: Fahai is a character from the Chinese classic novel Journey to the West. He is a monk who is known for his strict and often harsh methods.

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