TCCRMMAICSTA Chapter 39

Granny Zhang shouted angrily, nearly throwing out her back at the sight before her.

 

The Empress Dowager was lying face-down on the couch while Yu Wanfu was standing on her back, stomping in place. His movements were so fancy and flamboyant, it was as if he was about to start dancing on top of her. On the side, Shufei stared in shock, completely dumbfounded by the scene.

 

Yu Wanwan almost fell face-first at Granny Zhang’s sudden shout, but she quickly steadied herself and jumped down from the Empress Dowager’s back. Then, she gave the Empress Dowager’s legs a few cracks and twists for good measure.

 

After all that tossing and turning, Yu Wanwan finally stopped. “Empress Dowager, the Thai massage is complete, and I even did some chiropractic adjustments. This should make you a little taller.”

 

The Empress Dowager slowly stood up, stretching her joints. “Hmm, I do feel a lot more comfortable.”

 

She turned to Shufei and asked, “Do I look taller now?”

 

Shufei nodded repeatedly. “Yes… you do seem taller than usual.”

 

The Empress Dowager laughed heartily. “Good! Well done, Yu Wanfu! Reward him!”

 

Granny Zhang stood at the door, frozen in disbelief. The Empress Dowager had been howling in pain under Yu Wanfu’s stomps, but instead of being angry, she was rewarding him? Had the palace gone mad?

 

Could it be that after all these years of service, the reason she had never received a reward was because she had never danced on the Empress Dowager’s back?

 

Still in a daze, Granny Zhang went off to prepare the reward. Soon after, rumours started spreading like wildfire throughout Cining Palace. 

 

“Eunuch Yu stomped on the Empress Dowager for an entire hour, and she rewarded him with silver.”

 

“Did you hear? Yu Wanfu rode on the Empress Dowager’s back and got a reward.”

 

“They say Eunuch Yu stomped on the Empress Dowager and punched Shufei, and he still got rewarded.”

 

After giving the massage, Yu Wanwan’s face flushed even redder, sweat beading on her forehead. Her breathing became rapid, and she even felt like there was a heavy weight pressing on her chest.

 

The Empress Dowager, noticing her flushed face, quickly asked, “Are you tired? This Thai massage technique really seems like hard work.”

 

Yu Wanwan shook her head. “This servant is not tired. I’m just worried about Your Majesty’s health.”

 

【How could I be tired? Finishing work means getting off duty. I love getting off duty—it feels like being released from prison.】

 

Seeing this, the Empress Dowager waved her hand. “Take your reward and go rest in the dormitory.”

 

Yu Wanwan smiled and replied, “Yes… Thank you, Empress Dowager. But… why does Your Majesty have two heads?”

 

he shook her head vigorously, and in an instant, her vision swam, and the Empress Dowager’s face multiplied into three. With a goofy grin, she giggled, “Hehehe, three pretty aunties.”

 

“Why won’t any of the three pretty aunties talk to me?”

 

“You said you’re hard to chase, well, okay, sis will crank up the DJ, shake up your DNA.”

 

The Empress Dowager’s brow furrowed slightly as she signaled Granny Zhang to step forward and support Yu Wanfu. Granny Zhang grabbed Yu Wanfu’s hand and then touched her forehead. “So hot! Empress Dowager, it seems Eunuch Yu has a fever.”

 

Yu Wanwan pushed Granny Zhang’s hand away forcefully. “Hmm, you’re right. I do have a ‘feverish craving.’”

 

“There are five types of Kings in this world: Hearts, Clubs, Diamonds, Spades… and the kind where pretty aunties don’t like me. That makes me sad, okay?”

 

Yu Wanwan’s strength was shockingly large. She shoved Granny Zhang several metres away.

 

Nearby, Shufei, who was pregnant, didn’t dare to step forward to help. Anxiously, she suggested, “Empress Dowager, I heard things are unsettled at the Imperial Medical Office today.”

 

“I fear Eunuch Yu has been sabotaged by some filthy trick. When he gets riled up like this, the only solution is to knock him out. Otherwise, there’s no calming him down.”

 

“Today, the one handling matters at the Imperial Medical Office is none other than the Battle King. And his residence, Lan Zhu Palace, is just next door. Why not summon him to deal with this?”

 

The Empress Dowager immediately ordered someone to fetch the Battle King from the neighbouring palace. For one, she didn’t want to harm Yu Wanfu, and for another, she was quite curious to meet the Battle King.

 

Soon, the Battle King arrived at Cining Palace. Upon entering the hall, the first thing he saw was Yu Wanfu tearing at his own clothes. 

 

At that moment, his robes were in complete disarray, his face flushed bright red—clearly a sign that he’d been drugged. The Battle King frowned, his mind immediately flashing back to the matter of dealing with Imperial Physician Liu at the Eastern Guard Camp.

 

He cursed inwardly: Liu, that madman, has truly lost his humanity. Drugging even a eunuch?!

 

Men can solve their problems by seeking women, women by seeking men… but who does a eunuch turn to?

 

It was only because Yu Wanfu was favoured by the Empress Dowager that he was still alive. Otherwise, with such outrageous behaviour, the Empress Dowager would’ve long had his head chopped off.

 

Zhan Jingchuan (Battle King) leapt forward in one swift motion, grabbing Yu Wanwan by the shoulders, controlling her to stop her from going further into madness.

 

“Jingchuan… you’re here,” the Empress Dowager said hoarsely.

 

Zhou Jingchuan’s eyes were icy cold. “I’ll take this trouble away for you.”

 

After saying that, he turned around, preparing to leave, but the Empress Dowager’s voice suddenly rose.

 

“Jingchuan, wait! Are you truly… this heartless toward me?”

 

Zhou Jingchuan’s voice was indifferent. “Heh… from the day you laid your hands on me, the bond between us as mother and son was severed.”

 

“Jingchuan! I’ve wronged you, I shouldn’t have poisoned you. Can’t you give me a chance to make amends?”

 

Hearing this, Yu Wanwan, who had been acting insane, was shocked to the core.

 

Poison! The Empress Dowager actually poisoned the Battle King? Isn’t there an old saying: Even a tiger does not eat its cubs?

 

T/N A saying in Chinese: ‘Even a tiger does not eat its cubs’ (虎毒不食子) refers to the idea that even the most vicious of animals, like a tiger, would not harm its own offspring

 

She was now more convinced that the Battle King wasn’t truly a royal by blood.

 

Even though she had been drugged with an aphrodisiac, her ears were still sharp. She had just overheard a major royal secret!

 

Would she be executed tomorrow for merely stepping into the Cining Palace with her left foot?

 

To avoid getting beheaded, Yu Wanwan decided to continue acting mad. If the Battle King and the Empress Dowager found out she had heard their conversation, she’d be doomed for sure.

 

She flailed her limbs and shouted at the top of her lungs, “There are five kinds of beans in this world! Red beans, green beans, yellow beans, black beans, and my supreme talent—‘five cartloads of books’!” [1] 

 

“The world has kissed me with pain, and I repay it with weak knees, a yellow face, half-dead, listless, and as gloomy as death itself!”

 

Yu Wanwan’s crazed outburst interrupted the conversation between the Empress Dowager and the Battle King.

 

Without another word, the Battle King grabbed Yu Wanwan and stormed out of Cining Palace.

 

With a loud plop, Yu Wanwan was tossed into the water pool of Lanzhu Palace.

 

The warm water made her inhale sharply.

 

“Ahhh… the joys of a hot spring…”

 

But the moment water entered her ears, it suddenly jolted her awake.

 

Hot water!

 

Old Wen had told her never to use hot water—otherwise, the drug’s effects would intensify!

 

She was done for!

 

Frantically, Yu Wanwan clawed her way out of the pool, but just as she reached the edge, her foot slipped and she fell back in.

 

The last shred of her sanity evaporated at that moment.

 

She lay in the water, her entire body flushed. “Ah… this is unbearable… A woman like an eagle always relies on herself.”

 

With that, she dunked her head into the water, the sound of her gulping it down echoing around.

 

Zhou Jingchuan, standing at the pool’s edge, watched the scene with furrowed brows. He waved to his servant beside him and said, “Strip him of his clothes and let him sober up properly.”

 

[1] The “five kinds of beans” part is likely nonsense so she seems as more crazy, but the phrase “five cartloads of books” (才高八斗, cái gāo bā dǒu) is an idiom. It literally means “eight bushels of talent” and comes from a saying about Cao Zhi, a famous poet from the Three Kingdoms period. The phrase describes someone who is extremely talented, especially in literary or intellectual pursuits. So basically, Yu Wanwan is boasting about her own immense talent while being nonsense and exaggerating it while acting insane.

 

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