When Jian Heng appeared in front of him, panting heavily, Qin Cheng didn’t even know where to start talking, or where to start asking.
Things happened too fast, exceeding his brain’s capacity. He was like a crashed computer, clueless.
“You…” Jian Heng had called him countless times but no one answered the phone. He didn’t dare ask Song Yingmei. He had been searching for him alone, so anxious he was about to call the police. Now, seeing him, he wanted to blurt out, ‘What were you doing?!’.
But Qin Cheng’s collapsed expression made Jian Heng swallow his words again, subconsciously feeling something must have happened at Qin Cheng’s home.
Jian Heng’s voice was still a bit breathless. He walked over and asked in a low voice: “What’s wrong?”
“Su Danquan came here just now.” Qin Cheng said suddenly.
“What did he do?” Jian Heng’s brows furrowed and his tone became cold, “Did he hit you?”
Qin Cheng’s throat was dry. After a long time, his voice slowly came out of his throat: “You are——gay.”
Jian Heng suddenly paused.
Qin Cheng’s heart dropped when he saw his reaction, but he still held on to the last glimmer of hope and asked: “Jian Heng, we are brothers. Tell me the truth, you, are you…if you say no, I will go out right now and I will beat that piece of shit to death for you——”
“I am,” Jian Heng interrupted him with lowered eyelashes. After a long moment, he looked up into his eyes and said word by word, “I am gay. I like Alpha. I like you.”
I like you.
Qin Cheng felt that his heartbeat stopped when he heard these words.
Reality, like a mountain, fell between him and Jian Heng without warning.
He couldn’t get over it.
It was not that he hadn’t thought about this situation before, but he had deliberately avoided it.
His first reaction to any major event was to charge in, but he was afraid to ask Jian Heng if he liked Alphas.
His mind was a mess, and even now, he felt it was Su Danquan’s fault for revealing the secret, that Su Danquan was a stupid idiot, and it had nothing to do with Jian Heng. Without Su Danquan, he and Jian Heng would have been good brothers for life.
He never expected that things would happen so suddenly, without any warning, without any time to prepare.
Suddenly revealed, suddenly admitted, suddenly confessed…
His mind seemed to be covered by the fog of half a pack of cigarettes, and he couldn’t turn around at all. The whole person was crammed into a narrow space, and he couldn’t get out no matter how hard he tried.
Qin Cheng didn’t know how to look at Jian Heng, let alone what to say next.
He had never experienced anything like this before. Qin Cheng subconsciously wanted to escape again, but Jian Heng’s eyes locked on him, making him unable to move.
Qin Cheng couldn’t turn around and leave, nor could he remain silent. He could only open his mouth and ask, “You, since when did you… like me?”
“I don’t know,” Jian Heng’s gaze remained fixed on him. The emotions in his eyes were undisguised, so intense that Qin Cheng dared not look. “I’ve liked you for a long time.”
Qin Cheng raised his head and stared at him, suddenly feeling angry——powerless anger.
The brother he had risked his life for had long been in love with him, and he, like a fool, had been oblivious, testing the boundaries time and again.
He’s just an idiot.
Qin Cheng racked his brain, unable to comprehend how someone like Jian Heng could possibly fall in love with him. This was even harder to accept than the idea of Jian Heng being gay.
What could Jian Heng possibly see in him?
His face, which was passable at best? His mountain of debt? Or the way he diligently cleaned Jian Heng’s house eight hundred times a day?
He was such a mess, how could his brother possibly fall in love with him!
Is Jian Heng stupid?!
Qin Cheng gritted his teeth. He didn’t know whether he was angry with Jian Heng or himself. In short, his whole body was burning with a nameless fire, making him want to burn them both to ashes so that no one had to worry about liking or disliking each other anymore.
Jian Heng’s expression had calmed down the moment his lie was exposed. He lowered his eyes and looked at Qin Cheng, like an outsider, watching him like a comical clown, struggling with his anger, frustration, and helplessness.
Qin Cheng was irritated by his own unrealistic imagination1腦補 (nǎo bǔ): lit. brain supplement; brain fills; (neologism, slang, especially ACG) to dream up a fantastical or farfetched continuation to affairs; to visualize. In Internet buzzwords: it refers to supplementing certain plots in the mind, and fantasizing about plots in comics, novels, and reality that one hopes but does not happen. T/N: The closest word I get is headcanon; (fandom slang) Elements and interpretations of a fictional universe accepted by an individual or small group of fans, but not necessarily found within or supported by the official canon.. He grabbed his collar and asked incoherently: “Tell me! What do you like me for?! How could you fucking, how could you fucking like a no-good person?! What do I do to make you like me so?! I’m such a good-for-nothing, you——”
“Don’t you know how good you are?” Jian Heng interrupted him. He touched his face with his right hand and pressed his brow bone with his thumb. He frowned slightly and said with serious eyes, “I like you. Because you are good. Because I am gay. It is not your fault. You don’t have to worry about it.”
“It’s not…” Qin Cheng grabbed his hand and wanted to say that it was not Jian Heng’s fault. There’s nothing fucking wrong with being gay! But nothing he said in this situation was right. Whatever he said seemed like he was accepting it in disguise, and he couldn’t say anything.
“Yes.” Jian Heng looked into his eyes.
“It’s a barren thing!” Qin Cheng felt stuffy, feeling like he was about to suffocate to death in the next second. “We are brothers, isn’t it okay to just be brothers? I’ll share everything with you! What’s mine is yours! Isn’t that good?! Why do you have to, have to like me? Are you fucking blind? You can like anyone else! Fuck! I’m not saying it’s bad to be gay, I’m saying I——”
Jian Heng suddenly smiled and said nothing. The curve of the corner of his mouth was something Qin Cheng used to love, but now he didn’t even dare to look at it.
“Thank you, for this time.” Jian Heng leaned in slightly, his eyes fixed on him.
He suddenly thanked him, and Qin Cheng froze on the spot, staring blankly as the familiar face enlarged in front of his eyes. The whole person was frozen by the magic power called ‘Jian Heng’, unable to move.
It wasn’t until there was a gentle touch on his lips and Jian Heng’s slightly cool lips fell on his lips that he raised his hand to push it away as if he was just waking up from a dream.
Jian Heng released his hand before him, his thumb brushing across his lips, a smile curving his lips: “Silly, this is what is called a first kiss.”
Qin Cheng’s whole body was pinned to the spot by the kiss, staring blankly as Jian Heng turned around and left.
A voice in his head was screaming at him to chase after him, to stop him, to question Jian Heng.
‘What does this mean?’ ‘What does this kiss mean?’ ‘What does their long time together mean?’
But in the end, Qin Cheng didn’t move.
What good would chasing after him do anyway?
Yell; don’t leave, let’s be together? He’s not gay, how can they be together?
He can lie to the whole world, but he can’t say it when he is facing Jian Heng.
He was willing to give anything to Jian Heng and share everything with Jian Heng, but he couldn’t give what Jian Heng wanted.
Qin Cheng covered his eyes and slowly sat on the ground, leaning against the wall. It felt like he had been tricked by the world.
…..
Jian Heng stood in the kitchen, silently looking at the cold soup in the pot.
It’s not like he hasn’t thought about this ending. He had thought about it countless times ever since he realized that he had fallen in love with Qin Cheng, who was noisy about Omega every day.
He was so used to preparing for a rainy day that he was even prepared to deal with it.
But when things happened, he still chose the most irrational way.
Admit, confess, apologize, and leave.
Jian Heng poured everything into the bowl. With his eyelids drooping, he walked to the trash can with the bowl in hand.
Without hesitation, he threw it in casually.
After tidying up the kitchen with an expressionless face, Jian Heng washed his hands, opened his mobile phone, and dialed Shao Ze’s number.
“Hello?”
“Book tickets. Use your mobile phone. Tomorrow morning.” Jian Heng said as he leaned against the kitchen door.
“Ah?” Shao Ze was confused. “Isn’t Jian Xingguo trying to catch you? Going back at this time——”
“The sooner the better.” Jian Heng interrupted him.
There was silence on the other end for a while. Shao Ze tentatively asked:”Is it, Qin Cheng——”
“Mm… scared.” Jian Heng suddenly laughed, staring at Qin Cheng’s school uniform jacket left in the bedroom.
This laugh made Shao Ze’s heart jump.
“I and Cheng Bin will pick you up,” Shao Ze said quickly, “Heng’er, don’t think too much. What’s wrong with homosexuality? If they don’t accept that, it’s on them. You can’t think too much. Don’t blindly eat——”
“Not blaming him,” Jian Heng picked up the jacket, his fingers gently stroking the words ‘Qin Cheng’ on the collar, “Book it. That old fogey can’t do anything to me.”
“I’ll book it now,” Shao Ze said, “We’ll pick you up at the station tomorrow morning!”
“Mm.” Jian Heng hung up the phone.
The phone dinged.
Shao Ze: Don’t take your medication!
Jian Heng replied with an ‘Mm’.
It’s not a disease; take what medicine?
***
Qin Cheng didn’t remember how long he stood outside. He seemed to have answered a phone call from his mother, and only then did he come back. On the way, he seemed to have met DaMa downstairs, helped her carry a bag of rice, and then… he doesn’t remember.
Jian Heng’s words kept replaying as if they had some kind of spell attached to them. Qin Cheng forced himself to forget, but he just couldn’t.
After returning home in a daze, Qin Cheng lost his composure in front of his mother for the first time.
“What’s wrong?” Song Yingmei put down the work in hand and looked at him worriedly.
“…Ah,” Qin Cheng lifted his head, absent-minded, “No…a little uncomfortable.”
“Caught a cold?” Song Yingmei stood up and touched his head. Qin Cheng stood there with dull eyes and did not move.
“It should be.” His head was in a mess. Qin Cheng was like a puppet who had lost his soul. He couldn’t even say ‘I’m tired from today’s competition’.
He couldn’t remember how he dealt with it and passed things over, how he entered the house, or when he started lying on the bed and staring at the ceiling in a daze.
Qin Cheng was stunned by the fact that ‘Jian Heng liked him’ and didn’t know what expression to use to recall it.
Looking at the moon outside the window, Qin Cheng forced himself to focus on the video of Jian Heng.
The Jian Heng in the video overlapped and separated from the present one. Besides shock, Qin Cheng couldn’t deny that he was also distressed and angry. He wished he could beat those idiots to death.
He tried to keep himself in this emotional state and fell asleep in a daze, dreaming.
In the dream, Jian Heng said that he was just teasing him and asked him if he was scared.
Qin Cheng laughed foolishly and said, ‘You idiot, you scared me!’. He raised his hand to put his arm around Jian Heng’s shoulder but only grabbed air. Jian Heng suddenly disappeared.
He searched the room for a long time but couldn’t find him. When he pushed the door open and went out, he saw Jian Heng being held down by a group of people in white coats who were trying to force him into a car. Qin Cheng ran over like crazy to pull them away.
A doctor pushed him away, his voice cold: “He is mentally ill and has severe homosexual tendencies. He has harassed you, so he needs to be locked up.”
Qin Cheng shouted, ‘Let him go. I never said such things. What’s wrong with homosexuality?’ Time and space were distorted in front of his eyes. No matter how much he ran, he couldn’t get close to Jian Heng. He watched them give him an injection in the neck. Jian Heng immediately stopped moving, closed his eyes, and let the doctor carry him to the car and take him away.
Qin Cheng shouted until his voice became hoarse, and when he opened his eyes, the corners of his eyes were filled with tears.
“Jian Heng… Jian Heng!”
Without waiting for his body to react, Qin Cheng suddenly sat up and got out of bed. His vision went black for a while, his knees softened and he fell to the ground with a bang, gasping for breath for a long time before coming to his senses.
It’s still a little dark outside, and the wall clock showed that it was now half past five.
It’s time for Jian Heng to get up and go for a run.
Qin Cheng didn’t feel sleepy at all and felt uneasy. In a cold sweat, he quickly washed up and went out. Before leaving, he found that he had left his school uniform jacket at Jian Heng’s house.
Taking a deep breath, he opened the door and bumped into Jian Heng, who was carrying luggage.
Qin Cheng couldn’t help but think of the afternoon when he just learned that the two people’s pheromones matched. Jian Heng went for a run and he went to buy groceries. This is how the two of them met.
“You——” Qin Cheng belatedly saw the luggage in his hand. Frowning, ignoring the overwhelming emotions in his heart that were about to tear him apart, he asked, “Where are you going?”
Jian Heng gave him a look, but this time, he did not wait for him. He lifted his legs and went down the stairs.
The string in Qin Cheng’s head that had been tense all night suddenly broke. He rushed up, grabbed Jian Heng’s arm, and pushed the person against the wall. Pointing at the thing in his hand, he asked: “Where the fuck are you going?! Ah? Where are you going? Say something!”
Jian Heng is free to go wherever he goes. Qin Cheng knew that he had no reason or position to question, but the moment he saw Jian Heng pass by him with no expression on his face, his heart felt as if something had stabbed him in his heart, and the pain made him delirious2神志不清 (shén zhì bù qīng): to be delirious; to be mentally confused; to be mentally disturbed; (TCM) Delirium, refers to being confused, unable to respond to calls, or experiencing delirium from time to time, and losing the ability to judge and handle things..
Jian Heng looked at him, his gaze calm: “Chuan City.”
“Chuan——” Qin Cheng slowly let go of his hand. His thoughts had been numb all night and he never expected that Jian Heng would leave. A trace of confusion flashed in his eyes, “You are not, just, Su Danqiu said that your father is trying to catch you. How can you go back?”
“Go and stay at Shao Ze’s place,” Jian Heng straightened his collar and gently pushed him away, “The train is leaving soon.”
After saying that, he turned around and went downstairs, his back showing no trace of attachment.
Qin Cheng was frozen in place just like yesterday. His brain, which had been rusty since last night, couldn’t come up with a reason to keep him. By the time he reacted, he was already standing in front of Jian Heng, blocking his way.
“You can’t leave!” Qin Cheng looked at him, his hand trembling as it gripped Jian Heng’s shoulder.
“Why?” Jian Heng lifted his hand and lightly touched Qin Cheng’s lips. Qin Cheng flinched and slapped his hand away.
Jian Heng didn’t say anything, but the emotions in his eyes made Qin Cheng afraid. He suddenly regretted his action. What was wrong with a touch? Why was he being so dramatic!
Qin Cheng turned his head away, avoiding Jian Heng’s gaze. He gritted his teeth and stubbornly said: “Your father will catch you. He and Su Danqiu are both perverts. They——”
“Isn’t it me?” Jian Heng suddenly asked, “I like Alpha, and I also like you. Isn’t it me?”
The author has something to say:
The author, who was late but showed no remorse, sat cross-legged on the edge of the kang and counted the red envelopes, saying: The correct answers are ‘Jian Heng confessed’, ‘Jian Heng kissed Qin Cheng’, ‘Qin Cheng did not respond (emphasis added)’, ‘Jian Heng is ready to leave’. Let me take a look3康康 (kāng kāng): (slang, neologism) happy; (slang, neologism) to glance at; to take a quick look at; to have a look-see; a network word, originally refers to the Minnan dialect. It is generally used to describe life. Now it is often used on the Internet to mean to take a look. which babies got it right? The handicapped author started giving out red envelopes.jpg
(After being on the list, the author suddenly hardened. He lifted up the big teapot and slammed it on the kang, yelling: Leave your hands out4買定離手 (mǎi dìng lí shǒu): buy and leave; buy out. Generally refers to the gambling table, that is, after buying the cards you want to buy, in order to avoid suspicion and prevent cheating, people have to keep their hands away from the table. Now, it mostly used to describe that you can no longer change the bet options or the last time you have a choice., leave your hands out! Let’s guess what’s going to happen in the next chapter! The first three babies who guess correctly will receive red envelopes!)
(Whispering bb: Wow, you guys are so imaginative. There are actually some people who are openly driving without a license!!! Tsk tsk tsk!)
Thank you to the little angels who voted for me or nourished me with nutrient solutions during the period from 2020-05-06 13:26:33~2020-05-07 20:10:50~
Thank you very much for your support! I will continue to work hard!
Recently, I learned a great way to correctly use ‘I and x’ and ‘Me and x’ from Instagram. Just erase the ‘and x’ and see if the sentence sounds weird 😆. Example: ‘I and Cheng Bin will pick you up.’ or ‘Me and Cheng Bin will pick you up.’ to ‘I will pick you up.’ or ‘Me will pick you up.’. That really makes a lot of sense!
List of Idiom in Chapter 35
脫口而出 (tuō kǒu ér chū): lit. the words roll off one’s tongue; to blurt out; to let slip (an indiscreet remark); say sth unwittingly; to utter suddenly and unadvisedly; to speak quickly or without thought; to divulge inconsiderately — commonly with out.語無倫次 (yǔ wú lún cì): to speak incoherently; to ramble in one’s statement; confused and incomprehensible speech; to talk without rhyme or reason (idiom); speak illogically; describing words that are spoken in a disorderly manner.
未雨綢繆 (wèi yǔ chóu móu): lit. before it rains, bind around with silk; (figurative) to plan ahead; to prepare before it is too late; to take precautions; provident; contingency; take precautions; be prepared for a rainy day; battens down the hatches; have an anchor to windward; don’t have thy cloak to make when it begins to rain; to prepare for a rainy day; a metaphor for making preparations in advance. From the Classic of Poetry, poem 155 (《詩經·豳風·鴟鴞》): 迨天之未陰雨，徹彼桑土，綢繆牖戶。, Before the sky was dark with rain, I gathered the roots of the mulberry tree, and bound round and round my window and door.
渾渾噩噩 (hún hún è è): (ideophonic, literary) solemn and dignified; unaffected and decent; (ideophonic) ignorant and muddleheaded; muddling along; living in a state of naïveté and ignorance; ignorant; simple-minded; the original meaning is vigorous and solemn, now it describes some people who live in confusion, live a simple and plain life, and are ignorant; From Fa Yan (Exemplary Sayings) [9 CE]: 虞夏之書渾渾爾，商書灝灝爾，周書噩噩爾。下周者，其書譙乎。, The chapters on Shun and Xia are deep and potent, while those on Shang are vast in scope. Those pertaining to Zhou do not flatter, while those on the latter part of Zhou are cutting.
翻江倒海 (fān jiāng dǎo hǎi): lit. overturning seas and rivers (idiom); fig. overwhelming; earth-shattering; in a spectacular mess; overturn rivers and seas—mighty; used to describe the power or momentum.
Check out my completed & current project at my carrd. If you like my translation, you can buy me coffee at Ko-fi~ Thank you.
