WMWH Chapter 10

Year after year passed like this.

The plastic flowers I received could fill the entire room, but he still didn’t speak to me and didn’t even show a face.

People in the theatre were spreading rumours that a mysterious fan was chasing me, but when I heard it, I just sneered coldly with a “haha”.

If he could catch up with someone with this approach, I was willing to write my name backwards.

Although I really wanted to pretend not to care, every time I received a flower basket, I still subconsciously checked it to see if there were any small notes inside, but there were only flowers and leaves, nothing else.

If it weren’t for the strangely beautiful flowers arranged together, which were so beautiful that I couldn’t bear to throw them away. Therefore, I had to take them home and put them away keenly, then I wouldn’t have discovered that the flowers in each flower basket were different, even the flower baskets. The patterns woven into them were also different, they all seemed to have a theme of their own, representing a world I didn’t know.

This was a very thoughtful person.

I thought I was getting more and more curious about this somewhat cute retard. This was a long-lost feeling, a feeling I only had when I started to like Luo Bin.

He was the first person whom I liked in my life.

Luo Bin was my brother’s classmate, three years older than me. Because he had a good time while playing with my brother, he often came to my house as a guest, and sometimes he even stayed for dinner. My parents also liked him because he was not only handsome but also had a sweet mouth.¹Knowing how to talk sweetly, saying things that others would like.  When he smiled, he had a small dimple on the right side.

Our family was a family of dimples, so we had a kind of fascination for people with dimples.

I remember that the first time I was attracted to him was because of the way he smiled mischievously at me. At that time, his bones had grown and he had the appearance of a man, but he still had the fresh and astringent look of a boy.

He held the door and stood in front of me like a wall. Suddenly, he poked my face with his finger and said with a smile, “Hey, you’re the younger brother of Li Xu who learns ballet. You’re really cute.”

I was in the third grade of junior high school that year, and I already had a rough understanding of my sexual orientation. When I realized that I was more interested in boys than girls, I was horrified and ashamed at the same time. Because I have always believed in God with my parents since I was a child, and homosexuality was a sin in God’s teachings. It was not until I read a lot of books later that it became clear to me that sexual orientation was innate, and I felt less guilty and slightly relieved.

Because I was relatively skinny and had practised ballet since I was a child, I was always teased by the boys around me for being effeminate. Some naughty boys even deliberately called me by the wrong name, they called “Xiao Lisheng” as “Xiao Lusheng”.²肖笠笙 is Xiao Li Sheng: In this name, Xiao is 肖 [xiào]: be like/resemble, Lu is 笠 [lì], and Sheng 笙 is 笙[shēng] ( a reed pipe wind instrument). In the other name, Xiao Lusheng 小呂生, 小 means little/small/petite, 呂 is Lv and Sheng is 生 [shēng] which could mean give birth to/pupil/ unripe.  During group activities, they also often coaxed me to join the group of girls. Therefore, for a period of time, my impression of boys was really bad, and I decided that I would rather become a priest in a church than fall in love with any bullshit boy.

And it was Luo Bin who made me change my view of boys in the past.

He was a very athletic boy who was familiar with various games and sports. There was rarely a boring time when you followed him. Of course, the most important thing was that he was willing to play with me, and he never mocked me for girliness. Sometimes when even my brother bullied me, he would stand up for me. Frankly speaking, I was very happy with him, but we didn’t do anything special. If I was to put aside my vague affection for him, in fact, there was no difference between us and other ordinary boys. Because we were on the same road after school, we often rode home together. When we had time, we played games together, talked about movies and new shows, and occasionally made appointments to play in the suburbs or go shopping at the mall on weekends.

Gradually, I didn’t know when he started to come to my house, instead of looking for my brother, but looking for me.

After I realized this, I learned how to make fried egg rice from my mother, just so that I could cook it for him when my parents were away. He was also very considerate. Not only did he eat all the rice on his plate, he also took my share and ate it. I was happy and shy at the time, thinking that I should do more next time.

Later, I secretly inquired about his birthday with my brother and came to know that he liked to play rollerblading. I took out the pocket money I had saved for a long time and bought the most popular roller skates for him at that time.

However, even though I liked him, I never thought of confessing to him. First, because I was afraid that if he didn’t like me, we wouldn’t even be friends, and the other was because I would go abroad to Russia for further studies in half a year.

From the year I started practising ballet, I dreamed of becoming a world-class ballet dancer.

My parents were very supportive of my dream. Although our family was not rich, they were still willing to do their best to support me in studying at the Bolshoi Ballet Academy in Russia.

I know how important it was to my dream to take this step well, so after weighing it over and over again, I decided that I would rather keep the phrase “I like you” in my heart than say it out loud. 

However, after I made this decision, I unexpectedly discovered that Luo Bin also liked me silently.

I went to his house for dinner that day, and his parents happened to be not at home. After ordering takeout, he felt that eating alone was boring, so he went to the store to buy a dozen beers.

I didn’t want to drink at first, but he kept persuading me, so I drank a lot in the end. Not long after I finished my meal, my head started to feel dizzy, and I lay down on his bed in a daze. Just because I had never been in the habit of sleeping during the day, I didn’t sleep well. When Luo Bin climbed onto the bed, held my cheek, and kissed me, I felt it immediately.

It would be false to say that I was not surprised. At that moment, my heart almost jumped out of my chest. I took a deep breath and slowly opened my eyes, only to find that Luo Bin had already gotten out of bed and left.

I didn’t know whether to be disappointed or relieved.

However, I didn’t know if it was my misunderstanding, but I found that after that kiss, the way Luo Bin looked at me became very different from before. There was something dark inside, and sometimes I felt a bit scared when I looked at it.

But despite this, I still liked him. Several times, when the atmosphere was good, I especially wanted to ask him: “Are you willing to wait for me? Maybe three years or five years, if you are willing to wait for me, I will always like you.”

However, before I had the courage to ask him this question, he got the news from my brother that I was going abroad.

I didn’t understand why he reacted so loudly, like an enraged trapped animal.

“Can’t you stay?” he asked, grabbing my arm.

“But this opportunity is rare,” I said, trying to pull my arm out of his grasp.

“But don’t you like me? Why do you still want to leave?” He suddenly asked loudly.

I was blocked by him and couldn’t say a word. I was both ashamed and angry. I turned around and wanted to leave, but I didn’t take two steps before he grabbed my waist and dragged me back.

What happened next became a lifelong nightmare for me.

It took me a long time to wake up from that nightmare.

I felt that I would never forgive Luo Bin in my life, but I couldn’t hate him either. Because, later my father got into a financial dispute, not only did he lose his job, he was also fined a large amount of liquidated damages. I happened to be abroad during that time, and my brother was still in school. It was Luo Bin who collected 200,000 and lent it to our parents so that we could save our house and not have a place to stay.

By the time I found out about this, Luo Bin had already followed his parents back to the north. He left a message to my brother saying he was sorry for me. My brother seemed to notice something and asked me if there was any conflict between Luo Bin and me.

I shook my head and said it was nothing.

No matter what, our family always owed him a favour.

My brother still needed to go to school, my dad couldn’t find a better job, and half of the court fine was still unpaid. The burden of the family suddenly fell on my shoulders.

Thank God, I didn’t break down during those most difficult days.

I signed an agreement with a theatre in this city, found a dance training institution to teach, and started slowly filling the gaps in my home.

My parents have always been bitter about me dropping out of school and returning home, especially my dad. One time when I came home by chance, I heard my dad confessing to the God on the wall, saying that he was sorry for me and that it was his fault that my future was destroyed.

My tears fell immediately.

Back then, in order to raise money for me to go abroad, he worked overtime until eight or nine o’clock every day before going home. Others went out to play with their families after Mass and prayer on weekends, but he went back after Mass and prayer and continued to work overtime.

I didn’t understand it when I was young, but now that I have started working, I realize how torturous this kind of high-intensity work was.

With having father like this, I didn’t think he was wrong anywhere. 

I spent that afternoon talking to my parents about my future and my job.

I said: You have done a lot for me, and I feel that I can be responsible for my future life. I am still young now, so I will work for a few years to save enough money before continuing to study abroad.

I said that you have taught me to stick to my dreams since I was a child. Do you think you have no confidence in me now that I have grown up?

My dad’s eyes were red when I said that. He said: How could it be possible? You will always be my pride, Dad believes in you.

I deliberately smiled a little arrogantly and said that was necessary to do so.

So, when ³[nǚ shì]: Ms./lady/madam/miss.Ms. Jiang pushed the recommendation letter and check to me, I only hesitated for three seconds before taking it.

• 1
  Knowing how to talk sweetly, saying things that others would like. 
• 2
  肖笠笙 is Xiao Li Sheng: In this name, Xiao is 肖 [xiào]: be like/resemble, Lu is 笠 [lì], and Sheng 笙 is 笙[shēng] ( a reed pipe wind instrument). In the other name, Xiao Lusheng 小呂生, 小 means little/small/petite, 呂 is Lv and Sheng is 生 [shēng] which could mean give birth to/pupil/ unripe. 
• 3
  [nǚ shì]: Ms./lady/madam/miss.