WMWH Chapter 23

When Fang Fang was sixteen, he looked like a shy and reserved boy. Although he didn’t cherish words as much as he did when he was a child, he still didn’t like to speak. On weekdays, he refused to talk to anyone except me and his dad. He already knew how to read and write. In addition to his mother tongue, he also learned English and Russian from me. On weekdays, as long as I would ask him to come and help with any household chores, he would obediently put down what he was doing and come to help.

He even learned how to take care of people. One time I caught a cold and Fang Fang’s father was not at home. He boiled hot water and gave me cold medicine without my instructions. He also told me not to play with the water secretly.

I lay on the bed and asked him how he knew this. He said that I told him the same thing before when he had a cough and runny nose, so he remembered it.

I felt relieved and asked him again: “What if Mother still has a cough and runny nose after taking the medicine? What would you do?”

He thought for a while and said, “Then I’m going to take you to the hospital.”

“Then how to get to the hospital?” I asked again.

He couldn’t answer. I haven’t taken him to the hospital since he refused treatment when he was twelve years old. I only occasionally asked the attending physician to come to Fang Fang for routine examinations. His usual range of activities were pitifully small, confined between the home and the community. In addition, occasionally his father and I would take him to the seaside or suburbs where there were fewer people, and he would never go out by himself, so he didn’t know how to get to the hospital.

I realized that this was a good opportunity to encourage him to go out more and said, “How about mom take you out now and you know the way to the hospital? Later, if mom is not cured, you can take mom there.”

He thought for a moment and nodded

I was both happy and moved. The doctor said that Fang Fang had a natural fear of unfamiliar places. It was best not to force him to go to unfamiliar places before he had his own will. Otherwise, it would greatly aggravate his anxiety and fear. In serious cases, it could even lead to him hurting others or self-mutilating. Therefore, even though Fang Fang’s father and I knew that it was wrong for Fang Fang to stay at home all these years, we did not dare to force him to integrate into this society.

He was like a glass doll一I was worried that it would break just by keeping it at home, how could I dare to just throw him away?

Now, for the first time, he voluntarily agreed to go to a crowded hospital for me, and I was so happy that I almost lay back in bed. Over the years, I felt more and more that I was not taking care of him, but that he was the one accompanying me. He was like a considerate little cotton-padded jacket that would warm your body and mind before you could even come back to your senses.

Fortunately, my cold was not serious, so I could take him out in the car after a while. I deliberately drove very slowly along the way, introducing him to the shops and various information on the roadside while driving. I talked for a while and found that he was still expressionless and clutching the seat belt tightly in his hands. Knowing that he must be feeling very bad, I sighed and said, “Fang Fang, why don’t we go home first?”

He shook his head and whispered, “No, Fang Fang has to take his mother to the hospital.” When he was nervous, his voice not only trembled a little but also became extremely quiet.

I thought about it and turned the car into a quieter street. I pointed to the tall and lush magnolia trees on both sides of the road and said, “Fang Fang, do you know what kind of tree this is?”

He took one look and said, “It’s a magnolia tree.”

“They’re so tall,” I said. “Do you think they’ve bloomed?”

Without thinking, he told me: “It’s blooming, and I can smell the fragrance of magnolia.” He paused for a while and then said, “It’s very fragrant.”

I said, “Don’t you like magnolia? How about painting the magnolia trees on this street in your next artwork?”

He hesitated a little, rolled down the window, and stuck his head out to take a look. The sunlight filtered through the branches and cast mottled shadows on his body. He turned around, looked at me with his eyes as clear as the sky, and said, “Mom, let’s go to the hospital first.”

“When you get better, you can bring me here to touch these trees.”

Since then, I had learned a way to encourage Fang Fang to accept the outside world, which was to start with the things he cared about and then expand to various topics and actions.

For example, “Fang Fang, it seems that dad forgot to bring an umbrella when he went out. Can you go downstairs to pick him up?”

“Fang Fang, the chrysanthemums in the parks are blooming, can you help mom take some photos?”

“Fang Fang, I heard that Mount Luofu is very beautiful. Do you want to go and take a look? It will definitely be beautiful if you draw it!”

“…”

In this way, through constant suggestions and requests, Fang Fang gradually became less and less afraid of going out of the house. However, he still did not want to go to crowded places, and he would always look expressionless when someone greeted him on the road. This made others very embarrassed and thought he was a very arrogant person. Actually, no, he was just too nervous and didn’t know how to talk to others.

Fang Fang was getting older year by year and had inherited his father’s handsome facial features, but the colour of his eyes had changed to mine, and his hair had a slight curl. If you just look into his eyes, you wouldn’t believe that he was grown up, an eighteen-year-old boy, because his eyes were so peaceful, as clear as the water in the Tianhu Lake一without a trace of dust.

Over the past decade, because of wholehearted trust, he had almost grown into what his father and I dreamed of him being: gentle, restrained, well-behaved and polite.

He could draw, sculpt, design, and do all kinds of handwork. I specially set aside a room at home for him to use as a studio, which allowed him to do whatever he liked. If he would be satisfied with the finished product, he would keep it, and if he was not satisfied, he would sell it.

 One year, on a whim, he spent more than half a year updating all the furniture in the home, replacing them all with handmade solid wood products made by himself. He didn’t like technology products very much. Except for designing and answering emails, he generally didn’t want to be in front of the computer. Even when smartphones became increasingly popular, he was reluctant to use them.

I asked him why, and he thought for a long time and said that those things made him feel very uncomfortable and unable to concentrate. Fang Fang was a person who must concentrate on everything he did, and it was understandable to dislike things that were easily distractable.

However, although Fang Fang was already able to support himself with his own hands and his ability to take care of himself was beyond doubt, I still couldn’t rest assured of him. Because he had not yet learned how to love others or establish emotional connections with people outside of his family.

I tried to take him to meet my friend’s children, but it didn’t work. Fang Fang turned a blind eye to them. Children of this age were extremely arrogant and couldn’t bear the slightest slight, so naturally, they were unwilling to take care of him. Making friends online didn’t work either, because Fang Fang didn’t like the Internet at all.

My anxiety was increasing day by day, especially since his father and I were over fifty, but Fang Fang was still out of tune with this society. I was afraid that he would accidentally spend his whole life alone, which would be too lonely and desolate.

To be honest, I had begun to regret aborting that child. At that time, I was just afraid that the new baby would divide my love for Fang Fang, but I didn’t think that perhaps having a younger brother or sister would actually be a warm and long-lasting companionship for Fang Fang.

I told Fang Fang’s father my thoughts and asked him if he wanted to have another child. Fang Fang’s father comforted me and said, “Don’t think too much. When the boat reaches the bridge, it will naturally straighten out.¹[chuán dào qiáo tóu zì rán zhí]: The boat will naturally go straight when it reaches the bridge. It means that, at last things will be resolved (all will end well) so there was no point worrying now. You’re over fifty years old and you’re still talking like that, I think you look more like a child than Fang Fang. Recently, a Russian ballet troupe came to G City to perform, and the show included 《Swan Lake》. I have already bought you tickets, let me accompany you to have a look and relax.”

I happily agreed. Who knew that when the performance was about to begin, Fang Fang’s father’s company suddenly received a big order, and he worked overtime every day until midnight before returning. Fang Fang’s father told me apologetically that he might not be able to spare time to watch the show with me. I was very angry with him for going back on his word, but seeing that he was so tired from working overtime every day, I had no choice but to forgive him generously. The tickets for the show were already purchased, and I asked Fang Fang if he could accompany me to the show.

“Dad has to work overtime. It’s so pitiful for Mom to go to the show alone.” I looked at him deliberately pitifully.

Fang Fang also looked apologetic, after hesitating for a long time, he asked me if he could put on a hat and mask.

“This way, they won’t be able to see me.” Fang Fang said.

I couldn’t help but laugh at his behaviour of covering one’s ear while stealing the bell,²[yǎn ěr dào líng] This metaphor comes from an anecdote when a thief steals a clock, he is afraid that the sound it makes will attract others, so he hurriedly covers his ears. Later, “covering one’s ears and stealing the bell” was used as a metaphor for deceiving others, but in the end, it was just deceiving oneself. but it was already very difficult for him to accompany me to a crowded place like a theatre, so I didn’t care what he was wearing.

Thinking about it later, all this might have been just God’s will.

• 1
  [chuán dào qiáo tóu zì rán zhí]: The boat will naturally go straight when it reaches the bridge. It means that, at last things will be resolved (all will end well) so there was no point worrying now.
• 2
  [yǎn ěr dào líng] This metaphor comes from an anecdote when a thief steals a clock, he is afraid that the sound it makes will attract others, so he hurriedly covers his ears. Later, “covering one’s ears and stealing the bell” was used as a metaphor for deceiving others, but in the end, it was just deceiving oneself.