(M) Chapter 25 – No Next Time
Novel Title: 我们已经分手了 (We Have Broken Up)
Author：御小凡 (Yu Xiaofan)
Translator: K (@kin0monogatari)
Protagonists: 刘帆 (Liu Fan -MC), 陈谦 (Chen Qian -ML)
*Please read at Novels Space.space, the original site of translation. TQ*
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Hearing Chen Qian’s footsteps behind him, Liu Fan didn’t turn around. He went straight to bed and lay down. After his laughter had subsided, he no longer felt angry at Chen Qian. But he didn’t want to talk either. He thought they should just sleep tonight and talk later.
But after lying there for a few minutes, there was no movement. No one got into bed, and no footsteps left. Liu Fan was puzzled. In this situation, he couldn’t sleep at all. He turned around and saw Chen Qian standing at the door, looking at him almost helplessly. It was as if he wanted to come over but didn’t dare.
They stared at each other from a distance, one lying down, one standing. They were both silent.
For some reason, Liu Fan suddenly felt like crying. It wasn’t sadness or grievance. He had already been angry and laughed it off. Now he just felt suddenly calm and inexplicably tired. He didn’t want to say anything, feeling exhausted even from eye contact.
Chen Qian pressed his lips together. Perhaps he saw something in Liu Fan’s face and it caused him to look increasingly panicked. For a second or two, he also looked like he might cry.
Liu Fan finally spoke.
“Turn off the light.”
Chen Qian obeyed immediately, switching off the bedroom light. The room was now only dimly lit by moonlight through the window.
Liu Fan thought; Do we always have to be like this? Once we’re apart, does neither of us want to get close again?
But the bed dipped, showing that Chen Qian had come over.
Because Liu Fan was a restless sleeper, they had chosen an extra-large bed to prevent him from rolling off. Now they each lay on one side, with a large empty space between them.
Liu Fan turned back, lying flat on the bed, staring at the indistinct ceiling. “Why?”
Chen Qian’s voice sounded a bit hoarse, “What are you asking about?”
There were many things he wanted to ask. But upon reflection, none seemed necessary. Liu Fan asked, “Why didn’t you come find me?”
This question – whether for Chen Qian or Liu Fan himself – they both knew Liu Fan already understood to some extent. Just based on Chen Qian’s personality, one could guess with 80-90% accuracy. Liu Fan had never asked before for this very reason. He didn’t know why he was suddenly asking tonight: “Why didn’t you come find me? I waited for you the entire summer vacation.”
Chen Qian, from his side of the bed, across the darkness and seven years of lost time, said in an even lower voice, “I stood outside your building for the entire summer vacation.”
Liu Fan smiled wryly into the air. But he didn’t feel like laughing. “I guessed as much.”
In reality, there wasn’t any real distance between them, nor any missed connections. What they missed was just the hearts of young people. And it wasn’t even their fault, but the fault of time and age.
“You asked me what we would do in the future,” Chen Qian paused as if he couldn’t breathe, then mumbled, “I didn’t know either. Actually, I was terrified of my father.”
This was something Chen Qian had never admitted before. His voice was rough, as if the words were being forced out of his throat – all those things he had tried so hard to hide before. His cowardice and reluctance were now fully exposed. “How could he possibly agree to us? I couldn’t answer you. And I was afraid you’d ask me again.”
Liu Fan suddenly understood why Chen Qian had come out to his family so early, resulting in him not even going to university.
“But that day, when I saw your parents with all the bags, seeing you off in a taxi, I suddenly wasn’t so afraid anymore,” Chen Qian’s voice was trembling slightly. “Because at that moment I realised, what I feared most had already happened.”
From then on, he became alone.
While Liu Fan was in university, Chen Qian had already broken free from his parents, working as a struggling ordinary salesman. When Liu Fan was dozing off in the library, Chen Qian might have been running to meet clients under the scorching sun. When Liu Fan was gaming online, Chen Qian might still have been at a business dinner table. Liu Fan could fully imagine how the then-aggressive Chen Qian silently endured rejections, gradually breaking down his sharp edges to become who he is today.
All to be able to confidently answer Liu Fan’s question from back then.
Liu Fan breathed heavily. His breath felt a bit laboured. He moved closer and took Chen Qian’s hand. Chen Qian’s hand was cold and trembling.
“So… so…-” Chen Qian gripped his hand. His tone was full of fear as he spoke brokenly, “Your dad told me… you might have…- I just…- you might have…-“
He was incoherent. But Liu Fan could understand. It was like someone who had desperately saved up gold coins to exchange for a treasure, only to find out that the treasure he’d been dreaming of might have been forever lost to him. More than anger, more than jealousy, what he felt was fear.
But after all this time, his habit of getting angry to cover up his fear hasn’t changed at all.
“Are you stupid?” Liu Fan laughed, though his voice carried a slight nasal tone. “You tried to act cool for someone and forgot about time. What if I had really fallen for someone else? What would you have done?”
The thought alone was heartbreaking.
Chen Qian was silent for a long time. He then placed Liu Fan’s hand against his cheek. “I’m sorry.”
Sorry for getting angry at you.
Sorry for making you wait so long without knowing anything.
Liu Fan’s fingertips seemed to feel something damp. He quietly withdrew his hand and hugged Chen Qian’s waist, sighing, “It’s okay. Luckily, it’s not too late.”
Chen Qian hesitated for a few seconds before turning to hug Liu Fan back.
Another period of silence followed as both of them calmed down a bit.
Finally feeling able to talk properly, Liu Fan sighed again, “My mom doesn’t know about us. When I was in college, I told them I liked men. For people their age to accept this, honestly, I’m really grateful. My mom just knows that the path for gay people isn’t easy. She doesn’t want to see me alone. That’s why she’s been trying to set me up everywhere. In my heart…”
He paused. But since he couldn’t see Chen Qian’s face, it was a bit easier to continue, “…I couldn’t accept anyone else, so I kept putting it off. The longer I put it off, the more anxious my mom became, always wanting me to settle down. Although I had no intention of following her advice to settle, I would go on these dates just to comfort her a little. It was just having a meal, nothing more. She likes you so much, yet you spoke about her like that.”
Chen Qian’s hand, which had been caressing Liu Fan’s neck, stiffened at these words. After a long while, he let out a long sigh and said dejectedly, “I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”
He wasn’t used to saying such things. And it came out extremely awkwardly, as if he almost bit his tongue. But he still said honestly, “I’m sorry. I didn’t… I didn’t really mean it like that.”
Liu Fan sighed too. This guy had said more apologies tonight than he probably had in several years before. What was the point? It was all unnecessary trouble.
Chen Qian was quiet for a long time again, lost in thought. “I envy you. Ayi and Shushu are such understanding and considerate people. They understand you so well, probably because they love you so much.”
In fact, it wasn’t quite right to say it like that. While there are certainly some strange parents who don’t care about their children, most parents naturally love the children they’ve raised. It’s just that due to different personalities and reasons, the ways they express it vary greatly, resulting in different degrees of expression.
But Liu Fan didn’t want to say such meaningless things at this moment. So he joked instead, “I envy you too. You have such a good boyfriend like me. But I don’t. Ah, how sad.”
Chen Qian chuckled softly and hugged him tighter as he continued, “There’s nothing between me and Li Yu. I just treat him like a younger brother. The kid is like me, estranged from his family because he likes men. Sometimes I can’t help but take extra care of him. But I…”
His voice dropped even lower, almost to a whisper, “…I could never be with anyone else.”
Liu Fan, feeling drowsy from Chen Qian’s familiar scent and caresses, snuggled closer. Suddenly, he heard Chen Qian ask glumly and dejectedly, “Hey, how many blind dates did you actually go on?”
It was hard to keep count. But at times Liu Fan had to deal with two dates every weekend. He mumbled drowsily, “Maybe around twenty-something, like four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten… over twenty.”
Chen Qian: “…”
Chen Qian suddenly flipped Liu Fan over, pinning him down. He started kissing him aggressively, almost like biting him. Liu Fan laughed and tried to dodge. But as the ‘biting’ continued, things started to heat up. He pushed Chen Qian’s head, “Hey! That’s enough!”
But Chen Qian didn’t stop. He moved from Liu Fan’s lips downward, kissing and biting his chin and neck, then bit hard on the artery on the side of his neck.
Liu Fan shuddered, as if for a moment his life was truly in Chen Qian’s hands. He cried out in pain and glared at Chen Qian as he lifted his head, “Do you think you’re a dog?”
Chen Qian just looked at him for a while. His gaze was sharp for a moment. But that intense stare was also filled with a deep, almost angry love. He pressed Liu Fan down again and kissed him fiercely.
Liu Fan’s arousal, which had just subsided, flared up again. He thought; you’re not the only one who can bite.
He responded without mercy while pressing on Chen Qian’s head, letting their tongues slide and intertwine. A hint of blood rose in his mouth, either from when Chen Qian bit him earlier or from him actually biting Chen Qian’s ‘nasty’ mouth.
Their lower bodies unconsciously pressed against each other. The rough texture of their clothes added to the stimulation. Liu Fan felt his erection was almost painful, so he reached down with one hand to pull down his pants. Chen Qian helped. They awkwardly kicked off the annoying clothes. The feeling of bare skin rubbing against each other was incredibly arousing.
***
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Liu Fan’s tears had started to flow. He was gasping with his mouth open and his limbs felt weak. Chen Qian turned to lie beside him, wrapping his arm around him. After a few minutes of silence, he asked again, “Have you ever met someone you liked?”
Liu Fan: “…”
Isn’t this endless? Seriously, why does someone so big and mature have such a small heart?
“No,” Liu Fan was still catching his breath, tears sliding down his cheeks as he blinked. Chen Qian used his fingertips to wipe them away. Liu Fan pouted and then smiled again, saying softly, “You know that I only like you.”
Chen Qian brushed aside his sweat-drenched forehead and looked at him seriously. His gaze focused as if it were a paintbrush, carefully depicting every detail of Liu Fan’s face.
He didn’t respond to the words. But his gentle touch and the look in his eyes seemed to say, ‘I feel the same’.
How fortunate they both were to cherish themselves and not allow anyone unworthy into their lives. They had never felt that waiting for this moment to come was them being too late.
“Let’s not argue anymore.”
Liu Fan wanted to roll his eyes at Chen Qian. But he was so tired he didn’t even want to move his eyelids. “Did I start the argument?”
Chen Qian said, “There won’t be a next time”
They had fought quite a few times. But this was the first time Chen Qian had said something like this. Liu Fan was somewhat surprised. But he was even more surprised at how easily he believed it.
So he gave a youthful, unreserved smile, “Alright, no more next time.”
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*Translator’s Note: All that’s left to settle is family’s and LY’s matters. -K
Next update: 2024.09.30
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