WMAW Chapter 14

Sitting in the car with his head down, Zhuang Yi finally spoke after a long silence, “Lin Lin, I truly didn’t know you liked me before.” He paused, then continued, “Honestly, if I had known you liked me before we got married, my instinct would have been to run away. I wouldn’t have agreed to marry you.”

“That’s the truth, I don’t want to lie to you.”

Zhong Lin was fiddling with his fingers, head down, feeling utterly miserable. Ever since he had lost his memory, Zhuang Yi had always clung to him, calling him “wife” with never such a calm tone. During dinner, Zhong Lin recalled how Zhuang Yi had once refused to enter into a marriage alliance with him at the dining table, using the same tone.

Zhong Lin had always felt distressed thinking Zhuang Yi was just playing with him, and now, he wished Zhuang Yi would continue the act, realizing that compared to the harsh reality, the previous illusion was actually a rare happiness.

He hadn’t played his part well, and he regretted it. But he couldn’t help it; he was always too impulsive.

“I know, it was me, forcing you to stay by my side.” Zhong Lin took a deep breath, determined, “Boss Zhuang, I was willful before. From now on, I’ll set you free, we…”

Before Zhong Lin could finish, Zhuang Yi hurriedly interrupted him, “No.” He knew what Zhong Lin was about to say, his voice trembling, “Lin Lin, it wasn’t you forcing me to stay, it wasn’t. It was you who always warmed me, cared for me, loved me. I’m the one at fault, I’ve always overlooked your efforts, ignored your feelings.”

“You’ve walked a thousand steps, ten thousand steps towards me. I know I’m terrible, I know you’re tired, but please, don’t give up on me.” Zhuang Yi slowly reached out, stubbornly grasping Zhong Lin’s hand. His palms were all sweaty, and Zhong Lin was a bit stunned.

Zhuang Yi held Zhong Lin’s hand tightly, still not daring to look up, trying for the first time to explain his issues, “I have a problem, I resist having long-term or close relationships with others. I feel I can’t maintain such relationships well.”

“I’ve always felt that relationships are better kept at a distance, even familial ones. Too much emotion and expectation feel like a heavy psychological burden to me, making me want to flee.”

The hustle and bustle outside was blocked by the car windows, neon lights flashing noisily, and colorful, mottled shadows cast across Zhuang Yi’s face as he held Zhong Lin’s hand and spoke slowly, “Lin Lin, there are some things I want to say to you. Not to make excuses, but just, I really want to tell you what kind of person I am.”

Zhong Lin’s emotions were like a roller coaster, starting with high hopes thinking he and Zhuang Yi were mutually in love, then realizing he had been deluding himself and deciding to give up, to now, being held by Zhuang Yi and listening to his heart. Everything felt so unreal, and he remained silent for a moment.

Zhuang Yi continued on his own: “I’ve always been that ‘other people’s child’, admired, complimented, yet distanced from by others. I’ve had some friends, but aside from betrayal and isolation, I ended up with nothing.”

“I didn’t become an alpha until I was seventeen, five or six years later than others, so people once thought I was a high-aspiring, fragile beta. I trained hard in sanda not for fitness, but to better protect myself. It’s not easy to beat a group of alphas who know me well.”

“During those years, I saw my parents’ disappointed looks every day. Other than loathing myself, I couldn’t meet their expectations. I got hurt, but naturally, I wouldn’t tell them about it.” Zhuang Yi had never shared these feelings with anyone, and he felt embarrassed and ashamed as he spoke. But if it could earn a moment of softness from Zhong Lin, he was willing to lose some face and dignity.

He laughed self-deprecatingly, continuing, “Later, as you know, I became a top-tier alpha. At that moment, it seemed like all problems were solved, everyone started to gather around me again, praising me. The omegas who once pitied me for being a beta started chasing after me.”

“So I felt it was meaningless, and for a while, I really hated people showing me affection.” Zhuang Yi’s tone fell again, “Of course, Lin Lin, these aren’t excuses for my cold violence. My constant resistance and pushing you away, hurting the person who truly loved me, it was my fault.”

Zhong Lin gently squeezed Zhuang Yi’s hand back, his heart softening. In fact, he had softened the moment Zhuang Yi held his hand. He had silently given so much for so long without response; how could he possibly harden his heart now when he finally received one? Moreover, he had fallen in love with Zhuang Yi at first sight because Zhuang Yi had saved him, but more importantly, Zhuang Yi had told him not to despise his own gender, nor to be confined by gender stereotypes.

“Omega is fine, alpha is fine, beta is fine, this is just your gender, not your entirety. What decides who you are is yourself.” Zhuang Yi had told him not to despise himself.

If possible, Zhong Lin wished he had known Zhuang Yi much earlier, from childhood, so he could have grown up with Zhuang Yi, protected him when he was bullied, and told him, whether beta or alpha or omega, he would like him.

Zhong Lin also thought about the message Pei Jue had sent him, advocating retreating to advance, to grasp a man. That might be right, but he could never bear to make Zhuang Yi upset. Before he could speak to comfort or forgive, Zhuang Yi turned his head, pulling him close, his eyes pleading, “Lin Lin, wife, can I still call you my wife?”

“I know I was wrong, please don’t give up on me. I will try to love you, I will work hard to learn how to manage our marriage, to maintain our relationship.”

“I don’t want to be alone anymore, don’t leave me.” As he spoke, Zhuang Yi’s face flushed, his emotions rarely revealed when he wasn’t in heat, but now he was nervously and shamefully staring into Zhong Lin’s eyes, feeling his heart beat rapidly, a mix of nervousness, pleading, and a long-delayed declaration of love.

Zhong Lin blinked, suppressing the bitterness in his eyes and the comfort in his stomach. He suddenly realized the benefits of speaking less; if he had responded too quickly just now, he might not have heard Zhuang Yi’s confession.

“Let’s see how you do,” Zhong Lin said, quickly shifting his gaze, afraid that staring into Zhuang Yi’s eyes too long would reveal his true feelings.

“Okay!” Zhuang Yi, like a large dog that had been comforted, rested his head on Zhong Lin’s shoulder, unwilling to move, and sneakily kissed Zhong Lin’s slightly flushed ear, his voice suddenly filled with joy, “I knew my wife is the best to me.”

“If we don’t go now, we’ll get ticketed.” Zhong Lin still didn’t look at Zhuang Yi, but couldn’t help running his fingers through Zhuang Yi’s hair, his voice very soft.

The car started moving again, and they soon arrived home. Whenever Zhuang Yi’s hands were free, he reached for Zhong Lin’s hand—waiting for the traffic light, in the elevator, even while unlocking the door, which made Zhong Lin quite uncomfortable.

As they entered the foyer, Zhong Lin’s expression flickered unnaturally for a moment, and Zhuang Yi, who had been watching him, noticed and asked, “Wife, what are you thinking?”

“It’s nothing.” Zhong Lin didn’t want to dwell on the past; he just suddenly remembered the first time he had walked through this door, secretly heartbroken as he watched Zhuang Yi’s back—it really was a different time.

Zhuang Yi didn’t ask further. As the automatic sensor lights came on, before discussing whether he, still on probation today, should or could sleep hugging his wife, Zhuang Yi hurriedly pulled Zhong Lin into his room, eager to show off his new setup.

“Wife, when we went out, I had someone change the curtains to match the color scheme of your room, and the bed sheets and duvet cover are your favorite big yellow ducks. I don’t know if you’ll like it.”

“Your gaming console has been moved to my study. Don’t be mad, I didn’t touch the speakers, I installed a similar set.” Zhuang Yi was a bit embarrassed; he could have bought another set of game consoles, but he was worried that if Zhong Lin fought with him, he might retreat to his old room and lose himself in his games.

No longer the naive high school student, Zhong Lin’s taste was no longer the cute big yellow duck. He looked at the large bed with a comically arrogant big white goose on it, unsure if Zhuang Yi couldn’t tell the difference between a duck and a goose, or between yellow and white. It wasn’t until he lifted the duvet that he found a whole big yellow duck inside, and Zhong Lin felt completely defeated.

He had wanted to add some sexy elements, but how was this supposed to be sexy?